Takes

If a team does a hidden ball trick in Little League, you should head hunt the next batter

Hidden ball tricks is fucking bullshit. Especially in Little League... I think you need to put the ball in an ear hole if the other team tries to do the hidden ball trick in a Little League game.

The Mets should ban the media from reporting Matt Harvey's ERA

The Mets need to send out a release to all the press people saying, you're not allowed to cover our games. You're not getting a credential if you talk about what Matt Harvey's ERA is. So just put a moratorium on bad Matt Harvey talk.

Matt Harvey needs to start partying and doing cocaine to find his form

I also think he needs to party again. He used to be a party boy... I would say either get the Mets to basically make it a rule that no one can say anything bad about you or start doing a bunch of cocaine.

Anyone who supports robot umpires in baseball can go fuck themselves

Anyone who is like pro robots can go fuck themselves... The minute you start letting robots do these kind of tasks is what they're going to take over our lives... I don't need fucking umps telling me balls and strikes. There's some things you need to leave to humans.

A baseball field is like international waters with no rules

As far as I can tell... a baseball field is like international waters where there are no rules.

You should always throw the first punch against a man named Rougned Odor

Rule of thumb. You always throw the first punch against a guy named Rougned. That's a guy that can't go back. That's a guy that's got nothing to lose right there.

Jose Bautista didn't expect to be punched because real punches never happen in baseball fights

[Bautista] basically was like, I can guarantee that this won't happen because it's never, ever happened. I mean, the last time a true punch was thrown, Michael Barrett and AJ Pierzynski, I mean, it's been a long time. So he banked on that.

Kids do not belong in a Major League clubhouse because it is a professional environment for grown men

Kids are not meant to be in a grown man environment. It's baseball. This is a job. There's things said day in and day out that kids should not hear... there are explosions in the clubhouse. Kids do not need to see that.

If I took steroids, I would have hit at least 70 home runs in a season

If you did take steroids, how many home runs do you think you could have hit in a season? 70. I was going to say 100, but okay. I would say 70. Yeah, because I remember so many balls being hit every year that just really were caught on the wall or hit off the top of the wall.

Bryce Harper is a coward for taking intentional walks instead of swinging at pitch-outs

I actually think that Bryce Harper is a coward for not swinging at any of those pitches. Say what you want about Vlad Guerrero, but the guy would take a cut at a pitch out. My question is, if Harper doesn't like it so much, why does he put a stop to it and just take a running start and just groove one of the meatballs that's thrown outside?

Dusty Baker's toothpick look is a 'I'm better than you' power move

Dusty's got the biggest gut in the game... the one thing I respect about Dusty and I've always respected, he's a toothpick guy. And I'm publicly in the market to be a toothpick guy because it's a very hard look to pull off, to just always have a toothpick in. He'll have an interview and he'll have a toothpick in, which is kind of like 'I'm better than you. You don't even deserve for me to take this toothpick out of my mouth' move.

Bartolo Colon is allowed to do steroids because he never goes to the gym

Bartolo Colon, though, he absolutely falls under our pardon my take, use it, don't abuse it steroid law because there's no way he goes to a gym. So if he wants to do steroids, he can do steroids as far as I'm concerned.

It only counts as Opening Day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day

I only count it as opening day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day and watch baseball. Otherwise, like a Sunday night, I could do that any other week of the year.

Opening Day should always be on a Monday so everyone can skip work and get drunk together.

You have to have opening day be like a Monday. Everyone can skip work, get drunk. There's a lot of games together. Shout out to Johnny Bench. He was absolutely right. I hate what they've done [with Sunday night games].

Brett Anderson getting a base hit is nearly as impressive as Doc Ellis throwing a no-hitter on LSD.

Brett getting a base hit is pretty miraculous because when you see him on a day-to-day basis in the clubhouse and you see his athleticism by that, I mean, his almost near inability to walk. You're like, how is he getting a hit at the major league level? ... I'll still say Doc Ellis is a perfect game, but it's a pretty good comparison between the two.

Benching Pablo Sandoval for being fat is counterproductive; the team should make him play more to burn calories

Benching him is like the opposite of what you want to do. If I'm a fat guy, if you tell me like, Hey, you're too fat to do your job. So you're just not going to do it anymore. I'm like, uh, like, so what's the catch? I get to just sit and like, hang out in the clubhouse now. If you want to get Pablo Sandoval to lose weight, you make him play like a simulated game, then the real game, then like another simulated game. Like just starve him to death and make him work so hard that he has to lose the weight.

Opening Day should be a national holiday

Kingsford came to me, and it was the idea that Cincinnati forever was the first game of the season... I'm actually pushing for a national baseball day. I don't know why, you know, if I were elected president... that we shouldn't have a baseball day, and everybody just has one thing in mind, and that's going to the ballparks.

If a player bat flips in your face, the pitcher should knock him down next time

He's going to go down on his butt. You're gonna oh you're gonna call for the inside heat you didn't even have to you know the pitcher already knows it. The thing you know he's standing out there and you show him up i can understand if it's a game-ending situation where the guy gets excited but you know in the old days you know everybody had a memory you don't show me up.

My fantasy baseball strategy is to just draft the consensus best players in the league

If I was picking my fantasy team right now, I'd take Clayton Kershaw, Bryce Harper, Mike Trout, Chris Sale. Throw in a Cub. I'll take Anthony Rizzo and Chris Bryant. I'll take those guys, too. I don't know if you can find – I mean, that's pretty good drafting on my part.

I'm taking Matt Harvey's man card for getting a bladder infection

Apparently he had a bladder infection, which right off the bat, I'm taking his man card for that because I did not know that guys could get bladder infections. I thought that was only a woman thing. I know that sounds ignorant. But that's kind of what the man cards for is like when you feel scared by your own ignorance, you just got to take the man card.

Matt Harvey can't be trusted in any aspect of his life because he doesn't pee at the right time

Matt Harvey is going to the bathroom when he has to go to the bathroom now everything else that Matt Harvey does you have to question... The fact that he can't control his own bowels means that he can't be trusted in any other aspect of his life. So, yeah, if I'm the Mets, I'm like, this is a big problem. Guy can't pee.

Baseball players are the best at suffering bizarre, non-game injuries

Baseball players are the best at this. This is a classic spring training. Baseball players hurt or injured. Chris Sale did it last year getting off his truck... Sammy Sosa tore his back with a sneeze.

Banning the home run in baseball would make the sport unwatchable

I would love that rule [banning the home run]. That would be a great rule. Could you imagine? Actually, that would basically make baseball unwatchable, now that I'm saying it out loud.

Hating bat flips is the ultimate litmus test for being a bad person

Is there a better litmus test in the world than people who hate bat flips being like just shitty people. Like if you hate a bat flip, it's basically like people who like kill like puppies and people who hate bat flips. That's the quickest way to figure out if you're a bad person. If you don't like bat flips, I don't even know where I would love to hear someone explain to me how they got to the point where they're like, goddamn backflips.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.