Takes

Mitch Trubisky is now the number one quarterback of the 2017 draft class following Deshaun Watson's injury

I think you have to give it to [Mitch Trubisky] at this point [as the number one quarterback in the 2017 draft].

The Jimmy Garoppolo trade is the beginning of the end for the Patriots dynasty

This started a chain of events that is going to end the Patriots dynasty... Belichick was basically cut out of this, right? So Belichick's pissed... and then he's going to resign. Okay. And then that's the end of it.

Botching the AJ McCarron trade was actually the Browns' best personnel move in five years

The fuck up of not being able to get [AJ McCarron] on your team if you're the Browns, that might actually be the best personnel move that the Browns have made in the last five years.

Men's college basketball is more physical than the NBA

Every NBA coach will tell you that men's college basketball is more physical than the NBA... they still let you beat the shit out of each other instead of calling the fouls that they call in the NBA.

Tom Brady has trained his brain to be anti-concussion

He's got an anti-concussion brain because of the thoughts he has. Yes, he's trained his brain not to get hurt... Imagine if he drank some of Russell Wilson's concussion water. He'd be unstoppable.

NFL catch rules are bullshit after the Zach Miller non-touchdown

I am still so fucking mad about Zach Miller and that catch that wasn't a catch that was a catch. And I know, I know that this is, you know, the Calvin Johnson rule... but this is fucking bullshit. And it's the reason why, even though I love sports, I hate sports... I was that mad that Zach Miller broke his leg for nothing.

Roger Goodell is incompetent for not having blackmail on Jerry Jones

If you want to point your finger at [Goodell] for one thing... it's his complete negligence and incompetence for not being able to pick up any sort of compromising material on Jerry Jones... He's really not that difficult to compromise.

The 2017 World Series baseballs are 100% juiced

There is zero chance these balls have not been altered. You got guys talking about it. The guys who rub these things up are telling you they feel different. They look different... You can't even get ink to set in these things because they're cue balls, bro.

Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback than Ben Roethlisberger during the Steelers' first Super Bowl run

Ben Roethlisberger, people forget Ben Roethlisberger, his first couple years, he was really bad. That Super Bowl he won, the first one. Honestly, Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback.

Koalas mostly have chlamydia and can transmit it through their urine

You know that koalas have chlamydia? Most of them have chlamydia, and if they pee on you, they'll give you chlamydia.

It is safer to be shot without a shirt on to avoid getting clothing fibers in the wound

I think it [a bullet] would pass through you cleaner. Because if you're wearing a shirt, you get the shirt fibers inside your body.

Asparagus is poison and green vegetables are generally bad for you

Asparagus is poison. Green vegetables are poison... It's the worst vegetable. Like asparagus is disgusting. And then you eat it and your body's like, yo, dude, just a reminder what you just ate. That was really disgusting. Here's some disgusting piss.

Neil Armstrong spelled backwards is 'Alien'

Neil Armstrong. First person walking the moon, right?... Neil A. Spelled backwards. Alien.

I stand by the totality of my work despite previous offensive comments used to cancel the show

I've said many things that I'm sure if you showed to me today, I'd be like, eh, probably not the best. But I think more than anything, more than like one tweet or one word you said, you should be judged by the totality of everything you've done. And I will stand by everything I've done at Barstool. I'll stand by the platform that it's given me. I'll stand by the audience that I've built.

ESPN mismanaged the Barstool deal by putting the show on the air when they knew they couldn't handle the internal pressure

I really wish ESPN had stood tall on it because I think it was shitty that they put us on, and then they basically took us off. When they knew that this all could come brewing, they should have just never put us on to begin with. It was mismanaged from the beginning.

Losing the Super Bowl is better than winning because you avoid the Super Bowl winner hangover

You know what my favorite take of the week might have been? It was one of the Boston sports guys. They said that it's almost better to lose the Super Bowl because you don't get a Super Bowl hangover if you lose it. And so it didn't really work out that way this weekend.

Clayton Kershaw will never 'suck' in the playoffs again

When are we going to see playoff Kershaw where he just sucks and gives up mammoth home runs and we all get to laugh on Twitter? Never.

Lonzo Ball will have 24 points, 8 rebounds, and 6 assists tonight

I'm going to go ahead and say Lonzo Ball tonight, 24 points. Eight rebounds, six assists.

John Calipari will be the next coach of the Phoenix Suns

Now that they fired their coach and there's trouble in paradise, you think of what I'm thinking? Coach Cal. Brandon Knight, Eric Bledsoe, Devin Booker, Tyler Ulis... All went to Kentucky.

85% of The Ringer's basketball podcasters are 'hipsters' who rely too much on stats

85% of the people that are on the Ringer podcast discussing basketball, they're hipsters. In terms of the stat, stat, stat... I want an eye test. I don't want geometry. Can you play or can you not play?

Bill Simmons' HBO show was 'trash' from the first interview

I did his HBO show, which I knew was trash. I knew which we all knew was trash from the first interview from the first person... I knew that when I watched the Simmons thing, everybody knew, because there was so much anticipation and hype, and because he left ESPN, you knew... yo, this is in deep shit.

Kevin Durant lacks the clutch gene and cannot win a championship as the alpha on a team

Kevin Durant lacks the clutch gene. Doesn't get the ball off on time. [He will never win an NBA championship] where he's the alpha on the team. Beta ball.

The Yankees are going to win the World Series because they have 'the look'

The Yankees, I think, are going to win the World Series. I'm actually going to say that right now. I think they have what we call the look. I was going to say the aura, actually.

Maryland football will become a contender in the Big Ten under DJ Durkin

I think if DJ Durkin stays, that there'll be a time not too far from now when not just the Minnesotas of the world that you beat, maybe you can step up. I'm telling you.

The Giants are probably better without Odell Beckham Jr.

Should we just embrace debate right now? Are the Giants better without Odell Beckham? Hmm. Probably.

Instant replay should be abolished in sports

I think we should actually get rid of instant replay. All together, just give it all the power back to the refs and the umps... I feel like I watch instant replays more than I watch sports now.

The MLB playoffs are rigged for big markets

The final four cities represented in baseball, New York, L.A., Chicago, Houston. Those are the four biggest cities in America. The four biggest markets... Bud Selig at it again.

Cam Newton stinks again

Cam Newton stinks again. Well, that's not entirely true. Okay. He kind of stinks. He likes to go up and down. I feel like when Cam, when everyone's like, ooh, Cam's putting it all together. He's like, hey, guys, watch this. Hey, hold my avocado. Watch this. Because he's a millennial. He's going to fucking just throw three interceptions and look like trash.

Mark Brunell is dead to Jaguars fans because he cried on TV

This is actually a fun fact for most Jaguars fans out there. Mark Brunell's dead to us. Yeah, because he cried... about football... you can't cry about that.

LeBron James should play for the US Men's Soccer team

LeBron actually should play for us. If you were to take the best NFL athletes... could the Chiefs qualify for the World Cup under the instruction of Andy Reid?

The 'Golden Age' of podcasts is over now that people are making wedding planning podcasts

The couple that met because one was a fan of his podcast and then they're getting married and they're creating a podcast together about going through the wedding planning. That right there is like if you could think of the most stereotypical podcast podcast. It is over, boys. It is all done.

The Chargers won the Eli Manning-Philip Rivers trade once and for all

Odell Beckham, more like 0-5, Odell Beckham. The Giants remain winless, and the Chargers win the Eli Manning-Philip Rivers trade once and for all.

JJ Watt might legitimately be forced into retirement by this injury

It's a tibial plateau fracture and as somebody with Google I can now report with confidence that he's fucked... This might be like legit retirement for J.J. Watt. Not Players' Tribune fakery.

Washington sports teams will win the World Series and Stanley Cup this year

Washington is back. It's the Nats year. It's the Caps year... So they're going to win the World Series. They're going to win the Stanley Cup.

Andrew Luck is not a Super Bowl winning quarterback because he orders chicken at steakhouses

I asked what Andrew Luck's order was [at St. Elmo's], and they said he usually gets chicken. So that's been my big red flag. My one red flag is he orders chicken at a steakhouse. That's not a Super Bowl-winning quarterback.

Dirk Koetter is a trash head coach

I think I officially am saying Dirk Koetter's trash. And I'm basing this off one game that I watched. It was a primetime game... Dirk Koetter, you are in the trash pile.

High school is useless and you don't learn anything you use as an adult

I'm kind of in agreement with [LaVar Ball] because who needs high school? Name one thing that you learned in high school that you used today. That's what I thought. No. You don't learn shit in high school.

Jared Goff is a league MVP candidate

Jared Goff, league MVP candidate. Jared Goff, actually good. I love seeing this because everyone who jumped off the Jared Goff bandwagon, you go fuck yourself.

Alabama's second string could win the SEC

Alabama debates are back... could Alabama's second team win the SEC? Because they're deep. Real deep... the Hawaiian quarterback [Tua Tagovailoa], the second string, it would be unbelievable.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the new J.J. Watt of milking injuries for attention

Odell might be the new J.J. Watt in terms of always being injured and showing how he's in. He has the injuries that he then plays through those injuries. Kind of a Tiger Woods thing... oh, my finger. Wow, let's do a million sideline reports on my finger while I keep playing.

Tony Romo misses almost all of his in-game predictions

He gets a lot of predictions wrong. That's the one thing that they've said about Tony that he's really good at is making predictions, but they don't talk about how he misses almost all of them.

Duke is dirty but Mike Krzyzewski is too powerful to be caught

Duke, so here's my fear with Duke. Duke is dirty as hell... Krzyzewski is such a godfather and has this figured out so well. Like, I think it's impossible to get to him. And I'm sort of worried it's impossible they'll ever get to Cal, too.

Coach K cheated in the 2015 National Championship game by pressuring referees at halftime

In the 2015 National Championship game against Wisconsin, Wisconsin was dominating the game, and at halftime, Coach K went and talked to the refs, and they called 13 fouls against Wisconsin in the second half, even though they averaged 12 fouls a game, so he obviously was cheating.

Khloe Kardashian lied about being pregnant just because she was jealous of Kylie's announcement

Khloe is super, super old and has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. I think she was so mad that Kylie announced she got pregnant, she just said she went too.

Randy Moss is the most talented wide receiver that has ever played the game

I knew he was probably the most talented wide receiver that's ever played the game. Because he was that rare. But all the other things in his football brain is what knew that, man, this kid is really, really special.

Colin Kaepernick doesn't have the personality to effectively verbalize his cause

I just don't think he has the personality. I think that it's very, very rare that you see someone take such a prominent position on something that's really profound and not really necessarily have the personality that would allow them to be able to verbalize it... when you can't communicate with the general public of what your cause is and your reasoning, it's not going to endear people to what you're trying to say.

Colin Kaepernick is a starting-level upgrade for 4 to 5 NFL teams right now

How many teams in the league right now do you think he would be an upgrade for at the starting quarterback position? Well, you can go through them. At least four or five. I mean, you don't have to leave New York. I mean, Josh McCown. I mean, my goodness.

Every professional athlete needs a 'common sense guy' in their crew to keep them out of trouble

Out of your crew, have one guy that's got some common sense... you need a tech guy. You need a driver. One guy to do the troll accounts. Social media.

The 0-3 Giants have the league right where they want them and will win the Super Bowl

Do the Giants have everyone right where they want them? Because this feels like one of those stupid years where everyone's like, Eli's the worst quarterback ever, and then they'll just finish 9-7 and somehow win the Super Bowl.

Sam Darnold isn't actually good, he just throws 'good looking' interceptions

I also have a theory that I'm working on that Sam Darnold's not actually good, but his interceptions look good. So even when he makes a bad play, you're like, this guy's good.