Takes

College football is better when Nebraska is a good team

I rooting for you in Nebraska. I want you guys to be relevant again. College football is better when Nebraska's a good team. Yeah, when Nebraska's doing steroids in the 80s.

Jim Harbaugh doesn't actually know his own roster when he wakes up every morning

I actually don't think that Jim Harbaugh knows what his roster is when he wakes up every morning. It's like Groundhog Day. Jim Harbaugh lives his life like a football Bill Murray.

Indiana winning at Oregon is the best college football win of the season

The Indiana win at Oregon I think is the single best win of the entire college football season. And I also think Oregon's getting dropped down too far in the polls after the fact, 'cause I think Indiana really is that good this year.

The National Championship game should be played no later than January 10th

January 10th should be the latest they play the national championship. You can't have it. You can't have four NFL teams left and still not have a national title champion for college football. It just feels weird. It feels off. It's stupid.

Nick Saban doesn't have sex, he just 'soaks' and watches film

I don't think that Saban has sex. I think that Saban just soaks. You know what soaking is? Yeah, it's the Mormon thing. He just soaks it for a while. And then he's watching film, grading players at the same time.

College football is fundamentally better when Nebraska is a good program

They're the quintessential college football is better when Texas is a good program. You know, it's like Texas. It's Notre Dame and Nebraska is like the third one of those programs. College football is better when Nebraska is good. That's a fact.

Oregon and Texas should have kept Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong

I would have kept them both [Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong], by the way. Absolutely. I really think you've got to give a guy four years.

Watching Beth Mowins call a low-scoring Big Ten game early on a Saturday morning was the perfect way to ease into a day of college football

The Big 10 has their new contract... That means, unfortunately, ESPN will not have the Big 10 and we will not have Beth Mowins putting us in a perfect spot on a Saturday morning, watching Purdue and Northwestern have a punt off. And I'm gonna miss that, because that game means a lot to me. It was a great way to ease you into Saturday because I don't like having a huge game right away.

Oregon's Kenyon Sadiq is a unique weapon with no equal in college football

Kenyon Sadiq, their tight end. There's nobody like Kenyon Sadiq in the whole country. He's, you know, 240 pounds, but runs like a, a really fast corner.

Bobby Petrino is a man of character who will clean up the North Carolina locker room as offensive coordinator

Bobby Petrino is going to be their new offense coordinator for next season. And I think that's a great hire. This is fun that Bobby Petrino, a man of character can get in, clean up that locker room and, and really change it from being a circus into a, a run of the mill workman like professional football organization.

The solution to Miami's football struggles is to hire a massive cheater and pay more money to players

Miami is a really easy problem to solve. It's like just let them cheat. Just hire the biggest possible cheater. Pay more. All the time. Find another guy that's got a Ponzi scheme going there and let him run the program again.

Nick Saban should have his man card revoked for getting a massage because of neck pain from watching film

Nick had to go out there and get a massage because he watched too much film and hurt his neck. So take his man card, Hank.

The South only has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson once college football season ends

Basically the South has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson. [College football] is the South's real time to shine.

Winning three Heismans is a greater accomplishment than winning a national championship

Would you rather have a national championship or three Heismans? And a civil conflict. Easy. Three Heismans. I've won the Heisman every place I've gone, so that's a recruiting [pitch]. Like, hey, you want to win a Heisman? Come be with Coach Duggs because guess what? When he's up 30 points, he's still going to pad those stats.

Oregon State is working to become known as 'Punter U'

We've had some pretty good punters come through. The punter for the New England Patriots, Ryan Allen, him and I walked on there together... So we're kind of trying to earn that nickname or the moniker Punter U. Tennessee might have it right now, but we're working on it.