Takes

We should start a 'Crafty Camp' for kids who aren't great athletes to teach them old-man tricks like bank shots and hitting to the opposite field.

We should create a crafty camp where we teach kids who are clearly not going to be great athletes how to do just enough to get by. So it's like be able to shoot a bank shot from the baseline extended. Be able to hit opposite field in baseball... We can give you enough that when you're playing, people are like, ooh, look at that.

You should never post a picture of cooked meat or your thumb online because they always look bad on camera.

The two [things you should never post] that come to mind is always your meat. Don't post any picture of meat. And then don't post your thumb because your thumbs always look bad... just when people see a thumb on picture, it looks weird no matter whose thumb it is.

Kim Jong Un has at least a half-dozen clones of himself being kept on a farm in case he dies

I would imagine that he probably has at least a half-dozen clones of his, like actual clones that have been kept in like some weird farm just in case that he does die.

Kobe Bryant is better than LeBron James

If you're a LeBron stan, take a moment, have a little self-reflection, and realize Kobe's better than LeBron.

Bill Walton's 'WatchESPN' comment was a result of him doing acid in a forest

When Bill Walton says, 'Watch ESPN, I can watch you,' it's because he did acid in the forest and pulled up his Watch ESPN to watch UCLA versus USC, and was like, 'The game's watching me.'

Florida State has a 'turtle murdering problem' and a bad culture

I'm guessing the Tallahassee police are somehow involved in this... Knowing that there's been one turtle murder that I know of this year, and it happened at Florida State, that's conclusive. Bad culture.

Britney Spears' Instagram comments are a clandestine hub for Russian spies

I think we talked about this a couple weeks ago with Britney Spears' Instagram comments being like a meeting place for Russian spies and hackers. ... It's basically like a park bench in St. Petersburg with two guys in trench coats dropping off briefcases to each other.

Twitter intentionally releases bad updates just to generate free publicity through news articles.

The Twitter update... is awful but I think Twitter just does this once every few months so people will write articles about Twitter. That's really it. That's just kind of pokes the bee's nest... I think the long con is going to work.

Bill Belichick sends his assistants to AFC teams specifically to destroy them from within

Every single Belichick assistant that has spun off into a head coach or front office guy at another team has gone to work in the AFC, and they've systematically destroyed that team that they've gone to and made it an easier schedule for the Patriots. McDaniels just completely destroyed Denver. Pioli and company went to the Chiefs. Bill O'Brien... Texans stink. Saban fucked up the Dolphins too.

You shouldn't complain about robots spying on you if you willingly put an Alexa in your house

I don't feel bad for anyone out there who willingly puts a robot in their living room and then complains when the robots start to take over. ... Don't fucking put a robot that can talk in your house. Once the robots get feelings, then we're all fucked.

News broadcasts should stop reporting on crimes to discourage copycats, similar to how the NFL stops showing streakers

The news should stop showing all the bad stuff that happens so it's work for me they should follow the NFL's lead once again Roger Goodell is a thought leader trying to improve society so hey news big news producers out there maybe stop leading with mass murders cut away from them and have Gruden just talk that's right and then and then there won't be any more murders

Announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive ratings

I think that announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive up ratings. Because there's one thing that you can't draw when you're doing a telestrator and that's a dick. And they do it every time. Every single time it's a dick.

Voters are more likely to support political change when their local NFL team is losing

When your football team is good, you're more likely to vote for an incumbent. And when your football team's bad, you're more likely to vote for a new guy. The Jaguars and Dolphins sucked up until Election Day. Wisconsin voted Trump. Steelers sucked at the start of the year, Pennsylvania voted Trump. Carolina Panthers suck, North Carolina voted for Trump too.

Roger Goodell's failure to suspend Aaron Hernandez is encouraging other players to mimic him

Players are starting to do the Aaron Hernandez crack the safe money toss touchdown celebration. I have. So stay woke. Roger Goodell in his negligence and failing to suspend Aaron Hernandez despite being convicted of murder... he's emboldened the players to mimic Aaron Hernandez. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some more murders.

The fact that creepy clowns disappeared immediately after the election proves Donald Trump paid them to create chaos during the campaign

What happened to the clowns?... Before the election. Now the clowns just are gone? Chaos is good for Trump. You don't think Trump bought some clowns and had them kind of have some panic around America? Because that's coincidental that the clowns are just not here anymore.