Takes

Tony Romo will not be a good broadcaster

Tony... he's not going to be – I don't think he's going to be very good in the broadcast booth. Hot take, Tony Romo is not – this is the classic media loving the guy who smiled a lot, who had his backwards hat... who answered questions, and was generally likable.

Phil Mickelson intentionally reported Lexi Thompson's rules violation to ensure the PGA Tour was on notice

I think Phil Mickelson called in this rules violation ahead of the Masters to make sure everybody was on their game. ... Also stay woke. Maybe he was just making this quote to get the headlines that he paid $2 million to his bookie last year, pushed down a little bit on the Google search results.

Gino Auriemma was secretly happy UConn lost to relieve the pressure of the win streak

I think Gino [Auriemma] was actually happy they lost that game. Well, if you saw after the shot went in, his immediate reaction was a smile. Right. So it took all the pressure off.

South Carolina is a guaranteed winner in the Final Four

Bet it on South Carolina. That's a guaranteed winner. Let's go.

Sheetz is definitively better than Wawa

I do think Sheetz is better than Wawa. That's the Homer in me.

The Celtics can beat the Cavaliers in a seven-game series with home-court advantage.

Do you think the Celtics can beat the Cavs in a seven-game series? Yes. With home advantage? Yes.

Bill Belichick already has conditions on the Browns' number one overall pick for a Jimmy Garoppolo trade.

I think that it's Belichick's pick if he wants it for Garoppolo. Belichick's just such a dick that he institutes his own conditions on other teams' draft picks before he even takes them. So he's like, I'm going to take that draft pick from you, but my condition is you're not allowed to talk about your draft pick.

Tony Romo is the biggest sucker alive for believing Jerry Jones would be loyal to him.

Is Tony Romo the last person in the world to realize this was what was going to happen? He's like a high schooler in this situation. He actually thought that Jerry Jones was going to be like, hey, Tony, don't worry. We'll take care of you, man. We're not going to do what's in the best interest of the Dallas Cowboys.

Coach K will retire in four or five years

My guess is like four years or so, four or five, but you never know... Four to five years. I don't know, but that's my guess.

It is a near certainty that college players will eventually boycott a game

I do think as the players, as we go forward, the players are getting more sort of socially aware and their awareness of their power in the marketplace is becoming greater. I think we'll see at some point somebody will boycott. I don't know when it's going to come, but I think it's a near certainty it's going to happen.

The Golden State Warriors are soft 'candy-ass'

If you can put a live cam on Steph Curry and the rest of the soft candy-ass Golden State Warriors watching the finals that they should be in. That would be great.

The Golden State Warriors are baby back bitches

Anytime the Warriors get discussed on this show, it gets hot. Because they're baby back bitches.

Javi Baez is going to get a fastball in the ear hole for his showboating

I want to put one in Javi by his ear hole... and you better believe that he's going to get one in his ear hole soon. You see him he was like celebrating as he was tagging the other day... You don't go around another man's tag... Tebow's never been to—say what you want about Tim Tebow but he wouldn't showboat when he was getting to third base for the first time.

Coach K will retire this offseason

Coach K's 70. Coach K's going to retire. Oh, this offseason. That's the new rumor. This is the year.

Jay Wright is a big-time choker if you take away his one ring

Jay Wright on CBS coverage... People forget if you take away that one ring, it's a big-time choker.

Michigan will win the national championship

I got them [Michigan] winning national championship. I don't know if McAfee kept it... But I got them winning national championship because of all that stuff.

Steve Alford will be the next coach at Indiana

I think Alford's going to be the coach, but they'll probably talk to him [Marshall], probably. I would think.

I'm officially done with people laughing at Bill Murray just for being Bill Murray

I don't hate Bill Murray at all. I hate what Bill Murray has become. I was a year ahead of the curve on this. So last year when I said this, you guys were like, what's going on? Bill Murray's the best. And now I think people are starting to realize that just because Bill Murray shows up at your bar mitzvah drunk doesn't mean he's pulling off some great comedic stuff. I'm just done with people laughing at Bill Murray for being Bill Murray.

Tom Crean is a good coach, but his 'stupid face' makes it impossible to survive a bad season

I'm going to miss Tom Crean. I said it before he was getting fired. Unfortunately, what happened to Tom Crean, I don't think he's that bad of a coach. He's a pretty good recruiter. But if you have a bad season and you have a stupid fucking face, it's impossible to overcome that.

Malcolm Butler will be traded to the Saints for the 32nd overall pick

Pardon My Take broke some news. And the news hasn't actually happened yet. The news was that Malcolm Butler is being dealt to the Saints for the 32nd overall pick. I stand by our story. Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean that it's not going to. So when it happens tomorrow, just make sure when Schefter starts tweeting about it, you let him know this is broken by Pardon My Take 24 hours ago.

Wisconsin being an 8-seed is the worst injustice in college basketball history

This is the worst season of the tournament of my lifetime. This is the worst injustice in college basketball history. Wisconsin swept Minnesota. They finished second in the Big Ten in the regular season, and then they were the runner-ups in the Big Ten tournament. And then Minnesota gets a 5 seed, and Wisconsin got an 8 seed. I don't understand it.

Eddie Lacy is only signing with the Seahawks for a Skittles sponsorship

Lacey might just be angling for a Skittles sponsorship. So we saw Marshawn's locker. Maybe Marshawn's locker is still filled with Skittles, and Lacey was like, you guys don't even have to pay me as long as I can live in this locker.

Some college coaches will 'cover the spread' to keep their alumni happy

I think the answer to your question is yes. I don't want to hedge on it. I think that there have been coaches certainly in the past who would cover for the alumni in a certain situation.

The Washington Redskins are the worst organization in professional sports

I mean, i think that they're the worst organization in pro sports name me one that's worse than the Redskins... the Browns are above the Redskins right now.

Performance-enhancing drug use in sports is the moral equivalent of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme

I am opposed to performance-enhancing drug use because in competition where you have a level playing field because that world is the same as what Bernie Madoff did. Because Bernie Madoff, he lied. He cheated, he stole, and he bullied his way to the top.

ESPN on-air personalities are 'snowflakes' on the hot seat due to massive impending cuts

My hot seat is all the snowflake on-air personalities at ESPN. Big time cuts coming soon.

The Number 37 car will win the NASCAR race in Las Vegas this Sunday

We have a Natty Light Barstool race car in the Cobalt 400 on Sunday. We're going to be live there... Number 37 car. He's going to win. I feel good about it. I'm going to guarantee it for him. ... We personally guarantee number 37 car is going to win on Sunday.

Hometown saviors always work out well for the Cleveland Browns

He said that he would go play in Cleveland. He's a hometown kid. We all know that hometown quarterbacks work out really well for Cleveland. They're always saviors.

It is perfectly acceptable to take your shoes off on a cross-country flight

I always take my shoes off when I'm sitting on a very long flight, and I know my socks are clean... i don't care it's okay travel i've always said travel is one of those things where you just put your head down you worry about yourself don't don't look up if you want to take your shoes out that's fine

Kevin Durant will never be 100% for the rest of the season

I'm banking on Kevin Durant never being 100% for the rest of the year. Do you think the Warriors are now vulnerable, or is that just wishful thinking from someone who's a Warrior hater?

LeBron James reading 'The Godfather' while walking is a calculated camera stunt

Did you see last night LeBron walking from the bus to the locker room reading The Godfather? And did you also think that was the lamest, most ridiculous thing you've ever seen in your entire life?... He was doing it for camera. He wasn't actually reading.

DeMarcus Cousins will fail in New Orleans because he blames others for his problems

It does feel like he's the type of guy that blames everyone else for his problems because the refs are on him and his teammates stink... It feels like it's not going to work in New Orleans. It feels like he's that type of guy who's like, I'm so talented and the world kind of owes me something.

The 49ers having no quarterbacks is liberating for Kyle Shanahan's play-calling

If you don't have any quarterbacks on your roster, then there's no chance that Kyle Shanahan is going to be able to call too many passing plays late in a game that they're winning... Shanahan's just taking away his ability to throw the ball too much.

The New York Knicks are the NBA team I would coach (kidding)

[What NBA team would you coach?] The Knicks. Madison Square Garden. But we're kidding, of course, because I don't want to leave.

Adrian Peterson's NFL career is basically over

I think Adrian Peterson's career is... it's pretty much a career for him... he hitting his kid with a switch... he doesn't catch the ball that often. He doesn't run the ball out of shotgun. This isn't the NFL for him.

John Calipari will stay at Kentucky until he retires, then go into broadcasting or politics

I actually think he'll retire here and then he'll go into broadcasting. Or he talks about privately running for Senate. And I know that seems crazy, but I could totally see him in four years running against Mitch McConnell.

Shaquille O'Neal is a victim of 'athlete funny' and is not actually humorous

Shaq has always been a victim of athlete funny. Where someone in the locker room once told Shaq he was funny, and he has gone with that throughout his whole career thinking he is actually humorous, and people want to hear Shaq tell jokes when in reality he's not funny.

LaVar Ball is like a bird that sits on a rhino and shits everywhere

[Lonzo Ball's] father is going to be over his shoulder the whole time. His father is like one of those birds that sits on the back of a rhino and shits everywhere. That's what he's going to be.

Adam Schefter is a system newsbreaker who can't report NBA trades

It's a really tough day, though, for Adam Schefter. He got scooped on every NBA trade today. He didn't report a single one of them. So you got to think, is Adam Schefter a system newsbreaker?

Wikipedia pages are better than the books they are based on

A lot of nerds out there like to say, oh, the book was better than the movie. Guess what? The Wikipedia page was better than the book. Correct.

The bench press is the only true measure of an alpha male and a quarterback's locker room command

Mitch Trubisky... he's not benching. I would bench so hard if I was that. That would be the only thing I would train for. That's really the only thing that you can measure man to man is the bench press. Who's the bigger man? How much can you bench? Alpha dog shit. Right, and you're looking for a quarterback? You want a guy that commands the locker room, a guy that benches more than everybody.

John Calipari will leave Kentucky for the Pelicans to escape looming NCAA sanctions

He needs to get out of town, needs to go to the NBA... The NCAA sanctions are about to hit Kentucky. That's a fact. I'm just calling that right now. So he needs to get out of town, needs to go to the NBA... Be a perfect fit for the Pelicans. You've got two of his best players from college that are playing there.

Bear Weather is a myth and is not worth a single point

Bear weather is not worth one point... Sabermetrics. It is not worth one point... How in the world is the cold weather or anything else going to be worth any points? Americans have to stand in the same weather.

Marc Trestman was the worst Bears coach of all time

Mark Trestman was the worst of all time, and I'm still pissed at him. [Briggs]: I do not deny.

Clay Travis will definitely use WNBA sexuality statistics to argue straight people are being persecuted

I'm guaranteeing that Clay Travis—I'm going to call my shot here. Clay Travis is going to use these statistics for a future column talking about how straight people are persecuted. Because, hey, did you hear? 98% of the WNBA is gay.

Tiger Woods will never win another major

Tiger's never coming back... I would love to see him win a major, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Flacco had the greatest playoff run I've ever seen on the way to Super Bowl 47, and his hair is elite

His hair is elite. Not as elite as yours, but his hair is elite. [Joe Flacco] had the greatest run I've ever seen on the way to Super Bowl 47.

Carmelo Anthony's legacy is choosing the most money over winning championships

Thoughts and prayers to the man [Carmelo Anthony] who has taken every single dollar at every turn in his career instead of maybe trying to win a championship... He took the most amount of money to stay in the dumpster fire that is New York. That's kind of your situation, Melo.

Tony Romo will sign with the Los Angeles Rams

I think he's going to the Los Angeles Rams. Sleeper.

The NFL should build stadiums for teams so they don't have to move

They should stay. The NFL should build them a stadium. I mean, damn, the NFL making all this money, man. Build your teams a stadium so they don't have to move. Try that. They're making billions and they want taxpayers to pay for it.