Takes

Sports would be better if we got rid of replay entirely

What if we just got rid of replay in every sport? I feel like we've gone so far in the direction of getting it right to the point where we're getting it wrong... I enjoy sports more when we're not taking all these positives... What if we just stopped reviewing everything in the NFL?

The Montreal Canadiens are officially America's team

I think the Canadiens are now officially America's team. It feels like it's coming home. Is it coming home? It's coming home. It's coming home for the Canadiens.

James Conrad's disc golf shot is the most clutch play in the history of any sport

I actually think that this is the most clutch play ever in the history of any sport. Name me a better shot than this... That shot was awesome.

Fast and Furious is the best movie franchise to watch while stoned

I don't think that there's a franchise of movies that's better to watch stoned in your entirety than Fast and the Furious.

Damian Lillard would not play well with LeBron James

I actually don't think that he [Lillard] would play well with LeBron. I mean, they would just win a title. But it wouldn't be fun for me to watch personally. No, it wouldn't be fun for anyone.

Ben Simmons does not love basketball

I do think Ben Simmons is probably one of those guys who falls in the camp of he's really good at basketball but probably doesn't love basketball. Because you can't love basketball and just never fix the fact that you can't shoot. Right?

Scottie Pippen is not clearly a top 25 NBA player of all time

I'm just still going through my head right now because it feels like Scottie Pippen is not clearly a top 25 NBA player of all time. And I'm doing names. Are you willing to stand by that take? I had a poster when I was a kid... And Scottie Pippen was like controversially on the list of top 50.

DeMarcus Cousins' push on Devin Booker should have been a flagrant foul

Yeah, so that [DeMarcus Cousins pushing Devin Booker] should have been called, that should have been like a flagrant foul, right?

Skip Bayless has an investigative team searching athletes' wives' Instagram followers

There's very clearly a person behind the scenes working for Skip Bayless that has Skip Bayless's brain and does all the things online. ... and he just feeds Skip Bayless crap all day, and it just ends up on TV. Like his little private investigator for him.

AEW exists because WCW vacated the prime TNT/TBS television slot

AEW exists, in my opinion, because of the failure of WCW because they vacated this great time slot, this great relationship with TNT and TBS that we have. And that was the success of WCW was the outlet, the penetration they had from TNT, TBS, and, of course, the fans.

WCW failed because they gave creative control to wrestlers

I think some of the things that went wrong for WCW, in my opinion, were the creative control. They gave creative control to a lot of the wrestlers. And some of the storylines are asinine. ... Most wrestling companies that have been really successful over time have had, like, one supreme commander at the top who's, like, owned it, booked, like, done everything top to bottom.

MLB is stupid for cracking down on 'sticky stuff' in the middle of a season

My whole point is you should fix it, but don't fix it in the middle of the season only after it becomes public because you feel like a fool for letting it go on and having it be an open secret for so long. ... Just because they got exposed, they're going to swing the pendulum of justice so hard. ... It's so stupid.

The hardest part about playing tight end is having to be an elite blocker and an elite receiver simultaneously.

You have to be an elite route runner. You can catch the ball really well... but then if you can't, like, hold your own in the run game and you can't, like, take in – hit in the face by a 300-pound defensive end, then, like, you kind of have – they kind of have to, like, call plays around you instead of, like, you being able to be the focal point.

Kevin Durant gained respect and status from this playoff run despite losing.

Weirdly I think Kevin Durant like gained from this. Oh yeah. I mean the shot at the end of regulation was huge and just the way this... Harden going down, Kyrie going down... 48 points where he just was so incredible... I think people appreciate Kevin Durant more than they ever have, watching him play without other players and being as incredible as he is.

Bryson DeChambeau is a mentally weak golfer and a quitter.

We call him a lot of stuff, but we've never called him a quitter until today. And he quit when his giant cleats didn't save him... At that point, Bryson was like, I don't want to be out here anymore. And he quit. He is a mentally weak golfer.

F1 cars are too soft and need to be louder.

I think the cars are too loud. [Wait, no] make them a little bit softer or make them just really fucking loud... the cars are too soft. They're basically racing toy cars. It's the pussification of America, of Europe.

Triple plays should replace no-hitters because they are cooler.

Triple plays should replace no-hitters because they're cooler than no-hitters.

Reggie Miller was right about resting Kevin Durant and James Harden in Game 6

Reggie Miller was right. If you forgot, Reggie Miller basically said after game five, rest Kevin Durant, James Harden for game seven. Don't even play them. They played. They lost.

Bryson DeChambeau is a 'pussy' for refusing to play with Brooks Koepka

Bryson sucks today. Brooks is awesome. Bryson sucks. Brooks was tied for the lead. And then because Bryson didn't want to play with Brooks because he's too big of a pussy to do it, he had to play with a harder course in the afternoon, which basically skulls fucked him.

The Hawks might have been right for choosing Trae Young over Luka Doncic

We're seeing now, were the Hawks right for taking Trae Young and not Luka Doncic? Maybe. So there you go. That's really when you know that you got a good one, when we're doing the revisionist history.

Ben Simmons should shoot more in the 4th quarter, even if he misses everything

I actually think if I were Ben Simmons, strategy going into game six, I would just shoot all the time in the fourth quarter. Because I really do believe if Ben Simmons went one for seven in the fourth quarter, it would be better than shooting one time in the last four games in the fourth quarter. That's basically giving up.

I could beat up a kangaroo in a fight

Do you think I could fight a kangaroo and beat him up? stand up for me I'm like I'm six two big boy two 40 50 whatever i also can crush wind pipes pretty easily yeah.

LeBron James is not a great dunker because he doesn't hang on the rim

This is why LeBron James is not a great dunker, in my opinion. You have to hang on to the rim for just like a split second. You've got to make the rim move... Sometimes he acts like the rim is like a hot oven rack. He just taps it and pulls his hand away.

Nikola Jokic's ejection in Game 4 was total bullshit

The Jokic ejection was bullshit. It was bullshit. Having that be an ejection was so, so stupid. I don't know if that changes the game... but yes, ejecting the reigning MVP, that's going to have an effect on it.

The Brooklyn Nets are still the best team in the NBA when at full strength

Obviously the Nets at full strength are probably the best team in the NBA and better than the Bucks. But at some point you do have to admit that Kyrie Irving, James Harden, those guys do get injured.

Jeffrey Toobin should own his scandal and become 'the jack off guy'

He should have been like, 'Hey guys, listen, I'm a guy. I jerk off.' You know what? You should trust me more because I'm just a regular guy who jerks off and guess what? This is my pledge to you. I will not do it in front of any more cameras. Lean into it. You have to own it at this point. Just become the jack off guy.

Anthony Rizzo's home run made everyone forget about his vaccination status

Anthony Rizzo was under fire on Friday because he didn't get vaccinated. But then he had like one of those 16-pitch at-bats where he had a home run... pretty much all is forgiven. And nobody's going to bring up the vaccination stuff after an at-bat like that.

I invented the wrap sandwich in 1981

A couple of the really school reporters up there decided that they'd get their friends at the Wall Street Journal to do a national search to find out who had a wrap sandwich on the menu before 1981. And guess what? They couldn't find anyone. And they said I invented the wrap.

I saw a UFO above Shea Stadium and another over the Colorado River

I saw a UFO once... I believe you. I saw one during a press conference. Yeah, and we stopped at Chase [Shea] Stadium. Everyone looked, everyone pointed. I said to the press, 'Did you see that?'... I think there's stuff up there.

Wide receivers wearing single-digit jersey numbers is wrong

Julio Jones, he's wearing number two in Tennessee. I'm still not comfortable on a personal level with wide receivers wearing single digits. It's going to fuck my brain up... Number two is a bad kicker or a slow quarterback.

The 2017 Warriors were better than the 2021 Nets because of defense

I don't think so. Those Warriors teams... were defensive juggernauts and offensive juggernauts. I'll take pre-injury KD over post-injury KD... and I'll take Steph over Harden by a narrow margin.

The Nets could win the title if every starter had to score the exact same amount of points every game

I really think they could do it... they're all running plays for Joe Harris in the third quarter. I think they could probably do that. That's how good they are.

Car dealerships are all bullshit and haven't changed in years

The car dealerships have never changed. They advertise what they do, but it's all bullshit... I really believe if I went into one of these dealerships, not so much that I could sell cars, but I could show them what the fuck is wrong with what you're doing.

In the future, the 2021 MVP will be a difficult trivia question

He's going to be a trivia question down the line. I'm telling the audience right now, there will come a time in your life when you are asked who the 2020-2021 MVP was. And you're going to need to remember this moment when I'm telling you that it's Jokic because it will win you money.

I have no problem with bandwagon fans

I know we don't like bandwagon fans. Actually, I have no problem with bandwagon fans. I always thought it was so stupid to be like, more people are buying this stuff and the city is more electric. It's actually awesome. It's like movies. Everyone's getting pumped about it.

The Nets could beat almost any team if all five starters had to score the exact same amount of points

How many teams do you think that the Nets could beat in a seven-game series if... All five of their starters had to score the exact same amount of points... It's like everyone has to score exactly 14 points. [With Harden healthy], I think they could beat almost everyone.

Kevin Durant is the most 'regular' superstar of all time in the NBA

I also think he's... the most regular superstar of all time in the NBA. He's as close as you can get to normal. He's just like a regular dude, and he thinks like a regular person would, realizes this absurd situation that he's in where hundreds of millions of people have opinions about him who he will never meet in his life. And he's better at basketball than all of them.

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

I am officially counting LeBron James out

So, well, let's just do a quick straw poll. Are you counting [LeBron] out? ... I want to count him out. Yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to count him out.

The Titans' Music City Miracle was definitely a forward pass

I was standing there on the sideline, you know, right across from where they were making the play, where he was throwing the ball forward. So I still thought when they scored, I thought they, you know, they're going to call it back... threw it from behind the line and the guy caught it in front of a line. So I don't see how it couldn't have been forward.

Gerrit Cole should have just lied about using Spider Tack

Garrett Cole, here's a little PR I want to run for you. It's called lying. You just have to lie. And if you just lie, what will happen is people will print your lie. And then people will read that and be like, oh, Garrett Cole doesn't use spider tack. And then the story's over.

Kyrie Irving has the most desirable game of any NBA player

I think Kyrie Irving has the number one. If you could pick which game you could have, if you're any NBA player, you'd pick Kyrie Irving. Because his handles are incredible. His finishing at the rim... he's just so goddamn good.

Kyrie Irving would win an NBA-wide one-on-one tournament

I think that if there was, like, a bracket one-on-one tournament in the NBA, I think that Kyrie would probably win.

Mike Vrabel builds teams based solely on player girth and size

I think I've figured out what Mike Vrabel's strategy is here... He's just trying to get the biggest dudes that he can possibly get his hands on. I think that he has the biggest starting 11, just mass-wise. He is Billy Football as a coach. He just wants pounds. And Julio Jones is a massive dude.

The NBA is a 'sick league' where stars care more about movies than winning

The best player in the world [LeBron James] is walking off the court with 15 minutes left in the game like an asshole. And nobody says a word to him. And then he talks about his fucking cartoon movie after the game. Imagine being on that team. You just lost after being champions and talking about the Monstars.

LeBron James will never be 100% healthy again

He's old. He's 36. He's not as dominant as he used to be. He's never going to be 100% again. He said it himself.

LeBron James quit on his team in Game 5

So game five, he quit on his team. I mean, I don't know how you could see it otherwise. He left the game with five minutes and 40 feet, left the bench.

Repeating as champion is the hardest thing to do in sports

LeBron has done it once. Hardest thing to do in sports is repeat, right?

Coach K is retiring because he doesn't want to deal with the NIL era

Maybe it was because recruiting, recruiting. Maybe it was because they got a new athletic director... maybe because the likeness, you know, the players actually get paid. So paying them under the table isn't going to have the same effect.

The NHL should suspend players for dirty hits but allow them back for one 'grudge' game

I think they should do this more often... suspend him for enough games where he can come back and then everyone can tune in to watch him have fights all night. I think the rule should be if you get suspended for a dirty hit in the playoffs, you should be forced to start the next game, skate one shift, and then after that point, your suspension begins.