Takes

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

Lionel Messi lacks the clutch gene and is likely a relative of Nazi Josef Mengele

I think that Messi might be a relative of a Nazi because a lot of them went to Argentina after the war to try to escape. Now, there was a doctor [Josef Mengele]... He was unable to uncover the clutch gene and isolate it. And that's why, you know, like Hitler, if he had had the clutch gene, he probably wouldn't have choked... Mingel moved to South America, had sex with an Argentinian. A few years later you get [Messi].

Under Armour signed Lionel Messi because they specialize in signing the biggest chokers in sports

Congratulations to Under Armour for apparently signing Lionel Messi to round out their stable of Spieth, Cam Newton, and Steph Curry, the biggest chokers in the world.

JJ Watt eating a raw egg on Jimmy Fallon is condoning mass murder and sweatshops

Each egg is actually like a chicken abortion. So like you're basically condoning mass murder when you eat that egg... eggs are produced in unsanitary hen houses. So they're basically sweatshops for chickens. So that's not cool.

Johnny Manziel should retire from football and play baseball to pull a 'Michael Jordan'

Retire from football, play baseball, come back to football, win three Super Bowls, call it the Michael Jordan.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

Injuring Lionel Messi would increase the popularity of soccer in the United States

I think maybe if you injure Messi, that would be pretty huge for soccer in the United States. Everybody loves a bully. Maybe severely injure Messi and make him not able to play soccer ever again. I think you would get a lot of new fans from the United States. Because if there's anything that fans in the United States hate, it's like a little European-ish guy.

Sports should wait until the end of the game to announce penalties

The USGA said that they weren't going to announce whether or not [Dustin Johnson] was going to be penalized until after his round was over, which is just a great rule. I wish more sports would incorporate something like this. Like if the NBA waited until the fourth quarter to be like, yeah, Steph's foot was on the line for that three-pointer in the first quarter. So we're going to take away one point. Anyone out there who's complaining about this rule is a bad Christian because you don't get to know if you're going to heaven until after you're dead.

Steph Curry throwing his mouthguard at a fan is assault and battery

It's assault, right? Like, let's be honest. It's assault. Steph Curry, I mean, he's an NBA player... he's a professional athlete, probably has some sort of communicable STD, getting hit with that mouth guard. That is grounds for lawsuit. That's assault. I believe it's also battery.

LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce to impress her

Do you think that LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce? I think it's a good possibility... LeBron James played tonight like he was showing off for a certain somebody sitting courtside, if you know what I'm saying.

Sleeping in the same bed as a man isn't gay as long as you keep your suit on

I will say that no man card taken away. People forget. You could sleep with as many dudes in the bed as you want. If you keep your suit on, it's not gay.

Carson Wentz's gas station bathroom story is a fake alibi for doing something else

I don't think this actually happened... I think that Carson was doing something that he wasn't supposed to be doing. And he was setting up an alibi for himself... anytime somebody starts throwing in these unnecessary details about a weird event that happened, it's because they're trying too hard to corroborate their story.

Kyrie Irving's Game 5 performance was more impressive than Steph Curry's typical hot streaks

This is a hot take that I actually think is correct. What Kyrie did game five was more impressive than like when Steph Curry goes off. Because when Steph Curry goes off, he hits a lot of threes... Kyrie was hitting everything. He was hitting floaters. He was hitting jumpers. He was going to the rim.

Draymond Green was secretly rooting against the Warriors in Game 5 so he wouldn't miss the clinching moment

I think Draymond was probably rooting against the Warriors I don't think that's that crazy... Draymond is the kind of guy that he's a little bit more out there emotionally. He's the kind of guy that might feel slighted if he's not part of that winning moment.

The NBA suspended Draymond Green specifically to extend the Finals for ratings

Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy says that the NBA suspended Draymond Green to try to extend the series to get higher ratings and more money. You think? No, duh.

David Stern is still secretly pulling the strings of the NBA behind the scenes

Adam Silver's not. Adam Silver cleaned up the league... Meanwhile David Stern is behind the scenes suspending Draymond Green and getting these ratings... he's the master puppet and I love it.

Draymond Green missed LeBron James' testicles because LeBron is on steroids

Draymond threw a punch directly into the groin and didn't make contact with LeBron James' nuts... steroids, common side effect, shrink the testicles. making them harder to hit, harder to locate. So I think that the fact that Draymond... didn't make contact... that is a major red flag. And if I'm Adam Silver, I'm personally walking a piss cup into the Cavaliers' locker room and making LeBron James urinate into it.

Steph Curry's low-top shoes are sleek and the safest shoes to wear to avoid getting robbed

I like Steph Curry's shoes. I'm here to say that they're sleek... there's no chance that a teenager will ever hit me with 'what are those' if I'm wearing the Steph Curry Lowe's... You also probably won't get knocked out and have your shoes stolen from you, which is also a plus... wear the Steph Currys, be the safest guy in the world.

Steph Curry is playing poorly because he is addicted to opioids

I think that Steph Curry, he got hurt and he got put on some pain medicine... Now he's off the pain medicine. He's off the Vicodin and he's addicted to opioids now. And so like he can't – He's got like a vicious hangover. He can't find a stroke because his arms are shaking.

Cam Newton's next celebration should involve converting to Islam and refusing to stand for the anthem

Cam X, Cameron X, converted to Islam, doesn't stand for the national anthem. His touchdown dances to pray, and then he hands the ball to a black kid. I mean, there we go.

A statement loss to Mexico is what the US soccer team needs to announce its global presence

What you really want – now, I want to see the United States – barely lose to Mexico in a statement loss. And that could be what really announces our presence on the global scale.

Kimbo Slice meant as much to our generation as Muhammad Ali meant to our parents' generation

It's a hot take, but it's kind of the correct take. Kimbo Slice meant a lot, too, to us. Because that early YouTube time, when he – do you remember watching those videos of Kimbo just bashing people's skulls in and saying, what the hell is going on? He was the baddest guy I've ever seen.

Jim Harbaugh is a civil rights leader fighting against NCAA persecution of football

I'm glad that Harbaugh finally has the guts to stand up for Division I major conference men's college football coaches. ... Harbaugh, thank you for standing up for the rights of the most persecuted people in America.

NFL owners might have murdered Roger Goodell and faked a hack to test public reaction

I think it's more probable than not that this was an idea that was floated by the owners just to see – just to kind of like gauge the reaction and see what public sentiment would look like if Roger Goodell were to die. ... Expect Roger Goodell to maybe actually be murdered by – I don't know. Let's call it the Rooneys and the Maras over the course of the next couple of months.

Aaron Rodgers stopping his cheese consumption is a betrayal of his Wisconsin fan base

Aaron Rodgers deciding to stop eating cheese is absolute fucking bullshit. It's a slap in the face to his entire fan base. ... Aaron Rodgers is basically telling all of his fans, all the hardworking people in Wisconsin that buy his jersey ... You just told them they're all fat asses and losers.

The Golden State Warriors are better off without Steph Curry

I've seen enough and I know enough that if you take Steph out of the Warriors, they're just as good, if not better. [They haven't said his name] all series because he's been on the bench all series.

Aqib Talib can extend his career by seven years by capitalizing on his shooting incident

Tlaib may have just extended his career by like seven years. Because now he can get that really sappy E30 with Jeremy Schaap... A second chance is worth like two more contracts. So smart move on Tlaib's part, getting shot, because now he gets like an opportunity to prove himself again.

LeBron James would be a better player if he had gone to college

I think maybe if LeBron James had gone to college, he would be a better player. What do you learn in college? You learn how to make new friends and how to trust other people. LeBron has some trouble with that.

LeBron James peaked in high school

I'll be the first to say it. LeBron James peaked in high school. There it is. Boom.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are the big losers of the Warriors' Game 1 win

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are the big losers of tonight. When it really comes down to it, when you basically had this Warriors team beat and now you're watching this game and you see that the Cavs don't have answers for the Warriors... they're chokers and big time losers again.

I would beat Conor McGregor in a fight if we were both wearing hockey skates

If it was you and Conor McGregor fighting... but you're both wearing hockey skates, who wins? Well man, he's got pretty good balance. I would put my money on myself just because I'm a lot bigger than him.

The 'glowing puck' ruined the NHL and likely caused the 2004-05 lockout

The glowing puck, did they get rid of that because it was easier to play defense? I think they took the non-hockey followers word too seriously and kind of ruined the game. I really think that's probably why the lockout happened.

Dick Vitale should start a second career as a porn critic

Maybe if he [Dick Vitale] just became a full-on porn guy, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. If he woke up in the morning and was like, 'here are my top five favorite porn picks for the day.' Wouldn't you just be like, that kind of fits for Dick Vitale?

Bullying the horse Nyquist off Twitter is a more impressive achievement than winning the Kentucky Derby

Nyquist the horse is a flash in the pan... No one's going to remember Nyquist the horse. Except for the fact that it got bullied off Twitter. That's actually more impressive than the Kentucky Derby. How many Kentucky Derby winners have there been? Like 120? How many horses have been bullied off Twitter?

The horse Nyquist has AIDS

The horse has AIDS. Right. The first thing I did was... Fuck the horse. Both on Twitter and in real life.

Harambe the gorilla committed suicide by zookeeper to escape living in Cincinnati

Did Harambe like plan this whole thing out? When the kid fell in, do you think Harambe was like, this is my chance to finally get out of this fucking place... Like suicide by zookeeper is pretty much what I'm getting at here.

I hope Nyquist the horse dies

I now am fascinated with Nyquist the horse... I hope Nyquist dies. I'll say it. Biggest piece of shit horse. And you know what, Nyquist? That's your horse owner's fault for running a shitty Twitter account. I wouldn't have wished death on you if you just had a semi-normal person running her Twitter account.

Gorillas are more valuable than humans because they are the patriarch of human invention

Technically humans, all those things that are invented by humans, humans are invented by gorillas, right? Like evolution. So wouldn't you say that gorillas are more valuable than humans? They're the patriarch of all those things. They're basically God.

Riley Curry has to go

One thing I will say, I do agree with Big Cat, that Riley Curry, she's got to go. I'm done with Riley Curry.

If Draymond Green was a white guy named Raymond Green, he would be more loved

What if Draymond Green was Raymond Green and he was a white guy? He might be more hated, but he also might get away with—he might also be more loved by a large collection of the audience there... if you're a white guy, you can get away with being dirty a little bit better because you just naturally look uncoordinated when you fall down... so people believe you when you're just like flopping down. So if Draymond were white, I actually think he would be more loved overall.

Women's lacrosse is not a real sport because Northwestern is good at it

Also, Northwestern won a national title, and if Northwestern can win a national title in the sport we're talking about, that's not a real sport. So women's lacrosse, sorry, not a real sport.

People who camp outside NFL facilities for tryouts are terrorists

The people that camp outside of NFL training facilities holding signs that say, 'Let me get a tryout. All I need is a shot. I'm hungry.' They're pretty much terrorists because what they're doing is they're going on like a hunger strike... You can't bypass the system.

Nyquist the horse is a total pussy

Secretary [sic] never called in sick, which is a fact. You can look that up. By the way, this horse is a total pussy. He's clearly a bully horse that's like trying to pick on—he's so mad that he got beat this one time. He doesn't know how to handle it. He just quits and tells everybody to make fun of the better horse.

Sidney Crosby is a less classy player than Alex Ovechkin because he touched the Prince of Wales Trophy

What I care about is that Sidney Crosby touched the trophy. He touched the trophy. Big no-no. You know who's never touched that trophy? Alexander Ovechkin. That's why he is a classier player than Sidney Crosby. That's why he doesn't have bad luck. That's right.

NFL players should only be allowed to have sex from May to August to ensure offseason births

I've been a long-standing fan of this policy for the NFL... I think that players should only be able to have sex through the months of, what is it, like May through August to time it so that you have an offseason baby. Because I hate it when Joe Flacco has to miss the Pro Bowl or threaten.

The St. Louis Cardinals 'statement loss' is a ridiculous spin by a losing team

My favorite team in Major League Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals, they had a statement loss against my actual favorite team, the Cubs, on Wednesday. They showed determination and grit, that's a quote, when they lost to the Cubs. Colton Wong said, 'I think we still made a statement in the loss.' In the loss? Don't let the Cardinals get too hot with all these statement losses they're throwing out there.

J.J. Watt is lazy for watching the NBA playoffs and the Spelling Bee on his couch

Sounds like he wasn't paying his rent for his success tonight. Sounds like he should have been in the gym instead of sitting on the couch watching TV, taking his athletic ability for granted. Sounds like he's going to be late on his success rent.

You don't need an MCL to shoot a basketball

Last time I checked, you don't score with your MCL. You score with your hands and your eyes. What did they teach you when you were learning to shoot? Balance, eyes, elbow, follow through. It's not beef and call. There's no MCL in there.

The Mets should ban the media from reporting Matt Harvey's ERA

The Mets need to send out a release to all the press people saying, you're not allowed to cover our games. You're not getting a credential if you talk about what Matt Harvey's ERA is. So just put a moratorium on bad Matt Harvey talk.

Matt Harvey needs to start partying and doing cocaine to find his form

I also think he needs to party again. He used to be a party boy... I would say either get the Mets to basically make it a rule that no one can say anything bad about you or start doing a bunch of cocaine.