Takes

Canada is a 'Hall of Very Good' country, but not a top-three country

Our next pick is gonna be Canada as a country, which is very good. Not Hall of Fame country... They're just very good. Seems pretty good... But have they ever been in history, a top three country? No. No. And that's okay. They're like the Scottie Pippen of countries.

Titty fucking is 'very good' but not 'Hall of Fame' level

We want to take titty fucking. Yeah. It's very good. ... It's not Hall of fame. Hall of Fame is sex. ... If you're titty fucking in an above ground pool in Canada, you're having a very good time. Yeah.

The 'Mega Bed' changed my life

I initially scoffed it because it was a long day of travel. I was tired. It was late. But then the next day I was like, you know what Zac, we got a mega bed. You were right. We mega Beded... mega bed changed my life.

The Stanley Cup tumbler craze is overhyped because it is just a cup

We're gonna take Stanley cups, drinkware, the big fucking Stanley Cups that everyone goes crazy about. All the women love it. Don't understand the hypes... It's literally just a cup... they're almost like beanie babies, like the newer version of Beanie Babies where people collect different colors.

Cold plunges are a form of performative suffering for wealthy people

It was widely considered like one of the worst parts of our week when like everyone on our team had to do a cold plunge and then out of nowhere it has just become widely known as like the best thing that people are like paying to go do for luxury... life is so easy that they like to do something that makes them feel pain... I heard about this on a podcast.

The Mona Lisa is an ugly, shitty, overhyped painting

We don't understand the hype of the Mona Lisa whatsoever. It's a fucking chick. And she's ugly. I don't get it... It's a fucking painting. It's so dumb. It's so hyped... It's a shitty painting. If you put that up in my house, it'd be like, take it down. She's ugly.

The hype around being an adult is unmerited; everyone rushes to grow up for no reason

Being an adult, I don't understand the hype on like being an adult. Everyone. You're as growing up. Everyone was like, I can't wait to get older, get older, get older. And I'm like, why are we rushing these things?... I don't get the hype on everyone wanting to age so quickly... I just, not all the aspects are the best.

A cracked or shattered iPhone screen is incredibly sexy

The cracked iPhone. It is so sexy... when her iPhone screen is so shattered that she's got like tiny little cuts and abrasions on her thumb from using it. It's so hot. Hot. I got utterly unusable.

A girl throwing with perfect form is one of the hottest things imaginable

Throwing a perfect spiral. It is so sexy. The Kelsey Plum video... A girl throwing with perfect form is so hot. It's a regular thing... when a girl does it, it's so hot.

It would take at least 10 world-class UFC fighters to kill one silverback gorilla

A hundred of me will kill that gorilla. But we would need at least 10 [UFC fighters]. We would need at least 10. One guy is gonna have to sacrifice it, man. Yeah. You need one guy to sacrifice maybe two then you need one to be able to grab the back. I'll just keep on choking until it dies.

One of the best parts of getting old is being able to get away with light shoplifting.

Light shoplifting. Just a little bit of light shoplifting. Some of it, when you're old you can kind of just walk out with shit. And people aren't gonna get mad at you. ... Oh, I didn't know. I, I put the, that candy bar in there. ... Whoops.

I can't wait to use a handicapped parking spot when I'm old

Handicapped parking. I can't wait to fucking do it... Primo spots. Oh, I always pass it. I'm like, obviously don't want, I'm very thankful to be able to be able, but if you're old, that's a good, that's a good deal.

One of the best things to look forward to when you're old is watching your enemies die.

Watching your enemies die. I got some enemies that I wouldn't hate seeing die. ... and like the older you get, the better chance you have to watch them die.

If you have to light yourself on fire for a trick, it's not cool enough

If you have to light yourself on fire, the trick's not cool enough to start with.

Glow-in-the-dark skeleton pajamas are the 'good suits' of pajamas

But you also have glow in the dark pajamas. Those are, those aren't regular pajamas. Those are the good suits of pajamas.

The dream life is having your biggest problem be a spilled Dr. Pepper while gaming

I'm jealous of this. Like you were, you were describing like, obviously I love my kids. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but like for a minute I would love to just be like, oh man, my biggest issue tonight is I spill my Dr. Pepper while gaming in my pajamas. That's a good night, dude.

Riding a bike as an adult is overrated compared to being good at golf

Guess what? Riding a bike. Overrated When you become adult. Golf is way more useful. Like I would trade being able to ride a bike for being able to golf well instantly.

Quitting a job you hate is the best feeling in the world

Our last pick, we're gonna take quitting. No better feeling. Quitting is so satisfying. It's the best feeling. If you ever quit a job you don't like, best fucking feeling in the world.

Complaining while doing a difficult job is a form of grit

The more grit you have, sometimes you just have to complain your way through it. But you still do it, right? ... I think it'd be gritty going on vacation and just complaining and hating vacation. That is actually a very gritty thing to do.

You should never eat salad because salads are killers.

Don't eat salad. Salads are killers. [Dustin May] almost died. He choked on a salad, went down the wrong pipe... then he had Tommy John right after that. Happy he is with us. Don't eat salad.

Grit is the ability to not care what happens to you and just keep going.

Grit is, I would say, you know it when you see it. It's the ability basically to not care what happens to you and just keep going... What doesn't kill me doesn't bother me. Like think about it—I'm not dead. You can't bother me. You can't get to me. I think that's the definition of grit.

Toronto is the best city in the world

Toronto's the best city in the world easily. Chicago summers are the second best. Those are my two favorite places in the world.

Reading is dumb

I think that this book we're dumb and books are dumb reading's. Dumb.

A toe is the best body part to injure if you have to pick one

I would say though that if you were to pick one body part on your body to be injured, it's probably your toe.

I will never be a better person than I am a golfer

I definitely fall short as a person... I think that's shit. I mean, it's like... I would say I have plenty of room to improve on the person front and, and definitely plenty of room and room to improve as a golfer as well. [Big Cat: There's no way you'll ever be a better person than golfer]. Yeah, I think that's, that's a fair option.

Cutting dairy from my diet cured my chronic knee pain in three weeks

I was having knee issues and I was... I needed to make some adjustments... I told myself, I'm gonna do it [go dairy free] for a month... probably about three weeks into it, honestly, I felt so much better. My body just felt fresher... I attributed it to the lack of dairy at the time.

George Kittle and Kyle Long are the two athletes most likely to accidentally injure you during horseplay

The two guys that I will always say that, when you are around them, whether it be drinking or just being around them and you're worried about maybe a little bit of wrestling and horseplay that will get you very, very injured: it's George Kittle and Kyle Long. Both those guys, I'm just like, I'm always just kind of ready to be tackled and have all my insides ripped up.

The World Series of Poker should embrace its bad boy William Kass to save the game from 'robot' players

The World Series of Poker is gonna do the opposite thing that they should do. They should embrace this guy because these type of people... you need personalities. You need people that are aggravating. You don't need people who are robots who are playing by an algorithm and just going through it.

Hearing people describe their poker beats is more boring than hearing people describe their dreams

I actually think that hearing people describe their poker beats might be more boring than hearing people describe their dreams.

Disney World with kids is the absolute worst place in the world to be violently hungover

Disney World with kids would be hell on earth. Because then you actually actively have to parent and chase them around and worry about where they're being and stand in lines and eat gross food. I actually don't think that there's, I've never been to Disney World as a kid or an adult, but I think that might be the worst place in the world.

First dates should always start with drinks as a 'solos match' before committing to more

I was thinking we, we could run, we could run drinks if she's open to that. I like that Max, easy. Just happy hour. A few drinks. Nothing crazy. Maybe just one drink. We'll start with one drink. And then if it's good, then you go two.

Construction workers are the groundwork of civilization and deserve more credit

So much infrastructure to the entire, everything that we do. This building, all of our homes, all, all of the establishments we go to. I mean, it's everywhere. The groundwork of civilization, all the construction workers is deserve so much credit.

Sports fandom is forged in tragedy, not triumph

it's about fandom... and really what it's about is about community and a community forged in tragedy because there can be only one at the end of each year in any, in every and any sport. And so there's something really beautifully human about that, that, that we are not forged in triumph. We're forged in tragedy.

Football is not a breakfast sport; it is a beer sport meant for the afternoon and evening

Everything's just two nights in a row. ... I don't like the idea of waking up and having breakfast while football's coming up. Football is not a breakfast sport. Tennis is a breakfast sport. Golf can be a breakfast sport. ... Football is a beer sport.

Modern alarm clocks have become too chill; we need irritating sounds like fire alarms to actually wake up

We gotta get back to making alarm clocks great again. Yeah. Because though, I, I need to have like the fire alarm sound. I need Max's hiccup. Hiccup. Yeah. To wake me up. I'm sorry about that. Yeah, that's okay. But like, I need, I need a grading irritating sound to wake me up. Alarm clocks have gotten way too chill with a nice, like gradual. The light ones. Yeah. That kinda like light up your room a little bit with sunlight. The ambient noise. Fuck that. Don't, that's, that's too new agey shit for me.

Jesus is the chillest bro of all time because he took a three-day nap

He's just the chillest guy of all time. Turn the other cheek. Try to, you know, bring world peace to the world. Dude, bro. Took a three day nap. How chill is that?

Lamar Jackson is a dream rotation choice to smoke weed with

You gotta put Lamar [Jackson] in the top tier, right? For sure. Lamar is absolutely the top tier of that. A hundred percent.

The 'Micro Retirement' trend is just Gen Z trying to rebrand regular vacations

There's a new fad for Gen Zers. It is called Micro Retirements. They involve taking a one to two week break from work every 12 to 18 months. They're basically just stealing [vacations]. It's also not enough. No, it's not enough. It's not enough. But that's, but you can't let them steal the word vacation. They're trying to change it to micro retirements. Yeah. That makes no sense. Yeah, it's crazy. They're trying to rebrand it.

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

Joey Chestnut is a top five athlete of all time

I really do think that Joey Chestnut might be the greatest athlete of all time. I actually like broke it down... however you slice it, he's like top five athlete of all time.

Brian Steele is the greatest defense attorney of all time

Brian Steele might just be the greatest defense attorney of all time... he has beat racketeering charges for his clients for the second time... Young Thug... Sean Combs.

It is embarrassing for a grown man to wear a bike helmet

You just can't, you just look like a fucking fool and you look like an idiot. Especially when you get off the bike and you're like, walking without the bike.

Getting hit in the head with a ball is always embarrassing regardless of the situation

Getting hit in the head with a ball, no matter how it happens, is always embarrassing. Like I'm saying, you could be playing catch it hits you in the head. That's very embarrassing. But even when we're playing hoops out here and like everyone's shooting around and you're not even looking and the ball hits you in the back of the head, you're embarrassed.

It's embarrassing for a person to use an umbrella even though it's better than getting wet

Holding an umbrella... even though it's obviously way better than being wet... there's something about holding an umbrella that just sucks.

Bratwurst has the worst physical aftermath of any competitive eating food

There's a couple that like, I know going in, they're gonna be rough. Like anything with bratwurst, bratwurst, man, there's, they add extra fat in there and it, it's, it's running through you. It, it, it, it's, you're not in control. It's there. There's, there's accidents bound to happen there.

You should always go reckless in Dungeons and Dragons

When people that I run games for among the Awls, I ask them if they're going reckless. They always say, of course, like Norm. Yeah, I gotta go reckless. You gotta go reckless because they look up to Norm. I think 100% it, you gotta always go reckless. 100%.

There is nothing hotter than asking for consent twice

As long as there's consent, right? ... After I have consent I definitely ask for consent. 'cause there's nothing hotter.

In a Dungeons and Dragons party, you should prioritize healing the tank over less important team members

If you're fighting a war and you've got a tank and your tank is missing a tread and then there's like one guy over in the corner that hasn't done shit, hasn't killed anybody, and he's like, got the flu, are you gonna spend your time fixing the guy that's got the flu or the tank that's missing a tread?

Zac is the most selfish Dungeons and Dragons player for healing himself over the team

The most selfish player award goes to Zac. Absolutely... Crazy because if you had healed to any of us, we probably would've beaten the dragon... All fucked up.

Eating raw meat can lead to a psychotic break, as evidenced by the Liver King's recent behavior

Did you guys see that [the Liver King] was arrested for terroristic threats? Telling Joe Rogan that we're gonna drive to the house, maybe two to the chest, one to the head... I would just like to say don't eat raw meat because of that's what can happen. You can have a psychotic break.