Takes

I used to think that if you dug a deep enough hole in the ground, you would eventually reach China

If you dug deep enough you could reach China. I honestly thought that I could... every kid and I I was probably is is that wrong? ... I looked this up a couple months ago. It's actually embarrassing how shallow the deepest hole ever dug is.

I used to think that kissing was the same thing as having sex

Kissing equals sex... that I thought for a long time. That's a really good one. That's how you thought babies were made... whether you say sex or go, they're kissing. I was like, oh, they're naked kissing... because you would watch a movie and they would [kiss] and then whatever.

I used to think that jumping at the last second in a falling elevator would save your life

If you're an elevator and it falls and you jump at the end, you survive... I just looked it up. It's not true. It's not true. You would die.

TV reruns are actually actors performing the exact same script live for a second time

I used to think that when you'd watch a rerun of a show on TV, that it was an all new taping of the exact same script... I thought that like, I'd be watching Saved by the Bell... They're doing the same song, but they're just taping it again for us.

I used to think my testicles were made of Play-Doh and that eating actual Play-Doh would make them grow bigger

I thought my balls, my testicles were Play-Doh. So when my parents told me don't eat Play-Doh, I thought they were trying to be like, Hey don't eat Play-Doh because your balls will just get bigger because it will just go right to your balls... You just don't know what they are when you're a little kid and you start touching 'em, you're like, this is weird. I'm like, oh, it must be Play-Doh.

I used to believe that all adults were smart and understood exactly what was going on

I honestly used to think that every adult was smart. I thought if you were grown up, you knew what was going on. And then you grow up and you're like, we're all dumb. No, we're all really fucking dumb. I was probably smarter when I was a kid than I am now.

Chocolate milk comes from brown cows

I thought chocolate milk came from brown cows... I was up north driving past a brown cow and I pointed to my cousin, I said, you know, chocolate milk comes from those things.

Nutty Bars are a top-tier snack pick

Gonna go with Nutty Bars. Love them. Love them. Yeah. You know that You'll get my vote on that. It's a solid pick.

Doritos are the best snack

I will go with Doritos. Cool Ranch Doritos are my favorite. Doritos are the best. They really are the best.

You would choose pizza over donuts for the rest of your life because you can't eat donuts every day

If it's pizza or donuts for the rest of your life, you'd have to take pizza. Like, I'm just being honest, like I love donuts, but you can't eat donuts every day. You could eat pizza almost every day.

Pie is vastly superior to cake as a dessert

I'm more of a pie guy than I'm a cake guy. I think pie clears cake all day. Birthday cake. Pretty decent pie. Vastly superior.

Ice cream is vastly superior to cake for birthday celebrations

Ice cream is better than cake. Why don't they just do ice cream at every birthday? No, they do cake way more than ice cream at a birthday. [Ice cream] is better.

The tennis ball is the most versatile ball for individual use

Tennis balls I think are more versatile than a baseball or a golf ball. If you had the option to be left alone with a tennis ball, a golf ball or baseball... it's tennis ball all day. You throw it against the wall, bounce it off the ground, throw it up to yourself.

A bowl is a perfect delivery vessel because you never have a bad meal served in one

There's nothing really that you have a bad bowl of. You know what I mean? When you're getting, when you're getting a bowl out, you're getting just good. It's like soup, ice cream. Cereal. A bowl delivers great things.

Waffles are superior to pancakes in every way

I'm going to go waffles. Love waffles. Superior to pancakes in every way. Waffles versatile. You can go sweet... or you can go savory. The nooks and crannies make it.

Breakfast burritos are better than breakfast tacos outside of Austin

In Austin, you are correct [that tacos are better]. But the rest of the country breakfast burrito is always better than a breakfast taco. Where have you had a good breakfast taco outside of Austin? Breakfast tacos are good, but they're like a, they're a treat for like certain parts of the country.

The Taco Bell Breakfast Crunchwrap is the best fast food item in the entire world

This is my, maybe my favorite item that you can purchase at a fast food restaurant in the entire world. The Taco Bell Breakfast Crunchwrap. It is so fucking good. I want, I'm gonna order one tomorrow.

Cold pizza is an elite breakfast food

I think it's an elite breakfast: cold slice of pizza. So good. It's zero calorie. Tastes great. Just put a little hot sauce on it. Yeah, it's great. I love, I love having pizza for breakfast.

Patrick Mahomes is the 'animal' I would most like to be

I would like to be Patrick Mahomes. Humans are animals. Scientifically, they are, they literally are animals. If you could pick any animal to be, Patrick Mahomes would be a pretty fucking sick animal to be.

Meatball salad is an excellent Italian staple

I'm gonna go mushrooms... I always pick meatball. Great salad. Meatball salad is an excellent salad. It's an Italian thing. Meatball salad.

Pineapple absolutely belongs on pizza

I fucking love pineapple on pizza. I love pineapple with, with barbecue chicken on a pizza... At what point did it become a thing where people are like, pineapple doesn't belong on pizza?

Seasons three through eight of The Simpsons are the best television ever made.

I think Seasons three through eight on The Simpsons are the best TV ever made.

MVP Baseball 2005 is the greatest baseball game ever created

MVP Baseball 2005 was the greatest baseball player—was MVP Baseball? Yeah. The greatest baseball game. I think '04 as well was very good... those two versions were so, so elite.

It is almost impossible to get a bad version of a BLT

I'll go with BLT. Classic. Never fails. Some of these sandwiches, you can get bad versions of them. It's almost impossible to get a bad version of A BLT.

A Chicken Club sandwich is much better than a Turkey Club

I'm gonna go with chicken club. Much better than a Turkey club. Oh, much better.

The Banh Mi is the best sandwich in the world

I'm gonna go with it Bon me [Banh Mi] the Vietnamese sandwich. It's so, fuck. I, I think it's rated as like the best sandwich in the world. I read that a couple places... It's awesome. Yeah. It's, I would say it's worthy of a first round grade.

Pimento cheese is an overrated sandwich filling

I think pimento cheese is overrated... The problem with pimento cheese is there's absolutely no crunch or hard factor in there. It's just soft. Just soft.

Chicken wings are the best food and would be my number one overall pick in a food draft

Chicken wings is my favorite. It is the best food. I would take it one, one in a food draft.

Lobster meat is definitely meat because it is a crustacean

Lobster meat is considered meat because it is a crustacean and a type of seafood. ... [To Max] You grew up in a dumb household [if you think fish isn't meat].

Titties are a type of meat

Titties is meat. Great choice. ... They're made out of meat. ... Is it the Mount Rushmore meat that you eat? Fact or fiction. ... I enjoy looking at the meat.

CrossFit is the ultimate hobby that consumes a person's life and language

CrossFit. It consumes your life. You have to start recruiting other people to go to CrossFit. You put stickers all over your cars, stickers on your laptops... The one that they, they speak in CrossFit language. Yeah. And they, they ask each other constantly. How'd you do on the workout of the day?

Swifties are the number one hobby that becomes an entire personality

Obviously my one one or I guess one two Swifties. I mean, they're the cra they're the number one. Yeah. Right now they're the number one. Yeah. That is their hobby. That becomes their entire personality. Swifties If. you If you see a swifty online. That's all they want to talk about is Swifties.

Disney Adults are the weirdest people in the world

Disney adults. They're the weirdest people in the, the world now... There's a lot of people out there that get married at Disney World. Yeah. Get propose at Disney World. Yeah. They dress up as Disney characters. And I actually think... Disney adults, their hobby becomes their personality traits because the rest of the world no longer accepts 'em.

Wishing yourself a Happy Mother's Day or Father's Day for owning a dog is the craziest thing ever

When a person wishes themselves Happy Mother's or Father's Day when you have just a dog. That's the craziest thing I've ever fucking seen in my life. The craziest thing was actually our guy Tony P in DC... 'what Father's Day means to me as an aspiring father.' That one was a little too much.

Being a 'wife guy' or significant other enthusiast is a hobby that becomes a personality

I was gonna just do like significant other, like when a guy gets a new girlfriend or a girl gets a new boyfriend and they just start posting about them 24/7... significant it plays together is more that's, that's more hobby-ish.

The ultimate drunk question to ask the boys is if you should 'call your guy'

Be safe out there kids, but should I call my guy? ... I think we all know what that means. Should I call my guy? That's a good pick.

The staple of being drunk with the boys is making aggressive plans for the next day that you won't keep

Making super aggressive plans for the next day that you're not gonna do [is a staple of being drunk with the boys]... like let's run it back tomorrow. Let's get brunch tomorrow. You know that nobody's gonna wake up before 10:00 AM.

Everyone has one friend who thinks every woman they interact with is into them

Everyone has that one friend that thinks every chick is into him. You're like, dude, that's just not possible.

Chris Paul will never win a championship

Second pick is gonna be Chris Paul. Chris Paul can't win the big one. Just can't do it. He's never gonna win the big one.

Caitlin Clark is officially on the 'can't win the big one' list until she wins a professional title

Caitlin Clark can't win the big one. She has not been able to win the big one. She literally college cannot win the big one and I don't know what else you could say about it. That's gonna get people real mad. Angel Reese can win the big one, she's a better winner.

I am willing a Tom Brady return to the Patriots into existence

If I'm gonna put it on my Florio hat real quick here... I will Tom Brady back to the Patriots. ... Tom Brady has been linked to conversations coming back to New England Patriots this year per us.

The losers of the 2023 Mount Rushmore competition will have to do a 24-hour stream with their partner

This is it. This is a finale of Mount Rushmore season... someone will be in a 24 hour stream with their partner for all of us to watch narrate.

Donald Trump's 2016 Republican debate performance is a first-ballot Hall of Fame ass-kicking

The one that we, no one's gonna pick, but I do actually think it is a 1-1. It is Trump and the Republican debates. Trump versus all the other Republicans. He just fucking smoked him. He ended all their careers. Ted Cruz, your wife's ugly. Marco Rubio's got a small penis. He just great school bullied them all. It was a total ass kicking.

Kanye West's 'College Trilogy' is the best pound-for-pound album trilogy in history

To separate the art from the artist Right. And understand that these are maybe the three like pound for pound best albums out there... It is Kanye West College Dropout Late Registration. Graduation. They call it the College trilogy.

The Godfather Part III is so bad that it ruins the whole movie trilogy

Godfather three... one and two are so good... The Tri literally just say the Godfather of three doesn't exist. It like they try to make it so it's not a trilogy... The trilogy then sinks the whole trilogy within itself. That's not, that is incorrect.

I bet Hank $50,000 that the Patriots won't make a Super Bowl in the next five years

Hank and I have a five year Super Bowl bet. If the Patriots don't get back to the Super Bowl in the next five years... If they do get there in the next five years, I owe Hank $50,000. If they don't, he owes me 20 grand.

The Nick Castellanos home run apology call is one of the greatest moments in broadcasting history

It is such a hilarious funny call. Iconic call became a meme. It's like one of those things that I can't wait till my kids are older and be like, let me show you this video... and let me set the stage for you. Apologize for the what? Call of my life.

Having kids is a massive money pit

I want to say that I don't see this as a waste, but it is a waste. Having kids is just... it's a money pit. ... If you buy a kid a toy, they play with it for about five minutes. Then they're like, I'm gonna play with your fucking shoes or something that could kill me. ... You should actually just adopt your kids when they're 17 years old. You spend way less money on them.

If you are a bad gambler, gambling is a massive waste of money

Yes, you lose money gambling. And I'm very open about the fact that I'm a loser. ... If you bet within your means, it doesn't hurt.

Hosting the World Cup or Olympics is a massive waste of money for a country

Hosting the World Cup or the Olympics. ... Hosting a massive world event. I think Qatar spent like $2 trillion or some bullshit hosting the World Cup. ... At the end of the day, they're gonna have stadiums all around their country that are never gonna get used again. ... Have you seen the Chinese stadiums? They're like, I think wolves live there now.