Takes

Austin Ekeler will score three touchdowns against the 49ers

I'm going to again say that Austin Ekeler is going triple dick. This shit out of him. The Niners are gonna be airtight triple dick. Let's go.

Watching Russell Wilson fail in prime time has become fascinating theater

That Russell Wilson clip that I somehow missed of him saying Bronco country, let's ride after the loss... Man I'm actually, I'm, I'm zagging on everyone being like, this sucks that we have to watch the Broncos and I kind of wanna watch Russell Wilson just continue to fail on prime time. It's fun. It's good theater at this point.

Justin Fields will have a magical performance against the Packers at Lambeau

Wouldn't it be nice. If a little passing on the torch, Justin Fields went up to Lambeau his first trip to Lambeau, beat the Packers... I definitely deep down, I won't let myself say it in a serious tone because I don't want to be mocked... but deep down I'm thinking like this could be magical.

Kirk Cousins is statistically the best quarterback of all time.

Statistically, the best quarterback of all time.

Ryan Tannehill is a fantasy lock for 250 yards and 4 touchdowns

My starting this week is Ryan Tannehill. If one thinks the Titans are running team, he's putting up forties and 250 yards minimum this weekend minimum, bro.

Julio Jones will score three touchdowns against the Browns

Julio Jones. The floodgates are open. He scored a touchdown last week. He's going to score three this week. Three touchdowns against the Cleveland Browns. Start him, start him, start him.

Jay Cutler will return to the NFL to play for the 49ers

I know some people who know some people who know some people... heard Jay Cutler is going to be back for the San Francisco 49ers... I think Jay Cutler is going to be great in the San Francisco 49ers.

Eli Manning should just retire already

Fuck Eli Manning. How many times is Eli Manning going to sack himself when I put a little fucking cashola on the Giants in a Sunday night game? Fuck you, Eli Manning. Just retire, you fucking asshole.

Josh Allen is my sleeper of the week and will 'take flight' against the Vikings

My sleeper is Josh Allen. Against the Vikings, D. Everybody's talking about him. People forget they tied. They didn't win. They didn't lose. They don't know what the fuck is going on this week. That rocket arm about to take flight.

Devontae Mays is a sleeper who will put up big numbers for the Packers through the end of the season

My sleeper is Devontae Mays. Brett Hundley stinks. Look for him to put up some big numbers to the end of the season for the Packers. ... Where does he play? Green Bay. What position? Running back slash receiver.

AJ Green will have a massive game against the Titans after putting Jalen Ramsey in a sleeper hold

I got my sleeper. It's AJ Green. He put Jalen Ramsey in a sleeper, and he's going to come back with a performance this week against the Tennessee Titans. Rock and Refuel. They can't play defense. Start AJ Green.

Start Drew Stanton on his bye week to guarantee a zero rather than negative points

My stardom of the week: Drew Stanton. The Cardinals are on a bye. But Drew Stanton, if he starts, he's getting negative points. So you start him on the bye and you get that zero. Bruce Arians is going to turn this team around.

Nelson Agholor is a 'start' this week because the Eagles are on fire

My stardom, Nelson Agholor. The Eagles are on fire and up against a weak pass team for the 49ers.

Julio Jones will have a massive 'revenge game' against the Patriots on Sunday

My stardom: Julio Jones. The Patriots secondary stinks. Primetime revenge game. Julio Jones. pick him up on the waiver wire and start his ass.

Big Ben will have a big game against the Chiefs because he's too dumb to realize he stinks

Big Ben is too dumb to realize he stinks now. That's why he's going to come out. He's going to throw all over the field. Big Ben, he's fatter than Andy Reid now. That's a win for Big Ben.

Ricardo Lewis is a legitimate fantasy sleeper because of his target share

Ricardo Lewis. Great name, even better value. Pick him up. He has the most targets on the [Browns] this year.

Sit Michael Crabtree in fantasy this week because EJ Manuel cannot be trusted

My sit-em is Michael Crabtree. I don't trust EJ Manuel as far as he could throw me.

I'm finally calling it: Kareem Hunt is my sleeper of the week

He's a rookie, but I'm finally going to pick him up on my waiver wire. I'm talking about Kareem Hunt. He's my sleeper of the week.

Hunter Henry is a sleeper tight end pick for Week 5

My sleeper. Leave me alone. Hunter Henry. Tight end.

Julio Jones will go off in Week 4; pick him up off waivers if he's available

I'm going to start him, Julio Jones. He's going to go off this week. I guarantee it. Start him if you have him on your team. If you don't, pick him up off the waiver wire.

Fantasy owners should be able to suspend their own players from real-life games

As a fantasy football owner, if I owned Odell Beckham, I think that it should be within my right to actually suspend him. From real games. If a high enough percentage of Odell Beckham Jr.'s fantasy football owners are mad at him for doing something, then let's say above 65%.