Takes

Donald Trump has slept with over 3,000 women

Donald Trump is banging 15 to 20 women a week... in his 20s and 30s, he had as many women as Hugh Hefner... I put the overrun with 3,000 women. He's fucked. No issue about it. And I'd say I'd go over.

Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback

Joe Flacco... he does not stink. I think he's amazing. I put him as elite. You give him the right team, he wins the Super Bowl. He won the Super Bowl.

You should spend your money on women instead of losing it gambling

Don't be a sucker. Gambling's for losers. Do anything else besides gamble. Do anything else. Spend your money on women. Spend your money on making yourself better. Gambling's for losers. You're never going to win. Ever, ever, ever.

Hillary Clinton and her team are the worst losers of all time

It is official that Hillary [Clinton] and her little orb of weirdos that love to drone attack people and give Wall Street speeches are the worst losers of all time... They literally cannot give it up and they cannot... get it through their head that hey, maybe people just don't fucking like you.

NFL players should lose their Twitter checkmark if they get cut

They cut him before it was over, but he gets to keep the jersey picture, but I say that you should lose your checkmark. The NFL's a checkmark league.

LeBron James is the biggest dickhead to play with of all time

Basically saying LeBron James is the biggest dickhead to play with of all time. So [Kyrie] can't maximize himself in Cleveland, right?

Men should cover up their legs and never wear shorts

Hot take. The once and future king of Mount Rushmore season, shorts. Cool take. I kind of hate shorts. I think men should cover up their legs.

The quarterback position in the NFL has never been worse

It feels like the quarterback position in the NFL has never been worse in some ways, and these guys are somehow getting more money than ever.

A-Rod is attempting to transform Jennifer Lopez into himself

I think A-Rod is trying to turn J-Lo into himself. Because we all know that he loves himself... recently she's been doing a lot of workouts with him in the gym.

Being young is a performance-enhancing drug for partying

Being younger is like a PED for partying. If you meet someone who's under 25 years old, cross the street. Yes, go far away.

Matthew Stafford is the best of the 'sucky' quarterbacks

I actually always say Matt Stafford, you know my two categories of quarterbacks. It's guys who can win you a Super Bowl and then guys who suck. And Matt Stafford is the best sucky quarterback.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

Malcolm Gladwell would probably beat LeBron James in a long-distance foot race

LeBron got challenged by Malcolm Gladwell to a foot race... These fucking nerds, all they do is they go and find the biggest alpha on the block... they're like, hey, I'll challenge you to this sport that's not a sport and we'll make it really long distance so you get super tired. And I honestly can see Malcolm Gladwell winning. Nerds are always faster because they have to run from their bullies from a young age.

Joel Osteen only opened his church to hurricane victims because of social media backlash

And it wouldn't have happened [Joel Osteen opening his church] without the backlash. So it did help... If you are a member of the clergy, and you are fabulously, fabulously rich, there's something that feels off about that.

NFL teams must start rookie quarterbacks early to find out if they have the 'balls of a burglar'

Don't I want to find out early if my guy's got the balls of a burglar? Because if he can't handle getting hit around and throwing picks... then I don't want him three years from now because that's a character flaw. I want a quarterback that when the dog pees on your leg, your girlfriend likes the other quarterback... and the crowd's booing you... can you pull yourself out of that and win?

A solo hungover Chinese food order must be at least $75

If you order Chinese food by yourself, by the way, when you're hungover and you are under $75, you're doing it wrong. Because what you need to do when you're hungover and you're ordering Chinese food is you order every single thing that you might just want a little taste of.

Ice cream is the most efficient way to cool your core down during a hangover

I'm going to go with just ice cream because it's so easy. You don't have to worry about chewing it... it cools your core down when you get that hangover where you're dehydrated and you have that lava core. You're sitting on your couch sweating, but if you have the ice cream, it cools you down more efficiently than anything else could.

Avoid betting on big favorites early in the college football and NFL seasons

Stay away from the big favorites. Either take the points or don't bet the game... Don't buy all the hype about the big favorites all the time.

Ugga is the greatest mascot in college football

Mike might be at the very top with that first picture I was looking at last week. But, you know, my favorite mascot, my favorite, is my guy, Ugga... Listen, my favorite mascot of all time was Ugga.

It is only socially acceptable to burn LeBron James' jersey

Any player that is a traitor to the town that he was born in and then leaves twice. That's fair. So LeBron James. It is now socially acceptable only to burn LeBron James' jersey.

Brawls are necessary for people to care about baseball

Brawling in baseball is good for baseball. It's great for baseball. ... Brawls need to happen in baseball for people to care about baseball more than they do right now.

The Mayweather-McGregor fight is a lifeline for the sport of boxing

I think boxing, in some respect, should be thankful to Conor McGregor because boxing hasn't been the biggest story in sports, certainly since Mayweather Pacquiao. ... So I think in some respects, this is a lifeline for boxing.

Madison Square Garden is the best venue for fights over Las Vegas

Vegas has so many great fights, but, man, there ain't nothing like the Garden, brother. [It is the Mecca].

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jaguars than the starter

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars than the starting quarterback. He's not going to have all that stress, so he's not going to lose his hair as fast.

The architect of the condos Ryen Russillo was arrested at is on the hook for his arrest because they all look identical

I got a tweet that said, 'I have stayed at the same condos that Ryen got arrested at, and they all look exactly alike.' Good enough for me. So the architect is on the hook for this one, and the people who woke him up from his nap.

Anyone who isn't 'Team Russillo' is on the wrong side of history

This is a heavy one, but you don't want to be on the wrong side of history. So if you're not Team Russillo, you're going to be on – history will not look fondly upon you.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

Celtics fans have no right to complain about trading draft picks for Kyrie Irving

I don't understand Celtics fans that have been bitching and moaning about Danny Ainge not trading picks... and then when he does trade it, being like, well, we should have held on to that pick. Because you just got a guy who is [a] top five scorer in the NBA, a guy who can score in the finals of the NBA finals.

The Kyrie Irving trade is a huge win for the Celtics because they now have a core of Gordon Hayward, Al Horford, and Kyrie Irving

I think this is a great trade. People said that Danny Ainge couldn't get free agents to Boston. Now they have Horford, Kyrie, and Gordon Hayward.

Jon Jones is firmly on the Mount Rushmore of steroid users along with Lance Armstrong, A-Rod, and Barry Bonds

He now goes firmly, I think he was already in there, but he is firmly in the Mount Rushmore steroid users. It's like him, Lance Armstrong, probably A-Rod... Barry Bonds.

Every major sports league, especially the UFC and MLB, should legalize performance-enhancing drugs

We really do need like a rogue every league where steroids are allowed. Mostly UFC though... Baseball and UFC... Just every sport, you should just legalize it.

Time travel is impossible because if it were, people from the future would have already visited us by now

I am [giving up on time travel]. Because if time travel was possible, then people from the past would have already visited us... and people from the future would have come back and visited us.

I have officially given up on the dream of ever being cool

My last one... just being cool... I'm never going to be cool... It's too much work to be cool, so I'm just gonna not be cool.

Al Bundy is one of the all-time great fictional characters

Al Bundy's one of the all-time... I mean, Polk High, obviously. Four touchdowns. But one of the all-time great characters... Ed O'Neill, especially in that role... that character was amazing.

Fantasy football players should wait at least 24 hours after a real-life player's injury before publicly complaining about their fantasy team

I think at least 24 hours. I think at least 24 hours... I certainly don't think you should @ him.

Fantasy football leagues should not have a trade veto unless there is proof of collusion

Veto guy is on my Mount Rushmore. Guy who just vetoes everything. To me, unless you can prove collusion, there should be no veto in [fantasy football].

Mixed drinks and iced coffees are significantly worse if they don't have a straw

I love straws, and I don't care who knows it. When I drink a mixed drink, if I don't have a straw, it sucks. It's so lame... And I drink iced coffee year-round... and I always need [a straw].

Laughter is a universal language that predates spoken word.

How is how does everyone have laugh and as like the universal, like we're having fun. ... You speak Portuguese, you speak, you know, whatever, Taiwanese or whatever, but you both laugh when you're having fun? ... I think laughter came before language, I believe.

I would give away five to ten years of my life to guarantee Wi-Fi on every plane flight.

Nothing worse in the world than being on a plane with no Wi-Fi and no TVs. I would give away five to ten years of my life to make sure that I had Wi-Fi on a plane all the time.

Millennials aren't less interested in breasts; they just don't need to Google photos of them because they are actually having sex.

It's because millennials aren't Googling boobs. Pictures of boobs. Yeah, because we have sex. We see it. ... Of course it's going to be baby boomers and old people who, when they're looking for porn online, they just type in pictures of boobs.

The Bears signed Mike Glennon and Mark Sanchez specifically as a 'buffer' so they wouldn't have to sign Colin Kaepernick.

The Bears basically gave themselves a buffer against Colin Kaepernick. They're like, if we sign enough mediocre quarterbacks, no one can say, hey, the Bears should have signed Colin Kaepernick.

The Ryan brothers are 'football guys' for life, even when they aren't coached.

You don't lose your football guy-ness. ... If anything, it actually enhances their football guy-ness because they're just going out there drinking, getting in fights, wearing jerseys. ... When a football guy loses football, he has basically a slow mental breakdown.

Mike Tomlin is not a true 'Football Guy' because he is always looking for the camera.

I actually disagree on Mike Tomlin. I do not think Mike Tomlin is a football guy. Because Mike Tomlin always knows where the camera is. He always is looking for the camera, doing pointing shit. That's not a football guy.

Consuming social media prevents people from having original thoughts

I actually think we're fucked. ... I talk about it personally... I'm going to go off of social media and I'm going to use this [Motorola] Razr for hopefully two months. That's my goal because I have not had an original thought in more than a year.

Sports team message board commenters often know more about their teams than the actual media

When I go on Around the Horn, who knows more about the team than the people commenting on the message boards? ... I actually do get all of my content from a message board to begin with.

Oatmeal raisin is the number one cookie of all time

Number one of all cookies ever is oatmeal raisin cookies. I love the texture of oatmeal and cookies. I think it adds something to the texture that I like.

Oatmeal raisin is a trash-ass cookie

Because that's a trash-ass cookie. That's a trash ass cookie. Oatmeal raisin is not a Mount Rushmore cookies cookie.

Bird watching is a fraudulent community because sightings are impossible to verify

What's to stop people from saying, yeah, hey, I saw that bird? Like you can lie and say that you're the best birder of all time. ... We're the Rachel Dolezals of the bird community.

The Stanford Tree is a top-tier college mascot because it promotes environmentalism

I've got the Stanford tree. ... What, are you anti-green? Are you pro-global warming? Without trees, you would die. You'd suffocate. So you should be on your knees thanking the Stanford tree every day.

Artie the Fighting Artichoke is one of the best mascots in college sports

My number one is Artie, the Fighting Artichoke. Down in Scottsdale Community College. ... It's a great mascot. ... No brainer.