Takes

Magic Johnson is the face of the Lakers and the best Laker of all time over Kobe Bryant

I would still say Magic is the face of the Lakers. I think from a personality standpoint and just generationally, like Kobe was amazing what he was able to do... but I would still say Magic is the face of the Lakers.

Listening to Tim Tebow speak for years is enough to fuck up a guy's brain

What about the fact that he [Hernandez] had to listen to Tim Tebow speak for like a couple years? That's got to fuck up a guy's brain, let's just say. Maybe start figuring out where this could come from, and we'll buy into this whole CTE stuff that you're selling us.

Tom Brady never dated Ivanka Trump because her vagina is too acidic for his diet

The female vagina, the pH levels of it, 3.5 to 4.5. It's acidic like a tomato. No chance Tom Brady eats it. Like a glass of orange juice. No chance. Inflammation city if you touch that thing. Ass, I didn't know, so I checked ass. Ass is actually more pH neutral. So he could have eaten her ass.

Playmakers is the greatest television show of any generation

It was basically ballers before ballers, but it was like rated R ballers. And it was like every stereotype about the NFL just on steroids... We're watching Playmakers from start to finish. Fuck ballers. That's JV shit. We're watching Playmakers from start to finish.

Kevin Durant is an internet troll and a disturbed individual

[Kevin Durant] is an internet troll, but I think more important than that, he is a disturbed individual. And this most recent spur of activity that he's been doing from getting caught responding to himself to his apologies that he's been issuing... I've swung 360 degrees.

Kevin Durant is the best writer of anyone who tweets about the NBA

KD is actually probably the best writer of anybody that tweets about the NBA.

I am firmly anti-Tony Romo as a broadcaster because he provides too many spoilers

I'm fucking sick of everyone saying how great Tony Romo is... It's impressive that he calls plays, but I don't really want to know what's coming. It's a spoiler. He's literally doing in real time spoilers right in my face. And everyone's like, Tony Romo, such a breath of fresh air. I am firmly in the anti-Tony Romo until people just cool down a little about it.

LeBron James is the best player of our generation

LeBron to me is the best player of our generation. LeBron is the best player that I've ever played against so over my 17 years in this league. But it's weird because he is the best player I've ever played with. I played with Tim Duncan, I played with Jason Kidd... I've seen Tim do some absurd shit. Jay Kidd I got to see every day... but LeBron is the best.

Steph Curry's comments about the Cavs' locker room smelling like champagne were disrespectful

That's why Steph made those comments about, 'oh, I hope their locker room still smells like champagne.' He said that after they won the first championship and they beat Cleveland in game six. And it was kind of a shot. It's a little disrespectful to say that. I love Steph, I don't know if he meant it to be really disrespectful, but yeah, you say that, it's like, 'hey, it was a good win.'

NBA players are unfairly criticized for moving teams compared to teams trading players

Kairi [Kyrie], what Boston did to Isaiah [Thomas], you know, it's just a part of our job... and yes it personally connected and it hurts at times. But when players decide to leave in free agency, it's 'let's burn a jersey.' No, this guy we gave you... when KD decided to go and do what he wanted to do with Golden State... we aren't allowed to do it without being criticized. But team can trade the players. They can play chess with us as much as they want.

Jason Garrett is only the Cowboys coach because he never says no to Jerry Jones

I'm pretty sure that Jason Garrett is only in place because he doesn't say no to Jerry Jones. So Jerry Jones is actually calling all these plays. And Jason Garrett, he pets them after every game. He's like, 'Jimmy used to always talk back to me.'

Week 3 is the week we officially find out which NFL teams are frauds

There's a lot of frauds. And week three is who we find out. That's when we know who the frauds are.

College football is more exciting than the NFL, but it isn't 'better than' the NFL

Saying something is better than is not exactly correct in this case because, yes, college football is more exciting, but it's not better than. I mean, the guys aren't playing defense half the time. People are wide open. The windows are wide open.

America could deal with even more Giants primetime games

Permission to go there? And voice an unpopular opinion? I think that America could deal with more Giants primetime games. Love the Giants in primetime.

The discussion of Texas being 'back' means the program is officially back

Texas football, just the discussion of it being back, means it's back. Because that's what Texas football has become. It's like Texas, Notre Dame, Michigan... certain programs where if they have one good game [we ask] is Florida back? Tennessee... Miami.

Matthew McConaughey was meant to be a Californian who happened to be born in Texas

The danger in bringing Matthew McConaughey to Los Angeles is at any given time you might lose him. He might just defect... his natural state is like a caliber [Californian]... He was meant to be caliber. He was just he happened to be born on like a lot of land.

Cheating on your wife shouldn't count as cheating if you are under 5'5"

If you're under 5'5", I don't think it's cheating. Yeah, you're fulfilling your natural destiny at that point. You're just shocked that a woman pays attention to you.

Many NFL agents care more about their fees than the long-term health of their clients

I think a lot of agents, they just care about what their fee is going to be. They don't care about whether or not the guy is going to get jacked up playing for that team. All they care about is getting the maximum fee and having the maximum contract they can parade around out there.

Hewlett-Packard is a 'vile' company

The post office, I think the post office, unfortunately, you're just fighting. The stupidity of it is incredible ... Hewlett-Packard, on the other hand, is a vile company.

MeUndies needs to add an 'escape hatch' for older men to avoid the 'drip factor'

I have raised a legitimate question here. How can you not have an escape hatch for the undies? ... At my age, there was what we call a drip factor. ... You can't get Mr. Johnson out without pulling him down.

The extreme warnings on prescription drug commercials are a ridiculous example of government overreach.

You see these drug companies... Ninety percent of the ads are drug companies. The warnings... if anybody would take one of these pills, after listening to the warnings for these things, things like, you may go insane if you take these pills... it occurs to me that what that is, is really... such an example of the government run amok. The reason they have to do this is because the government is requiring [them].

Condom manufacturers should put porn on the packaging as a warning of what might happen if they are used correctly.

They should just put porn on condoms. If you buy this, chances are you might be careful. You might end up having great sex. Right.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is acceptable because 'pipes are pipes.'

First of all, my friend and Uncle Chaps would have my back on this. A hole is a hole. We all agree with that, right? ... Pipes are pipes. ... I went into the kitchen. I closed the door. And I said, 'Pete, watch the door for me. I'm going to piss real quick.' ... Just guy stuff. It's guys being dudes. ... I actually thought that this is the only place in the world that would have my back, and I feel very violated by you.

Men should not show their knees in an office setting

I actually stand with that rule because I've long said that shorts are gross. Men should not show their knees. That's fucked up. That's unbecoming.

Having an appendix is like having a 'ticking week of vacation' stored inside your body.

What do appendixes do? You just take them out. You get out of work for a week. It's a built-in excuse to just duck all responsibilities. In fact, I've got a ticking week of vacation left inside my body right now.

The 'TV-ification' of Rex Ryan is ruining what makes him a great media personality

This is the TV-ification of Rex Ryan. I don't like it at all. I don't know if he was trying to impress Beth [Mowens] up there or what the deal was, but he wasn't angry, surly, aggressive Rex. I like my Ryan Brothers stories like tall tales... better than seeing them with a suit on trying to stumble their way through a telecast.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

The 'anti-Kaepernick' protesters are the main reason for the NFL's Week 1 ratings dip

I'm going to go with the protesters who are protesting Colin Kaepernick not being in the NFL as being the biggest reason why [ratings] are down this week. And that's because the New England Patriots played in primetime on week one.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

It wouldn't be the worst thing if Jared Goff or Blake Bortles got injured after a good Week 1

I love Jared Goff and Blake Bortles. I do not want them to get injured, but it wouldn't be the worst thing if they did get injured after a really good week one. ... [Bortles] just injured his way into another $55 million contract.

Kesha's new album is the greatest album ever created

So I don't know if you guys have listened. Her [Kesha's] album came out last month, but I just caught wind of it. It is probably the greatest album that has ever been created.

I'm a Kesha guy over Taylor Swift or Katy Perry

And I want to officially go on the record when people say, are you Taylor Swift or Katy Perry guy? I'm a Kesha guy through and through.

To win a championship you need a great QB, great defense, and a reliable kicker

I've always thought this. When it comes to winning a championship, you need a great quarterback, a good defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals. Or a good quarterback, a great defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals.

I hate Ohio State

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? ... I hate Ohio State.

Brian Kelly is an asshole

First of all, Brian Kelly's a shithead. We can all agree on that. ... I think he's an asshole.

Los Angeles has always been a bad sports town

Bad sports town, you think? It's always been a bad sports town. I don't know what you want to say. It's a bunch of transplants and beautiful people that would rather be outside than watching a shitty Colts versus Rams game.

Lenny Dykstra and Lena Dunham would be the pinnacle of celebrity couples

I can't think of a better celebrity couple than Lenny Dykstra and Lena Dunham. That's it right there. That's the pinnacle.

The NFL is like Mario Kart because every game somehow comes down to the end

The NFL is like Mario Kart. Every game somehow comes down to the end. It's crazy.

NFL Sundays feel like they are hitting the air brakes when the schedule drops from eight early games to only three late games

With the postponement of the Buccaneers-Dolphins game, we now have eight games early... and three games in the 4 o'clock Eastern hour, and it just feels like you're hitting the air brakes. It just feels like you're going from, you know, 100 to school zone.

American office life is just a competition to see who can sit at their desk for the longest

Basically, office life in America is just people competing to see who can just sit at their desk for the longest.

Everyone in MLB is stealing signs, and the Red Sox cheating isn't a big deal

I mean, shit happens in MLB. Everyone's stealing signs. It's a constant back and forth of teams stealing each other's signs.

Millennials have ruined the tradition of cheating in baseball by using computers instead of 'boys will be boys' methods

Love that baseball still has the boys will be boys unwritten rule that you can cheat otherwise. Just don't use computers. Millennials have ruined cheating in baseball. That's what I'm taking out of the story.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

The Baylor football program should be past the Art Briles scandal because they 'cleaned house'

I guess I thought we were past the whole Art Briles kind of... The rape scandal, I feel like when you clean house, aren't you past, like, yeah, it's a horrible thing that happened, but they cleaned everybody out.

Bob Stoops quit on the Oklahoma football team

I don't know Bob Stoops. He left. He quit on the team.

Willson Contreras sliding into Mia Khalifa's DMs was just a man looking for a friend

He doesn't even need PR 101 because if you read the DMs, he's just looking for a friend. ... He said, 'I just want me friend.' ... So guess what? Willson Contreras, you're fine in my book.

Ass-eating season is over and toe-sucking season has returned

Ass-eating's over. I'm calling it. I think toe-sucking season's back. Toe-sucking's back in, guys.

College football teams should never actually schedule Alabama; just have your fan base chant 'we want Bama' but don't play them

Don't schedule Alabama. Just have your fan base chant, we want Bama, but don't actually play Bama... Beating the best is way overrated. As a Wisconsin fan, it's way more fun to just beat Purdue and Iowa every year and then lose to Ohio State in the Big Ten championship... [sneaking] in the back door and then have everybody say, hey, you are the best... It's actually pretty fucking awesome.

Florida's passing game has been so bad that Tim Tebow is their best passer of the last decade

The best passing quarterback that Florida has had in the last 10 years is Tim Tebow.

The Who is the greatest rock and roll band in the world and 'Quadrophenia' is the greatest album ever

The Who is my favorite band, the greatest rock and roll band in the world. Quadrophenia is the greatest album that's ever been played. Number one. Number one, nothing even near it.