Takes

The NFC East is going to be dangerous this year

The entire NFC East is getting dangerous. The Beast, baby... We're Joaquin Phoenix's Joker. You guys all laughed at us last year. Now we're about to just flip out and shoot everybody.

Baylor will beat Gonzaga for the National Championship

I have Baylor beating Gonzaga [in the final]. I actually had a bet on Baylor. I think they were getting four against Gonzaga... I think when you watch Baylor, they just have it all to me... They could guard every position. I love their guards.

Drew Brees will not be a good broadcaster

I got a hot take. I don't think Drew Brees is going to be that good in the booth... There's going to be a wave of people being like, and as much shit as we give Tony Romo, he's objectively good... I don't think Drew Brees has a personality. I would sell all my stock on Drew Brees being good in the booth.

Houston is the number one fraud team among the tournament's top five seeds

Houston is my number one fraud. They're 24 and three. One of their losses was to Wichita State, they lost to East Carolina. These are very bad losses. Houston to me is what people think Gonzaga is. That's what Houston is now.

Rutgers will defeat Houston in the second round of the tournament

I am betting on Rutgers. If Rutgers wins the second round game [against Houston], I win a Bitcoin.

I will cut my hair if Ryan Fitzpatrick wins a playoff game for Washington

When Ryan Fitzpatrick wins a playoff game, I will cut my hair. For the football team. I'll say it with my chest: when Ryan Fitzpatrick wins a playoff game, I will cut my hair.

Georgetown is not 'back' just because they won four games in the Big East tournament

The love affair with Patrick Ewing was disgusting this weekend. He got hot against a really bad Marquette team, a Nova team that basically is all injured... this idea that he's building something and this is the culmination. They had a good week. They had a good four games... I'm going to bet against Georgetown in the world.

UC Santa Barbara will upset Creighton in the first round

I've got Santa Barbara over Creighton in the 12-5. [They have] an American Athletic Conference caliber roster at Santa Barbara. They've got high major transfers... I've got Santa Barbara over Creighton in the 12-5. That's spicy.

Texas will make the Final Four behind a breakout performance from Jericho Sims

I am going to go with Shaka Smart 10 years after VCU gets to the Final Four, taking Texas to the Final Four. The guy that's blossomed the last week has been Jericho Sims of Texas... If Jericho Sims can play three quarters as well as he did during the Big 12 tournament, Texas has an outstanding chance to go to a Final Four.

If Baker Mayfield wins a Super Bowl for Cleveland, he will be more beloved than LeBron James

What if Baker wins a Super Bowl for the Browns? I feel like that elevates him above LeBron because he never left. Baker never left.

College basketball teams should be forced to wear practice pennies or go 'skins' if they have a bad record

I think teams should start wearing uniforms based on their records. So if you're a really, really bad team, you should actually be wearing your practice pennies. You shouldn't even get to wear real uniforms... Northwestern should just wear — they should have to be in skins against Minnesota last night.

Russell Wilson is going to be a Chicago Bear

Russell Wilson is going to be a Chicago Bear, Big Cat... I think that if we're looking at the teams that Russell Wilson would hypothetically want to be traded to... the Bears are far and away the most likely destination... If I were to put money on it, I would say yes, he will be a Bear.

If Russell Wilson joins the Bears, he will immediately stop caring about football to become a global celebrity

Almost instantly, he's going to put out like a double album with Ciara. And like he's going to all he's going to care about is being a celebrity and not football. And he's going to instantly just lose all his football powers. I guarantee you that's what's going to happen.

I would rather have Dak Prescott's 4-year deal than Patrick Mahomes' 10-year deal

I'd rather have Dak Prescott's deal than Patrick Mahomes... [Dak] if he's good for these next four years, can get paid a ton of money again when the salary cap goes back up... He basically is giving himself another shot at it.

Tom Wilson would have been suspended for a full year if he had hit Connor McDavid

If Tom Wilson would have done what he did to Connor McDavid, he probably would have got a full year sussy. I think it's getting to the place where they've got to really protect those guys.

The Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup this year

I truly believe with the pickups that they made and adding Joe Thornton's experience to maybe calm the young guys down... yes, I think that they're going to win the Stanley Cup.

The Bulls are one year away from being title contenders

Obviously, I wanted [Blake Griffin] to go to the Bulls, but I think the Bulls are probably a year away from being title contenders. Yeah, one year. One year away from being title contenders. And I still have actually enjoyed watching this Bulls team, and I have high hopes for them to make the playoffs.

If Gonzaga doesn't join the Pac-12 in five years, they are on a fraud countdown

I'm setting the law down right now. If Gonzaga does not go to the Pac-12, actually, within the next five years, they're on a fraud countdown. Anything longer than that, and you're doing it for your Mickey Mouse game?

The NBA All-Star winning team should get extra salary cap space

What if it was East versus West again and the winning team got more salary cap room for the next year? Then people would play hard? They get one extra mid-level exception. One extra guy.

Throwing a no-hitter on LSD is the most impressive athletic feat of all time

He should try doing it on LSD like Doc Ellis did. If you want to talk about the most impressive athletic feats of all time, I'd say throwing a no-hitter on LSD is probably number one and number two.

The Washington Football Team paid for Twitter bots to praise Dan Snyder

I started to notice that over the last two days, there were a shitload of accounts that had been created in October of 2020 that were all tweeting things about Dan Snyder. It'll shock you to find out that there are more than likely hundreds of bots that were all created around the same time to just heap praise on Dan Snyder. Dan Snyder, essentially, somebody in the Redskins organization paid for a shitload of Twitter bots to just do nothing all day but tweet praise for Dan Snyder.

People who don't believe in aliens are losers.

People who don't believe in aliens are losers. Straight up. Why would you willingly convince yourself that aliens don't exist? It's like betting the under.

Mac Jones has the most promise of any quarterback in the 2021 draft class.

I think Mac Jones actually has the biggest promise out of all of them because he's not going to go to one of the top draft pick teams... He's going to go to a team that has a pretty good established team but needs a quarterback.

NFL players shouldn't be able to demand trades over personnel decisions

But I don't think a player should be able to demand who they want interviewed or what players they want to pick up or let go. I mean, that crosses the line... I just don't think that it's right for a player to be upset and demand a trade because they didn't interview someone he wanted to interview.

Hunter Dickinson is the best player in college basketball

I think Hunter Dickinson is the best player in the entire country. I'm only saying that because he's an AWL.

Mikel Arteta should be fired as Arsenal manager

I am Arteta out... He needs to fuck off. If [Kroenke] doesn't spend enough money, then he needs to fuck off... This is the lowest we've ever been [as a club].

Deshaun Watson should retire because the Texans are a franchise that can drive a player to that

I would love to see a player just be like, I truly hate them so much. I will retire. If any franchise is able to do that to a person, it would be the Houston Texans.

Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K

And all you haters out there that told me I was an idiot when I said Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K, he doesn't get the shine, this is just another market in my favor on this.

The blood on Curt Schilling's sock in the 2004 ALCS was fake paint

My conspiracy is the Curt Schilling sock because there's actually some smoke to that. There's some evidence that the blood on the sock was not actually blood... I do think that it's a shitload of paint that got put back there to make Curt Schilling look like he was pitching his absolute balls off.

Michael Jordan was suspended for gambling in 1993 and the league kept it under wraps

The reason why he retired originally in 93 was because he got suspended for gambling... I heard how this conspiracy goes is that they actually suspended him, but they just kept it under wraps because it would have been bad for the league.

The viral video of Cam Newton getting heckled was a PR setup

I'm woke on this Cam Newton clip... It almost feels like that was kind of set up to remind everyone how awesome Cam Newton was. We'll put out a video of Cam getting disrespected so that people are forced to recall how great he is at football. Because you're right. This is the most sympathetic press Cam Newton's got in the last year.

Cam Newton isn't fully healthy because he didn't swing on the heckling kid

That's actually what's telling me that Cam Newton isn't healthy. Because if he was, he should have just swung on the kid. Where somebody's being that disrespectful... Cam, you should be able to defend yourself.

PGA Tour golfers are higher-level athletes relative to their sport than any other professional athletes

I actually say a lot that I think that PGA Tour golfers are better at their sport than any other professional athlete is at their sport, if that makes any sense. If you threw me in an NBA game, I'll look like Sean Bradley. Throw me on the tour, I'll shoot 100 and quit.

The Raiders are the biggest losers of the Wentz trade because they wouldn't part with Derek Carr

I'd say that the losers of this trade would be the Raiders. The Raiders lost this trade because the Colts tried to get Derek Carr first, and the Raiders were like, no, we're not going to part with Derek Carr. That's a loss for the Raiders right there.

Fernando Tatis Jr. will be a Yankee in four or five years if the Padres don't win a title

Well, I mean, the Padres, they obviously were an electric team in the shortened season last year. Slam Diego? Yeah, Slam Diego. So if they don't win a title in what? The first four or five? Then he's a Yankee.

Zach Wilson's mechanics are Mahomes-esque

It's just the way [Zach Wilson] uses his base in separation to his upper body when he throws. It's very Mahomes-esque and very baseball-esque.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.

Jalen Johnson is a quitter for opting out of the Duke season

[Jalen Johnson] is a quitter. However, as a Dookie, a diehard Cameron Crazy runs in my blood... If they had a shot, even a chance—they're clearly not going to make the tournament. They're terrible this year. If it was like they were even a bubble team or close to a bubble team and he quit now, it'd be like, alright, fuck this guy forever.

LeBron James could absolutely make an NFL roster

LeBron because he would have been the best two-sport athlete of all time making a NFL roster. I actually believe him. I don't know why anyone would say, oh, LeBron couldn't make an NFL team. No, he absolutely could. Without a doubt.

Players-only meetings are for losers

In my mind, team meetings are for losers because right now you're floundering in the wind, you're getting ready to point some fingers, and people's feelings get hurt in team meetings. If you just talk about it on a constant basis, you get used to it.

Modern NBA stars would still be considered 'soft' in the 90s era

If these guys [international players] would have came in during my era, they'd still be soft. Because there was a different era where—guys, you know, you wasn't running over to the monitor because some guys say I got a hit in the head... It makes me so mad now when you see these guys.

Zebras run toward grass fires because they can't outrun them

Zebras run towards grass fires because they know they can run through them and get to the other side that's burnt out because they can't outrun the fire.

Ryan Pace and the Bears will offer JJ Watt the most money on the market

Ryan Pace is going to offer him somewhere between $150 and $200 million... [Watt's] never going to be that JJ Watt anymore. So that's the perfect time for Ryan Pace to be like, yo, I'm going to give you $50 million just so I can tell people that we have Khalil Mack and JJ Watt on the same line.

Trevor Lawrence will not bring 'electricity' to an NFL offense by himself

I don't see him just like bringing electricity to an offense. like making plays with his feet, like even when he has no blocking, you know, I just, I'm a little skeptical... the thing is he needs a supporting cast to be good.

James Harden literally ate his way out of Houston

Yeah, that is what happened, James. You got fat. James, you got fat. You ate your way out of Houston, which is very difficult to do.

Urban Meyer will be successful in the NFL because he only cares about winning.

I now am fully changing my take on Urban Meyer. I think he's going to be very successful in Jacksonville because Urban Meyer hiring Chris Doyle and being like, 'fuck you world.' It clearly is Urban's show. He hired a dude who was fired like six months ago for very racist things in Iowa... that to me says that Urban is going to just... win football. This hire right here tells me that he has carte blanche with who he wants to hire, who he wants to bring in to just win football.

I will fight Darren Rovell anytime, anywhere for zero dollars.

My Fyre Fest is that Darren Rovell doesn't look like he's going to fight me anymore... I told Barstool, I said, 'I will do it for zero dollars.' And I removed all stipulations. Anytime, anywhere, I will fight Darren Rovell. Anytime, anywhere. He just loves being talked about... The only thing I will say is anytime, anywhere, if he wants to fight me, I will show up and I will kick his ass and I will do it with a smile on my face.

NFL coaches should go for two points every single time

93% of extra points were made... 48% of two-point conversions were completed... realize that they should go for two every single time. But they won't do it... if you have a good offense, you should absolutely go for two points every single time.

Jose Canseco didn't have any power and essentially quit the fight

Once he punched me, I realized the fucking wizard behind the curtain was fucking just a man. I fucking went after him... He didn't give me... He quit. No, he quit.

The Patriots were holding Tom Brady back

You do have to ask if the Patriots were holding [Brady] back, Hank. You get him and Gronk into a system that centers itself around making plays between your quarterback and your tight end, and all of a sudden he's blowing teams out, blowing out one of the best quarterbacks of all time, Patrick Mahomes, in the Super Bowl.