Takes

The Cubs would not have won the World Series without the Game 7 rain delay

Do you think the Cubs win the World Series if that rain delay doesn't happen? No. I did not look like the most confident... i doubt we win without first of all if you blow a lead late in any game it's hard to then come back and win... the guys were shell-shocked as we all were and that rain delay... catching a little glimpse of our players meeting and it was awesome... I don't think we win the World Series without that, but you can't prove it.

Solar energy is the biggest no-brainer in the history of the world

Think of it as a solar. Solar energy is the biggest no-brainer in the history of the world. Are you kidding? It's so sunny out there. More solar energy hits the Earth every day... I'm choosing the sun. I'm choosing solar power.

You should never rank, rate, or compare championships, concerts, or children

What I've learned over the course of these now 64 years, never rank, rate, or compare. Championships, concerts, children, coaches, or congratulations. Just enjoy them all.

I used to be all about the outcome, but now I'm completely about the process

I used to be all about outcome, and I've changed. Now I'm about the process. I am completely into sustainability. I want to go on forever... Ultimately, [John Wooden] taught us two things. He taught us how to learn, and he taught us how to compete. And if you can learn, if you can compete, you can do anything.

The Who's 'Quadrophenia' is the greatest album in the history of the world

The Who is my favorite band, the greatest rock and roll band in the world. Quadrophenia is the greatest album that's ever been played. Number one. Number one, nothing even near it.

If your roommate tells you he's making the room a 'trip chamber,' find a new roommate immediately

My roommate told me he's going to make our room a trip chamber... find a new roommate immediately. This is the biggest red flag I think I've ever heard in my entire life. If you're a senior in high school and you're calling things a trip chamber... this is not a guy that you want to be trying to study in the same room at.

College freshmen should spend a year living in a 'trip chamber' and blame all mistakes on the roommate

I'm so jealous of this kid. You're about to spend a year in the trip chamber dude... Make your mistakes young. When you go to college, first year, spend a year in the trip chamber. Yeah, and if you fuck up, you can just blame it on the other kid. It's not my fault, Mom. The kid, I walked into the trip chamber. I had no choice.

We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates it

Shocker of all shockers, Canada does Thanksgiving. They do. What the fuck? And it's before ours. They cucked our Thanksgiving. We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates Thanksgiving.

Switching from quarterback to wide receiver was like discovering my true self

I got to college and, you know, there's a lot of new things... you try some new things, try new positions in college... I was out on the field, and I caught a ball. Yeah, it felt right. I wasn't wearing gloves. Skin on skin. You always remember your first ball.

Pringles and frozen yogurt bars are elite munchies

I'm going to go Pringles... I'm going to go with... frozen yogurt. That whole like when you go to the frozen yogurt bar and you get everything. It's just the stuff you put on top of it. My picks are candy, Pringles, and water.

The NFL playing games on Christmas Day was bullshit

I think it was actually bullshit that the NFL played on Christmas Day. No, that's an NBA day. It felt so weird. The Steelers and Texans game, that felt like the first Saturday wild card game that no one really wanted to watch. I just felt like it was a little too much. They should have just kept it to Saturday and Sunday.

The Panthers' defense is good enough to win a championship

It's actually the Panthers that are my make some noise team out of the NFC. I think that the Panthers' defense is good enough to win a championship. I think that they're really fucking good right now.

If the Colts don't hire Bruce Arians immediately, they are the dumbest organization ever

Bruce Arians, I think, is going to walk away. And if the Colts don't fucking hire him immediately, they're the dumbest organization ever. Because, like, why wouldn't you fire Chuck Pagano and bring in the guy who actually was a good coach for your team?

Debating whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is the worst argument on Twitter

My other hot seat is people who want to debate Die Hard being a Christmas movie because I do not give a fuck. That actually might be the worst Twitter argument that goes on now. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? That was like five years ago and it wasn't interesting then and it's still even more uninteresting now.

Eli Manning has plenty left in the tank if he gets an offense that suits him

He [Eli Manning] still has a lot left. Too many injuries, terrible offensive line, especially the tackle position... I think you give him a chance with a full new offense, new offensive line. They have weapons on the outside. He's a very specific type of quarterback.

The Patriots' defense is a problem because they can't rush the passer consistently

I think their defense is still a problem. They're 31st in yards per play on defense. This is not good enough. And they're going to run into a game where they have to stop a team and can they do it? I just think it's not consistent pass rush. It's every now and then, and I think you need to have more of a consistent pass rush to contend in the playoffs.

The Saints' biggest weakness heading into the playoffs is their lack of downfield passing

So this is odd about the Saints, but really it seems like their weakness is kind of throwing the ball downfield now. They don't really do that anymore... They just don't push the ball downfield anymore. Maybe they don't have to because of the running back situation. But they have a ton of explosive plays. They're just not the ball's not thrown deep downfield anymore.

The Rams' biggest weakness is their lack of postseason experience

I guess the Rams to me would just be – haven't done it yet. Like, they haven't done it yet. Jared Goff hasn't had that opportunity... I think for them, it's just experience. Like, I just – they haven't had the chance to be together as this team with a second-year quarterback and do it all.

Converting defensive linemen to offensive linemen does not work in the modern NFL

This idea of drafting guys with a high upside that can grow into your system or drafting a defensive lineman [to convert to OL] doesn't work. You don't have the practice time anymore to mold these offensive linemen. You need to draft guys out of college from, like, the same six schools, Wisconsin, Iowa, USC, Notre Dame, just draft them from these schools that are ready to play.

Josh Rosen is too smart to play for the Cleveland Browns

Between him leaking out that he doesn't want to play for the Browns and between his answer about why he's sitting out and why some players do sit out, I feel like he's way too smart to end up in Cleveland.

Kevin Durant has officially eclipsed LeBron James as the best player on the planet (according to Skip Bayless)

He [Skip Bayless] says that Kevin Durant has now eclipsed LeBron as the best player on the planet, and Fox News tweeted out the torch has been passed... Officailly KD is the torchbearer, according to Skip Bayless.

Carson Wentz could not have played through his torn ACL like Philip Rivers did

I highly doubt that Philadelphia Eagles or the team doctors proposed that to Carson Wentz... Yes, he's a young quarterback... Totally different type of quarterback. Of course, I have no idea of the associated injuries, but it has come out in the media that there was some sort of partial IT band and or meniscus that might complicate things for Carson Wentz. And, you know, you saw the instability just walking on the field where his knee jutted out... That is concerning. And also you can't risk the franchise.

Andrew Luck feels more pain from his injuries because he is smart

My theory on Andrew Luck is that he's smart, so he feels more pain. Is there any credence to my dumb theory?

An alien invasion would be a blessing in disguise because it would unify Earth against a common enemy

I actually think that this could be a blessing in disguise for Earth. Because it's like Earth has been in training camp with each other for the last, like, 2,000 years... And now all of a sudden we've got an enemy to play against. It's fun hitting somebody else, right?

The US military is faking alien news to distract Donald Trump and steal NASA's funding

The military saw how good NASA was at holding [Trump's] attention... they're like, this president fucking loves aliens and loves space. And they're getting... NASA's shine is getting too bright right now. We want a slice of that pie. And so now they're trying to distract him... they're like, fuck it. We're going to make up some aliens and we're going to pretend that there's a war because there's nothing more than Donald Trump wants.

Dry, crisp cookies are better than soft, soggy cookies

I'd rather dry with a crisp than soft, like a wet, soft, soggy cookie in my mouth.

Shaq was the 'Robin' and Kobe was the 'Batman' during their championship runs together

Shaq needed Kobe more than Kobe needed Shaq... Shaq needed the wing scorers to be Shaq. He needed Dwyane Wade to be unbelievable Dwyane Wade. Shaq was Superman, and Kobe was Batman. [But] Batman isn't a superhero... he's just a rich guy with a bunch of gadgets.

Belichick rescinding Alex Guerrero's credentials is good because friction causes fire and will motivate Tom Brady

It's not a friction. It's actually a good thing. It means Belichick's lighting a fire under Brady's ass because friction causes fire. So Belichick knows he's got to push Brady's buttons if he wants him to keep playing at this level at such an old age.

I will highly suggest my kids do not play football because it is an extremely dangerous sport

Not a chance. No, no, no way, man... I'm just going to highly suggest that they don't... There's no point for you to do so... This is a, it's an extremely dangerous sport... I took all those hits. I sacrificed. I may develop CTE in my life. There's no telling.

The NCAA system for athletes is a form of indentured servitude

No, that's indentured servitude. If you go to Google, just look up indentured servitude and you'll find that exact definition... The NCAA is the only establishment where their interns are their product. It's the most ridiculous, backwards, twisted system of in existence.

Matt Schaub was a good quarterback whose career was ruined by a loss of confidence

Matt Schaub is definitely number one [on the Mount Rushmore of Texans QBs]... No, he was a good quarterback. He had a bad season. And I think it ruined his confidence, but he was a good quarterback when he was balling. He had a bad run.

Joel Osteen manipulates people by 'selling hope'

I've read my fair share of the Bible, man, and Jesus specifically preached about being rich... It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom... You have private jets. You have, like, a mansion. Like, that's not the life that Jesus taught... you are selling hope. And I feel like any time you sell hope, you're manipulating people.

I support Big Baller Brand and the Ball family's mindset

I bought three pairs of Big Baller Brand shoes... I love their mind frame, man. Their mindset is going to do it our way, so I support that... It's all about small business. Big business is ruining America... so support small business.

Cash is the greatest Christmas gift you can ever give

So the real answer here is cash. All boyfriends want cash. They want cold, hard cash... Cash is the greatest gift you could ever give... When you open up a card, you're expecting cash in there. Put the fucking cash in there.

Rob Gronkowski is a cheat code and no one can guard him

Basically, you just keep throwing it to Gronk because Gronk's a cheat coach. No one can guard Gronk.

The Jaguars are a for-real team and people shouldn't sleep on them

I'm pumped because I think the Jags, like, people sleep on the Jags, and I know we laugh at them because their franchise has been pretty much a comedy of errors. But they're a for-real team.

The Seahawks' mystique and intimidation factor is officially gone

The mystique is gone from [the Seahawks]. It's just one of those things where the mystique now comes off and you don't feel as intimidated when Jared Goff goes in there and has his way and they run the ball all over him. When a team comes in and does that, it definitely feels like a little bit of the whole mystique and the aura like you can't win in Seattle is gone.

Any head coach who goes 0-16 should be permanently disqualified from coaching again

I personally think if you go 0-16 as an NFL head coach, you should be permanently disqualified from ever being a head coach again for any team.

Alex Guerrero is the head of a Tom Brady cult

[Alex Guerrero] is basically Tom Brady's cult leader. Tom Brady has a cult that he is the head of, but the real head of his cult is this quack. And so the only member of the cult is also Tom Brady.

The coaching disparity between Bill Belichick and Mike Tomlin is the most stark in the NFL

I also think there's never been a more marquee matchup in the last decade where teams have met up in big games and the coaching disparity is more stark between Mike Tomlin and Bill Belichick.

Josh Cribbs was the best returner I ever played against

I would say at the time, Josh Cribbs. He was the guy, like, once I got to the locker room after the game, I'm like, man, did he take a point back today? Did he take a kick back? So I would go look him up and see how he did.

Matt Ryan is the best all-around quarterback I ever played with

I would say... Matt Ryan. The time I did, it was just because it's the type of player he was. He was a quarterback on and off the field... he treated the scout team like he was a starter... all-around, the all-around best quarterback I ever played with.

I am a Hall of Famer because I was the best ever at my position

Of course I do [think I'm a Hall of Famer], man. I always look at the Hall of Fame. I think the Hall of Fame should be judged off the best player at that position. That's it... When you look at the best player at every position that's in the Hall of Fame right now, they're the best player at their position.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially 'back' because of their recent recruiting success

When we start getting the players that used to go to the mind, the type of players that we used to recruit, when they start signing... I think we're back.

I believe ghosts are real

I actually completely believe this. Like, I'm a big ghost guy. I believe ghosts. If you don't believe ghosts, I think you're full of shit. And, I mean, we saw a ghost in Miami.

LaVar Ball is the living embodiment of my 'future me' theory

He is the living embodiment of future me. Yes. Because he, his, his theory is as long as I never admit anything's wrong, then nothing's wrong. Right. Exactly.

Curling is an exciting sport

I don't think it's boring. I think it's very exciting... but curling is chess on ice.

Tom Brady was affected by a 'boat curse' the night before the Dolphins game

I think it's more likely that Tom Brady was on a boat down in Miami the night before the game, got the old boat curse going, than it was that he's actually getting too old to play well.

The Dolphins game was Jay Cutler's one annual game where he looks elite

That was the Jay Cutler performance. And I know that all Bears fans know this. That was the one game he throws out a year where you're like, this guy's fucking good.

The Seahawks are the sorriest losers in the NFL

The Seahawks, though, can we just say that they're the sorriest losers of all time? That team, I don't know why they get a pass... That team is a fucking bunch of babies.