Takes

It is embarrassing for a grown man to wear a bike helmet

You just can't, you just look like a fucking fool and you look like an idiot. Especially when you get off the bike and you're like, walking without the bike.

Bratwurst has the worst physical aftermath of any competitive eating food

There's a couple that like, I know going in, they're gonna be rough. Like anything with bratwurst, bratwurst, man, there's, they add extra fat in there and it, it's, it's running through you. It, it, it, it's, you're not in control. It's there. There's, there's accidents bound to happen there.

You should always go reckless in Dungeons and Dragons

When people that I run games for among the Awls, I ask them if they're going reckless. They always say, of course, like Norm. Yeah, I gotta go reckless. You gotta go reckless because they look up to Norm. I think 100% it, you gotta always go reckless. 100%. No risk, no biscuit.

Zac is the most selfish Dungeons and Dragons player for healing himself over the team

The most selfish player award goes to Zac. Absolutely... Crazy because if you had healed to any of us, we probably would've beaten the dragon... All fucked up.

The era of the 'Featured Barber' and high-priced haircuts is officially here

The barbers are up... you pull up, they only do the app appointments... they're like 60 to 80 dollars... then there's guys down a little bit further down the street doing featured spots... book your appointment now.

Winning is a band-aid that cures everything in sports, regardless of the problem

Winning cures everything. You know, winning is, it's a band-aid that, you know, it doesn't matter if it's a bullet hole, whatever, you know, it cures everything and you just kind of go play baseball.

Relationship hobbies must be established from the start because you can't add an addiction later

Before you start dating, you have to have all your hobbies set because you can't just add golf. You can add golf, but you can't add golf addict. There's a difference. There's a, you could be a golfer, but if this guy's playing seven days a week and YouTube tutorials and practicing swinging the living room, that's going to, you're gonna need to ease into that one.

Ice tennis would be cool as shit

Ice tennis would be cool as shit. Yeah. If you're on skates. Yeah. Somebody should make that happen. That would be cool. I would, I would watch ice tennis.

The 'Sharknado' meta and Smurf accounts are ruining Marvel Rivals

The developers of Marvel rivals... are tanking the game. So they're, they're allowing these guys to do... Smurf account... and then they've changed the team up and now there's a sharknato that you can light on fire and the sharknato is ruining the game. It's bad.

Jim Irsay lived exactly how a billionaire NFL owner should live

I think Jim Irsay is the closest to how I would wanna live my life if I was a billionaire. He had a football team... He collected sick guitars... He lived how you should live if you are a billionaire.

Installing a soft serve ice cream machine in the office is a life-changing move

I reassessed my life and I realized that a life without constant access to soft serve ice cream is not a life I want to live anymore... I trade [shooting a diamond out of my dick] in a heartbeat. I mean a soft serve machine. It's like a, it's a gold mine. It's a dream of mine. It's the best. I love soft serve ice cream. It's so good. And it's good for you.

Men should not be sedated when getting a tattoo

I have a take. And that's if you get sedated for, you shouldn't get sedated for a tattoo as a man... I would never get sedated for a tattoo.

Running a marathon in six hours does not count as finishing a marathon

People do run marathons in like six hours and then they, and they, and then they post on Instagram... No you didn't. Six hour marathon is not doing it.

Doing work is more fulfilling than pursuing girls

Doing work lasts longer and more fulfilling. Took me 35 years to figure it out... Fact confirmed. Doing girls very cool, but doing work lasts longer and more fulfilling.

100 dedicated humans could easily defeat one gorilla in a fight

I think a hundred friends could be one gorilla. Everybody just gotta be dedicated to the shit. And that sparked a debate across the internet... I am firmly of the belief that a hundred people could easily be go a fight.

The first SB2K spring break trip was better than the second one

The first one was better. It was 2016 because it was our first time and it was, I felt like the, the next year we went like we wanted to do it, but it was, it felt like we like had to... It took away the, the fun of the, you know, the debauchery of a, of a boys trip of just playing golf and just, you know, drinking beers the whole time.

The 'Rule of 5' is the mandatory limit for a group dinner to be productive

Rule of five, no dinners more than five people. I will maybe sometimes allow a sixth if it's somebody's spouse... I want everybody at the table to hear the other people. If I go to a dinner and there's four of us and they call back later and say we're adding people, I'm like 'okay, you guys have fun. I'll go someplace else.'

I am significantly better than Hank at 16-inch softball

I am definitely so much better than Hank at 16-inch softball... I guarantee you. I can slap singles. I'm faster than Hank.

Mouth tape leads to more restful sleep

I'm a mouth tape guy now. I do feel more rested with mouth tape. It just forces you to breathe out your nose.

Kidney stone pain is worse than childbirth

Also, the doctor again for the second time told me that this pain is worse than childbirth. Which I will not be saying to any women, but it's true... I've given birth to like 13 kidney stones. I'm as tough as Philip Rivers' wife.

Cliff Kingsbury buying a one-way ticket to Thailand is the horniest move an adult male can make

I just keep thinking to myself like, this is the place that Cliff Kingsbury bought a one-way ticket to. I think that's the horniest move that an adult male can do. Is to buy a one-way ticket to Thailand.

Big men everywhere start dreading April because they lose the ability to hide under sweatshirts

We're getting to t-shirt weather. Do we have a plan? The first nice day where it's 70 degrees and you hold onto the sweatshirt and you're like, 'this is uncomfortable.' And you realize I'm gonna have to start wearing a t-shirt. It's the worst feeling in the world. I forgot that I couldn't just wear a sweatshirt for the entire year.

Hammocks are the most overrated thing in the world

I have a hammock take they suck. Most overrated thing in the world... It's thinking about getting out of a hammock. Getting out of a hammock sucks... They're uncomfortable. You're not taking naps in the hammock.

Nice furniture does not belong outside

Nice furniture should not be outside... the maintenance is not worth the comfort. It's fucking outdoors.

Borgs (Blackout Rage Gallons) are ratchet

My other, who's back of the week is... Borg. Blackout rage gallon. Foul... I've seen... people name 'em and stuff... it's so ratchet.

Most women believe that all men are naturally capable of dunking a basketball

My fiance just asked me with a straight face. When was the first time I dunked. She just assumed throughout our entire relationship I've been dunking... hubs is probably about my height. And he's bringing to light the, the fact that a lot of women just think that all men can dunk.

The Audi Q3 is a 'chick car'

I don't care. You're drive. Drive your Audi outta here lady. Get your ass outta here... [Hank drives an Audi] ...She was like a Q3 thinking like she's big time. [Is that a chick car?] Great. On gas. Let's put it that way. Yeah. That's the chick car.

You can change an entire nation's perception of you just by knowing ball

Timothy Chalamet's proof that you can change an entire nation's perception of you by knowing Ball. If Osama Bin Laden would've declared his love for Miami Ohio's football program, we would've been like, you know, we can always just rebuild those towers.

Brown toilets should be more popular because they hide stains better

Say no Brown's kitchen. Every toilet's brown, brown toilets should be more popular. You hide the stains easy. He, he like, you should be like, listen honey, we'll do every toilet in this house Browns.

Prospects are defined by how they handle the biggest adversity they've faced

The best thing... is, hey, what's the biggest adversity you faced and how did you bounce back from it? I'm such a big believer just based on the course of things that have occurred... that even though the most challenging moments, they felt like the worst thing when you're in 'em, you look back on 'em and you're saying, I don't know where I would be without what those lessons and those tough times taught me.

Going 5-12 in 2022 was the best thing that ever happened to me professionally

The best thing in these eight years that's happened to me, it was going five and 12 in 2022. Like it really was because of what that force. Like I had to get my ass broken down and really exposed on a public level where you're really saying like, all right, some of these insecurities you have now, you can't hide from 'em and you're either gonna handle it the way that you would want to advise your son or you're gonna run away from it.

I will be the governing owner of Jerry O'Connell's fantasy football team in name only

Governing owner in name only? That sounds fair to me... Blame me [if he is fired]. Everybody else does.

You cannot get mad at your partner for what appears in their Instagram algorithm

You can't get mad at technology. Right. Max, what is yours? ... I curate it like if I see if I pass by tits because you gotta click on it that way you get more tits... It's technology. The phones are smarter than we are.

My Instagram algorithm is 80% golf and 20% tits

It's like 80% golf. No, there's some, there's some, there's some tits mixed in, but mostly golf.

Michigan is the shittiest state in the United States

Oh, that's the shittiest state. You guys own that? Michigan sucks. Really? Michigan sucks. If you have no other 49 states to go to.

We are currently in the worst three weeks of the sports calendar

I believe that we are in the worst three weeks of the sports calendar. ... It's these two to three weeks where we haven't gotten to March Madness. Because then once we get to March Madness, then it's Masters, then it's NBA and NHL playoffs. ... I think these are the worst two to three weeks of the entire year. Right now.

The era of working from home is over

Working from home's done. I'm gonna say he's right. ... I fundamentally, I understand working from home is awesome for a lot of people, but I do think that you lose... the younger generation is gonna lose out. ... Not working with other people and having the coalescence of ideas... you will lose out.

Booing national anthems in sports creates healthy bad blood

I'm fine with it. I like the fact that they, that there's some bad blood there. Like for a while. USA Canada, we've been buddy buddy... but to like actually drum up some hate for your opponent, I think is really good. It's awesome.

A Dungeons and Dragons player who shapeshifts into an animal too early cannot be trusted

If you morph into something else already, how can you be trusted? Right. It's not even, especially if it's not even known yet. [I need to] fit in with like the rest of the crowd.

There is nothing more satisfying than killing NPCs that you cannot normally kill over the internet

And nothing more satisfying than getting to kill people that we can't normally kill over the internet. Yes. Suck my dick, Poopy Stinks.

Turtles are annoying, talk down to others, and think they are in on something when they are not

There's something about it, a turtle that they do things in a way that is just really annoying to others. And I felt that annoyance within myself... They're also dumb and they think that they're in on something when they're really not.

Big Cat would have to lose a significant amount of weight to ever dunk

I hope you could too. You would have to lose a lot of weight. I know you're not going, you're don't. I would, don't put a time.

I would want to live to 102 if I owned an NFL team

Unless I own an NFL team, then I do [want to be 102]... Owning an FL team would be sick though. Like, you don't want to die if you're owning an NFL team.

I am a better athlete than Hank at everything

I just have to come to the realization, I'm just a better athlete than [Hank] at everything... I'm mad at myself hand up accountability. I'm just better at than Hank at everything Hand up.

Getting old is primarily about 'giving less of a fuck'

I think the number one thing is giving less of a fuck. That's the number one thing with age that is so much better. Where it's like, I don't start dressing better, but it's like, I don't care. I got kids. I got a good life. I don't give a fuck.

Sports should normalize a 24-hour window for sore losers to act out

I think we need to normalize more like bad losers. Like let 'em, let 'em be sore losers for a minute... I think we should have like a 24-hour hour shock clock for big games fans and, and players alike that anything they, they should be able to say whatever they want and it shouldn't count long term.

The Super Bowl marks the official end of winter

I'm keeping [the Christmas trees] up till after the Super Bowl. Super Bowl is the end of winter, as far as I'm concerned. That's the end of our season... that's the sign of spring to me.

Speakeasies should be illegal to be authentic

I don't think that there should be speakeasies unless they're actually like illegal places where you can like smoke inside and like, it's against the law. That's what a speakeasy should be... It's stolen valor. If I look at your wall and you have your health department grade on the wall, [it's not a speakeasy].

Pour-your-own-beer bars are a terrible trend

Another trend that I fucking hate bars I can't stand... the bars that have the like pour your own beers. I hate that shit... The whole point of going to a bar is have someone like, you get to sit down... you feel like you're playing laser tag or some shit. Sucks.

The speed of Google's new quantum chip suggests we are likely living in a computer simulation

Google says that one of the world's current fastest supercomputers would take 10 septillion years to complete that same challenge that Google's chip did in less than five minutes... it actually lends credence to the, the theory that we are living in one of an infinite number of computer simulations right now.