Takes

The Rams are a soft football team

My other side of the coin, I will make you say it, but I'll say it, the Rams are soft. The Rams are soft football team right now. And part of it, I think has to do with bringing a bunch of guys in. That's always gotta be hard, right? When you add guys mid season.

I'm betting on Lamar Jackson because he plays better with diarrhea

Another important thing to note is that Lamar Jackson has been out two days this week with diarrhea. Again, he's the most diarrhea quarterback in the NFL and he always plays great. He plays lighter when he's at diarrhea. So this is a big time intestinal bug issue for the Ravens and for Lamar Jackson. So I'm going to bet on Lamar Jackson.

Zach Wilson might actually be good because the rest of the Jets are the problem

That Zach Wilson actually might be good because Mike White is bad. So maybe it's not just Zach Wilson... The Jets are just like, you know, it might not be a quarterback problem. So we could have a quarterback in the future. They've identified the problem, which is the entire team.

Vegans have nothing to look forward to in life

Vegans gross. Like what do you do? What do you look forward to? Bread? Ice cream? If you're a vegan, tell me what you look forward to? The day you die and you get the sweet release of this hellhole of a life.

Russell Wilson is currently the number one quarterback in the NFL

Lamar [Jackson] is number two... My number one's Russell Wilson.

Cam Newton should move to tight end

I would like to see Cam [Newton] move to tight end. I still think that Cam would be an awesome tight end right now. He's big enough. He's strong enough still. He's fast enough to get the job done as a tight end.

Coach K is currently coaching for his job and legacy

I think that their [Duke's] players are so good that Coach K would be on the hot seat if he didn't win a title with these players. He is coaching for his job. We need to update that as the year goes on because if Coach K does not win a title with this extremely talented team, this would go down as the worst job coaching that he ever did in his entire life.

Jimmy Butler is a top-one player in the NBA

Jimmy Butler is a king, top one player in the NBA. He got fined due to attempting to escalate the situation and also for not snitching.

Based on Week 10 results, Michigan should be the #2 team in the country

If you want to go just from week 10 results, Michigan should be the number two team in the country because they actually handled their business against Indiana, and Indiana never was in that game.

Odell Beckham Jr. should just do pregame one-handed catch clinics like Red Panda instead of playing

Odell Beckham shouldn't be on a team. He should just do pregame and halftime performances like Red Panda, where he goes out there with a jugs machine and puts on a clinic of one-handed catches.

The 49ers are officially a broken group of guys

I think the 49ers are officially a broken group of guys. If [Garoppolo] makes that pass, that one pass... That he overthrew Emmanuel Sanders. Everything changes.

San Diego State punter Matt Araiza should be a first-round pick

Someone should draft [Matt Araiza] in the first round. ... If he can punt like this all the time, it actually is an incredible game changer. ... You think that if the Patriots took him... I think they should take him. That's the perfect end of first round draft pick.

Aaron Rodgers should be in jail for life for lying about being immunized

Aaron Rodgers should be in jail. All those that agree say aye... I just have a very cut and dry take that Aaron Rodgers should be in jail for life. Regardless of what he's done... jail until the COVID pandemic is completely over.

The Red Sox would have beaten the Braves if they made the World Series

Absolutely. Absolutely. Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. Thank you. 2021 World Series champions.

The ACC should not be a Power 5 conference in football when Clemson is bad

The ACC is so down, they don't have wins against ranked teams. I don't think the ACC should be a Power 5 conference in football. When Clemson's bad, it hurts. I really don't. It hurts.

Kyrie Irving is refusing the vaccine as part of a viral marketing scheme for the new Matrix movie

My cool throne is Kyrie Irving, because I'm pretty sure he's not getting vaccinated for an entire like prolonged ad for the new Matrix thing that's coming out in December... I think he's not getting vaccinated as part of a viral marketing scheme for the new Matrix.

Almost having sex is better than actually having sex

I am a long-standing believer that almost fucking is better than fucking. Because you can go home, and one, you didn't cheat... Two, you can go home and get the late-night piece of pizza and be like, man, I would have fucked. And it would have been awesome. Still got it.

Trevor Lawrence is showing bust-like tendencies

I'm not going to say [Trevor Lawrence] is a bust just yet, but he's showing me bust-like tendencies. I can't really judge anything in this system and the whole Urban [Meyer] environment.

Arch Manning might be a bust because his high school competition is mid-tier

Is he a bust? Is Arch Manning a bust... To have the discussion. No, because he's lost in high school, which I think is important for a quarterback's progression point... [but] his league's a little, like it's kind of mid tier.

The Clemson dynasty is officially dead and Dabo Swinney is a system coach

Clemson is officially—is the dynasty over? Clemson is dead. The dynasty's dead. Dabo was a system coach. He can't do it without an elite quarterback. He can't do it without Deshaun Watson or Trevor Lawrence.

Peyton Manning essentially admitted to cheating by doctoring footballs on the ManningCast

Peyton Manning starts going off this rant about how the ball boys in Indianapolis use the special sauce and they did all these tricks of the trade and did all this shit with the ball... and it's just crickets. Why not have that conversation when Brady is on the air... and Peyton is just like, yeah, we had our special sauce.

The Chicago Bulls are officially back

My cool throne is the Bulls because Bulls are back. They're the last undefeated team in the East. They are good.

The Kansas City Chiefs are broken

I'm officially they're broken if you think otherwise you're, you're, you're deluding yourself. Because like I said, if you just go through their schedule and who they've played, they've played four of the—outside of the Bengals who are the best team in AFC right now... they lost all of them. So it's, it's a real problem.

The internet should be shut down or strictly monitored

It's really a, it's a low point, you know, point in, I think the internet should be shut down and, or at least monitored. You gotta somehow, like I've been doing this bit about in cells that, you know, a bunch of people who aren't don't know how to talk to women, talk to a bunch of other people don't know how to talk to women. And in the end, they're all blaming women.

Ben Simmons should just quit playing basketball

I think at this point, Ben Simmons should just quit playing basketball. I think he should quit. I think he just doesn't like it. I think it's pretty obvious that he doesn't like playing basketball... if he doesn't like doing it, he should just quit.

The Maple Leafs will finally get over the playoff hump this year

I'm confident that they're going to be able to get over that edge this year... I've doubled down on my four skin challenge where I'm going to double down and you can chop my whole cock off and keep it if that fucking team can't make [a run].

Trevor Lawrence is the greatest rookie quarterback of all time given the circumstances

Trevor Lawrence is actually the greatest rookie quarterback of all time given the circumstances, given the fact that his coach [Urban Meyer] is the horniest guy in the world, the team stinks... he's providing a steady hand and he's guiding this franchise during a tumultuous time.

You cannot trust a left-handed quarterback

I do think when you're a wait and see guy and your guy that might not be very good is also a lefty... I don't know, I really do think lefties, I think we've heard players say that it's weird, it's different catching a ball from a lefty... I've just always thought lefties are weird.

The Washington Football Team exploited Sean Taylor's death to distract from front office scandals

If they literally were exploiting Sean Taylor's death, the one player that I care about... to get the stank off of their front office, that's a new low. And I think they were. I might be out.

Tony Romo is no longer a top-tier announcer

That's probably if like in 20 years when they write the book about Pardon My Take, I think that like us being the first to say Tony Romo not that good. That'd be a big one.

I am selling all my Jalen Hurts stock

He drifts in the most unproductive angles. He runs backwards into the sideline and tries to throw the ball away. He's had a couple games where he's played well. I'm not buying Jalen Hurts. If he's a stock, I think I'm selling all my stocks that I have in Jalen Hurts.

The Chiefs should trade Patrick Mahomes

A lot of people around the league, league circles, are saying the story out of Kansas City is that the Chiefs should trade Patrick Mahomes. They're saying that a lot of willing partners out there... Washington football team would be one, probably. But if I'm a Chiefs fan, man, I'll tell you, I'd run that guy out of town on a rail.

Signing Blake Bortles will change the entire culture of the Seahawks

Following Russell Wilson's injury, the Seahawks are working out the boat. Blake Bortles. Yes, yes, Blake. Oh, my God. I love it... You bring him in to change the whole culture. You bring him in with a contract already signed.

Urban Meyer is addicted to lying

I actually think that Urban Meyer is addicted to lying. I think he loves to lie. I think even when he doesn't have a reason to be lying about something, he opens his mouth and the first words that come out are not the truth. That's just how he operates. His reality is different from what you and I see.

Trevon Diggs is the NFL MVP

I'd like to renew my call for Trevon Diggs to get the MVP. Six interceptions in five games. He should be the MVP right now. On pace for 24 interceptions.

I think Geno Smith might be a franchise quarterback

I think Geno Smith, I think he might be a franchise quarterback.

The Cowboys are currently #2 in the NFL if we used BCS rankings

If we did BCS rankings for the teams right now, I think the Super Bowl would maybe be the Cardinals versus the Cowboys because the Cowboys have the best loss. I think the Cowboys might be number two in the BCS.

Ted Bundy is a wildly overrated serial killer

Ted Bundy is wildly overrated. I mean, I... Ted Bundy was overrated as a killer. He's just good looking.

Trevon Diggs should be in the MVP discussion and is the Defensive Player of the Year

I think that Trevon Diggs, if the season ended today, should get credit and consideration for MVP. Five interceptions in four games... He is the defensive player of the year right now, and he should be in the MVP discussion. At least he's really, really good.

Ben Roethlisberger might retire in the middle of the season

I really think Big Ben might just - he should just retire halfway through... I'm going to say it right now. I think it's bad, man. It's bad... I don't want to watch you every Sunday. Depressing. It's depressing.

Urban Meyer's wife sent him to the bar to get his charisma back

I think Shelly Meyer might win wife of the year... led me to believe that she was like, 'Urban, go out and remember why you're Urban Meyer. Go out and hit on some chicks and get that swagger back. Get that charisma back. Get that fucking confidence back.' I think she actually sent him out to be like, go out, pick up a chick. Don't have sex with her, but pick her up and remind yourself why you're the alpha.

Max Homa's Fortinet Championship win should have an asterisk

I'm glad you brought it up. Cause I was going to bring it up, but yeah, I think it's got to be right? [Not a real tournament]. Yeah man, I boy, I hate to do that to Max. I mean, you could also argue that it really wasn't even Max because with that mustache, it doesn't even look like him.

Jalen Hurts might be the best backup in the NFL for the next decade

I think [Jalen Hurts] might be, here's something nice about Jalen Hurts. I think he might be the best backup in the NFL for the next decade.

Matt Nagy purposefully threw the Browns game to prove that Andy Dalton is better than Justin Fields

I think he threw that game to try to prove that he's right. That Andy Dalton's a better quarterback than Justin Fields right now because that's the only explanation for the play calling and the game plan that he put out there.

Davis Mills is not an NFL-caliber quarterback.

There's a lot of stuff that I'm sure Davis Mills is really, really good at... but playing NFL quarterback isn't one of them.

The Las Vegas Raiders are the most fraudulent 2-0 team in the NFL.

The Raiders are the most fraudulent 2-0 team... I don't know if they're that good. I think they're okay. They're not that good.

NFL teams should sit their starting quarterback when playing against Aaron Donald to avoid injury.

Anytime a team plays Aaron Donald, they should sit their starting quarterback.

Kirk Cousins is statistically the best quarterback of all time.

Statistically, the best quarterback of all time.

If you haven't been to the dentist in over three years, just never go again

Anyone who has not been there for more than three years, just never go again ever... she was the dental hygienist was just ripping up my mouth, blood everywhere. And she was like, if you did, if you came in every six months, none of this would have happened. And I was like, well, what if I just never came in again? None of this would've happened... I would recommend it to all of you... It is absolutely the worst.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT because he could pull off a Hitler mustache without criticism

That also proves why he's the GOAT because he could do a Hitler mustache and still survive. No one says anything. Imagine LeBron does that. We wouldn't let them off the hook.