Takes

The Washington Redskins locker room is less safe than a WWI trench

You'd have better luck getting injured at the bottom of a trench in World War One than in that Redskins locker room right now with all the shit that's like creeping around.

Coach K uses surgery as an excuse to take a break when his team is struggling

Coach K. He just gets a surgery every fucking day. ... Usually when his team's like, oh, maybe the number one recruiting class isn't so good. ... he's had every part operated on, so he doesn't really have any other excuses.

Tom Brady uses the concussion excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt. And Brady's like, yeah, I'm dealing with a lot of concussions, babe.

If you get injured outside of your sport, you should have to play that other sport until you get a sports-related injury

I've always said that if you get injured in a manner outside of the sport that you play, you should be forced to continue playing the sport until you develop a sports-related injury. So this guy, [Tyson Barrie], he got hurt wrestling... keep skating out there until it devolves into a massive hockey injury.

Turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have

I'll say this turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have in your life.

Kevin Durant is a front-running coward and a baby back bitch

Kevin Durant, pros. He's probably top three NBA player, probably best scorer, pure scorer in the NBA. Cons, skinny knees, slouches, and is a coward, front-running coward, and a baby back bitch.

Being tired is a more hardcore injury than a broken bone for a 32-year-old

As someone who's 32 years old, being tired, I would rather have a broken bone than be tired. Being tired is the most hardcore injury that I have these days.

Coach K took a leave of absence just to create 'adversity' as an excuse for Duke potentially failing

I figured it out. Duke was the favorite to win the national title. ... Coach K just added his own little adversity, so when he ultimately fails this season and doesn't coach them to a national title, he said, well, I dealt with a lot of outside things this year.

Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know what emotions are and interprets all feelings as physical pain

Ben, he thinks that any emotion is pain. He doesn't know what emotions are, but he knows that when he feels something, he's like, that is pain, and I feel it in my deep soul... When Ben learned something new, he's like, ow, my head, it's pain. It's headache. I hurt my brain learning, but I will play through it.

Winning a game with the Browns would be the biggest moment of RG3's career

If he won the last game of the season and the Browns were winless going into it, that is the biggest moment in RG3's career.

Rob Gronkowski is the best player in the NFL

I honestly think he's the best player in the NFL.

Dez Bryant did not actually cut his finger making soup

I have a feeling he wasn't making soup. I have a feeling he cut his finger doing something else. Are we staying woke on this one? This seems a little sus, as Hank would say.

Portugal was a better soccer team without Cristiano Ronaldo in the Euro 2016 Final

I'm going to go with hurt because he actually made the team better. I think the question has to be asked now, like, was Cristiano Ronaldo actually holding Portugal back? So better team without him. Kind of like the whole Steph Curry situation where the boys, the lads on the pitch just really opened up the game and the spacing was better.

Pregnancy is not an injury for a man; it is just being 'hurt'

I'm going to say that pregnancy is not an injury. A man's wife being pregnant is not an injury to the guy. It's a hurt to the guy... Pregnancy is technically a sexually transmitted disease. I think we all remember that from middle school health class.

Dying as a champion racehorse is better than living as an old-timer in a pasture

I would say that that's more of a hurt [than an injury] because if you die a legend like that after winning a race, your legacy lives on longer than anybody else... You don't remember him as some old-timer getting jerked off in a pasture somewhere.

Carmelo Anthony is a bum

Carmelo? He's a bum. ... He's a bum on the Knicks. And he wears bum hats.