Takes

The Steelers locker room culture fell apart because Le'Veon Bell left

The locker room wasn't the locker room until Le'Veon left. Like, Le'Veon is the mediator of everything. He's somebody you want to have in that locker room.

The Brooklyn Nets will be the most combustible team in the East because Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving won't get along

This team [the Nets] is going to be one of the best teams in the East and also one of the most combustible teams in the East because I do not think these guys will get along.

Kemba Walker is a better player than Kyrie Irving

Hank, the Celtics definitely won by getting Kemba... [Hank:] Yes. [Big Cat:] OK. [PFT:] No, I agree with Hank on this take. I think that he's a better fit up there.

Being a 'koozie guy' is a sign of a weak drinker

This might be a controversial take, but I think I'm anti-koozie. Because maybe I'm just a guy that likes to drink his beer fast enough where you don't need a koozie. Maybe koozie is a crutch for the week. It's a participation trophy for drinking a beer like Aaron Rodgers.

Wilt Chamberlain is the greatest basketball player of all time

I think Wilt Chamberlain is the best player. Wilt Chamberlain has 68 of the 72 NBA records... He got 23,000 rebounds.

Kobe Bryant was a more skilled offensive player than Michael Jordan

When I say Kobe is better than Michael Jordan, I'm talking about as far as skilled in the overall game... Kobe can do everything Michael Jordan can do, but he learned how to do it better offensively.

Poutine is not the national food of Canada

Poutine is not the national food of Canada. I have never had poutine before. Now suddenly everybody's Mr. Poutine. This is poutine. This side and the other thing.

NASCAR crew chiefs must bend or break the rules to be successful

If you take a car that's legal from front to back, completely legal through the rule book, you're not going to run very well. You're not going to do well. And the crew chiefs, the crew chief that I want, the team that I want, are the ones that are willing to gamble and be aggressive with the rules, bend the rules, maybe break a few rules, because I know that that's what I'm competing against.

Doc Rivers looked like a better coach when Austin Rivers was on his team because Austin was such a shithead

Doc Rivers appeared to be a better coach when he had his son on the team because his son was such a shithead that if you could squeeze a little bit of blood out of Austin Rivers, then you looked like a fucking genius.

Tim Tebow should be the manager of the New York Mets

There's one clear pathway out of this, and that's Tim Tebow. Why don't they make Tebow the manager? Because he can't hit a baseball. Right. He won't ever threaten to fight a reporter. Right.

The Warriors training staff is sketchy and prioritizes the team over player health

My hot seat is the Warriors training staff. Since the Durant injury, there's been rumors about how Durant was ripshit over the Warriors training staff for kind of lying to him and telling him that the injury wasn't as bad... And Iguodala went on The Breakfast Club today, and he basically revealed himself that he had a fractured leg in the 2018 playoffs, but that was kept under wraps and downplayed.

I hate the Walenda family and their high-wire acts

My other hot seat is the Walendas. I fucking hate those people. I'm so sick of them. It is bullshit that you watch it and you're just hoping [they fall]. And they're on straps and those sisters singing about glory to God the whole time because, you know, really God cares about you being an idiot and walking on a high wire over Times Square.

Rob Gronkowski has an 11% chance of returning to the NFL

If I had to guess, this isn't Rob. This is you. Just guessing. I'd say maybe 11% chance [Gronk returns].

Be fat on your wedding day so you look better for the rest of your life by comparison

Some old man gave me advice on that, too. He said, whenever you get married, make sure you're really fat because then that's the one picture that everyone compares you to the rest of your life. Because that's the one picture you put in your house. It's like you on your wedding day with your wife. And so when you're walking by, they're like, damn.

The super-wealthy will eventually live in biodomes or on Mars

The rich people are going to be living in a biodome. That's a fact. Or on Mars. They're already working on it, dude. It's going to suck for everyone else.

Zion Williamson is the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years

Is Zion Williamson the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years? The most beloved. I'm talking about everyone loves him... universallly sports fans it feels like everyone's rooting for [Zion].

VAR is ruining soccer and we should go back to just complaining about refs

My other fire fest... is robots. Especially VAR robots in the World Cup, in the Women's World Cup. It's ruining soccer. It is absolutely ruining it. I'm actually the mindset that I'm out on instant replay across the board. I think we've gone too far. Fuck the robots. We need to complain about refs.

Women over 34 need backs on barstools, while younger women prefer stools without them

When you have women over 34, you put her back on a barstool... Under 34, you don't. And the reason why is over 34, women get very sensitive about their asses... Under 34, I want you to spin around for interactivity.

Brett Favre would be a better NFL quarterback today because defenders can't touch him

I would actually make the argument that the rules of the game have changed where Brett Favre would probably be a better quarterback right now. Can't touch the quarterback. Just throw the fuck out of the ball downfield and get pass interference.

The MLB draft system is essentially a servitude that hurts the sport

The common theme was you get what the guy got last year, and if you don't accept it, you're greedy... So it basically turned into a servitude. And I really felt that was not good for the game because I felt we're going to lose the great athletes to other sports.

Baseball should adopt an 8-team wildcard 'March Madness' playoff format

My feeling is we have to make the game more competitive... we're going to create a baseball March Madness so that you have the bottom three teams. So you have five, six, and seven. Seven... will play six, one game. Then the winner of that will play team five... Then you get into the divisional playoffs. So you're going to have three days of sudden death Major League Baseball playoffs.

Aaron Rodgers hates and despises Matt LaFleur

Aaron Rodgers, Matt LaFleur, not off to the best start. And I'm not making like a mountain out of a molehill. I think Aaron Rodgers hates Matt LaFleur. Despises him.

Mike Allstott is a sellout because he is a high school coach who doesn't use a fullback

Mike Allstott, one of my heroes, all-time fullback... is a sellout. He's a high school coach, and he doesn't use a fullback in his offense.

Doing LSD with your parents is a high-risk, low-reward proposition

If you do LSD with your parents, your ceiling is having not a bad time... Your basement, your floor is freaking out and irreparably damaging your relationship with your parents.

The Achilles injury should be renamed the 'Kobe Heel'

We need to rebrand the Achilles injury. We named it after a dude that lost a war like 5,000 years ago. And we're still calling it the Achilles. It should be the Kobe heel.

Dabo Swinney should be referred to as 'Osama bin Dabo'

Dabo Swinney said that when he's going on recruiting visits through Alabama, he's got to like duck cover, go in underground tunnels... He said that he is Osama bin Dabo when he's traveling throughout Alabama. So that's a pretty solid quote from Dabo Swinney... Osama bin Dabo is now officially what we're going to call Dabo Swinney from now.

If Brooks Koepka wins the 2019 US Open, he is the 'new Tiger'

I want Brooks to win... If Brooks wins this one, he's the new Tiger. I'm going to say it. He's a Blake and a Tiger and a Brooks.

Donald Trump cheats at golf by giving himself club championships he didn't win

What he does, he plays the first round at any course he opens by himself with Melania in the cart or whoever, and he calls that the club championship... And there was one he won when he was in Philly and the tournament was in Bedminster. And he called and said, well, won the club championship... make me the club champ. Just on his word.

Peyton Manning was good at overthrows, so we should have sent him to visit ISIS

Manning's so good at overthrows. Maybe we should send him to pay a visit to ISIS. Really good joke on my part. About five minutes later [Reilly tweeted]... maybe he should go to the Middle East.

Kevin Durant's 'calf' injury is actually a secret Achilles injury

I'm definitely an Achilles Cav truther now at this point. Because I think that if the injury was as minimal as they made it seem at first, he would have at least tried to play by now.

Tom Cruise is washed up and would lose to Justin Bieber

Bebs is a beast. He's in the prime of his career right now. And Tom Cruise is washed up.

Mark Stevens pushed Kyle Lowry because his 4K technology makes him think the players aren't real

He's exposed to all the finest in 4K 3D technology when it comes to watching these games live. He's probably watched games on his couch where it felt like the players were diving into his living room. So he's probably comfortable shoving at them and getting away with it because they're not real. So when he's at a game, he can't tell what's in the Matrix and what's real life.

Cord cutters are not real sports fans

People who are cord cutters are not sports fans. I'm just going to say it right now. Because you are buffering and you're watching a minute behind. You care more about the money you're saving than sports, than the actual sports and being up to date. You are not a real sports fan.

Paul Pierce is a coward who didn't actually poop his pants in the 2008 Finals

Paul Pierce... I actually don't really buy it. I don't buy it either. I think he admitted as much that he was just using it kind of to get a headline as a joke. ... I think Paul Pierce has just waited till it's been like the tide has turned on it. And he's like, now it's safe to say this. So he's doing it. He's kind of a coward. And he's not only a coward, but he's doing it. And I don't think he actually had to poop his pants. I think he just thought he was really, really injured.

Kobe Bryant is better than LeBron James

If you're a LeBron stan, take a moment, have a little self-reflection, and realize Kobe's better than LeBron.

The Stanley Cup Finals is over and the Bruins will win

Series is over. He [Jordan Binnington] looks very, very shook. He's rattled. They let in seven goals.

The Milwaukee Bucks were lucky to play the Pistons in the first round

Milwaukee's lucky. We played him four times in the regular season, lost all four. But, like, I guarantee you if we play a ninth [game].

If Anthony Joshua loses the rematch to Andy Ruiz Jr., his career is unrecoverable

If Anthony Joshua loses the second time to Andy Ruiz, I don't know how it's recoverable... I don't believe that it would be a stunner if Andy Ruiz is able to do it and repeat what he saw Saturday.

We would easily beat the Warriors if we started the 4th quarter with a 100-point lead

No, easy. We win by 30 [if we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter].

We would still lose to the Warriors even with a 100-point lead in the 4th quarter

I think we would still lose and it would be like hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time.

Doug Gottlieb is classless for blaming RJ Hampton's parents for his decision to play in New Zealand

To call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move, dude. Just a weird, weird move... it's a crazy move to call an 18-year-old a douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself.

I agree with Scottie Pippen's decision to sue a five-year-old for drawing on his walls

Scottie Pippen... he's suing a five-year-old. But I read it, and I actually agree with him. So essentially... the people trashed the house, and part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls, and it was most likely a five-year-old. So boom, you're getting sued. I like that.

I cucked Coach Cal, Coach K, and Bill Self by signing RJ Hampton to the New Zealand Breakers

I think it's safe to say that we cucked the shit out of Coach Cal, Coach K, and Bill Self all in one fell swoop. We made a damn strong offer, Big Cat. A damn strong offer.

I can get Big Cat a six-pack in one summer of training

If you come and spend a summer out here in Cali, how about I could show you guys? [Can you get me shredded in a summer?] Yeah. [Six-pack?] In a summer of training? Yeah.

Kawhi Leonard is gone from Toronto no matter what happens in the Finals

I think he's gone no matter what. I think he's made up his mind already no matter what. There could be a world where he's like, I really love it in Toronto, but losing or winning the finals won't change that.

Joey Salads having sex thousands of times without a pregnancy means he has 'beta sperm'

Actually, admitting that you've never gotten pregnant when your main point is just pulling out. That tells me you've got beta sperm, bro. You got a little tiny dead fish in there.

The Giants are bad at collecting accurate intel on other teams' draft boards

The Daniel Jones thing, look, I think the Giants don't do a good job of finding out accurate information that other teams can do... When he [Gettleman] talked about the Redskins and the Broncos, that's not true... I think they could have waited past six [to draft Daniel Jones].

The take that the Warriors are better without Kevin Durant is starting to look true

The kernel, the little fucking seed that got planted a few weeks ago, has now become a full tree, a take tree. Are the Warriors better without Kevin Durant? It is a full-blown take tree. It's the tree that's dropping shit on your car now because you can't go anywhere without seeing this take. And it's starting to look kind of true.

St. Louis Cardinals fans have been pieces of shit forever

The St. Louis-Chicago rivalry, St. Louis Cardinals fans have been pieces of shit forever with the way they treat Cubs. Best fans in baseball. Careful. Anyone who's listening right now is a Cardinals fan. They'll admit this. They made all the jokes. They said the Cubs would never win one.

Adam Gase is the most paranoid person in the world and hiring him is a massive mistake

One other high-level evaluator with a different team said that this is the biggest mistake anyone in the NFL has made in years. Gase is crazy. He's the most paranoid person in the world. This will be like Todd Haley on crack.