Takes

Aaron Rodgers should retire from football right now following his win in The Match

I think speaking as a football fan, if Aaron Rodgers decided that was his last competitive event in the history of his life, I think us as fans would applaud him, and he doesn't owe us anything more, and next stop Canton.

Federico Chiesa is the next GOAT of soccer

That dude Chiesa, my guy Chiesa, he's the next GOAT. Like, we might be seeing a torch event happen in the next year, two years, where Messi passes that torch.

My Murray State team would have beaten the college teams of my current NBA teammates

We all know Murray State would have beat all of them. [referring to Gonzaga, Duke, Michigan State teammates]

Rob Manfred should refuse to drug test Shohei Ohtani for the good of the sport

Rob Manfred, do not piss test Shohei Ohtani whatever you do. I don't care what he's on right now. The only way you could fuck this up is if you stuck a little test strip into a stream of urine and then you just were just a big bummer for America.

Players who flop should be legally allowed to be shoved on the court

There was a technical debt that had been accrued on the part of Chris Paul over the course of that game with the flops... at that point, you should be allowed to shove him and actually get your jollies in, make contact with him to even up that debt that exists.

Cristiano Ronaldo is not a top three Ronaldo

It's time that we have an honest conversation about Ronaldo. I don't even think he's a top three Ronaldo. You've got Ronaldo, you've got Ronaldinho, who is named Ronaldo... Fat Ronaldo. He's number six overall Ronaldo.

The Montreal Canadiens are officially America's team

I think the Canadiens are now officially America's team. It feels like it's coming home. Is it coming home? It's coming home. It's coming home for the Canadiens.

The Waterdogs need to hire Mike Vick as their coach

I think we should contact Mike Vick about coaching the Waterdogs because it's gotten to that point. Yeah. It's gotten to that point. I'm okay with that. I hate this team. I want to make them earn their dog.

NC State are the real national champions of college baseball

NC State got screwed. Wolfpack are my national champions. They actually did a parade, and they had everyone come to the stadium. They said, we're the national champs. If UCF can do it, why can't NC State?

Cam Payne's injury changed the whole flow of the Suns vs. Clippers series

Campaign did get hurt. He only played four minutes. That changes the whole series. You can confidently say there's no excuses left on the table. The Clippers are without their best guy, Kawhi. The Suns are without their best guy, Campaign.

Giving blood is the best way to save money on drinking

But the great thing about giving blood is if you give blood, you get drunk off like half a beer afterwards. So it's actually very economical. I'm just trying to be an ambassador for health.

College schools will soon use server farms to mine crypto for recruits

Schools are allowed to provide as many education-related expenses as they want to players. ... You could, in theory, provide an athlete with an entire dorm room filled with servers for them to mine cryptocurrency in that dorm room. ... LSU could be like, hey, we're going to build a new dorm called the Arch Manning Dormitory. ... you can just generate money for yourself while you're here.

Ben Simmons proves that you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

I always thought that saying the Wayne Gretzky-Michael Scott quote didn't really make that much sense. [Ben Simmons] actually proves that you do, in fact, miss 100% of the shots that you don't take.

F1 cars are too soft and need to be louder.

I think the cars are too loud. [Wait, no] make them a little bit softer or make them just really fucking loud... the cars are too soft. They're basically racing toy cars. It's the pussification of America, of Europe.

Defensive teams should score a run if they turn a triple play.

Actually, I think you should be able to get a run for a triple play. On defense, you should be able to score a run if you get a triple play... give us what the fans want, and that's defensive runs.

If the Sixers lose the series in six games, the franchise should consider blowing up 'The Process'

Right now, if the Sixers lose this series in six, hope is gone. Hope is out the window. I would be firing up the trade machine and seeing how many picks you can get for Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons to just restart the process.

The Hawks might have been right for choosing Trae Young over Luka Doncic

We're seeing now, were the Hawks right for taking Trae Young and not Luka Doncic? Maybe. So there you go. That's really when you know that you got a good one, when we're doing the revisionist history.

Ben Simmons should shoot more in the 4th quarter, even if he misses everything

I actually think if I were Ben Simmons, strategy going into game six, I would just shoot all the time in the fourth quarter. Because I really do believe if Ben Simmons went one for seven in the fourth quarter, it would be better than shooting one time in the last four games in the fourth quarter. That's basically giving up.

I am 'mojacked' than Tyrann Mathieu

I think I'm definitely mojacked than Tyrann. I respect the fact that you said that. I'm actually glad you said it, but I don't think he would agree. I feel I would get squashed in an instant, but...

The Colorado Avalanche were the greatest team to never win a Stanley Cup

The Avalanche were the greatest team to never win a Stanley Cup. Yep. I like that. I mean, lamed out... we were told the Avalanche were just going to shit-pump everybody.

I will move the Waterdogs if they go on a two-game losing streak

If we go on a two-game losing streak at any point, we're going to move the team. We're moving it... we'll fucking do anything. We'll stop paying the players if we have to make them play better.

The Houston Astros weren't just banging on garbage cans—they were using NASA technology

If the Astros got this technology from NASA that was going to steal these signs and relay them to the dugout on internet wifi... believe me guys, they wouldn't be banging on a garbage drum and give the hitter signal. It had to be very high-tech guys.

The Nets could win the title if every starter had to score the exact same amount of points every game

I really think they could do it... they're all running plays for Joe Harris in the third quarter. I think they could probably do that. That's how good they are.

Guy Fieri should be America's mascot

[Guy Fieri] is everything that we thought the bald eagle would be. I just think if you're cheering against whatever team Guy Fieri's cheering for, then you're essentially rooting against Flavor. He's Drake's Wario. He's the good version of a bandwagon fan.

The Nets could beat almost any team if all five starters had to score the exact same amount of points

How many teams do you think that the Nets could beat in a seven-game series if... All five of their starters had to score the exact same amount of points... It's like everyone has to score exactly 14 points. [With Harden healthy], I think they could beat almost everyone.

Arch Manning is already the best Manning to ever play football

That ball flip was sick, though, wasn't it? When he did the pump fake, and then he flipped it. I think he's already better. I think he's already the best Manning to ever play football.

I am officially counting LeBron James out

So, well, let's just do a quick straw poll. Are you counting [LeBron] out? ... I want to count him out. Yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to count him out.

The NBA is a 'sick league' where stars care more about movies than winning

The best player in the world [LeBron James] is walking off the court with 15 minutes left in the game like an asshole. And nobody says a word to him. And then he talks about his fucking cartoon movie after the game. Imagine being on that team. You just lost after being champions and talking about the Monstars.

LeBron James quit on his team in Game 5

So game five, he quit on his team. I mean, I don't know how you could see it otherwise. He left the game with five minutes and 40 feet, left the bench.

The Lakers 2020 Bubble championship simply didn't happen

I think we can all agree that just didn't happen. It doesn't. Yeah. The bubbled never. That's not basketball. Yeah. No fans around.

The NHL should suspend players for dirty hits but allow them back for one 'grudge' game

I think they should do this more often... suspend him for enough games where he can come back and then everyone can tune in to watch him have fights all night. I think the rule should be if you get suspended for a dirty hit in the playoffs, you should be forced to start the next game, skate one shift, and then after that point, your suspension begins.

The USA is officially the best soccer country in the world because Christian Pulisic won the Champions League

The best player in the world played on the best team in the world... the best player on the best club team is American. Therefore, the USA is the best soccer country in the entire world.

Luka Doncic is actually several years older than the Mavericks claim

I think Luka's older than we think he is... I think it's a Danny Almonte, Alfonso Soriano thing. I don't think Luka's 22 years old. I think Luka's probably 27, 28 years old. If you're a player that's not born in the United States and you come over, there's a lot of paperwork that can get either lost or changed very easily.

Bryson DeChambeau's U.S. Open win is a 'Mickey Mouse' major championship

Also Bryson, he has a Mickey Mouse U.S. Open. Can we admit that? Oh, here's something I'll just throw out there. It's a Mickey Mouse major championship. There are no fans.

The 2021 Brooklyn Nets are the greatest team ever assembled

The Nets look like the greatest team ever assembled tonight... Ever... No hyperbole.

A 600-foot cheesesteak made of individual subs is a total fraud

It's a bunch of regular cheesesteaks, footlong cheesesteaks stacked up next to each other. It's ridiculous to say... If you make a 600-foot... it has to be connected.

Brooks Koepka would have won the PGA Championship by 15 strokes if his knee was healthy

[Brooks Koepka's] knee is hurting him, and he wasn't able to get all the way low to read putts, and the putter is what kind of killed him today and this weekend. So Ipso facto, he probably would have won this tournament by 15 strokes if his knee was okay.

Colorado is a Southern team because it is south of the Canadian border

Based on the North American scale, Colorado is considered Southern. No, he's saying in the middle of the country, not North America. You're saying North America? I meant all the teams in play, they're one of the southern teams. Anything south of the Canadian border is southern.

It should be easier to hit a shot if you are seeing three hoops like LeBron James claimed

Actually, if we're actually going into LeBron's brain and seeing through his eyes, shouldn't that make it easier to hit the shot if there are three hoops? It should have counted. he said he shot at the one in the middle. It went in the one in the middle.

The Celtics would beat the 76ers if they matched up in the 2021 playoffs

If we were playing the Sixers, we'd beat them. I'll say that right now. If we were playing the Sixers, we'd beat them.

Throwing no-hitters is 'choogy' and uncool now

I actually think that throwing no-hitters have gotten, it's like choogy now. Yeah. It's like kind of overdone. It's lame. seriously, like no hitters are lame now. no, these are not cool and guys strike out too much.

Society needs guys like Tony La Russa to protect unwritten rules

I just want to remind people, because I saw the public outcry against Tony La Russa, and I get it, but I want to remind people, If you chase off every single guy who is holding up the unwritten rules, eventually society will crumble. You need the old guy yelling at clouds. You need the Tony La Russa being like, that was Bush League for his own team.

I could shoot the same score in the PGA Championship playing left-handed

What would you shoot if you had to play the PGA Championship left-handed? [Koepka]: Probably the same as I would right-handed, honestly. ... I have no idea. I just know just swing as hard as you can from the other side of the ball.

My performance at the Masters was one of the most heroic things ever done

And I started talking about how heroic it was [playing the Masters injured], and people took great umbrage with that comment... You agree. [Koepka]: I couldn't have agreed anymore. Absolutely. I mean, it might have been one of the most heroic things ever done.

If you cannot fly, you do not count as a bird.

I know it's technically a bird, but if you can't fly, you're not a bird... That'd be like pointing at a bus and being like, look at that airplane. Just call penguins what they are. They're buses.

I would give up an arm in exchange for a Super Bowl victory in Detroit.

I might end up losing an arm because of it [a pet lion], but that would be even better. [Big Cat: If I said Dan Campbell, you are going to win a Super Bowl in Detroit?] One arm. Yes. There it is.

I could defeat a bald eagle in a fight by grabbing it and slamming it on the ground.

The move would be to jump up in the air and to grab it like you're mossing nature. And you just grab it and then you slam it on the ground. Smother it... while it's trying to do that, just boom, stamp him on his head.

I would defeat a King Cobra in a fight by letting it bite me and then strangling it.

I would simply let it bite me. And then after it was latched on, then you just strangle it. And hope it doesn't kill you... if you kill the cobra first, but you die after, you still win.

Real men get three vaccine shots

I was at the doctor. I was getting my third vaccine shot. Oh, nice. Better safe than sorry. Yeah, I'm great. Like I said, I'm triple vaxxed up. Nothing could go wrong. Real men get three.

The public should wear masks for one more week to cover my cold sore

My Fyre Fest is masks off, which is great, but I'm getting a cold sore right now... this is the worst possible time ever... I think that we should do one more week. If we just go masks one more week, I think that'll be perfect timing.