Takes

Barry Bonds belongs in the Hall of Fame

Barry Bonds. Of course. ... there are probably 10 in the Hall of Fame right now that use PEDs. A couple I injected myself. I won't mention who they are.

Shot his own finger off while cleaning four guns at once

Cleaning four guns at once. Very quickly.

Would have hit 760 home runs if he stayed healthy

Now, if you would have done my home runs per bat ratio over a 24-year-old period, I would have had 760 home runs if I would have stayed healthy.

Big Cat and PFT are just little intern peons — Hank is the real boss

Hank is the boss, people. Jake is the boss. These two are just a little intern peons. And I'm talking to these guys.

Jose Canseco is not a real fighter; I have seen him hide in the dugout during brawls

Jose is not a fighter. I see personally drill him. Drill him. And half of the team was in the middle of the field when we turned around. Jose is still in the dugout. Jose is not a fighter. Jose just wanted you to show him respect and love when he was playing.

Mitchell Trubisky will be very good as soon as he leaves the Bears

He is going to get really good wherever he goes [next].

The Patriots cheated the Jaguars in the 2017 AFC Championship game

I'm like, Tom, you a fucking cheater. You a cheater... I said, I know what happened. Y'all cheated us.

I am an absolute weapon and I'm going to give 180 seconds of hell to Jose Canseco

I'm fucking gonna go balls to the wall... I'm an absolute weapon... I can get hit. I can look like I'm about to die when I'm a zombie. Keep coming.

I'm shorting Robinhood as soon as they go live

I'm shorting Robinhood, though, when they eventually go live.

David Cully is just a stopgap hire to get to Josh McCown

My favorite conspiracy is that I'm seeing this report as being a stopgap to get them to Josh McCown as their head coach... They're saying that David Cully is going to be the interim head coach.

No team should trade four first-round picks for Deshaun Watson

I think that you would be screwing yourself so royally over for the future if you give up four first-round picks... I wouldn't do it for four.

The stock market 'pause button' was hit only to save the fat cats

The game's rigged. They literally rigged it in plain sight... The fat cats in Wall Street are basically going to figure it out, going to blame the small guy, going to make new rules. Like, we've already seen it.

Wall Street will eventually make it illegal to talk about stocks online once they realize message boards are too powerful

What will probably happen is there's going to be one hedge fund that goes out of business like Bear Stearns or whatever and then they're going to come back, rewrite the laws so it's going to be illegal to talk about stocks online and then boom now they're fucking you again for the next hundred years.

The only way I lose to Jose Canseco is in some messed up swift decision

The only way I lose to Canseco is in some fucked up swift decision. Even if I lose, I'm not going to get knocked out in the first 30 seconds. No, I'm not losing.

Matt LaFleur's decision to kick a field goal on 4th and goal was the most cowardly move ever

The most cowardice field goal of all time. Matt LaFleur, I do not understand what you're doing. The decision to kick a field goal with two 10 to 15 left, three timeouts down eight on the seven yard line fourth and goal so that you can seemingly go from down one score to down one score... was so beyond.

Todd Bowles is a top 8 coach in the NFL

I'm taking out my take that I retired like three years ago. Todd Bowles, great coach. Todd Bowles, top eight coach in the NFL.

It is time for Coach K to think about stepping down

Listen, maybe it's time for Coach K to think about stepping down.

Philip Rivers would have won more Super Bowls than Eli Manning if their roles were reversed

If the Chargers had drafted Eli Manning and he didn't hold out and demand a trade to the Giants? I think that Phillip Rivers would have won more Super Bowls than Eli Manning did.

Aaron Rodgers will eventually become the full-time host of Jeopardy!

I actually think that Aaron Rodgers is going to eventually be the full-time host of Jeopardy. I think he's going to be, after he retires, I think he will. I think Aaron Rodgers is going to like doing it too much, and it combines all his favorite things: mustaches, being smarter than everybody, and letting everybody know that you're smarter than them.

The Bills will win the AFC Championship, possibly convincingly

I said it on Monday, and I'm sticking with it. I think the Bills are going to win, and I wouldn't be surprised if they win convincingly.

The NFL will let Patrick Mahomes play in the AFC Championship regardless of his concussion status

I forgot that Roger Goodell was in charge of the NFL. Yeah. You thought for a second that we actually cared about player safety. Roger Goodell probably would delay the game by week... just to make Patrick Mahomes play... their star player is going to play and they'll find any way to spin it that it wasn't a concussion.

The Houston Astros were flat-out cheating, not just looking for an edge

To have some guy on a computer and a button sitting in the video room and seeing what the catcher's putting down—I mean, that's, there's no place for that in the game. That's, you know, that's cheating. That's cheating. That's not looking for an edge. That's flat-out cheating. And, you know, I was pretty disgusted with it. I'm not going to lie to you.

The Buffalo Bills are capable of blowing out the Kansas City Chiefs

I said the Bills could blow out the Chiefs. I guess I should have just phrased it the lame way and been like, it's a coin flip game... I'm saying a blowout wouldn't surprise me either way. People think that the Bills blowing out the Chiefs would be some shocking result, but to me it wouldn't be because I think both these teams are so fucking good that if either shows up with their A-plus game, they will blow out the opponents.

The dysfunction in the Houston Texans' front office involves things too bad for television

Dan Orlovsky was talking about the Texans GM mess... and he said that it's worse than is being reported... and it's so bad I can't say it on television... How bad could it get that you can't say it on television? ... Is it satanic orgies?

One touchdown pass will earn Jameis Winston a $25 million contract next year

I think that one pass made Jameis Winston $25 million next year. I don't know about that much, but it definitely... whoever comes in second with the Deshaun Watson jackpot, they're going to have to pony up some cash.

Matt LaFleur is a better coach than Sean McVay

If LeFleur gets there, gets a two NFC championship games in a row, beats his old master on the way there, I think he might be [better] because McVay got to that Super Bowl on the pass interference call, laid an egg in the Super Bowl.

The Bills could blowout the Chiefs in the AFC Championship Game

There's part of me that thinks the Bills might fucking blow out the Chiefs. I wouldn't be shocked if the Bills dominated the AFC Championship. I wouldn't be like, oh my God, where'd this come from? I really think they have that in them as a complete football team.

Urban Meyer will get the Jaguars to an AFC Championship Game

I'm going to say that Urban Meyer won't be an abject failure. Now, what does that mean? I think Urban Meyer will get the Jags to an AFC championship game. I don't know if he'll last more than five years.

Kyrie Irving is never coming back to this planet

What makes you think Kyrie Irving is ever going to come back to this planet?... [He has] gotten farther and farther off the reservation. And it just never happened. And he's gotten farther and farther off the reservation.

The Saints will dominate the Buccaneers

I think they're going to win. I think they're going to dominate the Bucs... I don't think this is going to be close. I think this one might be a blowout.

If you don't like Lamar Jackson, you're an asshole

I'm a huge Lamar Jackson fan. I am. Even though I'm a Browns guy, I feel like he's the most likable player in the NFL. If you don't like Lamar, you're an asshole. That's how I kind of feel.

The Browns will beat the Chiefs by three points

I will go with the Browns will win... the Browns are going to win... win by three.

Nick Saban is the greatest coach to ever coach anything in any sport

Can we say in any sport, Nick Saban is the best coach to ever coach anything?

Big Ben Roethlisberger will spend the entire offseason watching pornography

Sad Big Ben. He's going to watch so much porn this offseason.

The Steelers will trade for Sam Darnold and he will become the next Ben Roethlisberger

I still think they're going to get Sam Darnold, and he's going to be the new Big Ben. He's kind of fit for it. Big guy, throws some picks.

Russell Wilson is to blame for the Seahawks' stagnant offense and postseason failures

There seems to be a little bit of a rumbling that Russell Wilson is more to blame than people are letting on... in those 16 playoff games, he's 25 touchdowns, 12 interceptions, 236 yards average... that's not like lighting the world on fire.

Mike Vrabel’s fourth-and-two punt against the Ravens was the most cowardly coaching move of the weekend

Mike Vrabel cut off his balls instead of his penis... It was honestly the most cowardly punt that I've seen... Bad weekend for Mikes in their punting. Bad, sad punt weekend.

The Chicago Bears are a soul-sucking dumpster fire with no end in sight

The Bears suck... they play a soul-sucking version of football. It's exhausting... just a fucking dumpster fire of an organization. This is the opposite of the Washington football team. I feel worse because it feels like there's no end in sight.

The Cleveland Browns will beat the Chiefs in the divisional round

I think that the Browns are going to win too. I really do... so I feel like the Browns, this could be the year for them.

The Colts only win if Jonathan Taylor rushes for over 210 yards

If there's a way that the Colts win, it's by Jonathan Taylor running for 225 yards. But barring that, if he gets under 200 yards, then the Bills will win. Every single time Jonathan Taylor has rushed for over 210 yards in a game, the Colts win.

Tom Brady struggles in night games because he goes to bed too early

Tom Brady... One in six last seven night games. One in six last seven night games, nine touchdowns, eight interceptions. If you don't think this guy goes to sleep at 7 o'clock every night, you're crazy.

Roughly 21% of NFL players are on performance-enhancing drugs

I would say probably five to seven different types of things. Oh, yeah, 20, 21%. Just stuff.

Greg Williams' practice style stunted Sam Darnold's development

The things that Sam [Darnold] sees on the practice field from Gregg Williams will set a quarterback back years. You remember when Sam Darnold said 'I was seeing ghosts'? Well, part of that, that's part of the process, and I'm not blaming it on Gregg, but there needs to be a progression. You can't bring a young quarterback on with all that stuff going on.

Kyle Trask's facial hair proves he is not a franchise quarterback

If you were scouting this crop of quarterbacks, Kyle Trask's facial hair is a huge negative. That is not a franchise quarterback. That is a long reliever... If I were one of the scouts, that'd be the first thing I'd ask. I'd be like, how much are you in love with your facial hair? Because it has to go.

The 'COVID issues' at Ohio State are just a cover for Justin Fields' bruised ribs

Stay woke: they have COVID issues [at Ohio State]. Does it happen to be somewhere around Justin Fields' ribs? ... An extra week would help those bruised ribs. So I would say in terms of a punctured lung, calling it a rib issue... I feel like it would help.

Snapchat will eventually be used to blackmail future politicians

I think Snapchat is going to have a huge blackmail on future politicians... You have a bunch of dumb 14-year-olds and teenagers and stuff, and then in the future they might be important people and there's a whole cloud of data... I think there will be a scandal that happens in the next 20 years where a Comcast or a major internet service provider just gets hacked or they release a bunch of documents and it's just everybody's search history and internet history.

Tua Tagovailoa has bust tendencies and the Dolphins should draft a quarterback at number three

To [Tua], I think it might be a bust. Well, he has, he has bust tendencies right now... You're not going to be back in the top three for a long time. Take the quarterback and Tua still has a ton of value. Like if you want to trade Tua, I bet you can get a second round pick for him at least.

Kliff Kingsbury is a big-time fraud and I'm revoking his offensive guru card

Kliff Kingsbury. He waved the white flag on the entire season. Like they actually could of made the Playoffs. This was, it was delivered to them on gold platter. Like you were playing John Wolford... This was, this is the biggest indictment on, on Kliff Kingsbury that he's ever produced thus far. This game was his masterpiece explaining to everybody else. What we saw on him, which was big time fraud.

The targeting rule should be changed so the opposing coach chooses between 3 points or an ejection

I actually threw out Mike Greenberg's dumb rules. It should be. If you, if a guy gets called for targeting, the coach gets to decide either give the other team three points or you get to give the other team three points and he can stay in or he's objected. I like that.

Cam Newton has to retire after his performance against the Bills

The Buffalo bills, our fucking weapon, Josh Allen, when in Foxborough beat what was left with the Patriots Cam Newton I mean, I think he has to retire. I don't really know what at this point, it, it, it was sad.