Takes

Tom Brady uses the concussion excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt. And Brady's like, yeah, I'm dealing with a lot of concussions, babe.

Men wearing rompers will get laid more because everyone can see their package

Actually, this is a combo hot seat cool throne for guys with big dicks because hot seat, you might just be flashing people with your romper cool throne. Everyone can see your big dick. Probably can get laid more.

LeVar Ball's exploitation of his son Lonzo is bothersome

I don't know what [Lonzo Ball] is all about up here because of his dad. His dad gives me the willies. Parents like that really bother me, just trying to exploit their kids like that.

The Yankees are actually better without Derek Jeter

Kind of strange how the Yankees started winning after [Jeter] retired. Are the Yankees better without Derek Jeter?

The Warriors' championship will have an asterisk because they cheated by injuring Kawhi Leonard

The Warriors were dead, and then they decided to cheat and came back to life... I, for one, am very happy that this happened because now I'm ready to put an asterisk on the Warriors championship. Just like that. They had a cakewalk through the West. They ran into a hobbled Spurs team.

Triple-doubles are actually a sign of a bad team and poor role players

20 of the 23 NBA players who recorded a triple-double have been eliminated from the playoffs. [PFT]: So, turns out triple doubles are actually bad. Really bad... These guys are jacks of all trade, masters of none. You need role players on your team.

The Capitals will never win anything with Alex Ovechkin

The Capitals continually disappoint you. You know that they're never going to do anything with Ovechkin.

Derek Jeter is jealous of A-Rod's business success with A-Rod Corp

I think that's the bottom of it, is that Derek Jeter is jealous of all of the business success A-Rod Corp has had... They sold like 50 golf shirts. He had lunch with his little girls the other day. Meanwhile, Derek Jeter can't buy the Marlins.

If you get injured outside of your sport, you should have to play that other sport until you get a sports-related injury

I've always said that if you get injured in a manner outside of the sport that you play, you should be forced to continue playing the sport until you develop a sports-related injury. So this guy, [Tyson Barrie], he got hurt wrestling... keep skating out there until it devolves into a massive hockey injury.

The Washington Capitals will advance to the Stanley Cup Finals

I'm pre-planning out tonight's game with the Rangers and the Senators. I'm like, okay, so we've got to have the Rangers win. That way I can go to all the Caps games in New York City for the Eastern Conference Finals, and then we're going to skate through them... [I] will be using Upside.com for the Washington Capitals in the Stanley Cup Finals.

The Cavaliers only won the 2016 NBA Finals because of Draymond Green's suspension and Andrew Bogut's injury

I really don't think Cleveland wins if Draymond doesn't get suspended and Bogut doesn't get hurt. So sometimes you've got to have, like, a little luck in the playoffs. Not to say that Cleveland didn't deserve to win. I think they did... But, I mean, it's just – you can't really decide, like, who's going to win the finals until you actually get to that point.

The Raptors are a joke of a franchise

I got a little heat back from my take the other day that the Raptors are just a joke of a franchise. I don't mean it in a mean way. It's just facts are facts. When you think of the Raptors, you think of Vince Carter winning a dunk title and then getting swept.

Bees aren't actually dying at an alarming rate

And people keep saying that they're dying at an alarming rate like you did. But I don't think that they are. I'm woke on the whole bee thing, the whole bee scare of 2016.

Barry Bonds is the best player that ever stepped foot in a batter's box

Barry Bonds is not even remotely close. Remotely close is the best player that ever stepped foot in a box. That guy, when the ball was an inch outside, he knew it. Steroids doesn't give you Superman eyes.

MLB locker rooms shouldn't allow bloggers or fanboys inside

They're letting a lot of people in the clubhouses that shouldn't be in the clubhouses... They're letting guys in there that have no fucking clue. Fanboys. I don't respect those guys until they give me the respect back.

The Raptors are a joke of a franchise

The Raptors are a joke. I love our Canadian listeners, but the Raptors are a joke of a franchise. Can we just agree with that?

There is a chance the world ends before 2018

Yeah, of course. I mean, [fifth-year option money] is money that I will probably never see. I think it's for like 2018. I think there's a chance that it [the world] could [end]. Either that or something else could happen.

Tyronn Lue has Stockholm Syndrome and has absorbed LeBron James's mentality

It sounds to me like he [Tyronn Lue] has Stockholm Syndrome. Because this is something that LeBron James would say about himself. Like, leading this Cavs team is the hardest job... I think he's kind of absorbed his stars mentality a little bit.

The red bathing suit Instagram campaign is a viral ad for the Baywatch movie

The Baywatch movie is coming out in like a month... This is a viral ad for the Baywatch movie. This is easy. This is too easy.

Sidney Crosby was only injured because the Penguins lack an enforcer

The real issue is Sidney Crosby only got hit in his head like that because there's not as much fighting in hockey as there used to be... the Penguins, they're too big of pussies. And they have no enforcer, so they are the ones that got Sidney Crosby injured.

Trading Jimmy Butler would be 'categorically insane' for the Bulls

The idea of trading Jimmy Butler is so absolutely categorically insane.

John Fox will be fired as Bears head coach by the end of the year

I think John Fox, I'm going to call it right now, he's going to get fired at the end of the year because Ryan Pace basically has built the team around someone else.

T.Y. Hilton's son will date Riley Curry in 15 years

Also, I just want to make a prediction. Within, I'm going to say 10 to 15 years, T.Y. Hilton's kid is going to be dating Riley Curry. I just want to put that out there. I think that's the next sports power couple.

Gareon Conley is better off in Las Vegas than Cleveland

Do you think that [Gareon] Conley's going to be better off getting away from Cleveland where there's all these nightlife and temptations and all that and going to a low-key place like Las Vegas? I think that'll keep him in line... The desert heat might dry you out. Stay out of trouble.

Terrell Owens' locker room issues were his own fault

If it happens once, then it's kind of overblown. If it happens twice, let's kind of see what's going on. If it happens more than three times, then sometimes it's maybe not anyone else. It may be you... [His antics] wasn't such a problem until it hit the media. Then now he has to defend himself in the media.

Russell Westbrook distrusts his teammates more than any player I've ever seen

I don't think I've ever seen—and don't tell him I said this because he'll get very upset at me—I don't think I've ever seen one player distrust his teammates more than Russell Westbrook. Unbelievable season, but he really was like, these guys fucking suck, and I need to make sure they never get the ball.

Davis Webb could potentially be a first-round pick

Davis Webb. Potentially going in the first round. Some teams really, really like him. Character-wise, he's great. It's interesting. When they study the tape, they say Cal's offense looked better for him than it did for Jared Goff last year.

The NBA first round this year has been far superior to the NHL first round

The NBA first round this year has been far superior to the NHL first round. I know there's been a lot of overtime games, but like you said, there's no Game 7s. And the NBA feels like... last year was really bad. This year, there have been some really compelling stories, and we have a lot of fights going on.

I was a better prospect than the players drafted ahead of me in the 2005 NFL Draft

I saw guys coming off the board in front of me that i knew i was better than and i got upset and i was pissed. ... first-round talent on the field. Undrafted baggage off the field.

Turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have

I'll say this turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have in your life.

The Nashville Predators are my pick to come out of the Western Conference

I mean, I like St. Louis, too, but I think Nashville just looks too good right now. That's who I would pick.

LeBron James feels scripted and forced compared to the cool cockiness of Michael Jordan

I respect [LeBron] as an athlete... I just feel like he's a little scripted. Everything he does is calculated where I feel like people compare him to Jordan where I'm like, Jordan was so much cooler. He just carried that cool cockiness where I feel like, it's forced by LeBron.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

The Maple Leafs play hockey like kids having sex

I will say this about the Maple Leafs. They... play hockey like their kids, like the same way that kids have sex. ... kids get out there and they start fucking and they're like, I'm going to go a million miles an hour and just go fast and score. That's what the Leafs do. So they come out and they skate too fast and they go a hundred miles an hour. They'll burn out.

Oakland is a bad sports town

Oakland's a bad sports town. Derek Carr said that fans that don't follow the Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas aren't good fans. ... You have to admit that he's right. ... Oakland has... a big enough sense entitlement as it is. ... Oakland come on get your shit together.

The San Antonio River Walk is overrated and trashy

They are very proud of Alamo and a river that has trash in it. ... The river walk's overrated. ... Every building is gray and it's never sunny.

Phil Jackson is actively trying to get fired by the Knicks to get a settlement

Phil Jackson is actively just trying to screw up as much as he can on purpose... Everything that you thought that Phil could do to try to get fired and get a big settlement, he has done it.

The Falcons technically won the Super Bowl according to Bill Belichick's math

[Belichick's] exact quote was really at halftime the game is two thirds over because the fourth quarter is just situational football. So spin zone, the Falcons technically won the Super Bowl.

Eli Manning definitely committed fraud with the game-worn gear scandal

He did commit fraud. That's okay. What he should do is just come out and be like, hey, guys, I committed fraud. That's on me.

Swallowing dip spit is significantly worse than drinking pee

I would... I would beer bong three solid urination trips over taking one sip of dip, spit, and swallowing.

The Cavaliers are scared of the Bulls and punted the number one seed to avoid them

Are the Cavs scared of the Bulls? Because it all signs point to yes they have punted on the number one seed which means we have the inter podcast matchup Celtics-Bulls.

If forced to pick a sleeper team, the Wizards are the only other team with a chance

If I have to name one [other team to win], Wizards.

Tony Romo is a coward if he doesn't check into the Mavericks game

I'd just like to say that if Tony Romo doesn't play, if he doesn't choose coach out to get in that game, he's a coward. Doesn't love the game.

Sergio Garcia will repeat as Masters champion next year

I'm going to plant my flag in the ground right now and call it. I actually think Sergio is going to repeat next year. Okay, I think he's going back to back Masters.

Jordan Spieth should keep losing The Masters so he doesn't have to take his hat off and show he's balding

When you don't win the Masters, you don't have to take off your hat and show everyone that you're 23 years old and already balding... Like, until you get the hair plugs, until you're ready to take the leap and get the hair plugs, maybe just keep losing Masters so you don't have to take the hat off.

The Pimento Cheese sandwich at Augusta is overrated

I'm on record as saying it's not my thing. I tried it because it's like, hey, when in Rome, but when I... I'm a consistency person, and if I don't like the consistency then I'm just not going to be able to get with it, and pimento and cheese just doesn't work for me.

Tiger Woods will never win the Masters again

Do I think he's going to win this tournament again? I don't. No, I don't think he's going to.

Jimmy Butler has only been the 23rd or 24th best player in the league this year

Jimmy Butler, he's played like a... 23rd, 24th best player in the league type this year, about exactly where I thought he would be.

In the Eastern Conference playoffs, you should always bet against teams wearing red

All the red teams are pretty much the same team. They might win one playoff series. If you're the Heat, if you're the Raptors, if you're the Bulls, if you're the Hawks, you're going to win maybe one series and then you're done... Always bet against Red.

Men and women can't be friends unless they are having sex

Can guys and girls be friends? No. Unless they're fucking. Then they're really good friends.