Takes

Concussions aren't real

But actually concussions aren't real. So I don't know what Tebow is trying to get out there. Little Tebow is not the kind of guy who pretends to believe in stuff that doesn't actually exist.

NFL players putting 'Senior' on their jerseys is a 'sex brag'

I've been seeing way too many players out there that are putting senior on the back of their jerseys for one season after they have a kid... It's just blatant sex brags rubbing in your face. I think the NFL should blur it out.

Rams-49ers was the worst NFL game of the year

It was probably the shittiest game. I'm just going to say it. It was the worst game I've ever seen in the NFL in the last year.

NFL parity is just a myth for everyone being bad

They have convinced us that the NFL has extreme parity when in reality it's just everyone sucks. So you can make the playoffs because everyone sucks except for maybe five teams, four teams.

Jeff Fisher is on the hot seat because Hollywood demands style over substance

I'm gonna say Jeff Fisher... You live in Hollywood. You got to score some points. Flash. They've canceled series out in Hollywood for less than just a week one dud. Fisher, he's always been a Hollywood guy, right? He's always been a big glitz, glamour... But if you don't get the results, I think that he's going to be on the hot seat.

Dan Quinn is on the hot seat because his defense can't get sacks

Dan Quinn. Oh, okay. Yeah. Second year. You know what? Really, really bad. Dan Quinn, defensive mastermind, 19 sacks in 17 games with the Falcons.

The sun is officially beatable after Ben McAdoo's week one plan

So the Giants are 1-0 against the Sun. And the Cowboys are 0-1 against the Sun. So Sun's taking a lot of L's this year. It sounds like the Sun is very beatable. Between Tebow and McAdoo, it's a down year for the Sun.

The Jaguars are officially back if they beat the Chargers

If we win, I feel like the Jaguars are back. I'll say that... we have the Ravens and the Colts after that... I feel like the next 15 are winnable.

Rex Ryan got his lap band removed to win more games

Rex Ryan got his lap band out. And he said that it's because he won more football games as a fat guy... This is what happened here was Rob and Rex went out for Buffalo Wings like every single Sunday... and he was just sick of puking... I'm going to go through surgery just so I can eat some more.

Carson Wentz is the real deal and one of the best quarterbacks I've ever seen

Carson Wentz, the real deal. No way is this going to backfire, Philly. He is one of the best quarterbacks I've ever seen. Poise out of his eyeball. Hey, Philly, your Super Bowl curse, you're Gucci.

The Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater

I think the Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater. They have a guy now that can get the job done. Sean Hill, he's a gamer... he's a guy that can win a game for you.

Jimmy Garoppolo is the future quarterback of the Chicago Bears

Future Bear quarterback, Jimmy Garoppolo. If you say it enough, people are going to start getting it in their head... Jimmy Garoppolo from Illinois, Eastern Illinois product. Bears.

Matthew Stafford will finally make the leap this year because Calvin Johnson was holding him back

Is this the year that Matt Stafford finally makes the leap? I'm going to say yes. Calvin Johnson was holding him back. Better without Calvin Johnson. He can spread the ball around.

The Jaguars will go 8-8 this year

Everybody declared that the book reader Blake Bortles was ready to turn the corner and so on. But the fact their offensive line is bad, and I think they go 8-8 this year.

Retired the Flacco meter after Donald Trump addressed Flacco's eliteness — where else can it go from there?

I did retire the Flacco meter last year because once Donald Trump addressed [Joe] Flacco's eliteness, it's like, where else can it go from here? But every now and again, you need to kind of check in on it.

Robert Griffin III looks hilarious when he gets injured

I'm just going to say it... Robert Griffin looks hilarious when he gets injured. The dude is like, he's all arms and legs. He looks like Stretch Armstrong. Even when he's not getting injured, he looks like he's about to get injured. His body is shaped like an asterisk.

Cam Newton and Ron Rivera had the worst clock management of the 2016 season so far

Cam Newton and analytical Ron, probably the worst clock management that we've seen in the 2016 NFL season so far. They burned every single timeout within the first five minutes of the first half.

Trevor Siemian is the perfect Northwestern quarterback because he is bad but okay

Trevor Siemian, not that bad, but also not that good. Kind of like perfect Northwestern quarterback. He reminded you that he's Trevor Siemian, but then he made a couple of throws that were okay... He was bad, but he was also good.

My Week 1 NFL Lock is the Jaguars +5.5 at home against the Packers

This is my stone cold lock of the week. I've got the Jaguars at home, jagging off big time, plus five and a half against the Packers.

The Bears will win outright against the Texans in Week 1

Bears are going to win outright. Just a heads up, everyone.

Sam Bradford better simulates what Teddy Bridgewater would have done for the Vikings than Shaun Hill

Sam Bradford, the thinking is, I believe better simulates what Teddy would have done if he would have been able to play. I don't know that Bradford can get there... it's going to be an uphill climb, but when things settle down, they're going to be better off with Bradford than they would be with Hill.

The Packers will beat the Ravens in the 2016 Super Bowl

I got Packers over Panthers in the NFC... Ravens over Patriots in AFC. It is the return of the Ravens in 2016. I got Ravens Packers in the Super Bowl with the Packers winning.

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl. But when he doesn't win, that would actually — I would demand a raise here at Barstool if Joe Flacco made it. That would give me so much content.

The Saints are my 2016 dark horse team because their defense can't get any worse

How about the Saints? ... Their defense can't be any worse than it's been. And, you know, Dennis Allen is now in charge of it. They got rid of Rob Ryan... I think the Saints would be a team that could surprise some people this year.

Roger Goodell should suspend himself for two games following the Mike Pereira door-pushing revelation

Roger Goodell was protecting the shield before protecting the shield was cool. Here's what Roger Goodell should do. So it doesn't look good, right? ... Roger Goodell should suspend himself... for two games... And then he'll hear the appeal... reduce it to one game and boom, I think the problem solved.

Chuck Pagano and Sean Payton are on the hot seat to start the 2016 season

I got Chuck Pagano... both the Saints and the Colts, they're in win-now mode. And not only that, but Chuck Pagano, he's been healthy for a while. I think you can fire him now, and it's not like, ooh, we just fired the guy who had cancer.

Marvin Lewis and Jason Garrett are on the 'Ice Throne' and will never be fired

Number one, he's actually – we have to come up with a term. Is it just the cold seat? ... The king of the ice throne, Marvin Lewis. He will never be fired. Here's another one, though. Jason Garrett is so lucky to have Tony Romo because every single year he's like, could have been good, Tony got hurt.

Chip Kelly is on the Ice Throne because he intentionally stocks his roster with bad players to buy more time

I think Chip Kelly's on the ice throne, too... Because he's got blame gap. One thing that Chip Kelly is really great at is stockpiling his rosters with the shittiest quarterbacks... He's stocking his roster up with bad, bad players. And then he can be like, well, I didn't have the personnel this year. I'm still implementing my system.

Trevor Siemian is the Tim Tebow of the 2016 Denver Broncos

I don't even care that Trevor Siemian is the starting quarterback. Every game he's been in, they've won. Absolutely. So he's the Tim Tebow of the Denver Broncos this year.

I am officially not retired and looking for the right NFL situation

I guess I am officially not retired at the moment. I think I'd pick up the right call, like the right situation that came about. I'm not completely done.

Jay Cutler has a true gunslinger mentality that leads to extreme volatility

Jay would come out in the first half and sometimes throw four or five touchdowns, and then something would happen, and he'd throw four or five picks in the second half. So whatever that switch is that gets flipped, man, once it goes, he just starts firing the ball all over the place. But that's what makes him great. He's the true gunslinger mentality.

The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North in 2016

I got the Chicago Bears [to win the NFC North]. Love that move [signing Josh Sitton]. And also, Teddy Bridgewater got hurt. So, the only team I was worried about was the Vikings. And now they're out of the way.

The Arizona Cardinals will win the NFC West

NFC picks out west. I've got the Cardinals. I like Bruce Arians. I feel like everyone's played with Bruce Arians at some point.

The New York Giants will win the NFC East because Ben McAdoo is the best-dressed coach

I'm going to take the Giants and Ben McAdoo, the head coach, the best-dressed coach in the NFL.

Chad Kelly should legally change his name to Swag Kelly

Legally change your name to Swag. No way that will ever backfire when you're out of the NFL selling car insurance in bumfuck Mississippi. You will be Swag Kelly for life and you're good.

Russell Wilson will have a kid by February 2017

My new pick is Russell Wilson. Russell Wilson is deaf[initely]—now that I think about it, Russell Wilson is absolutely—he's going to have a kid. He for sure is having a kid. I'm going to call it February of next year.

Trading Sam Bradford for a first and fourth-round pick was a great deal for the Eagles

The Eagles, great trade for them. Any Eagles fan that's upset by this, I really don't know what to tell you. You just traded Sam Bradford. You weren't going to go to the playoffs, and you got a first and a fourth round.

Sam Bradford is a 'bunk credit score loan' who has sucked and will always suck

Sam Bradford is basically like one of these bunk credit score loans that get repackaged and repackaged and repackaged and sold for normal money... Sam Bradford has sucked, will always suck, and will continue to suck.

The Vikings will make the playoffs with Sam Bradford

I think the Vikings are going to probably go to the playoffs now. [PFT: I think you're insane.] I think that their defense is good enough, and I think more than anything, it's a mental thing. You have to show your team that you're not going to just punt on the year.

Teddy Bridgewater's injury is actually a positive for Vikings fans because it removes the stress of expectations

I mean, right off the bat, it's kind of nice. You don't have to get your hopes up. It's vacation season for Vikings fans. Like, you know, just relax. Take your shoes up. You don't have to stress yourself out during the games. You get to kind of take it easy.

A player who suffers a gruesome career-ending injury should have the option to be euthanized on the field

If it's an old fullback, let's say he's like 37, 38 years old, got a lot of miles on the legs. He's about to retire and he lives and breathes for football, breaks his leg gruesomely. I think a player like that would almost rather be euthanized on the field than have to live out the rest of the life.

LeSean McCoy will have a massive bounce-back year in fantasy football

Take LeSean McCoy and your fantasy team. He was a mess last year. Philly was his home, right? He had all his boys there. Now he goes to Buffalo. I mean, I talked to him several times. I think he's got a new attitude. It's beyond him. Chip Kelly's gone. You know, everything's have changed. I look for him to have a big year.

I only got a college scholarship because I won $1,400 in an underground poker game

I went to this underground game in Pittsburgh. I borrowed 100 bucks from one of my friends... I had jack nine... I caught a full house... I end up having $1,400. My dad spots me the other $100. I go down to the camp. I kick a 65-yard field goal... Tony Gibson from West Virginia University is there. 'You want a scholarship to West Virginia?'... without that tournament happening, [I have] no chance.

I will play a maximum of three more years of football

The end's in sight, but we'll see. Maximum would be three years. Minimum would be [one].

Dak Prescott is a speedster who will redefine the quarterback position

I've done a little scouting on Dak Prescott, your backup. Athletic, mobile. He's going to redefine the quarterback position. He's a speedster. I don't know if we've ever seen an athlete like Dak Prescott back there. He's instinctive. He's not a thinker. He's kind of like a Mike Vick type.

Joey Bosa needs to shave his goatee to win over public support during his contract holdout

Number one is, dude, you got to shave the goatee. No one's going to be lining up behind you to support you if you're wearing the goatee. Right now, Joey Bosa, he looks like the evil dimension version of Joey Bosa. You're not doing yourself any favors with the facial hair.

Joey Bosa likely has a gambling problem because he is demanding his signing bonus money immediately

Just knee jerk here. Gambler to gambler. Sounds like Joey Bosa has a gambling problem. Like I need that money now, man. I need it right now. Like that's he thinks that he's being, you know, sly here. But as a gambler, I can see what he's doing. He's clearly got some big debts he needs to pay.

Charlie Weis hacked life by getting paid $24 million specifically to not work

But if you really look at the facts, what Charlie's done with his career is what we should all strive for. And that's he's getting paid $24 million to not work. And in what world – he's basically hacked life, OK? ... He has figured out how to design an offense that's so bad that people will pay you not to implement it.

Charlie Weis will never get another coaching job unless he gets rid of his aggressive pet parrot

My biggest takeaway from the article is that he's not going to get another job until he gets rid of the bird in his house. ... It's a sun conure that dive bombs anybody that walks into his house. ... I think he got the parrot to get himself fired quicker at Kansas.

The Ryan brothers are the 'original feminists' because Rob Ryan carries weight like a pregnant woman

Is Rob Ryan the original feminist? I mean, he's pregnant, basically. He has to walk around with that weight, right? He's got that belly. I think he's in a hat tip to all the women out there who have gone through childbirth and the beautiful child thing that is childbirth. Rob stands with you.