Takes

Jake Paul used performance enhancing drugs for the Tyron Woodley fight

It came out that there was no drug testing for that fight. Jake Paul probably wrote it up. I didn't want to say anything, but in Caleb's interview you can see acne right around is like, just really bad. But what about his nipples? Anyone can see their ConEd.

Nebraska football is a complete and utter dumpster fire under Scott Frost

Nebraska is a complete and utter dumpster fire. I don't know what you do. They, I don't know if you saw the graphics... but Scott Frost is now nine and 18 in big 10 football games, zero bowl games. He has the second worst record of any head coach in Nebraska history. And it's a complete failure.

Trent Dilfer was coaching hard, not committing physical assault in his viral high school video

I hate the argument you never put your hands on a player it's like grabbing a guy by shoulder, grabbing him by the elbow. Come on. Are we really going to get upset about that. Obviously, if it's like punching choking... this, there was no malicious intent in this.

The Jaguars already hate Urban Meyer

I think the Jaguars already hate Urban Meyer. I think that Trevor Lawrence hates Urban Meyer. Yeah. You know what Urban Meyer is doing? He's doing the old Mike Martz on offense. I'm not gonna leave anybody in there to protect you... I've heard some of the players aren't thrilled with him either.

Urban Meyer will be out of the NFL within two years

I don't think it's going to work. I think that he's going to be out of the league... This is right now a clip that we're saying that is absolutely going to be used against us in like two years. When you put your, put your, I I've said it when he got hired, I don't think it's going to work.

I could easily hit home runs off Little League World Series pitchers

I'd love to fucking just Jack home runs off these little kids. This guy throws Gavin Weir could strike me out. Yes... But if you go up against one of the guys that's throwing 70 miles an hour, I would absolutely be able to take a lefty. I could go yard off a lefty that's throwing 70 miles an hour.

I can hold my breath for over 5 minutes

I did his [Wim Hof] technique. One day I was about to fall asleep. I was like, I'm just going to try, I'm going to try holding my breath. I dude, I made it five minutes and six seconds. Yeah. In the scariest part, the scariest part is I, I felt fine.

I will defeat Bobby Laing at Rough and Rowdy 15

The main thing I'm thinking about whooping Bobby, making sure my hand getting pulled up at the end of the belt and collecting my thousand dollars now that I know between you guys... Bobby is a bull and I'm going to be the bull master.

The Washington Football Team is guaranteed at least 10 wins this season

We're in the sweet spot where people haven't mentally jumped over that hurdle of 17 game season. So you can say 10 wins and it's not as much even, you know, 10 and seven is not [crazy] because you think 10 wins is guaranteed. [Fitzpatrick]: No guarantees coming from me.

The boy from 'The Giving Tree' is a toxic friend and a 'real prick'

The kid in the giving tree... the kids a real prick... the tree is just honestly, a toxic friend. Is it like, he's a piece of shit. The kid takes every frame, everything from this tree until he cuts the tree down at the end and sits on his like, thank you tree for being here for me when I'm an old man... no you fucking prick. You just killed your best friend.

The Pyramids of Giza were probably built by aliens

I'm going to go with the real pyramids, Pyramids of Giza... the greatest structural engineering ever done, probably done by aliens.

You shouldn't be allowed to coach Little League if your children aren't in that age group

You should honestly should not be allowed to coach Little League if your children are not in that age group. Agreed. That's not a career, but you can stay on a Little League. Coach is not a job that you have for the rest of your life. You don't retire from becoming a Little League coach.

Porn is the driving engine behind the internet

Anytime they try to take porn off of the internet, it's like that's what the internet was... The driving engine behind the internet is porn. It is. It's like trying to shovel a driveway in Antarctica. If you took all the porn off the internet, people would just not be on the internet anymore.

A visor has never won a Super Bowl

You're not going to wear that visor in the regular season, right? Oh, yeah. What the fuck, dude? Please talk me down from that ledge. Don't do that. You don't want me to wear it? No. A visor has never won a Super Bowl. Ever.

The 'Shampoo Soup' is a top-tier hotel move

This is my patented thing. I might trademark this move, but the shampoo soup. You get in the shower, you just take all of the free complimentary bottles and you just pour them into your hand and just rub it all over your body. Listen, that's not really shampoo. It's not body wash. It's all basically the same thing. You just combine them.

Dak Prescott is probably going to miss the whole year with his shoulder injury

They can't show it [on Hard Knocks] because they don't want to tell us that [Dak Prescott's] shoulder's fucked up and he's probably going to miss the whole year.

John Mara is the driving force behind the NFL's new 'anti-fun' taunting penalty

Co-owner John Mara was the driving force behind the new taunting penalty in the NFL... It's honestly stupid... Mr. Mara, he is the man. He is the machine that needs to be raged against. He looks like when you die, if you still have a boss, that's what he looks like.

Downfield laterals are the next revolution in football

Design downfield laterals... a receiver catches the ball, have a guy trailing them... that's going to be a chunk play every time. That's going to be the next revolution in football... it's the future of football.

Mac Jones might win NFL Rookie of the Year

I think I'm going to Zig while everybody's eggs. I think Mac Jones might be the rookie of the year... If Mac Jones gets in week four, then how many games? 13 games. If he goes nine and four, see, I think he gets rookie of the year.

I don't want the Waterdogs to win the championship if it is played on an NFL Sunday

If the Waterdogs want to be the best dogs possible, they would lose in the semifinals. So we don't have to watch them in the finals... I don't want to have to be burdened with them on an NFL Sunday.

Winning a Big East regular season and tournament championship meant more than a National Championship

I think that actually might mean more than the national championship. Deep down it is... Boy did we all miss, you know, Jimmy and all of us... it's much better fighting your own neighborhood. The guys you know, the guys you have to recruit against.

Dak Prescott should have teammates tackle him in practice to stop overthinking his injury

If I'm Dak... even if my shoulder is still not good to go right now, I would still have people do, like, tackling drills against me in practice where I would get hit because you've got to get that first hit out of your system to stop thinking about it all the time. I would just have people, like, tackle me into a big mat so I didn't hurt my shoulder falling on it.

US vs Mexico is no longer a soccer rivalry because the US wins every time

I would actually go as far as to say that it's not even a rivalry. A rivalry implies that both teams win occasionally. And if you look back at the history of our last two League of Nations Golden Cups, it's just basically us showing up out there.

I will quit my job if Sam Ehlinger has a better NFL career than Trevor Lawrence

Billy, if Sam Ehlinger has a better career than Trevor Lawrence, I will quit my job. My only job in life would be to be your PR agent to just remind people... That's my promise to you.

A head coach finding out their star quarterback is injured is the most devastating news possible

I need every head coach to be miked up when they get that type of news, because it is absolutely devastating. It's like stuff... I'm talking, you could tell them their family just got kidnapped and they'd be like, all right, well, we'll figure out after practice, but [the trainer] walking up being like, 'Hey, it's a muscular thing. We don't know.'

Ben Simmons is a 'penny stock' worth investing in right now

I'm kind of low key addicted to Ben Simmons because he really is like a penny stock. If he could figure it out a little bit, it would be incredible. Like he would be, you know, a starter on the all-star team because he has all the other stuff. Defense, passing, dribbling... If he could just figure out when to shoot and have the balls to shoot, I'm telling you invest now.

Usain Bolt is the greatest sprinter because he's the only one who didn't test positive for steroids

The fastest man, currently the Italian guy Lamont... basically of all the sprinters to break nine seconds, 9 out of the 10 have tested positive or been accused of using steroids except Usain Bolt. [He's] the greatest of all time.

Peyton Manning will become the Commissioner of the NFL

I thought that Peyton Manning's speech points us in one direction only, and that is that he wants to follow in the footsteps of his dad and become commissioner of the NFL. So that when Arch [Manning] gets to the league, he can implement some weird draft rule.

Italian sprinter Lamont Jacobs 100% used steroids to win Olympic gold

Did [Lamont Jacobs] do it? Yeah, 100%. If you look at his Instagram photos from him like two years ago, he's like rail thin. And then if you look at him now, he's like kind of jacked.

The Apple Pie Hot Dog is a culinary combination that works

What we came up with actually should be prepared and sold in frozen food sections because we take a flaky pie crust, we take an all-American beef hot dog, we make a bacon jam... what we came up with, it so works.

If Justin Herbert had played in the SEC, he would have been the number one overall pick.

I scouted [Justin Herbert] for two years. I go to ESPN, and I'm standing on the table like, I want this guy... And I said it, which was if Justin Herbert played in the SEC, he would have been the number one pick in the draft. But he's quiet. He's in Oregon.

Baker Mayfield is a height and speed deficient quarterback who should not be paid a top-of-market contract.

Baker Mayfield is a guy that is just objectively short and slow... you can't pay him $40 million a year because you've got to keep Chubb and Ward and all these other guys... In my opinion, he's somewhere between the 6th and 8th best quarterback in the AFC. How are you going to win a championship?

The NFL referees definitely have it out for the Detroit Lions

I don't know how many times I've said that, but... I don't want to say that and be wrong, but, I mean, everybody felt like that in Detroit. It's hard not to feel like that... Yeah, they got it out for us.

Tennis is a lifestyle or a leisure, not a real sport

I would say that tennis is more of an event. Yeah. Tennis is a lifestyle. Not really a sport. If you pick up a sport after you retire, that's not a sport. The thing they always say like, 'Hey, take up golf and tennis because you can play it for your whole life.' Well, that's not a sport. It's a leisure.

The Green Bay Packers are the least desirable team to play for in the NFL

The Green Bay Packers are a classless organization by cutting Blake Bortles. Probably least desirable team to play for in the NFL, according to Aaron Rodgers, not me, Aaron Rodgers. If you're a free agent listening to the show right now, Will Compton, don't you dare go to the Green Bay Packers because they will mistreat you.

Mercedes' current F1 strategy is intentionally taking out Red Bull at every turn

Mercedes, essentially their strategy now is just take out Red Bull at all times, which is sick. And then yeah, Lewis Hamilton, Sir Lewis Hamilton is the goat.

The quality of a spiral is overrated; wobbly touchdowns count just the same

Every one of my records is getting broken... but nobody's throwing more wobbly touchdowns than me. Okay. I mean, the spiral is overrated, right? As long as it gets there. And the good thing about the wobbly pass, a lot of dropped interceptions. Because these guys playing defense, a perfect spiral right in their hands they're going to catch, but a wobbly pass, there's a good chance they're going to drop it.

High jumpers splitting a gold medal is the equivalent of quitting competition

The cutter and the Italian guy tied for high jump, and then they split the gold. I would do the same thing if given the opportunity to be like, 'Hey, you can quit now and get a gold medal.' That's the best of both worlds for me. But for the people who were like, 'Simone Biles is a quitter,' they should be mad about that. Because this is the most like—this is competition and you just tie. You must have consistency on this one.

Jalen Green will be a great NBA player based solely on his draft night suit

Jalen Green's going to be a great NBA player. Just look at his suit. And I was like, yup, Perk, thank you. This is the analysis. Like I don't give a fuck about you showing me a few highlight teams and being like, he comps out to this guy because similar to the prospects in baseball, none of us know. So yeah, if it's going to be like, 'Hey, this guy wearing a cool suit or not,' that's actually the analysis.

Russell Westbrook cares too much to ever be LeBron James' 'Robin'

I love Russell Westbrook. I think he cares so much that he's going to be the one that gets pissed off at LeBron. I think that he's going to see a couple of games in the middle of the season like LeBron doing load management or whatever and Russell Westbrook is going to get pissed off about that. Russell Westbrook, I don't know if he's going to be able to work in a system where he's very clearly supposed to be the Robin because he's a dog.

I think I am genuinely on Aaron Rodgers' side in his dispute with the Packers

If you want to talk about a real quitter in sports, we're going to talk about Aaron Rodgers on Sunday. I'll do a little teaser. My take on Aaron Rodgers: let's just say, I think I'm on his side. I think he's quitting on his marriage. I think I'm on his side. Just a little teaser. I think justice for it. And like actually on his side, not jokingly on his side, I think I'm on the side.

The mile world record set in the 1990s was likely fueled by heavy steroid use

The mile world record is three minutes and 44 seconds. The dude with the mile world record right now is so juiced up and liked the 1990s that drug testing—I mean, no one dopes anymore, but this dude was just literally coursing with steroids.

The Olympics should have a separate division for athletes who are permitted to use performance-enhancing drugs

I think we should have world records for steroid users. Like we really should see how far—we should have regular world records, and then world records of how far can the human body be pushed with help of steroids, right? Humans would just become like a horse.

Jalen Johnson is not a true Duke player because he 'stood up' to Coach K

Jalen Johnson... he's the guy who quit on, dropped out of Duke. So he's not—let me say, I'm not going to say he quit on it. It was courageous what he did against Coach K, because Coach K probably made it his life miserable playing at Duke. Coach K is officially off the board. No, I think Jalen Johnson, he's not a Duke player. He's just not. I don't think that we can count him as a Duke player.

Coach K will win 'Retirement of the Year' again in 2022 because he wants everyone to suck his dick for an entire year

I'm going to say coach K is going to win it this year. And he's going to win next year when he actually does retire because coach K has said that he's going to retire, but he needs everyone to suck his Dick for an entire year before he actually retired.

The NCAA will be defunct within five years due to NIL and conference realignment

With all the conference realignment and stuff going on and all of the NCAA. And NIL, I think that the NCAA will be defunct within five years. I like it. I liked that. So it was the sec just gonna become the, the NCAA. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's what it feels like. That's where is trending anywhere where it's all just money they're taking out the administrative school part of it.

I prefer the easy way out when it comes to championships

I prefer the easy way out. Kinda my thing. I don't know this, and there's a good parody in the Blake via context. And then Brooks being a newcomer. Oh, is he hasn't gotten one yet, but Blake, Blake Bortles has won and, and it's been a, it's been a tough race.

The Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez relationship is a fake publicity stunt

It's fake love because it's all publicity stunt. The fact that they're remaking old pictures, they don't actually love each other. Imagine doing this, imagine having a relationship that is all for the tabloids... it's disgusting.

I could medal in Olympic handball because it is just gym class

I thought the easy first pick is handball. I absolutely can medal in handball. It really is the gym class of the Olympics. All you'd have to do is just do band workouts for your shoulder to develop like an 80 mile an hour fastball... I'm not going to ever lose to Croatia in this sport.

I could medal in Equestrian sports because the horse does the work

This one, you actually don't have to be athletic at all, but a question in sports... you can train a horse, you don't actually have to be that good. ... It's new team names. The horse does the work.