Takes

Limiting pass interference penalties to 15 yards will cause receivers to be 'mugged' downfield

It's going to be like the purge for the Seahawks receivers more than 15 yards downfield. ... the NFL is going to create a new law that's going to have like a million unintended consequences to it.

The NFL should stop the clock after first downs under two minutes like college football

The only rule I really want to see in the NFL is... I want the NFL to... adopt the clock stops after a first down under two minutes like the college [rule]. Because it makes—you can come back with 45 seconds left. It's awesome to watch.

Cloning your dog is a 'spooky' mistake because the environment and soul will be different

I don't think I would clone my dog. ... You'd raise it in a different environment, so it'd be a little bit different. And then you'd look at it when it wasn't acting like your old dog and be like, 'Who are you? You aren't my dog.' There's something spooky going on here.

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather to try and bond with LeBron James

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather... He's getting on LeBron's level. They're going to have a lot to talk about. They're going to sit next to each other on plane rides and just talk about Fredo.

Kyle Schwarber is going to be a Hall of Famer

That's me with Kyle Schwarber. He's going to be a Hall of Famer. I've said it before. And this is the first step.

In comedy and audio, the 'fatter the funnier'

I say especially when it comes to comedy and audio comedy... the fatter, the funnier, the fatter, the funnier.

Admitting you are a golfer out loud is broken brain territory because President Trump also golfs

So we've talked about it a few times that Donald Trump, President Trump has broken some people's brains. And I would say this guy who is now saying he can't openly admit that he's a golfer because President Trump also golfs. That would be broken brain territory.

Scott Boras is on the hot seat because the MLB collusion against him is working

My other hot seat is Scott Boras. So Scott Boras, the number one MLB agent. He has had a tough offseason. He promised a lot of money to a lot of people, and he hasn't really come through... basically the entire collusion against Scott Boras has worked. And he's especially on the hot seat too because he's trying to convince everyone how he's doing well.

I want to take out high interest loans to invest in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin 2Gen

I don't want to overreact, but I want to take out some high interest loans just so I can invest them in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin [2Gen]. That's how confident I am in this.

Media outlets create fake millennial memes and trends like avocado proposals just to have something to write about

I think someone out there... they either work for New York Times or BuzzFeed is basically creating these fake millennial memes and look at this new trend just so they have something to write about.

Colin Kaepernick's lawyers picked a fight they can't win against Roger Goodell and Papa John

My first hot seat is Colin Kaepernick's lawyers. Uh-oh. Because they picked some fights that they can't win. They're going up against Roger Goodell's two favorite people in the world, his wife and Papa John. ... They're going to ask Papa John if he gave instructions or if he was given instructions by Jerry Jones.

Mutts have stronger genes than purebred dogs because they possess the best traits of all other breeds

Mutts get no respect. Come on. Here's a fun fact about mutts. Their genes are so much stronger because they've got all the best traits of all the other dogs, so they don't ever get sick.

The 'white powder' Esteban Loaiza was caught with is definitely cocaine

Esteban Loaiza got busted with a shitload of cocaine and marijuana, allegedly... I was reading it because they were like, we got this huge bag of white powder. We haven't tested it yet, but we're going to test to see if it's cocaine. I think it's cocaine, guys. Unless he's a baker and we didn't know.

Now is the best time to buy Bitcoin

Isn't now the best time to buy Bitcoin? I'm going to buy more Bitcoin. That's the plan, right? You've got to reinvest. That's just investing 101.

Mike Tice retiring because players 'don't want to be coached' just means he sucks at coaching

Mike Tice is going to retire, and he says it's because players no longer want to be coached... When you say that you're quitting your coaching job because players don't want to be coached, you're just saying, 'I suck at coaching.'

Carson Wentz proposing to his girlfriend right after the Super Bowl was a smart move to protect his job

Did you see Carson Wentz propose to his girlfriend today too? ... That's actually really smart on Wentz's part because his job is being questioned by some people. And the person who may have taken your job [Nick Foles] also is packing an absolute unit. And so you have to lock that shit down.

Nebraska is back because Scott Frost is hospitalizing players with Rabdo

Nebraska is back. Nebraska is back in a very, very big way. Scott Frost just implemented his conditioning program at Nebraska. And he got two players were hospitalized... with Rabdo, which means they're building up some muscles out there. That's a culture change.

The Rockets can take down the Warriors if they stay hot and the Celtics steal one on the road

I am officially saying, as of this date, January 31st, I'm a believer that the Rockets, if they get hot for a couple games... Hank was explaining how the Celtics can beat the Warriors in the NBA Finals... you just win two games and then you just get lucky for two games... I'm a believer if they get hot at the right time, they're going to take down the Warriors.

Amazon's no-employee stores are the beginning of the robot takeover

Amazon opened its first no-employee store... I'm pretty sure this is exactly how the robot takeover starts... I think we're all fucked. So this is basically 1984. This is Big Brother. It exists, but it exists in supermarkets.

Patriots fans will be the classiest fan base in Minnesota during Super Bowl LII

[The Patriots] are going to be the classiest fan base in Minnesota because Minnesota people are coming back to Minnesota with tragic and horror stories about how mean the Philadelphia fans were to them. So it's going to be exciting to see if they try and do anything back to Philly fans next week.

John Gruden is a ginger, which technically makes him a minority

John Gruden's a ginger, so technically a minority. Who knows? But the bottom line is the NFL has ruled they did not violate [the Rooney Rule].

Banning ping pong tables in the locker room leads to playoff success

Sabermetrically, two coaches eliminated ping pong tables from their locker rooms this year. Both of them made the playoffs... Not only did [Doug] Marone get rid of that, but he also got rid of the dominoes table, which is like a multiplier for the ping pong table.

Humans, not rats, were the true cause of the Bubonic Plague

My Cool Throne is rats... turns out they didn't cause the bubonic plague. Really? We've been blaming rats for the last, like, 600 years. Turns out we're way off. No, it's humans. We were projecting on rats.

Dirk Nowitzki is just a poor man's Lauri Markkanen

Fastest player in history to 100 3-pointers, Lauri Markkanen, the Finn Reaper... I actually think it's reversed now. Dirk is just a junkyard Lauri. He's a poor man's [Lauri].

Ben McAdoo is a perfect hire for the Cleveland Browns coaching staff

The Cleveland Browns are officially back because they look like they're going to hire Ben McAdoo, offensive coordinator. I can't think of a better move than the guy who basically made every wrong decision in New York... You're going to fit in perfectly, Ben.

LaVar Ball is disrupting everything as a small business owner

I love every second of it. LaVar Ball pisses off. Because it's like he's disrupting everything. He's created his own shoe company. He's going to create his own league. Like everything he does is just a small business owner just saying fuck you to the big guys. And guess what? People want to watch.

Football is like the mafia because once you're in, you're in for life

This just proves our theory that football is like the mafia. Once you're in, you're in for life. And if you just kind of like stick around long enough, your name will pop back up.

The Illuminati is not real

Here's my take. I don't think the Illuminati is real. I've actually been doing a lot of thinking about this today. If the Illuminati was real, they would be so powerful that they would eventually sue somebody who came after [them]... If they were actually real, they would shut that shit down.

Rodrigo Blankenship will be a third-round pick because he wears glasses

Rodrigo [Blankenship] understands more than most that if you just have a thing as a college athlete you skyrocket your draft appeal. So if he didn't have those glasses, he probably would be maybe a sixth, seventh round pick. He's probably going in the third round because he's the kicker with the glasses.

Jim Harbaugh is not on the hot seat despite criticism from Amani Toomer.

I am not putting [Harbaugh] on the hot seat, but Amani Toomer put him on the hot seat... Amani, you kind of lose everything here by thinking Paris Hilton's a supermodel. [Harbaugh] is not on the hot seat. You're on the hot seat, Amani Toomer, for your lackluster analysis.

The Jaguars' all-black uniforms are a 'grail' and make the team look fast and strong.

The Jaguars, they announced today, they're wearing all black. And so that's a fit... That's a grail. It just screams excellence. Yeah, and it's also just, it looks good on a football field. When TCU does it, it looks good. They look fast. They look, like, strong.

James Harrison is a double agent sent by the Steelers to infiltrate the Patriots

I almost think that he's a double agent, that the Steelers sent him in there... To give fake play calls... James Harrison was saying he was so pissed off at Mike Tomlin... It's like that episode of Homeland where Carrie testified that she hated the CIA and then she went to a mental institution.

Giving Sean McVay credit for the Rams is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae; it's Jeff Fisher's squad

Giving Sean McVay credit for this team is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae. This is Jeff Fisher's squad. This is his team. He invented this team.

Debating whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is the worst argument on Twitter

My other hot seat is people who want to debate Die Hard being a Christmas movie because I do not give a fuck. That actually might be the worst Twitter argument that goes on now. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? That was like five years ago and it wasn't interesting then and it's still even more uninteresting now.

Belichick rescinding Alex Guerrero's credentials is good because friction causes fire and will motivate Tom Brady

It's not a friction. It's actually a good thing. It means Belichick's lighting a fire under Brady's ass because friction causes fire. So Belichick knows he's got to push Brady's buttons if he wants him to keep playing at this level at such an old age.

Colt McCoy is 75% of the quarterback Kirk Cousins is

I think Colt McCoy is about 75% of what Kirk Cousins is. So that's like... 40% of a franchise quarterback.

I am going to kill Dylan 'Tex' Stone at Rough N' Rowdy

My hot seat is Dylan [Tex] Stone. He's the person I'm fighting on Friday, December 15th at the Rough and Rowdy. It might be just because I'm all hyped up on pre-workout right now, but I'm going to fucking kill him.

I am giving up masturbation to get an edge for my upcoming fight

I've decided to give up masturbation. So for those who don't know, Hank is actually fighting. It's a real fight, Rough N Rowdy. December 15th. I need every edge I can get.

The Celtics are saving the NBA and the league's viewership growth is because of them

NBA viewership's up like 32%. Celtics are the best team in basketball, so basically the Celtics are saving the NBA.

Hugging in the workplace is creepy and should be abolished

I think the only thing that's more creepy than hugging somebody at work is writing an article complaining about not being able to hug people at work anymore. ... Hugging sucks. I disavow hugging in general. Fuck hugs.

Stephen A. Smith has a point about his 'Screaming A. Smith' nickname being unfair

Stephen A. Smith says there's racial undertones to anyone who calls him Screamin' A. Smith. So he says there's a lot of people out there who scream. Why don't they get the Screamin' A. Smith nickname? ... I've done some thinking about this out loud, some verbal thoughts, and you're right. I will stop saying screaming.

The NFL hiring cycle is just old GMs hiring their friends from their physical Rolodexes

Ernie Acorsi, because he is now, this is a fun thing that happens in football, when you fire someone for being shitty at football, you hire someone who's been in the NFL forever to go find the next person, and he just hires his friends.

Lacrosse is booming and the sales are up

My cool throne is lacrosse. Nike chairman Phil Knight, he was commenting on the Duke Florida game the other day, and he said, lacrosse is growing. So the sales are up. They're growing, not a show. Business is booming.

Bitcoin is the future and will replace physical money

You think that the dollar bill's in your pocket right now? You think they're going to last forever? You think money's going to last forever? Okay, so Bitcoin's the future, baby. There's not going to be money in the future. There's going to be Bitcoin.

The Celtics have officially overtaken the Patriots as the heart of Boston

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. They're no longer the best team in Boston anymore. The Celtics have won 14 straight. They've captured the heart of the city. Many people are asking who's going to be the next team to lose, the Patriots or the Celtics. I honestly don't know.

Kyrie Irving is significantly better than Isaiah Thomas

I think we need to find every single person who thought that the Kyrie trade wasn't good and ban them from ever watching basketball again. Because Kyrie Irving is so fucking good. And all the people that flipped out about Fultz... Kyrie Irving is... he was finishing at the rim in ways that it took my breath away.

Jeff Fisher is the perfect candidate for the UCLA coaching job

I am so excited for Jeff Fisher to possibly be in our life. Not only is it... It would be so perfect for him to be in the Pac-12 because we would get that 10:30 kickoff time. College football is perfect for Jeff Fisher because if you go 6-6, you go to a bowl game. He rolls out of bed bowl eligible. That would be amazing.

The Cleveland Browns will run the table and make the playoffs

Cleveland Browns are still very much alive to make the playoffs. They run the table. They don't control their own destiny, though. Hey, Cleveland Browns fans, R-E-L-A-X. You're going to run the table. You'll be fine.

Evgeni Malkin is a traitor for joining a pro-Putin social campaign

Evgeni Malkin... listen to the balls on this motherfucker. He is joining a pro-Putin social campaign in America... Malkin, as far as I know, is the one who started it. This son of a bitch is basically a traitor. And he's propping up a dictator who goes after journalists.

Apple intentionally ruins old iPhones via software updates to force users to upgrade

Apple, every single time they release a new iPhone, they do something with the software and they make all of our old iPhones suck. It's fucked up. They just screw up the IOS and they make it drain your battery allegedly... theoretically I'm very woke to this.