Takes

Trevor Lawrence is officially a bust right now

Not sold on Trevor Lawrence, but I'm still saying bust right now. He's playing like a bus driver. Lawrence is a bust.

Arthur Smith cannot be a successful coach because he has no chin

I don't know if you can win football games with no chin. I would be looking at him if he tried to coach me up, I'd be like, dude, you gotta no chin.

Saquon Barkley might not be good anymore

I just want to shout out real quick because I had a take today that Saquon Barkley... Maybe is he not good? I don't know. But he's been injured... it's also like you watch him play, and there are times you're like, wait, what is he looking at?

The Nicki Minaj 'swollen balls' story is a Joe Biden psyop

I actually think this might be a psyop. This might be a story planted by Joe Biden himself to make people want to get the vaccine. Because knowing guys, as I do, if you hear that there's medicine out there that makes your balls huge, there's going to be some dudes that are going to be like, you know what? I could use a little bit of inflation.

Trevor Lawrence is officially a bust

I have one note for that game. Trevor Lawrence, all capitals, bust. I'm more of the mindset that it's fun to say that Trevor Lawrence is a bust.

Aaron Rodgers is 'mentally retired' and checked out of the Packers

I think he's still playing, but he's technically retired mentally. He's checked out. I would say retired. Aaron Rodgers has mentally retired from the Green Bay Packers. I saw it with my own two eyes. No chance does this come back and haunt me, this clip.

CJ Stroud will always suck at quarterback

I'm convinced, no matter what, that CJ Stroud will always suck at quarterback just because of how poorly he played in the first half. But trust me, I will not get off this take. It's burned. It's seared into my brain. He's bad. From watching just how bad he was in that first half.

Coach Prime is objectively better than Hard Knocks

Coach prime. It's like a Barstool version of hard knocks. Deion Sanders, Jackson state. It's out now. It's better than hard knocks objectively. No bias.

You should kiss your boss to avoid work talk on the golf course

Just try to kiss him in the middle of your round and be like, I always get horny when I play golf. And then he'll never invite you something about the holes. Either and if, and if they don't give it to you lean in for a kiss and then if they kiss, you just say sexual harassment or 50% raise, ask for the kiss.

Nebraska needs to run the dirtiest, most unethical strength and conditioning program to win games

Seriously, if you're the next Nebraska coach, just buy all the steroids, just get all the steroids. If you get caught, I guarantee you that Cornhusker fans will not give a shit. If you get caught running the dirtiest strength and conditioning program in the history of college sports... it would be less embarrassing if you're Nebraska to get caught cheating than it is running whatever you have been running for the last 10 years.

Sam Ehlinger would have beaten out Trevor Lawrence for the starting job if not for his injury

Unfortunately, Sam Ehlinger is out with a tweaked ACL... The Sam Ehlinger beating out Trevor Lawrence prediction has not come yet for now.

I could easily hit home runs off Little League World Series pitchers

I'd love to fucking just Jack home runs off these little kids. This guy throws Gavin Weir could strike me out. Yes... But if you go up against one of the guys that's throwing 70 miles an hour, I would absolutely be able to take a lefty. I could go yard off a lefty that's throwing 70 miles an hour.

Watching football is 10 times more stressful than playing it

It proves that watching football is by a factor of 10 more difficult than playing football. We just, they, they are the operator of the rollercoaster. We're just so long for the ride. So we prove it our point. Yeah. I already got it. I'd like to see one of them trade positions with us for a weekend. They couldn't do it.

Jameis Winston is a future Hall of Famer

if you have Jameis Winston, future hall of Famer, or you have Taysom Hill who threw one pass last night, that it might've been the worst pass I've ever seen.

The iceberg is the ultimate villain of the Titanic story

I'm going to go with the iceberg in Titanic. All time. Villain killed a lot of people... The iceberg fucking hanging out. It smoked like 4,000 people... The iceberg took a charge, right? The iceberg, the ball's going the other way. Worked didn't fucking move. Iceberg had position. That's a fact.

Capitalism is the true villain of the Titanic movie

Billy says capitalism is the villain and Titanic because we're trying to maximize profits instead of safety.

Design downfield laterals are the future of football

Design downfield laterals. That's the future of football. Yeah, we'll set up a Zoom. But honestly, the Hail Mary on like second down, they'll never see it coming.

I can turn Ben Mintz into a 'lab rat turned muscle hamster' by controlling his diet and supplements

I now have the perfect opportunity [to] control all the variables and turn Ben Mintz into a lab rat turned muscle hamster... Basically I control all the variables. Like literally he's not going to be able to eat a meal without me. I'm going to pump this guy full of creatine, get him squatting heavy and see what happens.

Dak Prescott should have teammates tackle him in practice to stop overthinking his injury

If I'm Dak... even if my shoulder is still not good to go right now, I would still have people do, like, tackling drills against me in practice where I would get hit because you've got to get that first hit out of your system to stop thinking about it all the time. I would just have people, like, tackle me into a big mat so I didn't hurt my shoulder falling on it.

Nick Saban could make Alabama the number one soccer team in the world immediately

I know we joke, but if Nick Saban and the Alabama football team decided they wanted to be number one soccer team in the world, they would. Immediately. Zero training. Yes, they just would.

US vs Mexico is no longer a soccer rivalry because the US wins every time

I would actually go as far as to say that it's not even a rivalry. A rivalry implies that both teams win occasionally. And if you look back at the history of our last two League of Nations Golden Cups, it's just basically us showing up out there.

Ben Simmons is a 'penny stock' worth investing in right now

I'm kind of low key addicted to Ben Simmons because he really is like a penny stock. If he could figure it out a little bit, it would be incredible. Like he would be, you know, a starter on the all-star team because he has all the other stuff. Defense, passing, dribbling... If he could just figure out when to shoot and have the balls to shoot, I'm telling you invest now.

OJ Simpson's son was the real killer in the 1994 murders

OJ did a great job distracting everybody about his son. His son was recorded attempting to stab someone... now you think of OJ not as this murderer, but this father... I think it's still a murderer was covered up.

Italian sprinter Lamont Jacobs 100% used steroids to win Olympic gold

Did [Lamont Jacobs] do it? Yeah, 100%. If you look at his Instagram photos from him like two years ago, he's like rail thin. And then if you look at him now, he's like kind of jacked.

LeBron James would obviously beat Mike Tyson in a street fight because of his size and reach.

LeBron James would obviously beat up Mike Tyson. He's way bigger, Billy. Dude, reach. He's bigger. Mike Tyson... LeBron James is like 6'9". And LeBron's tough. He's never flopped.

Once the Lakers get to the playoffs, it will be Carmelo Anthony's team, not LeBron James'

I'm also rooting for the takes to start flying because when you have that many guys on a team, it's no longer LeBron James' team. I think once they get to the playoffs, it's Mello time, baby.

Alex Caruso is a top-five player in the Eastern Conference

Caruso is legitimately, I think, now a top five player in the East.

Tennis is a lifestyle or a leisure, not a real sport

I would say that tennis is more of an event. Yeah. Tennis is a lifestyle. Not really a sport. If you pick up a sport after you retire, that's not a sport. The thing they always say like, 'Hey, take up golf and tennis because you can play it for your whole life.' Well, that's not a sport. It's a leisure.

The quality of a spiral is overrated; wobbly touchdowns count just the same

Every one of my records is getting broken... but nobody's throwing more wobbly touchdowns than me. Okay. I mean, the spiral is overrated, right? As long as it gets there. And the good thing about the wobbly pass, a lot of dropped interceptions. Because these guys playing defense, a perfect spiral right in their hands they're going to catch, but a wobbly pass, there's a good chance they're going to drop it.

Jalen Green will be a great NBA player based solely on his draft night suit

Jalen Green's going to be a great NBA player. Just look at his suit. And I was like, yup, Perk, thank you. This is the analysis. Like I don't give a fuck about you showing me a few highlight teams and being like, he comps out to this guy because similar to the prospects in baseball, none of us know. So yeah, if it's going to be like, 'Hey, this guy wearing a cool suit or not,' that's actually the analysis.

Cade Cunningham's veganism is a major red flag for his NBA durability

I am concerned with Cade Cunningham though... it's because he's vegan. If you're a vegan going into the NBA, Jalen Green's 180 pounds, he will probably be able to put on another like 20. And Cade Cunningham's probably gonna lose weight over the course of his career. You can't trust a man made of the plant proteins. That's his durability and his mentality.

The Olympics should have a separate division for athletes who are permitted to use performance-enhancing drugs

I think we should have world records for steroid users. Like we really should see how far—we should have regular world records, and then world records of how far can the human body be pushed with help of steroids, right? Humans would just become like a horse.

Jalen Johnson is not a true Duke player because he 'stood up' to Coach K

Jalen Johnson... he's the guy who quit on, dropped out of Duke. So he's not—let me say, I'm not going to say he quit on it. It was courageous what he did against Coach K, because Coach K probably made it his life miserable playing at Duke. Coach K is officially off the board. No, I think Jalen Johnson, he's not a Duke player. He's just not. I don't think that we can count him as a Duke player.

The Wisconsin Badgers could win the Olympic gold medal in basketball

I really do think that the Wisconsin Badgers could win the gold medal because it does feel like that's the style of basketball [in the Olympics]. I was actually thinking that probably the worst NBA team would have a better chance at winning the title than this group right now.

Olympic fencing should use sharper swords to make it more dangerous

I think they should have sharper swords and fencing. Like give me an element of danger. It should be death, death, death, but like maiming.

I could medal in Olympic handball because it is just gym class

I thought the easy first pick is handball. I absolutely can medal in handball. It really is the gym class of the Olympics. All you'd have to do is just do band workouts for your shoulder to develop like an 80 mile an hour fastball... I'm not going to ever lose to Croatia in this sport.

I could medal in pole vaulting if I trained for four years

I will go with pole vaulting. You just run, stick the stick... All you got to do is run straight and get the timing down. I'm going to be jacked by August.

I could medal in Olympic ski jumping by just going 'full send' once

I'm going to go with ski jumping. I'll just bomb it once and just go full send... and just land and crash and I'll have the longest one. ... I can stand perfectly still for about 10 seconds while I'm going downhill... and then you just do like one of those little springs at the last second.

Jerry Jones would commit murder for a chance at another Super Bowl

I'm not trying to be sacrilegious here, but the facts are that I would right now, if I could, and I knew I had a good chance to do it, I would do anything known to man to get into a Superbowl. [PFT]: Mike McCarthy, you think would Mike McCarthy die for the super bowl? ... [Jerry] wants to kill someone. I think, I think, I think Mike McCarthy, who would kneel down onto like a, a block and you put the rest, his head on it and have Jerry Jones smash.

Cleaning your ass with a showerhead and a towel is a valid solution when you run out of TP while moving

I sat down and started taking a shit and realized there was no toilet paper. And so I just took a shower... I didn't have anything. I just literally got in the shower or like wipe my ass and then got out... I used the towel and I threw away the towel.

The Houston Texans might not even play the upcoming NFL season.

I wouldn't be shocked if the Texans were like, we're not doing this season... we might've reported that the Texans won't play the season like three months ago. It's exclusive. They're going to stink a lot.

Chris Paul's foul on Giannis Antetokounmpo in Game 5 was one of the dirtiest plays possible

I'm officially out on Chris Paul. I'm team fuck Chris Paul for life now... because that foul on that alley-oop is like the dirtiest thing that you can possibly do. It's so quick... you can't like try to injure the team's best player. That dirty ass move. I'm out.

LeBron James is a terrible actor in Space Jam: A New Legacy

I have a couple of big bones to pick with LeBron James though. He's a terrible actor, number one. No, horrible. He fucking killed Bugs Bunny... LeBron, as an actor, was not great.

Space Jam: A New Legacy would be a 10/10 movie if LeBron James wasn't in it

I actually think what this movie would have been way better without LeBron James. Oh, absolutely... besides all of the scenes that he was in. Good job LeBron. Yeah, that's probably the best way to review the whole thing. Outside of LeBron, this movie was a 10 out of 10.

Chris Paul's poor Game 4 performance might be due to vertigo

I don't know what vertigo is. Is that considered an injury or is that considered a disease or an ailment? I think he has vertigo. Because he just, he looked dizzy when he was trying to dribble the ball. Like he didn't know where the ball was going to come up after I hit the ground.

Olympic drug testing will expose golfers with suspicious size increases

The Olympics are coming up around the corner... guess what sport is also in the Olympics and they're starting to do the eligibility for? Golf. So you know, if you see any like discrepancies in people's drive [and] their size compared to their size maybe two years ago... They don't drug test in the PGA. [The IOC tests] are pretty hard.

Shark Week is being used by the media to maintain a state of fear after COVID-19

I think that we're overdue for some of the shark. The media hasn't really like had anything to like keep us in fear about after COVID has kind of started to become an afterthought. The media day are overdue for another summer. You weren't scared about the story of the shooting that was planned in Denver.

USA Basketball losing to Nigeria is actually good for the sport

This is good for basketball. I like, I love those people. I don't care. You know, it's, it's, it's shown the, all the good that the United States has done on an international level. The fact that these teams who used to just look up to us and get autographs from our players after the games are now able to compete, it really goes to show you what a great job United States basketball has done in spreading the game.

Influencers like Addison Rae can get better interview answers than professional journalists

I would actually argue that she [Addison Rae] probably can get more out of some of these guys. Then if you have like a guy standing in the suit, a frumpy guy standing in a suit who went to Medill with a mustard stain on his tie... you're probably get actually better answers when you have a, an attractive celebrity tick talker.

Soccer should change the rules to prohibit scoring on a penalty kick rebound

I don't think you should be able to rebound a penalty in soccer... I just feel like you should get it if you miss it you miss it... If you miss it, you miss it. It's a fucking free throw.