Takes

Team Europe won the Ryder Cup because they actually like each other

I just feel like Team Europe, they like each other way more. Definitely. And it actually matters in this type of tournament... They were embracing like a guy coming back from war. It just felt like our guys... it felt contrived. I just don't think our guys care or like each other.

United States golfers do not care about the Ryder Cup as much as Team Europe does

I think that Team Europe, they really deeply, deeply care about the Ryder Cup. We don't. Our golfers want to win, but I don't think that they... this isn't the most important thing to them.

If you care about the Super Bowl halftime show, you're not a football guy

I'll say it. If you have a hot take, a really strong opinion about the Super Bowl halftime show, you're not a fucking football guy. You showed yourself. You're an anti-football pussy. You gotta watch film at halftime. You gotta figure out what to bet in the second half.

The Guardians' historic comeback to win the AL Central will embolden bad GMs to never give up on a season

The fact that [the Guardians] won the AL Central now emboldens every general manager... because when they're 15 and a half games back, they'll be like, 'We're still in this. Remember the Guardians?'

Zion Williamson looks fantastic after completing the 'Luca diet' and losing significant weight

Zion Williamson has completed the Luca diet and looks like he lost an entire Zion. He looks fantastic.

Kyler Murray is really good at a job that he hates and doesn't have fun playing football

I think [Kyler Murray] is really good at a job that he hates. And I think, I don't think he like, has fun playing football. Marvin Harrison, I think he's just, he's got the yips. He's in a weird zone and he's like not having a good time either. And he doesn't have a, a leader on the team that's actually like, trying to get him to play better. They go to the sidelines and they both just look sad.

Bryson DeChambeau is the perfect partner for alternate shot at the Ryder Cup

Bryson obviously can lean on a lot of the big driving holes and JT can lean on the great great Iron play. I think Bryson has potential to be a big, big star this week... I think he's one of those guys you want to be paired up with as opposed to not wanting to be paired up with.

An argument can be made that Jared Goff is statistically the best quarterback in the NFL since joining the Lions

If you look at Jared Goff's stats since he became a Lion, you could make the argument that statistically he's the best quarterback in the NFL... by the stats, by the numbers in terms of like yards, touchdowns, all that stuff.

I do not trust the Ravens in big games despite their talent

I do not trust the Ravens. They keep doing the things that drive me insane... these big games, I just don't trust them.

Patrick Mahomes hasn't looked the same for the last year and a half

Mahomes doesn't look... It's okay to say he gets all benefit of the doubt from what he's done in his career. But in terms of the last two Super Bowl years... he doesn't look. It's not the same. It looked three, four years ago. That's a fair statement to say.

The Niners' injury problems stem from having too many good players

Maybe the problem for the Niners is don't have so many good players. Because if you don't have that many good players and someone gets hurt, it's like, well he wasn't good anyway. They have too many good players. So the odds are one of their good players is gonna get hurt.

Dylan Raiola needs to stop mimicking Patrick Mahomes because it is getting weird

I don't understand how we have such a disconnect with everyone in the Dylan Raiola, Patrick Mahomes thing... we keep talking about it because he keeps doing it. It's weird at this point... just be a good quarterback. 'Cause you are.

The era of Dabo Swinney being elite at Clemson is over

It feels like it's over for Dabo just because of like the way he... he's in a crisis. Dabo is, I think he's reached the point now where he is, he's outwardly hostile towards Clemson fans... It's a common theme of coaches or programs not getting with the times.

Lane Kiffin's daughter's relationship with an LSU player is a 'coordinated attack' to get intel

He definitely knew. They've been dating for a while. He posted a picture of her... he's already talked to Weeks about what they're gonna run on defense.

Bill Nye and Weird Al are the two people whose cancellation would wreck my childhood

I respect Bill Nye just as a human. He would be probably top five for me in terms of if Bill Nye was canceled for being a scumbag... that would wreck my childhood. It's him and Weird Al. Those are the two big ones.

NFL teams are going to lose every time they choose to punt or kick field goals

The days of let's just take the points. Those have to be over. You are gonna lose in the NFL nowadays every time you kick the ball. A punt or a kick... You should not kick field goals that much in a game or you're gonna lose.

Jam bands are AI-proof because a robot can never replicate the human element of a live performance

A robot can definitely lay down some... but a robot, an AI can never play a sick live show... [Mistakes are] real man. It's proof that you're human.

Jalen Hurts may have taken over offensive play-calling in the second half against the Rams

I think that there's a chance that Jalen Hurts may have just taken over offensive coordinator. There was a point in the game where he got into [Kellen Moore's] face and started yelling at him... it seemed to go to the extent of we need to be more aggressive. And I think that there's a chance that the offensive play caller in the second half was Jalen Hurts.

The Rams' knuckleball kickoff strategy will soon be copied by the entire NFL

Joshua Karty, their kicker, the Rams kicker, he actually did an interview a couple weeks ago where he's admitted that he has perfected the knuckleball. So he is using a knuckleball kick... I think that this will end up happening a lot more because he's figured it out and it's a copycat league. I think more guys are gonna figure it out.

Any pass thrown behind the line of scrimmage should count as a fumble if it hits the ground

I had an idea today for a rule change. I think that any pass that's thrown behind the line of scrimmage should count as a fumble if it hits the ground... if it's going to a running back that's two yards in the backfield. If that hits the ground, treat it as a fumble. That'd be awesome.

The 'Younghoe Koo Curse' is real and will ruin the Falcons' kicking game

I am a hundred percent in on a curse that I just made up and it's got a very small sample size. But the Younghoe Koo curse. So Parker Romo went five for five on Sunday Night Football when Younghoe Koo was still on the roster. The Falcons cut him. Parker Romo goes 0 for 2. You gotta put him back on the roster. I agree. Don't even need him to kick. Just give him a job.

The Bengals should bench Jake Browning for Mike White

I don't really know what to make of the Bengals... I say hit the Mike White button. Right? That's the button that... hit the Mike White button.

The New Orleans Saints are officially no longer 'frisky'

Seahawks 44, Saints 13. I'm done with the Saints... This game was over so fast. Blink of an eye game was done... I had 'em in frisky. I no longer have 'em in frisky. They're out of frisky. Let's try to find the Saints first win.

I'm officially declaring that tits are back and the era of the 'ass boys' is over

I said, tits are back. I said, the, the ass, the the ass boys had their little run, but tits are all the way back. And people were like, bro, you're fucking 50 and you're talking about this, like, yeah. That's awesome.

Marcus Mariota is the best backup quarterback in the NFL

I think [Marcus Mariota] is probably the best backup quarterback in the NFL. He was great last year. He was awesome against the Cowboys. And this is actually... for all the talk about Jayden [Daniels] possibly being injury prone, this is the first start that he will miss.

Kyler Murray's decision to post a photo with a pitbull and a Michael Vick jersey shows a lack of judgment

If your quarterback's making, if this is the judgment of your quarterback, that's a bad song. The decision making process is lacking.

Pumpkins are useless food that only hippos and squirrels actually enjoy

I got a vendetta against everything pumpkin... nobody likes pumpkins, we're just forced to do a lot of stuff that we just forced to do as human beings... The only animal [that eats it] is the hippopotamus and squirrels.

The Commanders should bench Jaden Daniels this weekend to protect him from the FedEx Field turf

I act, I don't wanna see Jayden this weekend. Oh, I, I think we should sit him. Okay. Because I, I'm still dealing with my PTSD Post-Traumatic Snyder disorder. When Robert Griffin had a sprained knee, came back too soon, everything was bad after that... Every quarterback has gotten injured on that turf.

Teams should only celebrate clinching the division, not the Wild Card or DS

Clinching the playoffs is absolutely celebration worthy... I think when you win the wild card division series, it's like, this should be business as usual. Like we are, we're here now to win a championship. Let's focus on that.

Roddy Piper, Bret Hart, Terry Funk, Eddie Guerrero, Harley Race, and Dusty Rhodes are the all-time greats

I like to say six grandfathers instead of Mount Rushmore... Brett Hart... Roddy Piper... Terry Funk... Eddie Guerrero... Harley Race... Dusty Rhodes. Six with a bullet.

St. Louis is a terrible city with shit sports teams and paste-like pizza

St. Louis isn't great. Sports teams shit. Pizza not good. I don't even think it's cheese. I think they use like, some sort of glue or paste. It's a whole, whole entire city of people sitting under an arch eating paste.

AJ Lee is the only free agent in pro wrestling who could top my return to WWE

If you look at the field of eligible free agents in pro wrestling, there's only one that could top what I did. And it was [AJ Lee]. It took a while to massage some things out and get it done, but to me, Wrestlepalooza is the celebration of wrestling.

Brandon Aubrey could be a first or second-round draft pick if re-drafted

If he entered the NFL draft next year, if somehow he got reclassified back and he wasn't in the NFL and was eligible to be drafted, there would be a team that would take him in the second round. I'm saying he is so much better than any other kicker in the NFL.

The Steelers are better when they have a shitty quarterback

I think the Steelers are better when they have a shitty quarterback... I think that they're better when their defense knows that they have to be like impregnable.

The Houston Texans are the only Owen-two team with legitimate Super Bowl aspirations

I was looking at the Owen two teams and the only argument for a team that had legitimate Super Bowl aspirations would be the Houston Texans. Every other team that is Owen two was a dog shit team.

The Falcons signed Kirk Cousins as a smoke screen to draft Michael Penix Jr.

I think that the Falcons when they, they probably signed Kirk Cousins and said, Hey, this is a smoke screen. No one's gonna think that we're gonna draft Michael Penix. So a fall to us. So let's just pay this guy a hundred million dollars. So we get our guy and it worked.

I would still take Jaden Daniels over Jordan Love long-term

I did do Barstool Sports Advisors before this game tonight and I said that Jaden Daniels is the better quarterback than Jordan Love. It was not true tonight. I still would take Jaden Daniels overall, although tonight made me nervous 'cause Jordan Love looked pretty dialed in.

Bobby Wagner is reaching the end of his career

I would be nervous a little bit about the defense because it felt like Bobby Wagner might be getting to the end of it because Tucker Craft was just eating you guys alive in the middle of the field.

I wouldn't trade Jaden Daniels for any other player in the NFL right now

I wouldn't trade, I don't think that there's a player in the NFL that I would trade for Jaden [Daniels] right now. He had a bad game. I think that's fair. I but he, he wasn't the main problem tonight.

Caleb Williams needs to take more shots and throw more interceptions

I wouldn't mind if Caleb had a couple more interceptions. We're getting to a point now where he doesn't throw interceptions and it feels like I'd like him to take some more shots. Just take a couple shots. Take like that hesitancy he talked about himself. Let it rip.

Disney adults without kids should be sent to jail

I just think there should be two lines at Disney. One for people with kids and one for people without. And the people with kids get to go in the park and the people without get to go to jail, you have to go to jail. There should be a line right into a jail cell.

I am done with acting in Hollywood movies and will focus only on stand-up and podcasting

I'm out dude. I have no business in the business. I'm out. Stand up and podcasting. I'm 42 in a month and I've had a great, I love doing Dave... but the business has changed and I have more fun doing stand-up and podcasting by far than I ever did doing that other stuff.

JJ McCarthy is basically a younger version of Tim Tebow

I've got JJ McCarthy on Tebow watch. He feels like early, early stages Tebow. Where it's like things go poorly for him, but guess what? He's gonna figure out a way to win. And he is gonna drive people insane watching because he'll be like, this guy stinks. Oh wait, this guy's actually really good.

Chris Boswell is the best kicker in football

Chris Boswell with a 60 yarder to win the game essentially... Chris Boswell is the best kicker in football right now.

Michael Penix Jr. is the greatest goal-line reacher of all time

Michael Penix Jr. is also the greatest... reacher at the goal line of all time. I mean you had the Indiana one, this one... he reaches at the goal line. He scores touchdowns in improbable ways.

Russell Wilson is officially bad

Russell Wilson looked bad. He looked very, very bad. He is bad. Yeah, he is bad. He both appeared to be bad and I know it to be true and he is also bad. And he looked it.

Stefon Diggs is too short and no longer a WR1

Stefon Diggs was nowhere to be found. He looks short. He just looked so small. He does not look like a wide receiver one. I don't know if it's the number change. I don't know if it's the uniforms... Diggs is booty.

Spencer Rattler is not a franchise quarterback

Spencer Rattler I don't think is the guy, I don't think that's crazy to say... I do think he should change his name though. I was thinking about it more. He's got one of the coolest last names ever. And he's got one of the dorkiest first names ever.

The Lions' offensive struggles are proof that Ben Johnson was the 'secret sauce' in Detroit

this is good for the Bears... Because the offense didn't look as good without Ben Johnson. Meaning that you guys [Packers] have whatever made that offense look good last year... Ben Johnson as offensive coordinator for the Lions was five and one against the Packers. The Lions without Ben Johnson, Owen won against the Packers.

Cam Ward has the 'eye test' of a franchise quarterback despite his poor debut stats

Cam Ward, if you look at his stats, you think he sucked. If you watched the game, you'd be like, there's something there... his receivers were dropping balls, his coaching was confusing at times... I'd be pumped, that Cam Ward looks like through one game, the eye test, it's there.