Takes

Skip Bayless's brain should be studied because he genuinely does not care that everyone hates him

Skip Bayless's brain should be studied just because he truly does not care that everyone hates him. And I think he might be the only person on it that actually feels that way.

LeBron James can never match Michael Jordan's level of legendary asshole-ness

LeBron could never. Never, ever. ... MJ talks such great shit... [He] has a full staff walking around with highlights ready to go, depending on which NBA players he runs into. ... LeBron could never.

Bill O'Brien and Mike Zimmer will definitely be the ones to mess up the virtual draft technology

Bill O'Brien the head coach and Bill O'Brien the GM would be at the top of my list for that... I don't see them either one of them as being technology guys... Mike Zimmer definitely is going to be up there.

Jerry Jones will definitely screw up the virtual draft technology by fighting over control with Stephen Jones

Jerry Jones simply trying to like rip the iPad out of Stephen Jones' hands and having fall and and logout is definitely on the table here... Jerry Jones still opens up his web browser it's probably Netscape and it goes to backpage.com.

Skip Bayless won by getting the Virginia Cavaliers to talk about him after the title game

Anytime a championship team talks about an analyst, a troll analyst, they won. Mission accomplished. No matter who it is, no matter what it is that's giving Stephen A. Smith attention, Stephen A. is basking in it.

The Bengals and Marvin Lewis are staying together for the kids

The Bengals and Marvin Lewis are staying together for the kids. And they're in a loveless relationship. That's okay. They don't fight in public. They don't kiss on the lips anymore. That's fine.

Nick Saban hires fired coaches to learn how to beat them in the future

Nick Saban's little plan here is that by the time he's like 100 years old and is too old to coach, he'll actually have coached with every coach who's in college football and he knows how to beat every single one of them. So he wins like an extra seven national championships at the end of his career just because he knows everyone he's coaching against.

Bill Snyder will retire and then un-retire during his five-year contract extension

The best part about that extension is he's going to retire and come back within those five years. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

Nick Saban only hires former head coaches as interns so he can eventually beat them

Is this Nick Saban thinking ahead and saying, Butch Jones might get another job in the SEC, so I need to put him under my coaching tree so that I can beat him? Because he's undefeated against his coaching tree.

Jeff Fisher is the 'Rasputin' of the NFL and is guaranteed a contract extension wherever he goes

You're not giving Jeff Fisher enough credit because Jeff Fisher, he's Rasputin. Once he gets in the building, he knows how to whisper into his boss. You shoot him and he just keeps walking forward. Jeff Fisher is absolutely getting at least one contract extension, no matter where he goes. That's a fact.

LaVar Ball is the living embodiment of my 'future me' theory

He is the living embodiment of future me. Yes. Because he, his, his theory is as long as I never admit anything's wrong, then nothing's wrong. Right. Exactly.

Andy Reid ordering three steaks at once is a total alpha move

Jeffrey Lurie said the first time he went out to dinner with Andy Reid, Andy Reid ordered three steaks at once. Such an alpha move. King's Stay Kings. That is an alpha move. Three steaks, one for every quarter that Andy coaches.

Jay Cutler will get injured within two months of starting for the Dolphins

I guess we're going to have to wait at least another two months until Jay gets hurt... So two months and he's going to get hurt.

If something is more expensive, that means it's better

If something's more expensive, that means it's better, right? Correct. Without a doubt. Like Fyre Fest tickets. That was the best concert of all time.

Jim Harbaugh's story about being hit by a mail truck as a kid is probably fake

Jim Harbaugh was Hit by a mail truck driver When he was 7 years old And he found the mail truck driver Nearly 50 years later In Iowa... This is a fake story. This is a fake story by Jim Harbaugh because this is... you can't come up with a story that's more Jim Harbaugh than this.

Bill Belichick will draft Christian McCaffrey next year

It's reached a point where I'm going to go to Vegas and put $100 on Belichick drafting Christian McCaffrey next year. And it's going to be the easiest money that I ever made.

The only socially acceptable times for men to cry are at the end of Hoosiers or with a hated coworker to save your job

The only times where it's socially acceptable to cry is at the end of Hoosiers. ... And then with somebody that you hate at work when you're both trying to save your jobs.

Jeff Fisher is lowering the unemployment rate by cutting so many players and creating new jobs for others

Since he's been such a bad coach, he's had to cut a lot of players, which means he's created new jobs for other players. So really, he's out there. He's lowering the unemployment rate.

Jeff Fisher's record for most losses in NFL history will never be broken

Jeff Fisher's losingest head coach in NFL history might be the untouchable record. ... Because they fire coaches now instantly. If you lose, you get two years max. ... Once Gus Bradley gets fired, then there's no chance anyone will break Jeff Fisher's record.

The Rams will announce an extension for Jeff Fisher immediately following their next win

Right now, after the Rams' next win, they're going to announce the extension. He's getting out in front of the story right now, laying a nice mattress down so that nobody's shocked. Next win of the Rams, they're going to use that as the premise to announce an extension.