Takes

Losing weight becomes functionally impossible after age 30

I can't lose weight... metabolism. I, I can't just be like, oh, I'm going to eat a salad for four days in a row and lose 10 pounds. That doesn't happen anymore.

Jerking off is low-key gay

One, one is jerking off so easily. You're literally touching... Constantly touching it... Looking at it. Caressing it... You look forward to it.

A quarterback taking snaps under center is low-key gay

Our next pick is a quarterback under center... Pro-style offense. What does that mean? Putting his hands in you basically. The ass. Tom Brady has a very specific way that he likes his center's ass to be... he makes the center put a specific type of towel like in his ass cheeks.

Familiarity with Brookline was a massive advantage in the US Open

[Knowing the course] Massive. Yeah. I just feel like, because I had success there before I just felt, I did feel like really confident throughout the whole week. I just felt I was so comfortable where I needed to go... There wasn't one shot out there that I felt intimidated by.

I am a huge LIV Golf fan because the golfers are good and it's free on YouTube

I've been watching the LIV Tour since it started. I will continue to watch it. I'm a huge LIV fan. I'm just like put sports in front of me if they're entertaining and good golfers, I'll probably tune in, especially if it's free on YouTube.

Will Zalatoris has to figure out his putting based on vibes

I actually afterwards said that Will Zalatoris has to figure out his putting... I do strokes gained by vibes. He missed a big putt. He, I would say he lost somewhere around $50,000 worth of strokes gained for me personally.

American sports stadiums need more unison crowd singing

SVP pointed out like we, as Americans have missed, like why did we miss the singing as a crowd phenomenon at sports events? Because it is instant chills no matter what... why did we miss the boat? We need more singing in stadiums.

Steph Curry has accidentally ruined basketball for children

I don't like what he's done to the sport of basketball, but I like him... through no fault of his own. He's just, he's all the, every kid out there that doesn't grow... is like, you know what? I'm just going to shoot from half court now... and fun fact nobody's the next Steph.

The new NCAA Football video game should be simple for the 'common man'

I just hope they make the game for the common man and not for like the dudes that are playing for like a million dollars... I want it for the regular guy who's going to play, you know, a couple hours at night when they get home from work.

Steph Curry is now in the conversation for best basketball player of all time

Steph Curry is now in the conversation for best basketball player of all time, all time, but he still hasn't had the, the MVP trophy handed to him by the commissioner yet because we had the backup commissioner that filled in for silver and did that tonight.

Steph Curry is the #2 point guard of all time and better than Magic Johnson

He's, I don't know where he's number two point guard of all time. And I guess you could probably make the argument now that like, people will probably argue that he's better than magic. I don't know. You know, I'm not an MBA historian, but he is number two all time.

The Lightning are the worst back-to-back champions of all time

The idea that the, the lightning might be the worst back-to-back champions of all time. If you look at the bubble when put an asterix on that, and then you look at them playing like maybe one of the worst Stanley cup champion or say like a finals teams in recent memory, like last 30 years and the Canadians, and now they finally run into a wagon in the Stanley cup finals.

Blogging was easier in the early 2010s because there were fewer bloggers and more unique topics

I think you blogged a different era. I will say... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics to blog she could get... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics.

Neither the Warriors nor the Celtics are truly great teams compared to historical NBA champions

Is there a chance that neither of these teams are that great? I keep thinking that one team's going to assert themselves one or the other. And it's like, both these teams are very good. I'm saying neither of these teams are like, great... whoever wins this, I'm not going to walk away and be like, that team was one of the best championship teams I've ever seen.

Any NBA team from the 1990s would die trying to defend the Golden State Warriors' movement and pick-and-rolls

Any team from the nineties that had to deal with the fucking pick and rolls and like the movement that the warriors do, like they would die. They would die. It's insane. The amount of they would be killed on the court... like NBA players didn't run. They didn't do a cardio in the nineties.

Little Caesars pizza is trash and barely counts as pizza

Little Caesars is trash. It is trash. People forget... Caesars are just trash. It's like not pizza.

Never name a dog after a sports figure who hasn't already secured a Hall of Fame legacy

Never name your dogs after sports figures that aren't Hall of Famers... maybe don't name him after a player unless he's been at least two or three All-Star games. That's a good little rule of thumb.

LIV Golf is the tour for people who are in debt or recently divorced

Somebody pointed out... they said that it was the tour for people who were either heavily in debt or recently divorced. And that's exactly right. Like if you need to make alimony payments, you're going to the fucking LIV. You're going to take the money and run.

Tennessee Baseball are clowns for missing the College World Series

I don't think... it's a fine line between being a bad boy and being a clown. I think if you don't actually make it [to Omaha], then you're a clown. Yeah.

Bill Belichick would win a PLL title within three seasons if he coached

I feel like [Bill Belichick] would win in the first three seasons of coaching [in the PLL], if not sooner. I mean, I don't think he really coaches football. He just coaches human beings... I think he understands the nuance of sports and blueprint of winning better than anyone... you listen to Bill Belichick coach you on lacrosse and you're bought in.

Dell Curry bringing Steven Johnson's ex-wife to the game was a purely spite-driven move

But then on Friday at the Celtics game, Dell was there with Steven Johnson's ex-wife. And he's dating her. He brought her to the game. So clearly he was... that was just purely out of spite by Dell. Like just straight up, just an absolute spite move.

Jayson Tatum did not have a good game in Game 3

Jayson Tatum once again did not have that good of a game. He played very good, but he's not giving MVP.

I'm actually into watching the LIV Golf tour

I mean, if a fan, like I'm watching it... it's entertaining. I can't, I'm not gonna sit here and say, it's not.

The new iMessage 'undo send' feature will empower gaslighters

The iMessage app in iOS 16 is getting a new undo send feature as well as the ability to edit chats. You've already sent in. Mark threads is unread. So rip to all the young people out there who are going to be getting gaslighted or say, like, I never said that.

Mayonnaise is undeniably a top 3 condiment

Undeniably a top three condiment. So versatile. And I it's just people against big Mayo, but I'm going to stand behind the movement and stay strong with my position on the subject. We've made sure to kind of find a plan that allows me to have Mayo in my diet as frequently as I can.

The person who wakes up earliest should sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door

The answer should always be that the person that has to wake up first in the morning, they sleep closer to the door. So you don't have to like walk around the other person.

Professional darts is a better spectator sport than Lacrosse

[Darts] might be ahead of lacrosse as the sport of the future. ... I don't think there's any event that's happened that this usher has seen 54 people come in at one time... It exceeded my expectations. Like it was, it was a great time. It was a good viewing experience.

Aaron Rodgers is absolutely miserable to be around

I did have multiple tweets from unbiased people saying that Aaron Rodgers is absolutely miserable to be around because he, he was the least talking above the group. He was surly. He was Aaron Rodgers... Aaron Rodgers is just, he just went for a paycheck, fucking shark.

Everyone should hate their fantasy sports commissioner

I contend like everyone should hate their commissioner. That's the role of the commissioner. So I think that like Mike trout, if he's the commissioner he had to know this day was coming, that he was gonna get shit on for not running a tighter ship.

Milwaukee would have won the East and reached the Finals if Khris Middleton was healthy

I think that Milwaukee was the best team this year. If they would have had Middleton, they'd be in final right now.

If Steph Curry wins Finals MVP, he is a better basketball player than LeBron James

If Steph Curry wins an NBA finals MVP this year, I'm ready to be the first person to [say] that he's better than LeBron James purely at basketball.

Sneezing in public is one of the most taboo and awkward things you can do

Sneezing in public has gotta be like the most awkward... oh it's so taboo now. And it always was taboo with it's really when you're driving, I think it's super dangerous... But there's nothing you can do. Like you can try to hold it in. But when you have allergies... there's nothing.

Jimmy Butler took the right shot at the end of Game 7

I saw some people being like, that's a bad shot. It's like, dude one, it it's wide open. You know, it's a wide open shot... I want him taking that shot. I have no pro—like I would like to go down swinging like that. If you're a heat fan being like Jimmy Butler, taking that shot, who cares about, you know, whether he's a good three point shooter or not, he just, I want him taking that shot.

The Heat would have won the series in 5 or 6 games if Jimmy Butler had any help

He's the only reason the series got to seven. He got drill help—if he got any help, the heat win the series in five or six.

The world ended in 2016 and we are currently in an afterlife simulation

There's a theory out there that the world ended in 2016. When that [Large Hadron Collider] opened up a massive black hole on earth and everything got sucked into it. And so everything you've experienced since then has been your particular version of heaven or hell, depending on if you were good or not prior to 2016.

Podcasting is the biggest scam of all time

I honestly think podcasting is. I mean, we're really pulling the biggest scam of all time over on people. This is complete bullshit. You know what I mean? Like, and, but it takes no effort. If you happen to know how to fucking talk, you just fucking waltz into an easy, like, we kind of all hit a lottery here.

Giannis Antetokounmpo is the best player in the NBA

Lately my best player in the NBA, best player in the NBA, works hard as fuck. Truly like he's younger than me, but an inspiration to me... Mr. Antetokounmpo, is there anything I can do for like truly a hero of mine?

The Celtics' 2022 Finals run has a 'Middleton Asterisk'

Boston's bitch ass. Getting lucky with middle the middle. What? I'm calling the Middleton asterisk, which I will not allow them to enjoy this championship. Should it happen? And it won't.

Sean McVay is too much show and not enough go when it comes to sex

He seems like a little, like a too much show. Not enough. Correct. When it comes to fucking. Well he's he's got like, he likes to take his shirt off and do a dance. Like, you know, like Patrick Peyton watch himself.

A pro athlete who slaps another man over fantasy football needs to chill out

If you're a professional athlete. If you're, if you're playing for so much money that you have to slap another man, maybe take a step back and be like, this might not be for me.

The NHL is currently much better than the NBA

Basically what we can take away from these hockey playoffs is that NHL is way better than the NBA right now. The hockey games have been incredible.

One-on-one basketball is the true, pure essence of the sport

One-on-one is the true essence of basketball. There's one-on-one and five on five, true matchups, but one-on-ones the true pure essence of basketball. I mean, we all grew up playing one-on-one.

Kyrie Irving would be tough for LeBron James to guard one-on-one even in LeBron's prime

Kyrie [Irving] will be tough for LeBron [James] to even guard in his prime. Right. We haven't really seen Kyrie skillset. We've seen snippets, but it's hard to really, really display your ultimate skillset in a five-on-five setting. One-on-one Kyrie... you could probably see things that you never seen before.

Dwight Howard is the most disrespectful omission from the NBA Top 75 list

I don't take away from anybody that was on that list... but Dwight Howard to me is really the most disrespectful one [omission]. His prime years was phenomenal. Like he was the most dominant big in our game in his prime years.

If Grant Hill had stayed healthy, we would have created a dynasty in Orlando

If Grant Hill was healthy... I make it to the NBA finals with the Orlando Magic. We would have created a dynasty for sure.

Robert Williams is the most important defender on the Celtics

100%. If Robert Williams was healthy all year, he would have been the defensive player [of the year].

Dipping Oreos in water is better than dipping them in milk

I brought forward to the world, the art of dipping your Oreos and water, essentially washing them taste delicious, better than milk.

The best career move for a backup QB is to have one great game and then immediately get injured

When you're a backup quarterback in the NFL, the best thing you can do is have an awesome game and then immediately get injured and secure your like status as an NFL quarterback for 10 years.

Stubbornness about position changes often ruins football players' careers

I think some guys stubbornness not to change positions, cost some, a future. And you know, your body is going to change from being in high school to college.

Real 'football guys' must play on grass at some point in their development

Absolutely. At some point you have [to play on grass]... the camera has to go and you've got to have a grass sticking out of your [facemask].