Takes

Sleeping is the most dangerous thing you can do once you hit your mid-30s

I actually think that sleeping is the most dangerous thing that we do once we hit our mid thirties. [In response to dislocating shoulder in sleep] I woke up and my shoulder was literally out of its socket and I had to pull it back into its socket.

The Rams are a basketball team playing football

The Los Angeles Rams are like a basketball team playing football... They're soft. They're a basketball team playing football. We know all their names and they'll be... like it's fantasy football.

The Rams are officially overrated and no longer a top-three NFC team

I'm officially moving the Rams off of a team that I feel strongly about... I am officially taking the Rams out of my [top three]. Cardinals are better...

I'm a full-on believer in the Cowboys now

I'm a full-on believer in the Cowboys now. When they're clicking, they have every piece that you need to play with the top team. This is a hundred percent what you need Mike McCarthy to be doing... keeping him away from all the actual play design.

Notre Dame will sneak into the playoff over Cincinnati

Notre Dame [is] sneaky and over Cincinnati, which I would be the most wrong thing of all time, but also would be the funniest thing of all time.

I am officially done ever thinking that anyone can score on Georgia

I'm officially done ever thinking that anyone can score on Georgia. That first drive by Tennessee... and then they just destroying everyone. There's just no way that you can keep up with that defense.

LeBron James is an absolute fraud for how he handled the Alex Caruso departure

Last night was a perfect encapsulation of how LeBron is just an absolute fraud. The story came out that the Lakers basically asked Caruso to take less money... LeBron is the GM. Everyone knows this... then it's all over him hugging them on social media like 'love you bro'.

Giannis Antetokounmpo might leave the Bucks in two years for a new challenge

Yannis is already planting the seeds to maybe leave Milwaukee... He said 'one challenge was to bring a championship here and we did.'... He said 'in two years that might change. I'm being totally honest with you.'

Coach K should retire immediately over his grandson's DWI

Coach K [should] retire right now if he had any backbone and stood for anything that he says that he stands for. You can't have this... Step down right now. Institutional chaos before someone gets hurt.

Mac Jones is the Grayson Allen of the NFL

Mac Jones is sort of gotten the, some people are calling them the Grayson Allen of the NFL... Because he's a tripper.

The character of Kevin Malone from 'The Office' is a secret genius savant

The basis for this... is that Kevin Malone is a secret genius. He's a gambler... he's an idiot savant. There's a written story that was shot [where] Kevin Malone goes into bars, everybody wants to buy him a drink... he has accumulated such a credit at that bar that he uses that as leverage to own the bar. That is through written story that was shot.

Aaron Rodgers should be in jail or prison for holding a super spreader event and lying about his vaccination status

Do you think Aaron Rodgers should be in jail or prison for holding a super spreader event every Sunday and willfully lying to the public about his vaccination status? And should he have to strip his Superbowl away? Probably.

The Packers will win the Super Bowl this year

I'm worried, I think the Packers are actually going to win the Super Bowl this year... I'm saying that they have looked the best team in the NFL this year.

The Packers are a lock to win the Super Bowl

The Packers are locked to win the Super Bowl. I win all my locks... I'm going to know better than one to know game of the year. It's a lock.

Returning to Pitt for a fifth year was a business decision to become a first-round pick

That was the reason I came back. The whole goal was to be able to win a championship and come back and go in that first round... Peyton Manning had give me some advice... everything I was hearing was four or five round.

Pitt's bad home field turf is a competitive advantage

I think the field is an advantage. I think teams come in, I always watch them in warm ups, walk every inch of the field... it's just not a great surface and you just gotta play... I think it definitely gets in their heads.

Hand size is a fake concern for NFL scouts; if you can throw ropes, the measurement doesn't matter

I know that's a huge concern for everyone... but [I] throw 45 yards on a rope. But it doesn't say like 'from a small hand.' It's the weirdest thing. The things I get tagged in... it is what it is.

There are no fast quarterbacks that have worn two gloves

I can guarantee you that there's no fast guys that have worn two gloves. [Roethlisberger] back when he had functional athleticism, but that's not fast fast.

Falling asleep after masturbating in a hotel room is the best feeling ever

Falling asleep after jacking off in a hotel room is maybe the best feeling ever... Most middle-aged men would look at that as the best vacation.

The Kansas City Chiefs are officially back

The Kansas City Chiefs are back officially... This was the first time I think this year that we can confidently say against a good team, the Chiefs offense looked like it was back.

The Chiefs will beat the Cowboys next week

I think that they [Chiefs] win that game. I might fuck around and say the chiefs are back.

Washington has a clear roadmap to the playoffs

I actually think that they've got a good chance to make the playoffs. I have a roadmap for the playoffs. Here's the roadmap... They beat the Panthers next week and then they win all their NFC East games, not including the Cowboys games... I think the football team could make the playoffs at that point.

Tom Brady finally looks old

The only reason I'm not going to say that the football team is like officially back, back, back, back back is I think Tom Brady looks old. He looked old today. He was mistaking and dunk and he was bad in the first half.

Antonio Brown is the most important player on the Buccaneers

I think officially we have to say it's Antonio Brown... The Bucs are five and O with Antonio Brown and they're one and three without him. He is the difference maker for Tom Brady and how he wants to run an offense and the security blanket and the guy he trusts the most.

The Buccaneers are currently the fifth best team in the NFC

I don't think, I think the Bucs are probably five now, just off the last two, I mean, they went, they went lost by loss and Bruce Arians had pretty much the same comments that he did last year.

The Buccaneers will smoke the Giants next week on Monday Night Football

I think that they're going to come out next week and smoke whoever it is are playing. I feel like the Bucs were still a good enough team.

The Tennessee Titans are officially the AFC South champions

I'm officially anointing the Tennessee Titans AFC South champions this year... We're actually the first to crown them division winners.

I am done doubting Ryan Tannehill; he is officially a very good quarterback

I'm done doubting Ryan Tannehill... he's actually just a very good quarterback now. I think I'm done doubting Ryan Tannehill. It took me like five years for me to wash the stink of the Tannehill and the Dolphins uniform out of my brain. No, but he's good. It's officially happened now.

Bill Belichick is the NFL Coach of the Year right now

Is this Bill Belichick's best coaching job? It's coach of the year right now. Absolutely. Mac Jones looks awesome. Jones looked incredible.

The Chiefs are the only team I'm afraid of in the AFC

[Big Cat]: Who are you most afraid of in the AFC? [Hank]: I think the Chiefs. Like the AFC Championship game, Chiefs-Patriots would be intimidating.

The Patriots will cover -5.5 against the Falcons on Thursday night

Patriots minus five and a half... [PFT]: Are you gonna take them? [Hank]: Absolutely.

The Ravens are still the best team in the AFC North

I still feel like the Ravens are the best team in that division. I'm just discounting what happened. I lost the toughest time. It happens on a Thursday night. It's like, okay, that didn't really count.

Mike White may have played himself out of the league with his four-interception performance against the Bills

Mike White... You should've stayed injured, dude... you threw four interceptions and you might've played yourself out of league when you could've just been like a backup forever.

Zach Wilson might actually be good because the rest of the Jets are the problem

That Zach Wilson actually might be good because Mike White is bad. So maybe it's not just Zach Wilson... The Jets are just like, you know, it might not be a quarterback problem. So we could have a quarterback in the future. They've identified the problem, which is the entire team.

The Cowboys are the most complete team and could win the Super Bowl

I think the Dallas Cowboys could win a Superbowl this year. They're the most complete team when they're playing well... That's not just offense... not just their defense... but also their special teams.

Jonathan Taylor is the best running back in the NFL

Jonathan Taylor. Yes. The best running back in the NFL right now.

I am officially nervous the Packers will win the Super Bowl

I'm officially, officially nervous that the Packers might have enough to actually win a Superbowl this year... Usually I can see something in the Packers where it's like, nah, they're fraudulent in some way... I'm officially worried because they're winning games in different ways.

The Chargers stink and Justin Herbert looks like garbage right now

The chargers, definitely panic button city right now... Justin Herbert looks like garbage. He had 195 yards passing today. They only ran for 82 yards. No, there they don't feel good. Defense is sus very right now.

The Vikings will make the playoffs

If I had to put my money on it right now I'm going to say it. Vikings will be in the playoffs.

Jalen Hurts might actually be the franchise guy for the Eagles if they put enough around him

The Eagles... they've got a little something going on on offense. I actually can kind of see myself being like, maybe Jalen Hurts is the guy. If you put enough around him. I don't know.

Teddy Bridgewater's refusal to tackle Darius Slay was a terrible 'business decision'

I don't think I've ever seen a bigger business decision than that... All you have to do is just like lay down, pull the Phillip Rivers move... you don't even try just, you know what? It's not a good look, Teddy.

Vegans have nothing to look forward to in life

Vegans gross. Like what do you do? What do you look forward to? Bread? Ice cream? If you're a vegan, tell me what you look forward to? The day you die and you get the sweet release of this hellhole of a life.

Drew Timme is going to be a villain in college basketball who gets on everyone's nerves

Villains: Drew Timme... This man celebrates after every single layup he's going to get on some people's nerves.

The Dolphins will beat the Ravens outright on Thursday Night Football

I'm telling you right now, the Miami Dolphins are ready to play some football tonight. The Baltimore Ravens are in big trouble. Tua [Tagovailoa] is coming back... They're going to win outright tonight.

Lamar Jackson is taking the step to elite quarterbacking

[Lamar Jackson] was the first part of his career, the first three seasons of his career, 0-6, went down double digits in the second half. What is he, 4-0 this year? Coming back from down double digits, he can do it all. He is taking the step to, dare I say it, elite quarterbacking.

Russell Wilson is currently the number one quarterback in the NFL

Lamar [Jackson] is number two... My number one's Russell Wilson.

Cam Newton is the best college football player of all time

Cam Newton getting cut by the Patriots and then playing this entire season for Auburn would have been electric. Yeah, he's the best college football player of all time. Cam Newton's Auburn team, he was doing it himself... the offense stunk out loud.

Cam Newton should move to tight end

I would like to see Cam [Newton] move to tight end. I still think that Cam would be an awesome tight end right now. He's big enough. He's strong enough still. He's fast enough to get the job done as a tight end.

The Rams are dangerously close to super-team status, which never works out

But now the Rams are dangerous. Well, they probably were already there, but they're dangerously close to the super team tag. And that never works out.

Hollywood actors in Marvel movies use a 'Marvel doctor' for HGH

I want to be in [a Marvel movie] just so I can meet their 'doctor feel good'. I want an excuse to have Elvis' bag man come in and hook me up. Because my man, Kumail Nanjiani... I see him in Eternals. And I'm like, 'whatever's going on, I want some of that.'