Takes

Autoplay videos are good because they remind you to close old browser tabs

I keep tabs open, about eight tabs at a time, and most of the tabs are open for about six hours. If you have an autoplay video that starts after three hours of me being on that website—it reminds me to close out the tab.

LeBron James is a coward for not participating in the NBA Dunk Contest

LeBron James that's not in the dunk contest again. Kind of a coward move. Michael Jordan was in the dunk contest. Back in the day, you had your best athletes in it. Vince Carter. You had your Vinces, your J.R. Smiths. You had everybody.

Paul Tagliabue is the smartest person in the world for making Roger Goodell his concussion scapegoat

Paul Tagliabue basically said, I've known about concussions forever, but I kind of don't want to be asked about this anymore. So here, Roger Goodell, you look stupid enough to take this job and have everyone come at you and hate you. And that's exactly what happened. So he's actually the smartest person in the world.

Vin Scully will die once baseball season starts or sometime in the middle of summer

He's going to die once baseball season starts. Well, he's going to—he has to do at least like one Vin Scully's back in the booth moment where it's like, oh, we have a special guest. Probably opening night. Then he's going to die.

The UConn women's basketball winning streak is bad for the sport

Is UConn women's basketball bad for the sport? Because they're about to get 100 wins in a row. Love it. So we're getting that conversation back. Can they beat Alabama? Going right back into the swing of things in sports.

James Dolan planted security to get Charles Oakley banned from MSG

I think it's James Dolan continues to disrespect the Garden by putting out awful teams and not caring. And I think, stay woke, that was all a plant to get him [Oakley] banned from the Garden forever because if you noticed, it was security guards all around him. He got mad because I think that's just Charles Oakley's resting heartbeat.

The NFL's concussion rate dropped because Peyton Manning retired

It's funny how the NFL, they dropped their concussion numbers after Peyton Manning left the league. Peyton Manning, he who would always lead Austin Collie and Tony Gonzalez into traffic, and Wes Welker. He was single-handedly jacking up the league's concussion rate.

Mike Tirico replacing Bob Costas is a win for white media members

NBC announced that Bob Costas is handing over Olympic duty to Mike Tirico. And if you remember, Mike Tirico is a white guy, as he said. ... As a white guy, I'm happy that Bob Costas is passing off the Olympic coverage to another white guy. It's good to see the white guys keep their jobs in the media business.

Tom Brady will win two more Super Bowls to finish with seven

I think he'll get two [more]. I think he'll win six—actually, I think he'll win seven.

Chip Kelly will try to steal someone's job as a behind-the-scenes villain at Alabama

If there's somebody who's able to undermine and sneak around and steal somebody's job, it's definitely Chip. Chip is a behind-the-scenes Shakespearean villain. He's going to be doing everything that he can to make sure he gets that job.

The Cavaliers are now Kyrie Irving's team, not LeBron James'

Kyrie hit the big shot. You know why? So now here's the question. This is Kyrie's team.

Mark Wahlberg used his sick kid as an excuse to leave the Super Bowl early

That is an unbelievable story, the fact that he got exposed for leaving early and then threw his kid out there. ... The blame aspect is really strong in that.

James White should have been the Super Bowl 51 MVP over Tom Brady

James White had a great game. Getting in on the fun. He should have been MVP. He had three touchdowns. He was all over the field. They had no answer for him. Tom Brady did the old Brett Favre. It was a participation trophy for Tom Brady. It was a lifetime achievement award.

David Stern was a worse commissioner than Roger Goodell

Which commissioner do you think has done a worse job, Roger Goodell or David Stern when he got into that beef with you? Yeah, that's going to be a tough call, David Stern. Yeah. Stern was not happy with me that day... If you're asking me which one's worse, it's Stern.

The Atlanta Falcons might not actually be good

Are the falcons good? I don't know... they had some bad losses. They lost the chiefs, the chargers too, right?... The Falcons might not be good. Actually, if you look at the first half of the Super Bowl, they were good. Second half, not so good. You know what I'm doing? I'm crossing them off my list.

Roger Goodell is being negligent by not knowing Barstool since they've been 'threatening his life'

[Roger Goodell] said he had never heard of Barstool Sports before. I believe him, yo. Which is bullshit. And as Dave and Hank mentioned, he's being negligent if he doesn't know who Barstool is because they were the ones that have been threatening his life. Allegedly. Through his own ignorance, he's actually putting the entire NFL in harm's way by not making sure that he takes all the precautions to stay alive.

Ernie Adams is the secret genius behind Bill Belichick's success

I think Ernie Adams made Bill Belichick. That's an interesting thing to talk about because people don't know what Ernie Adams does. ... Ernie's a football Rain Man. When you go to Vegas, you're going to take Rain Man here to count cards. Ernie Adams is Bill Belichick's card counter. ... The Malcolm Butler play. They went over us and over us. Ernie drew up that Pete Carroll offensive red zone pass play just in case it came to a play on the one-yard line. ... Ernie Adams made that happen.

Mike Wilbon is actually a blogger because his job is the same as Barstool's

Has somebody explained to Mike Wilbon that his job is pretty literally our job? So he's a blogger, too. He doesn't even write columns anymore. You know what? Anybody that doesn't like bloggers, guess what? You're a blogger. I'm going to call you a blogger.

Coach K took a leave of absence just to create 'adversity' as an excuse for Duke potentially failing

I figured it out. Duke was the favorite to win the national title. ... Coach K just added his own little adversity, so when he ultimately fails this season and doesn't coach them to a national title, he said, well, I dealt with a lot of outside things this year.

Tony Romo will play for the Chicago Bears next season

Tony Romo, is he going to play in Dallas or Houston next year? He'll be playing, I think, in Chicago.

Tiger Woods missing the cut is actually good because he can't get injured during the final two rounds

Other spin zone, he only played two rounds because he missed the cut. So that's two less rounds you could injure himself in. Less wear and tear. Smart move getting ready for the Masters. Way to save yourself.

Sports gambling will be legalized 100% across the United States

In the near future, do you see sports gambling being legalized across the country? 100%. Oh, my God. I'll be a multimillionaire overnight because I can advertise everywhere then. I can advertise any station.

Hiring a failed broadcaster as GM is a winning strategy

The nice thing is you always, when you're an owner of a football team, you always want to find the guy that failed at broadcasting and hire him to be the GM. Yes, exactly. That never, ever fails.

Hiring a guy who failed at broadcasting to be a General Manager never fails

The nice thing is you always, when you're an owner of a football team, you always want to find the guy that failed at broadcasting and hire him to be the GM. Yes, exactly. That never, ever fails. Matt Millen. Yes, exactly. That never, ever fails.

Winning a Masters or Daytona 500 should automatically grant you a green card and the right to vote

Langer's not even allowed to vote because he's a German national... But I think if you win a Masters, that's so American that if you have a green jacket, you should be allowed to vote. I don't care what country you're from. I want you to have a say in who our next leader is. A green jacket equals a green card. Absolutely. Or if you win a Daytona 500, I don't care what continent you're from. You're an American now.

Waffle House is garbage

I think Waffle House is garbage. It's just people go there when they're drunk, and they're like, man, Waffle House is really good.

The movie Scarface is overrated

Another trash opinion, overrated movie. It wasn't a box office flop. It was. She doesn't like Scarface.

Michael Phelps will come out of retirement to swim in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics

Michael Phelps, Tokyo. He's swimming, right? Yes. Oh, there we go. You know what? I've said this before in 2012. I said he announced his retirement. He wasn't going to come back. And I was like, you're going to come back. Come on. And guess what he did? He came back. Same thing. He's going to do it. I think he's just I think he's going to come back.

DeSean Jackson should sue the Instagram model who insulted him to prove a point

DeSean, the only way you can get people to stop talking about your allegedly micropenis is to take her to court, put it in the papers, make sure that everyone knows that if anyone says DeSean Jackson's got a tiny hog, Guess what? He's going to come after you. That's the easiest way to make people shut up.

Donald Trump will legalize sports gambling to improve his approval ratings

I could see Trump legalizing sports gambling. I could, too. He's a casino guy... He could flip that approval rating up to, like, the 60s if he just said, okay, we're going to be sports gaming.

I would love to play running back

I would love to play running back. Whoa, that's another headline grab. I think any receiver in my position would love to play running back. Because people always say he's just a running back when he gets the ball in his hand.

LeBron James will play in the NBA until his son Bronny enters the league

LeBron is going to keep playing until LeBron Jr.'s in the NBA... LeBron can be like, I always wanted to play in a game against my son, and they're going to do that whole fucking sappy-ass shit... and then we're going to be like, shit, we have another LeBron for another 20 years?

Aaron Rodgers will fake an injury if the Packers are losing big in the second half

Yeah, probably sometime around the third quarter, if they're losing by more than two touchdowns, there will be a sudden ailment to his elbow. He'll go in the tent... and Joe Buck will go on for like five minutes about the importance of stretching.

The Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history

Is there any doubt that the Pittsburgh Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history? I don't think Belichick and Brady... they're not going to stack up with the Pittsburgh Steelers in terms of the affection that our football nation has for the black and gold.

Skip Bayless is correct that Aaron Rodgers is lucky and Dak Prescott outplayed him

I still can't believe Mason Crosby barely made those sorry-looking field goals and saved Aaron Rodgers from Dak Prescott. Skip is my lord and savior right now with the Aaron Rodgers hate. The way he spun that, Dak Prescott outplayed Aaron Rodgers.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

I am officially unretired and would return to the NFL if a contender offered $10 million

If I had a good opportunity I want to play I want to play with a team that I have an opportunity to go win a championship because that's the only part of my career that is missing you know I'm missing the ring so if I had an opportunity to get a ring of course I go back in a second.

Tom Brady gamed his combine/strength tests or the Patriots are lying about his scores improving with age

The damnest thing is happening with Brady. In each of the past three years, he improved his test scores in every category... [Hmm]. I used to do that when I did CrossFit... how you did one round, you had to beat it the next round. So you would just do really, really bad the first one. And then just kind of coast the rest. So maybe that's what Brady's doing.

Rick Pitino only vouched for Grayson Allen because Allen didn't snitch on him

Rick Pitino... he vouched for [Grayson Allen]. He said, I think it's a reflex action when he does something wrong. He'll lunge out or he'll trip somebody. But he's a good person. I know he's a good person. Rick Pitino went and checked it out... Grayson Allen's a good guy. He didn't tell on Rick. So he's a good guy.

Jon Gruden and Peyton Manning were a package deal for the Colts

What I've been told is Peyton Manning and John Gruden have a very, very good relationship. They're very close... but it was a package deal of Peyton Manning and John Gruden. Gruden didn't want to do it. And now the question is, are they going to get Peyton Manning, and who else would he want as the coach... partial ownership, I think, would get Peyton's attention.

Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know what emotions are and interprets all feelings as physical pain

Ben, he thinks that any emotion is pain. He doesn't know what emotions are, but he knows that when he feels something, he's like, that is pain, and I feel it in my deep soul... When Ben learned something new, he's like, ow, my head, it's pain. It's headache. I hurt my brain learning, but I will play through it.

Hiring Sean McVay is the NFL equivalent of a 45-year-old divorcé finding an 18-year-old with fake boobs

It's basically if you're married and you're like 45 years old and you get divorced, the next thing you do is you find an 18-year-old with like fake boobs, no job, that sort of thing... you'd go for the opposite [of Jeff Fisher].

Bill Belichick keeps blackmail files and secret surveillance videos on all his former coaches

I bet you Bill Belichick keeps files, and he not only does that, but he installs videotapes in their homes, he pulls a big Putin move, and he observes them, and he has dirt on all his coaches. Any coach that leaves him, he's got blackmail.

I'm taking the Packers over the Cowboys because Aaron Rodgers is going to be motivated by how much Dak Prescott loves his family

I'm taking the Packers... But if you read the USA Today article about Dak Prescott... it was him talking about his family. ... He loves his family. ... That is bulletin board material for Aaron Rodgers, right? Oh, Mr. Big Shot with the family. Oh, you talk to the family? ... That's going to piss Aaron Rodgers right off.

Alabama recruits should be upgraded from Dodge Chargers to Mercedes

Fair or not, Nick Saban should stop giving everyone, all his recruits, Dodge Chargers... Maybe upgrade them to the Mercedes, the new Mercedes, please.

David Ortiz will return to the MLB in the summer of 2017

I agree with Hank. What do you think? Like mid season? You think he's going to come for the whole season? Summer. He'll take the cold months off and come back.

Tony Siragusa is a closeted actor

It sounds to me like he's [Tony Siragusa] got some pent-up latent actor tendencies. It's like homophobes are usually, secretly, they have homosexual tendencies. So it sounds like Tony's just a closeted actor. A closeted thespian.

Ben Roethlisberger gets smarter when he is concussed

I think Roethlisberger gets smarter when he gets concussed. Right, his head gets out of his own way. Right, he's just like a big, dumb animal. All of his terrible thoughts are no longer functioning in his head, so he's able to operate like a normal human being.

Michigan fans are the most arrogant and elitist fan base in college football

It's Michigan. But Michigan, first of all, it's a good school. But it's not Harvard. They think they are not. Michigan fans, Michigan graduates are just the most arrogant, elitist... The fans talk like it's Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech wrapped into one. It's not. It's a good school that's won a half a national championship in 60 years.

Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football

I think Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football. I really do. I think Charlie Weis was better than Brian Kelly. He was more hilarious. I don't totally disagree. No, you're right about that. I mean, he was expensive from a food standpoint. But I think Notre Dame can afford a couple of extra buffets, but Brian Kelly, I mean, he really... anyone's cooler than Brian Kelly.