Takes

LeBron James blaming his son for a poor performance is a new low

LeBron blames his son. A new low. A new low. Even for LeBron. He has gone as low as possible. He has blamed his son on his poor performance on Monday night. He said that he was a little out of rhythm because he went and watched his son play basketball in a tournament.

The NFL's new roughing the passer rules make it harder for defensive players to tackle running quarterbacks like Patrick Mahomes

I actually think that a little hot take, but the new rules with hitting quarterbacks makes it harder for defensive players to fully go at a quarterback. It felt like guys wanted to tackle him, but it also felt like if they went too hard they would get a penalty. You very rarely get a clean shot on a quarterback in the open field and they missed it.

If you are a man with a fat face, you must have high-volume hair to distract people from your cheeks

If you're a bigger guy, you need to have your hair have as much volume as possible to hide the fact that you have a fat face. When you put on a hat, it always makes your face look fatter. All the focus goes to your fat fucking cheeks. So you need to have hair, just crazy hair, to take away. Hair and beard are a fat guy's best friend.

Sign stealing is the most American thing you can do

If we hadn't stolen signs in World War II, we'd all be speaking Japanese. Sign stealing is the most American thing someone can do.

I could still run for 500 to 600 yards in a season if I played in the NFL today

Maybe I can put up, I don't know, 500, 600 yards, something like that for the season... at 50, I feel like I could run maybe a 4.5, 4.6 [40-yard dash], right?

Ezekiel Elliott is the hardest running back in the NFL to tackle

For the running back position, I'd say Zeke. He runs behind his pads well, so I give it to Zeke.

I can take Quenton Nelson in a fight

[Big Cat]: You versus Quenton Nelson. Who wins in a fight? [Darius Leonard]: In a fight? I'm with me. Yes. I'm a competitor... Yeah, I can take him. It's not the size of the dog that's in the fight, but the size of the fight that's in the dog.

I can outkick Jay Feeley

Could PFT outkick Jay Feeley now if they were both wearing suits and reporting on the sideline and immediately got called in to start kicking field goals? Definitely. Jay Feeley's a fucking loser. He needs his two little weird gloves to be able to kick. I don't need that shit... I kicked Raw Dog. No glove, no love. I absolutely would [fuck him up]. And consider that a challenge.

Clemson should have the nickname 'Tigers' revoked

Clemson, I think that we should revoke the nickname Tigers from them. Yes. They're no longer the Tigers. They got out Tigard. I think that I'm going to pick up the trash can a second we should call them the Elder Oaks... right now LSU is the official Tigers.

College football broadcasts make every coach look like they are going bald, except Ed Orgeron

Whatever camera angles and Camera filters or whatever they use to focus on coaches on the sidelines. They can take a coach that is probably not losing their hair and make it look like that coach is balding. Every coach looks balding on college football broadcasts. Coach Orgeron, his hair overpowered that.

Smashing televisions should be a top responsibility for a baseball manager

My favorite part of the story is that AJ Hinch not once but twice smash the TVs that Alex Cora was using to help cheat... I don't know what your job duties are as a manager, but I'm pretty sure that smashing televisions should be pretty high up on that list.

Kirk Cousins was not the main reason the Vikings lost to the 49ers

I'm not going to sit here and do the lazy Kirk Cousins stinks, he can never win a big game. He wasn't good, but his offensive line was worse, and I'm not going to put all the blame on Kirk Cousins. To me, this game was way more about the Niners' defense than Kirk Cousins screwing up royally.

Lamar Jackson might simply not be able to get it done in the playoffs

He just might not be able to get it done in the playoffs. Peyton Manning, another MVP caliber quarterback, couldn't get it done in the playoffs [early on]. It might not just be like that he has weaknesses in his game. He's clearly the MVP. He just might not be able to get it done in the playoffs.

Josh McDaniels staying in New England is a beta move

Josh McDaniels is back in New England... He brought his wife with him to his interview. Kind of a beta move... Apparently, they went out for lunch at some country club with Haslam... and it was a guys-only place. So his wife had to go out to lunch [elsewhere].

I would take Trevor Lawrence over Joe Burrow right now

I'm getting killed also, too, because I would take Trevor Lawrence over Burrow. What he showed in that Fiesta Bowl, the amount of times he got hit... the Clemson has the goods.

Mike McCarthy only winning one Super Bowl with Aaron Rodgers makes him just an okay coach

If you asked any Packer fan, though, and let's just say that Aaron Rodgers is not going to win another Super Bowl, the fact that Mike McCarthy had Aaron Rodgers that type of talent and they only won one is an okay coach.

There is a Blake of the Year curse

So it's time to ask, is there a Blake of the Year curse? You've got Griffin [surgery]. Bortles got traded. He moved teams... and went bald.

Stephen A. Smith will be extra spicy because of his apple cider vinegar cleanse

Stephen A. Smith just announced that he's going on a seven-day apple cider vinegar cleanse... He's going to be on a First Take just with a mouth tasting like all kinds of soy sauce... and he's going to have an empty belly. He's going to be sweating... a hungry dog runs faster.

College bowl games are boring and pointless

Good riddance. Bowls are boring. What's the point?

Men turn uglier and uglier as they get older

As you get older, men turn uglier and uglier... George Clooney and Brad Pitt, those guys are flukes. That was like a mistake. I would say that most guys are disgusting, right? It's just a known fact.

The 2020 Wild Card weekend was the most thrilling one in history

That was an insane, insane wild card weekend. Probably, I wouldn't say the best wild card weekend because I honestly just can't remember all the wild card weekends off the top of my head. But it was probably the most thrilling.

Josh Allen is like Brett Favre with ADD

He was playing like a little kid just hopped up on sugar, just running around, making plays. He was like Brett Favre if Brett Favre had ADD.

I would rather have a bad quarterback than draft Tua Tagovailoa

I don't want to deal with the bullshit media for like a year being like Tua and Tua and Tua. ... I'd rather have a bad quarterback than a good quarterback. ... A Big Ten, some Big Ten, or like random MAC quarterback.

The Saints would have won if they kept Taysom Hill on the field

But if Taysom Hill stays out there, they win that game. ... Taysom Hill was electric. He was the best player on the field.

Jadeveon Clowney's hit on Carson Wentz was assault

Jadavion Clowney with the cheapest hit on Carson Wentz concusses him. ... Anyone who's calling Carson Wentz injury prone off of that is fucking bullshit because Jadavion Clowney assaulted him.

Derrick Henry would rush for 400 yards in an NFL game if given 57 carries

If he played the worst team in the NFL, he could probably get, if he ran him 57 times, he could probably get 400 yards.

Gus Johnson is not a good football announcer

I just firing off some takes that I've been sitting on and I got ratioed because I don't think Gus Johnson is a good football announcer. Okay. And people got mad.

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk. I think. Oh, no doubt. No doubt.

I would be much more successful in today's NFL spread offenses

I'm a little jealous of what's going on right now with the spread offenses. It makes it a lot easier for a smaller guy to be successful in run the quarterback draw... we were running RPOs [in Canada] in '94, '93.

Russell Wilson is the best quarterback to have with the ball at the end of a game

In terms of quarterbacks I want to have the ball at the end of the game, [Russell Wilson] is my number one. Yeah, he's my number one, even though they didn't score there, he's still my number one because he did everything to get them to score.

Jameis Winston's entertainment value to the NFL is worth over $30 million a year

I actually think that as far as entertainment value goes [Jameis Winston's] worth for the NFL is worth well over 30 million dollars. Yes because of what he delivers to the fans if he doesn't get 30 million, I will pitch in I will help Jamis get up there to that point because he's worth every penny.

Kevin Harlan is the best play-by-play announcer in all sports

Kevin Harlan I actually was thinking about this because he... honestly might be my favorite play-by-play like all sports.

Aaron Rodgers looks miserable and doesn't seem to love playing football anymore

Does Aaron Rodgers love football? Yes. He he has the worst body language I've ever seen... deep down you have to ask yourself is something up because he looks miserable playing football. The first half he was missing wide-open guys.

Terrell Owens and Calvin Johnson were better than Larry Fitzgerald

Tio's better than Larry Fitzgerald. I'm sure someone will show me numbers. I watch both guys play I'd put Tio in there... Calvin Johnson was better than Lou Fitzgerald Calvin Johnson didn't make the top [100]. I agree with that. I think Calvin Johnson Calvin Johnson and Tio were better.

The Big 12 should be banned from the College Football Playoff for a year

I want to do right now here now say that Oklahoma deserves a one-year ban from the college football playoff... the entire Big 12 done out here band for the Big 12 out out. I can't I can't do it.

Hell is a self-imposed condition you create within yourself

Hell is what you make it within yourself. So hell is a self-imposed condition... hell is really something you create yourself. The difference between organized religion and spirituality is organized religion is built for people to be afraid of hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there.

Golf takes too long and should be reduced to 14 or 15 holes

Nobody wants to spend five and a half hours out there... Literally, I would just make it like 15 holes, 14 holes. Because then you get to go in the 19th hole a little bit quicker.

Today's wrestling has lost the spontaneity and sense of urgency of the Attitude Era

To me, it's just maybe, I'm not picking on today's product, but I just think the spontaneity is lost. Like that feeling that anything could happen is lost. And if you bring it back and create that excitement, I don't think you need to go to filling up this with that or crushing things. Sense of urgency I think is the most important part.

No matter how smart you think you are at 20 years old, you are actually an idiot

No matter how smart you think you are, you're an idiot... This is why everyone older than you hates you, because they all went through the exact same thing where it's like I got everything figured out, and then you just realize you don't. And it doesn't mean you're not smart. It doesn't mean you're not creative... [but] you can't have any of this perspective that you're going to need.

I'm the number one person in the world at finding open tables at packed bars

I think I'm number one in the world at finding open tables at packed bars or seats in general because of my figure and I don't like to stand very much... I will always find an open table.

Ben Roethlisberger is tough as hell but often exaggerates the severity of his injuries

It's a lot of injuries Seven [Roethlisberger] shouldn't have played. But he's just a tough... That's what makes Seven seven... And there's probably a lot of other injuries that... Seven, man, come on, man, stop all that BS... So you're going to have the boot on on Monday, but Tuesday you're going to be all good.

A VCU home game is more life-altering than a 10-day trip to Europe

Yeah, but you haven't been to a home game at the Siegel Center [VCU]. And I was like, this was peak Shaka [Smart]. This was Travion Graham, Briante Weber. Like, you want to do push-ups on picket fences when they put the press on. So this was kind of my subtle way after we broke up to kind of, like, send, you know, a shot across the bow.

NHL refs rely on video replay too much as a safety net, which creates inconsistency

With that sort of difficulty now that they've infused this video replay that is such a safety net for guys, they rely on it too much. It's not even they don't... a goal goes in the net and they're standing so deep in the corner. They don't even signal it. They might not even see it. You got to see everything and use the replay to verify.

Week 17 fantasy football leagues are for psychos

Hank, bring that up on the other side... how stupid people are who do week [17]... people that somehow keep their fantasy season going along until week 17. You're a psycho. You're a psycho if you do it.

Blake Bortles was the glue that held the Jaguars together

One must ask was Blake Bortles the glue that held the Jaguars together? Oh for sure. I mean, that's that's why I ran. Wanted to go to LA.

Always bet the 'Under' on bowl games played on Christmas

I always do Christmas unders. Got to go Christmas time unders although it's hot on the block right [Ben] Herbert, but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Just the first game right? No first three games.

Passer rating is the dumbest statistic of all time

Drew Brees was 29 for 30, 307 yards, four touchdowns, zero interceptions, and he was still 10 points shy of a perfect passer rating. Not good enough for me. It's the dumbest statistic of all time. Not only that, because it's dumb, but it's also someone can explain to me why it's still graded out of 158.3.

Shitting is an essential mental break during the work day

I feel like the art of going to the back, even in high school before I had a cell phone, I was still just like, let me get out of the class and go take a shit for 30 minutes. It's a mental break. So I don't even know that the cell phone thing would work as much. Like, people back in the day, before cell phones existed, were still taking long shit breaks.

Jim Boylen is the worst coach in the history of basketball

Yeah, he is the worst coach in the NBA. He might be the worst coach in the history of basketball... He called a timeout with 33 seconds left in the third quarter to stop the run... there is a timeout that's naturally [between quarters]... He's such a fucking idiot.

Analytics ruined the Cleveland Browns

You know, the analytic thing is obviously it's trending right now. We saw what it did for the Browns a few years ago. It ruined the organization because that's what they stood behind. But everybody's interested in that. And basically, analytics are all based on past, based on history.