Takes

Coach O is the alpha in a room full of SEC West coaches

In coaching especially that you got national championship coaches... I would say Coach O probably would win in the end... he would probably bring his own 600 pounds of crawfish to the table too.

Kickers are struggling because NFL stadiums are too quiet without fans

No adversity. There's no dynamic. There's no, you know, you need a dynamic environment to excel... You should feel alive and not like you're a mouse in a laboratory.

Matt Rhule has 'dumb face'

Does Matt Rhule have dumb face? His glasses are too big. That's the thing. He has glasses of someone who's 60 pounds heavier than he is... I'm starting to think he's got dumb face.

Bronny James Jr. is better at smoking weed than I am

I would say I would say something like that. Yeah, smoking the nuggets pack. He's better at smoking weed than I am. Oh, he's what, 16 years old? He's great at smoking.

Always Sunny at its peak goes toe-to-toe with any show ever

I would say it's definitely top three funniest shows of the last 15 years always sunny at his Peak goes toe-to-toe with any show or greed ever.

The 'Bigger Than Ben' documentary is better and more timely than HBO's Hard Knocks

Summer Ben Roethlisberger being able to update in faster time than Hard Knocks is really an indictment of HBO Sports. Yes, that place is really falling down hill, huh?

Paul George is a third piece at best on a championship team

I'm doing playoff P your you're not a second dude, you're you're a third piece. I you're a third piece at best.

Bam Adebayo's block on Jayson Tatum was better than LeBron James' chase-down blocks

Definitely better than the chase Downs by LeBron. Those are just brought. Those are just be LeBron being lazy and like waiting for his moment. This is actually an impressive block it really it's more the Celtics part 14 in the fourth quarter

This is the 'make or break' season for Derek Carr

This is it for Derek Carr. This is it. This is the best situation because you know how we oftentimes do it with quarterbacks... if you could have everything right? I feel like this is just about as right as you can get.

Tesla for Tables: A self-leveling table technology

Tesla for tables... the table itself feels the surface around it and then adjusts so that there's never any wobble... every restaurant I go to has a set of wobbly table. All those tables wobble.

The NBA rigged Game 6 for the Raptors over the Celtics to get a Game 7 for ratings

I'm feeling nervous. I'm not gonna lie. Game 6 was clearly like the NBA and I understand where the NBA is coming from where they need the best ratings we could possibly get. If we could tell the refs, just call everything against the Celtics so we can get a game 7 for ratings. I understand it. It was clearly the post-game report admitted everything that happened on the stretch that was supposed to get called against the Celtics didn't.

Skateboarding was the 90s version of modern Twitch streamers

Twitch streamers are like the 2020 version of skateboarders when I was coming up. Mostly people following your passion and doing something they're good at and finally getting an audience for it. I never imagined I'd be making money at it, and I applaud those guys.

I love Joe West because he thinks he is bigger than baseball

If you can't find the humor in Joe West stopping the game, telephoning up and kicking the GM from the suite out of the game, you got a fucking dump in your pants. ... I'm in favor of Joe West doing whatever the fuck he wants. In fact, I think Joe West has got a little soft in his old age. ... I would like to see more Joe West involved in these games.

James Harden stinks in Game 7s.

James Harden stinks in the game 7. All is right in the world... I think I can still throw out some James Harden [slander]... and he does look fat, he does look out of shape.

Kirk Cousins would win the Super Bowl if he played for the 49ers.

Kirk Cousins on the Niners would win the Super Bowl. Yeah. He's better than Garoppolo.

James Harden will never get in shape

Will James Harden ever get in shape? No. I mean he's late to the bubble. I want to saying because he was out of shape... he does that like he'll do it in a game. He'll drive really hard to the hoop. And then the next like three plays [be like] I'm not running up and down.

Every generation of SNL fans thinks the current cast sucks compared to the original stars

I also remember think everybody saying we suck, right guys? You're not as good as the First cast and I was like, I know... but I said, I think we're okay. I think you know for our generation of kids growing up watching us, we're going to be their Chevy Chase and Bill Murray.

You only need 20 minutes of great comedy material to become a star in Los Angeles

Jay Leno said many years ago to me, all you need is 20 minutes to become a star in LA. Everybody says how much time you got, everybody says I got two hours. Who wants to listen to two hours of comedy material? If you have 20 minutes and if you have five minutes that kills every time, you can be a star.

Deuce Bigalow did not ruin America

I wouldn't say America's fucked because of that. I wouldn't describe it that way.

Mystery teams in MLB trade rumors are never actually real

I don't think these mystery teams ever real. Swooping in last-second franchise mode... I guess the mystery team is now the front-runner.

The Jaguars' defensive window closed because they got rid of Blake Bortles

The real story is you have to score points in this league if you want to compete in AFC Championship game and they got rid of the quarterback... everyone was talking about how [the Jaguars] now have two starters left from that 2017 game... none of them mentioned that Blake Bortles also gone.

Kim Jong-un faked his coma to test the loyalty of his inner circle

Kim Jong-un is back from the coma... His sister has now disappeared. So I think that he did a little switch to make sure to see who's loyal to him.

Using leverage to protest for change is the most American thing you can do

I'll always support the right to protest in this country. Being able to use your leverage and power to protest to try to enact change is kind of the most American thing you can do in my mind personally. It's why this country so great is that you have the ability to say, I don't agree with something, I want to change something.

The 'Bigger Than Ben' documentary is just a love letter to Roethlisberger's own pain tolerance

It was a love story to his wife, to his own pain tolerance, I would say. And then also I didn't understand the beginning when he was talking about all the haters and it's like who is really hating Ben? ... It was essentially the 'hey we need to remind everyone that Ben's the toughest' quote.

The Jazz and the Nuggets are the exact same team

I have to admit fully. I think the Jazz and the Nuggets are the exact same team. Both altitude, kind of similar colors. Like if you tell me Jazz nuggets, nuggets Jazz, I'm just like yeah, those are all the same guys. Like if you use lists the names and like you could tell me Donovan Mitchell's on the Nuggets. Neither of them are winning the championship, right? Correct.

Every NBA lottery team should have the exact same odds to win

He [Mike Greenberg] thinks that every team in the lottery should have the exact same chance of winning the lottery. That's actually not a crazy crazy idea that's actually been talked about because it would basically take away tanking. It's the anti-tank rule. I don't hate that.

Messi is better than Ronaldo because he is better at cheating on his taxes

Messi is probably got like a billion... He's better at shooting us, he got away with cheating on taxes for longer than Ronaldo did. Rinaldo you bitch. Messy has one, two, three, four, five, six golden boots. Count the booties.

Evanston is the greatest home field advantage at 11:00 AM in sports

I have a long-standing belief that it is truly the greatest Home Advantage in all football... you bet Northwestern 11:00 a.m. because there's teams... who played in bigger crowds than the 11:00 a.m. Northwestern. You catch teams on sleepwalking.

Holding a baby is the perfect cover for committing a crime

I think I need to get into a life of crime using my son as like pretty much... a prop... The guy looked at me and he was like 'this guy... is a dad he can't steal.'

No one in the NBA can stop Luka Doncic

Luca is incredible Lucas so fucking good... I just don't think there's anyone could stop Luca. That's how good he is.

LeBron James and Dwight Howard are real Lakers because they wear the uniform

I don't know about that. Finally puts the Jersey on and wins a championship. That's all we care about... here's the way I look at it is we put the uniform on your liquor in my book.

It is not remarkable how little Billy Football actually does for the show

What made you what I don't like. I thought we can't answer probably is not remarkable how little we ask you to do and how little you actually do towards those girls.

George Kittle is the best tight end in the NFL

George Kittle... signs a 75 million dollar contract... I'm going to say he's the best tight end in the game. He's the best tied in the game and he has played in the NFL for three years and he has made less than 2 million dollars total.

Sean McVay scripted his shirtless scenes and dog tricks for Hard Knocks

Sean McVay took his shirt off which you know that he's been planning the entire summer... He's like, I'm going to work out this summer. I'm going to teach the dog cool basketball tricks and the pool and the second the cameras get here. Boom.

Crutches are useless because they hurt your armpits more than your foot

I'm putting a man named... Emil Schlick in 1917. He invented the crutch and I'm saying the crutch is useless. It is my armpits are more sore than my foot.

If you don't like Nickelback, you are a sheeple

Cool throne Nickelback. If you don't like Nickelback your sheeple.

In my prime, I would have held Michael Thomas to zero catches and zero yards

Why would you even ask me something like that? ... Stat line? ... Zero catches, zero yards. Do you understand how disruptive that is to understand if you curl your route one step too far that you could possibly see me dance with six days into the next game?

College football would happen if the NCAA paid the athletes and made them employees

This is the one sport where they don't pay their athletes and if they pay their athletes, I actually think it would happen. They wish it'd basically be like, hey, do you want to get paid? Okay... the problem is the NCAA will do everything including cancel a season before they pay their athlete.

Draymond Green's $50,000 fine for recruiting Devin Booker was worth it

Draymond get fined $50,000 for saying Devin Booker needs to get out of the Phoenix on the set of TNT. Well, so people are saying that there shouldn't be these tampering laws anymore like $50,000 of Draymond Green is absolutely nothing. It's actually probably worth it In terms of just like the message that he was sending to Booker at that point.

The genius of Jackass is its wholesomeness and lack of mean-spiritedness toward third parties

There's also finally something I believe actually pretty wholesome about the fact that and there's nothing mean-spirited and what we're doing... we're Reckless or we do terrible things to ourselves and to each other, but we're never cruel to third parties or to anybody else. So, you know, It's weird to say Jackass is wholesome but I think it does apply.

I didn't need drugs or alcohol to do stunts because I am just a sober attention whore

I just learned that you take away the drugs and the alcohol from the waste an attention whore and then you get a sober attention whore and that's like really that's all there is to it. I never took painkillers for pain and I never did stunts because I was loaded. I just am an attention whore.

There are more teams 'nobody wants to play' in the NBA playoffs this year than ever before

Right now off the top my head. There are more teams that nobody wants to play in the playoffs in the NBA at this point than there have ever been... No one wants to play Toronto in the playoffs. No one wants to play the Heat in the playoffs. No one wants to play Oklahoma City... No one wants to play the Rockets.

Kobe Bryant had the most 'rockstar quality' and charisma of any athlete

Kobe was a rockstar. Like I've never really been around anyone like that... it was like, oh yeah, we should ask for more money because this guy just had a sort of Charisma... Kobe had the sort of rock star like you used to fly... in a helicopter like it was like hanging out with Batman.

LeBron James being a genuinely good person makes him a harder athlete to hate

My thing about LeBron LeBron is... what that guy stands for what you've done... I have a big my he's a that's the thing that kills me because I like hate LeBron, but I know he's such a good guy which drives me insane that drives me insane... I want him to be like I want something like yeah, he's a real asshole.

Sachin Tendulkar is the greatest athlete on the planet in terms of cultural impact

I asked you for the biggest Alpha... and Sachin Tendulkar... In a country of over a billion people of every Faith on the planet, there's one God and it's the Master Blaster. Sachin is he's everything. He's LeBron plus Tom plus Usain Bolt times a million in terms of what he means to that country.

Tom Wilson isn't a scumbag; he's just misunderstood and people are afraid to look him in the eye

My fire Fest of the week is I have to come up with new reasons and new ways to defend Tom Wilson. No, he's not scumbag... I need a workshop a few ways. People are saying that Tom Wilson's running into people's backs... I don't think that that's the case at all. The best I could come up with at this point is that people afraid of Tom Wilson they're afraid to make eye contact with him.

Devin Booker is officially 'a dude' because of how he celebrated his game-winner

I'm on board the Devin Booker train just watching his body language after he made the shot. He basically went to sleep... a person that reacts like that, that guy is a dude.

Big Ben Roethlisberger loves being the most injured person in the world

Big Ben is on my cool Throne because Big Ben no one likes to tell you how injured they are as much as Big Ben... from what I understand not three [ligaments], so he's flexing about who's three torn ligaments in his elbow.

NBA players are not amateurs and the 1930s model of amateurism is dead

To argue for amateurism Based On A system that was set up in the 1930s and 1940s prior to billion dollar TV contracts and ticket sales and Merchandising is crazy. Amateurism does not exist in high-level college basketball and high-level college football.

Reading a Twitter fight between Clay Travis and Darren Rovell is worse than a 20-year prison sentence

If you're like, hey, you have to go to prison for the next 20 years or you have to spend the next two days reading their [Clay Travis and Darren Rovell] back and forth. I choose prison. Yeah, it's like the most popular nerd verse the least popular not nerd.