Takes

If I could go back to WrestleMania 17, I would have hit Vince McMahon with a stunner and maintained my babyface run

If I could call the Audible now, I would have just told him, hey, man, I ain't feeling it... if I could go back, I just said, hey, man, I'm calling an audible, watch the stunner. And then stunned [Vince's] ass and would have maintained my baby face run.

The Cleveland Browns are 'America's Team' for the 2019 season

The Cleveland Browns are America's team this year, as first coined by me... I stole that take from Hawkins... but the Cleveland Browns are America's team this year.

Peter King should have his driver's license revoked

It's time to start asking, should Peter King have a license? He should have his license revoked. I agree with that. He is a menace. He's a threat.

The Buffalo Bills will win the AFC East and finish 11-5 in 2019

Prediction on the Bills season? Easily 11-5. Oh, he's going to win the AFC East this year? We'll be right there.

Kobe Bryant being ranked 13th for the 2010s decade is fair

There was the all-decades list for the 2010s and Kobe was 13 on it, which I honestly think is like fair... If you're looking at the whole decade, his body of work over the 2010s is not like [first team].

Michael Crabtree didn't sign with the Cardinals because he feared Aqib Talib

My cool throne is Michael Crabtree. So Michael Crabtree decided not to sign with the Arizona Cardinals yesterday... It would have been a terrible move for him because he would have had to play against Aqib Talib twice. Oh, he didn't want that chain snatched. Yeah, the Dunn chain was about to hang over his neck, and Aqib Talib was about to swipe it off.

Goat cheese is 'chick cheese' and not for guys

Goat cheese? Are you kidding me? That's chick cheese, bro. I disagree. That's a big time chick cheese.

Tom Brady selling his home is 'Trouble in Paradise' for the Patriots

Tom Brady. He is putting his house up for sale, which is always sign number one that he might be the new coach of Alabama... Anytime any celebrity gets involved in selling their house, you have to connect that dot just a little bit. It's kind of weird.

Drake is not a talented rapper and has 'low T'

I don't get why Drake is pop. I don't really like his music... I don't think he's a talented rapper. They're all slow. He's low T. Drake is very low T... He does the thing where he rhymes the same word with the same word a lot. He's kind of slow. He mumbles. He's got low T. Actually, he's kind of like me.

Players who sit out bowl games are damaging their legacy and their status as a competitor

I think it hurts their actual—their legacy too. Just what they're about. You know, a competitor is going to compete... Everybody talks about it. They're a competitor... But then they actually don't go play in a football game. You know, that's, to me, that's a problem. You have a problem now with who you are as a competitor and your legacy.

Noah Fant is a bust

Noah Fant, no offense. Looks like bust. I'm putting the bust tag right now on Noah Fant. Bad attitude. I told you about bad attitude. More like no effect on this game. Got him. Trash. Bust. Burn. Put it on the board.

LeSean McCoy's release from the Buffalo Bills is imminent

I've been hearing many rumblings from Leroy that LeSean McCoy's release is imminent. Just saying could be done within the next two weeks. Big time news.

Tony Bennett is the best coach in college basketball

He's the best coach in the ACC? Oh, yes. He's the best coach in college basketball. Better than Coach K? Yeah.

You must have an NBA championship ring to receive a retirement farewell tour

I think the farewell tour, you need to have a ring. I think you need to have a ring to get a farewell tour. I think that's the threshold.

US Soccer audited finances prove the women players earn more than the men

My hot seat is people who think U.S. soccer is sexist and doesn't pay the women enough. Because our good friend DR came out with a tweet today where he showed that the women – U.S. soccer responded for the first time ever with what shows that their independently audited finances that show that their women players actually earn more than the men.

I would pay Ezekiel Elliott before Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper

I get it with Ezekiel Elliott. This is the take I'm willing to squat on. I would pay Ezekiel Elliott first. I would pay him before Dak. I'd pay him before Amari.

Kyrie Irving will become a militant vegan within a month of hanging out with DeAndre Jordan

I got a prediction. You're going to turn Kyrie Irving into a vegan, like within a month. One month of hanging out with Kyrie and he's going to be militant anti-meat. Done. He's going to be throwing fake blood onto Russell Westbrook when he's walking into the arena.

Trevor Bauer is a 'dumb smart person' whose antics are good for baseball

Trevor Bauer... he's a dumb, smart person. ... I think that he might be exactly what baseball needs. We always talk about baseball. We don't have a face of the game. Lean into marketing this dumbass. ... Baseball hasn't really had an asshole for a long time.

Adam Silver is on a war against toxic masculinity

[Steve Ballmer] will just cry. And guess what? Adam Silver, you can't fine a man for crying. As a matter of fact, that's the last thing Adam Silver would ever do because he is on a full war against toxic masculinity.

The UFC should get rid of Greg Hardy

[Greg Hardy] fucking sucks. Bro, I don't know why they give him a... It would be nice to just have him get his ass kicked, right? Cave the skull in. Why does Dana give him a chance? Get him out of there.

Anthony Weiner being alive proves the Clintons didn't murder anyone

Anytime Anthony Weiner's Weiner pops up, which it does several times a year, that is all the proof that you need [that the Clintons didn't murder people]. Although I would really like to see Hillary Clinton try to kill somebody.

Jake Butt will suffer another torn ACL in the next 36 to 48 hours

We're about to, I'd say, like in the next 36 to 48 hours for Jake Butt, [torn] ACL. I hope not... the NFL is a much better place when there is a guy named Butt on the back of his jersey running around making plays.

Matthew Stafford is an elite sucky quarterback who cannot win a Super Bowl

There's the really good sucky quarterback. [Matthew] Stafford is a perfect... he is an elite sucky quarterback. But you're like, if you had to ask yourself, could Matt Stafford win a Super Bowl? Answers probably no. He's right on the edge of suck. That's why he's an elite sucky quarterback. Because it's like, if you put him in the right spot, everything could go perfectly.

Roger Goodell should suspend Tom Brady for cliff diving with his daughter

It would be the ultimate troll move by Roger Goodell to suspend Tom Brady for one game after Tyreek Hill gets zero and just be like, hey, there's videotape... wouldn't be right, but it would be fucking funny.

Adnan Syed probably killed Hae Min Lee

The point of that podcast [Serial] is to just inundate you with both sides of everything... The show would not be interesting if it was just very clear that he was railroaded... I think he probably did it. Yeah. All things being equal.

Novak Djokovic is the Tennis GOAT

Djokovic is the GOAT. [Adnan: No, you're brutal.] How much does it suck to root for a guy [Federer] who keeps losing to Djokovic?

College football coaches should wear helmets and full pads on the sideline

Why the heck do baseball managers wear full uniforms?... Imagine if other sports did this. Give me Coach O [Ed Orgeron] in a helmet and full pads, parlayed with Greg Popovich.

J.B. Holmes ruined the Open Championship with his slow play

Fuck J.B. Holmes. Fuck him. Brooks Koepka would have won. He ruined the Open Championship. Ruined it.

Baseball needs mic'd up manager arguments to be more interesting

When we get these sound clips [of Aaron Boone], baseball becomes more interesting. So figure out a way to have the manager mic'd up... Stop asking, why isn't Mike Trout a great star that we can all market? We don't care about Mike Trout's mammoth home runs. We want to see two grown men yell at each other.

Michael Scott would definitely have voted for Trump

Michael Scott definitely did. Just because he likes a party. He probably went to the rallies. He definitely would be a guy that would start like just a pro Trump Twitter account and then he'd get famous based off that.

Bronny James Jr. will be a bust

You are forgetting that this is all about a mountain of greatness. Not predicting future greatness. I still went with Bronny James Jr. Plus, he's going to be a bust.

Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving will not win a championship together

If you put a gun to my head and said, will they [Durant and Irving] win a championship, I think I would say no. But I hope they do, and I know they're capable of doing it.

The final season of Game of Thrones was actually awesome because it received 32 Emmy nominations

Game of Thrones because they led all TV shows with 32 Emmy nominations. That's actually the most all time. So the final season turns out it was awesome. So critically acclaimed. All you idiots that say that it sucked, you're wrong because Emmys matter more than your stupid opinion.

I would choose to cut off my pinky toe rather than go bald

The little toe doesn't do anything. I'm going to teach you a lesson, Dr. Phil. You ready for this? I would cut off my little toe rather than be bald. 100%. Not even a question.

Big Baller Brand is failing because of government regulations

I don't know what the problem was, the big baller brand, because the business plan was solid. They had great spokespeople getting free advertisement all the time. And now they're just relegated to the discount rack at Kohl's. Well, not with all this regulation.

Pete Sampras is the tennis GOAT

I was actually rooting for Djokovic too because the more that you can poke holes in Federer's resume, the more you can say Sampras is the GOAT. ... He is the goat. Sampras is the goat.

The Area 51 storming petition is an alien or government setup

This is a setup, though, don't you think? ... The government is trying to get rid of all the people that are like crazy and do theories online. Or is the setup that the aliens have set this up and they're trying to eliminate everyone who believes in aliens.

The Clippers would need to win 17 championships to take over Los Angeles

[The Clippers] better watch their back. ... They'd have to win 17 [championships]. They'd have to go 17 in a row probably for people to start saying it's no longer a Laker team.

I can catch a fish with my bare hands in a river in Alaska

If I had a day on a river in Alaska, I could catch a fish with my hands. ... I've been watching a lot of Planet Earth. Their method is not that crazy. ... Give me enough time in Alaska.

Bill Belichick is the type of coach who would cut off his dick one year too early rather than one year too late.

Belichick's the kind of guy who would cut off his dick one year too early instead of one year too late. That's why he's won all those titles. [Mike] Vrabel is chasing a ghost.

Zion Williamson would actually play worse if he lost weight.

I think [Zion Williamson] would actually get worse if he lost weight. There's something about his body. He's got power that he can just jump into. It doesn't look as much like an offensive foul if a fat guy runs into you as opposed to like a big jacked up dude.

Chris Paul essentially has to retire now after being traded to the Thunder.

I actually think Chris Paul has to retire now, right? ... [He'll] get traded to the Oklahoma City Thunder for basically a guy who will hold the ball even more in Russell Westbrook.

Challenges and replay in sports are bad because they prevent fans from complaining about being screwed

I'm firmly in the stance that everyone who wants more replay and more challenges, what you're going to do is you're going to get a world where we can't complain about anything. And watching sports is half of it is winning. And the other half is saying why your team didn't lose. They got screwed.

The Lakers are Anthony Davis' team, not LeBron James'

I mean, it's Anthony Davis' team. LeBron... you know, I wasn't a huge fan of the whole LeBron thing in the first place, and he was all right last year... I'd rather have Kawhi than LeBron, obviously.

If you have a stubborn fart, you should get on all fours like a dog to release it

You know when you've got to really fart bad and you can't and you get on all fours? That's a good position... Someday my son's going to come out and be like, well, dad, why are you on the floor? I got to fart. Son, this is how we fart.

LeBron James no longer controls the NBA like he used to

The immediate reaction that I had was LeBron James does not control this league like he used to.

Lakers Twitter had the worst two-week showing of any fan base in history

Lakers Twitter had the worst two-week showing of any fan base, basically attacking anyone who would say that Kawhi was going anywhere but the Lakers... It was a full-blown, why wouldn't he go to the Lakers? We're the greatest team of all time, even though we haven't made the playoffs in forever.

Peter King is a hypocrite for criticizing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

It is unbelievable to watch where Peter King draws the line. Putting a serial rapist into the Hall of Fame. Okay. Darren Sharper. Eating too many hot dogs on 4th of July? Nuh-uh. Don't do it. Covering a sport for 30, 40 years... where guys are dying from brain injuries... Okay. Watching Joey Chestnut eat 71 hot dogs on July 4th? Uh-uh. That's Peter King's line.

Theon Greyjoy had the best redemption and performance in the Battle of Winterfell

My best performance is Theon. Dude, Theon fought his ass off... Bran did say, you're a good man. Bran was basically like, alright, Theon, you're done.

Tim Howard is the greatest male U.S. soccer player of all time

I would say the greatest, the greatest male U.S. soccer player. Landon Donovan, Kobe Jones, Alexi Lalas, [Dempsey], [Dempsey], Freddie Adu. That's it. That's the list.