Takes

Andy Dalton would be a game-changing middle linebacker and defensive tone-setter

I think you'd really got to put Andy Dalton in the middle linebacker. He's really the tone setter of the team. And I think to really put him in the middle of the field to make all the calls and checks, I think that's just a real game changer.

Andy Dalton's red hair gives the Bengals an unfair competitive advantage

His hair seems to be almost more red than it was last year. Like he's doubling down on his Dalton. Do you think it's unfair that Andy Dalton has something different than any other quarterback in the NFL? There's no way that you can game plan for that. What are you going to put in on scout team? Are you going to hire one of the guys from Pete and Pete to be a situational scout team player so that you can prepare for that on Sunday?

The correct touchdown dance is handing the ball to the ref and acting like you've been there before

Both are incorrect answers. The answer is you hand the ball to the official and you act like you've been there before.

Christians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination

Based on empirical evidence, Christians are much more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You've never heard a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And guess what? Jesus is the leading receiver of all time.

Arian Foster should convert to Christianity to improve his play

Arian Foster is a noted atheist. If there's one thing that God hates more than the devil, it's people like Foster who don't have the courage to believe in anything beyond the nose on their face.

Atheism is the default setting for humans — a lazy man's religion

Atheism, it's a lazy man's religion because it's the default setting for humans. When you get reincarnated, God hits the reset to manufacturer specifications button on your soul, and it's up to you to figure out a way out of the mess.

DeAngelo Williams needs to understand America cares about his highlights on the field, not in his hair

What DeAngelo Williams needs to understand is that America cares more about the highlights he puts on the field than the highlights he puts in his hair.

The NFL needs an awareness month for fans who don't have cancer

I think at the same token, the NFL needs to also have an awareness month for their fans who don't have cancer, to be fair.

Build a wall around Washington D.C. instead of the border

A wall is not going to keep people from invading our country at all. What we need to do is we need to actually build a wall around Washington, D.C. to keep everybody in. We tell them, hey, we're building this to protect you from invaders and immigration. But in reality, we've got them right where we want them and where we can keep an eye on them. And then all of us on the outside get to do whatever the hell we want.

Brady's pee is excellence — getting peed on by him means second base with Gisele

If you look at Brady's piss, on the other hand, Brady's piss consists primarily of excellence. And plus, with the transitive property of genitalia, if Brady pees on my hands, then I've technically gotten to second base with Giselle. So, gotta lean Brady on this one.

More players should pull a John Elway and refuse to play for anyone but their hometown team

I don't know why more players don't come from college and pull a John Elway and pull themselves out of the draft and refuse to play for any other team except the one that is closest geographically to their hometown. That's what I would do. I guess I'm a little bit more old-fashioned than most people.

Water makes you weak — real football players do swish and spit

When I was a high school football player, I used to always tell the underclassmen that water makes you weak. So we do like swish and spit.

Chris Long's Waterboys should focus on building gyms, not wells

Don't you think human beings -- aren't you doing them a disservice? Shouldn't you be focusing your efforts to build them a gym or a foam room?

Defensive ends should jimmy tap quarterbacks to get sacks

If you're coming off the edge, a lot of times you take an angle directly at the quarterback, and that's exactly what the offensive tackle is expecting you to do. So what you could do maybe instead is take an angle just a little bit inside of the quarterback, and while you're running past him, just hit him real quick with a jimmy tap right between the legs. Right in the dick. I don't feel like that technique is emphasized enough in today's coaching environment. It's almost a technique that you have to imagine Belichick is emphasizing right now before they change the rules, before it gets exploited.

The Jeff Fisher 'bend but don't break' defense actually refers to players hyperextending their knees

And you worked so hard that you hyperextended your knee, right? See, that's the Jeff Fisher defense. It's bend but don't break.

Joe Flacco is not elite — Serial investigation

Is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback? This week's episode: he gets paid like one. Could it be a coincidence that Flacco had bet on himself going into the best season of all time? You have to ask yourself, who stood to gain from Flacco's Super Bowl victory? And the answer is, you guessed it, Joe Flacco. Just weeks after winning the championship, the Ravens rewarded him with a six-year, $120 million contract. You can't make this stuff up, folks. It's as plain as the nose underneath your eyebrow. Not Elite.

Ray Nagin spent New Orleans' electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes

The Superdome lights burned out because the city of New Orleans hadn't paid their bills. Former Mayor Ray Nagin had spent the entire city's electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes.

Flacco disappeared for 15 minutes during the Super Bowl blackout and no one can account for his whereabouts

When asked what he was doing during the half-hour break, Flacco says he doesn't recall, and that he was probably just hanging out with friends and stuff. But that doesn't really check out when you dig into it, especially when you consider that there was about 15 minutes of game time where Flacco disappeared, no stats at all, and no one can account for his whereabouts.

If you're PC police, you have to tell me — otherwise it's entrapment

If you're a PC police, you have to tell me. Otherwise, it's entrapment. I know my rights.

James Harrison was right to take away his son's participation trophy

He made some news last month when he rightfully stole his six-year-old son's participation trophy because he didn't feel that his son had earned it. And while Harrison was without a doubt correct in doing this, he didn't have to throw it all over the news to get a pat on the back from the national media just for doing the right thing that he's supposed to do.

The Steelers are a team that conducts business the right way

Overall, the Steelers are their team that conducts business the right way. In fact, I think it was team owner Art Rooney that pulled Harrison aside and really backed him up back in 2008 when Harrison got arrested for domestic assault. Of course, I'm not here to condone domestic assault, but you have to look at the facts and wait for all the facts to come out.

Baptism is the ultimate participation trophy

When you think about it, isn't baptizing a child the ultimate participation trophy? They haven't earned shit yet. They're just a little kid. And you're trying to get them into the kingdom of heaven? I'm sorry, maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but that's some bullshit. You have to go out there and you have to earn eternal salvation. All of a sudden, we're giving this kid the keys to the kingdom just for showing up? That doesn't sound like the God I know. My God doesn't like moochers.

Cam Newton hasn't earned the right to get calls from refs

Last weekend he was complaining to the ref, he was whining about beating the New Orleans Saints because Ed Hochuli didn't give him a call. And Ed Hochuli told them, you haven't earned the right to get that call yet. You haven't been in the league long enough to get that call. It's more entitlement.

Two sprained ankles is better than one because at least you're symmetrical

We got Jason Witten. Two sprained ankles. You know the old saying in the NFL, if you've got two sprained ankles, you don't have one. And I'd rather have both my feet hurt than just one because now at least you're symmetrical. Jason Witten, he's hurt, not injured.

Jason Pierre-Paul is injured because the game is literally called football, not handball

He's been sitting out the past couple of weeks with a blown up hand, really milking it. And the name of the game is literally football. How important is your hand? This isn't pinch ball or smoke a cigarette ball. And again, it makes sense that a guy who lost both his thumb and forefinger is out there missing snaps. So I'll give this one to him. I'm not happy about it. JPP is injured.

Aaron Rodgers has about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck

Quarterback wins are kind of like a woman's eggs. Because most people don't realize it but a woman, she's only born with a finite number of eggs. So with quarterbacks, it's the exact same thing because they've only got a certain amount of wins that are in their system. If they don't space them out, then they start to regress early. I think he's got about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck.

Playing on more dangerous surfaces makes football safer

We're making the game less safe by no longer playing it on concrete. And now we're adding like a new bar to the face mask every week. And it's counterintuitive, but if you look at it from a macro point of view, which I am, if you want players to care about their safety a little bit more, then you need to force them to play on more dangerous surfaces.

Joe Flacco is so elite that his lightning-fast offense literally blew out the Superdome scoreboard in Super Bowl XLVII

My subsequent investigation determined that the 21-point first-half beatdown that Baltimore hung all over the 49ers was the highest first-half point total in the Dome that year... The scoreboard simply couldn't handle all the electricity needed to keep up with Flacco's lightning, quick-release and high-voltage offense. Quite simply, he blew the scoreboard out. That sounds pretty damn elite to me.

Nick Saban was right to pass on Drew Brees so the Dolphins could afford 'impact players' like Mike Wallace and Ndamukong Suh

Nick Saban gets a bum rap for bailing out on the Dolphins... but in reality, Drew Brees' shoulder... it was the sword of Damocles, and it was hanging by a labrum. And now, oh, now he's looking like a big hero because he didn't sign him... if Saban had brought Brees to Miami, then the entire franchise would be hamstrung by that big contract, and they wouldn't be able to go out and afford impact players like you've got your Mike Wallaces and you've got your Ndamukong Suhs that they're bringing to town.

Adolf Hitler would have been a Seattle Seahawks fan

Hitler, who do you think his team would be? I say it's the Seahawks, and let me tell you why. Because A, we know that his team is going to be easily swayed with things like candy, right? Marshawn Lynch loves Skittles.

Hitler canceling football seasons is an underrated bad thing he did

If you really like football, he probably wouldn't have started World War II, which de facto canceled the 1942 through 1944 NFL seasons. It wasn't called the NFL, but he canceled football. So in the first place, that's kind of fucked up. And nobody really talks about that when they're talking about all the bad stuff Hitler did. So I'd like to kind of raise a little bit of awareness there.

Hitler would have been a Redskins fan because he'd see eye-to-eye with Dan Snyder, or a Cowboys fan because Jerry Jones puts stars on uniforms

I think without a doubt, he would have been a Redskins fan. He was so small that, ironically, he probably would have seen eye-to-eye with Dan Snyder... Maybe he might have pulled for the Cowboys, too. The Cowboys got an insane old guy running the team that likes to put stars on the side of their players' uniforms, so that seems like he'd be right up his alley.

Concussions aren't real

Concussions aren't real. Well, I probably had my brain nicked up a couple times, but if you can pee straighter than you can see after having sex, then that just means you're doing it wrong.

Terry Bradshaw was the first NFL player to thank God, making all pre-1972 players blasphemers

My understanding is that the honor belongs to Terry Bradshaw. It was after the Immaculate Reception. And if you look at it from the other way, you can honestly say that every player that played in the NFL before 1972 is probably burning in hell for blasphemy.

Mike Ditka would have beaten Obama in a debate by pulling out a Super Bowl ring

To be a fly on the wall at those debates would have been all time. There's no way that Ditka loses. No chance at all. Obama starts talking about mumbo jumbo about how vouchers destroy inner city schools. And Ditka just pulls out a Super Bowl ring and sticks it in his face and lights a cigar. And maybe Mike Ditka would be president of the United States now.

Ditka's would-be supporters went on to root for Donald Trump

Instead, I guess he's got all of his supporters that would go on to root for Donald Trump after they had a stroke or something.

Sammy Baugh led the league in interceptions while also being a punter and quarterback

A lot of people forget that Sammy Baugh was a punter and also a quarterback and also led the league in interceptions. You don't see that too much because players are pussies nowadays.

John Fox saying you need more than zero points to win is a stats lie

Bears coach John Fox said, 'We need to generate more than zero points to win games.' I fact checked it and went to the archives. Big shout out to the guys at Pro Football Focus. In 1921, the Rochester Jeffersons forfeited to the Washington Senators because the field was unplayable. So Washington literally scored no points and walked away with a huge road win. You've got to be smarter than this if you're a head coach like John Fox.

Danny Woodhead is not deceptively athletic, he's undeceptively athletic

Some people say that you're deceptively athletic, but I just think that you're undeceptively athletic, and it should be plain to anybody watching you.

Danny Woodhead not getting a penalty shouldn't be celebrated — I don't get an award for completing probation

I respect the fact that you have never been penalized in the NFL. I think it's impressive, but isn't it a little bit silly that people are celebrating you for not breaking the law? Like, it's sad that it's come to the point where you've got literally only one player in the league who plays by the rules. It's like I don't get an award if I complete my probation without breaking back into the pet store.

Grit Coins are my own electronic currency and are legal tender in many states

Grit coins... That's my currency that I made my own electronic currency. Well, somebody actually, someone else designed it for me, but yeah, those are actually legal tender in many states.