Takes

Pete Carroll is coaching for his job and is just a manager of talent rather than an X's and O's guy

I think that Pete Carroll might be coaching for his job. What the absence of Russell Wilson has shown is that Pete Carroll, without an elite quarterback... Russell Wilson has been doing a lot to keep Pete Carroll looking like a great coach. I don't think he has a great X's and O's guy. I don't think he's a good decision maker.

The Chicago Bulls are officially back

My cool throne is the Bulls because Bulls are back. They're the last undefeated team in the East. They are good.

The Red Sox are the best team in baseball and will win the World Series

It's just crazy that the red Sox are just going to win the world series again... They're not that good. They're not that good. Oh, but now they're just the best team in baseball. Yeah. They're like killing the Astros.

Ben Simmons will face an all-time 'boo-fest' upon his return to Philadelphia

Ben Simmons has arrived in Philadelphia, took a COVID-19 test as required by NBA protocol... I love going to a good boo-fest. Going to the Sixers' first game, I might have to figure out, talk to Tick Pick and get out there. So perfect that it's Philly... Philly's going to roast him.

You cannot be a diehard fan of two rival teams from the same city

I agree with this premise, by the way. If you are a diehard fan of one team from your hometown, you can't be a diehard fan of the equal and opposite team from that hometown... if you're John Cusack and you grew up in Chicago... he's a guy that should only be able to pick one of those two teams.

The upcoming Game of Thrones prequel will be disappointing because it reminds fans of the original show's ending

The end of Game of Thrones sucks. And they're never making more Game of Thrones ever again. So even though if this is good, it's still one of those things where if you watch it, you're like, this is the best series ever. Can't wait to see what happens. That person is going to be disappointed. It's going to bring back feelings of just like sadness.

Bally Sports has the worst on-screen presentation

The only thing I can say is fuck Bally Sports. They have the worst by far [on-screen presentation].

Joe West is a baseball great and deserves appreciation

Joe West is what we need. He's an all-time great. Joe West is baseball. And if you don't like Joe West, you got a dump in your pants.

If you haven't been to the dentist in over three years, just never go again

Anyone who has not been there for more than three years, just never go again ever... she was the dental hygienist was just ripping up my mouth, blood everywhere. And she was like, if you did, if you came in every six months, none of this would have happened. And I was like, well, what if I just never came in again? None of this would've happened... I would recommend it to all of you... It is absolutely the worst.

Matt Nagy is now a full-blown clown car

Matt Nagy, because I think actually now he's full clown car... afterwards he left his press conference. He finished his press conference. He sent someone from Bears PR back out to tell the reporters, Andy Dalton is the team starting quarterback. When he is healthy... so now it's just, now he's a clown car.

Mickey Sudo might beat Joey Chestnut in the next Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Mickey Sudo only ate 45 hot dogs for the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. So she was able to eat way more bratwurst, even though they're bigger... if these trends are correct, Joey Chestnut might get knocked off this next hot dog eating contest. I'm just saying by a woman.

Mitch Trubisky is better than Taylor Heinicke

I wouldn't hate Mitch Trubisky on the football team... He's better than Taylor Heinicke... He absolutely is.

Matt Nagy has lost credibility with the Bears locker room by benching Justin Fields

I do think that we're getting close to the point where Matt Nagy is going to lose credibility with his team if he doesn't play Justin Fields. He's already lost it.

Spirit Halloween will have a massive year because of vacant retail space

I think also this is going to be a huge year for Spirit Halloween because we had so many businesses that totally went out of business over the last year. There's so much more retail space. There could be one on every single block.

Putting mayo on a turkey sandwich is the most American thing you can eat

A perfectly normal amount of mayo on a tuna fish sandwich or a turkey sandwich, that's the most American thing that you can eat.

Coach Prime is objectively better than Hard Knocks

Coach prime. It's like a Barstool version of hard knocks. Deion Sanders, Jackson state. It's out now. It's better than hard knocks objectively. No bias.

Jake Paul used performance enhancing drugs for the Tyron Woodley fight

It came out that there was no drug testing for that fight. Jake Paul probably wrote it up. I didn't want to say anything, but in Caleb's interview you can see acne right around is like, just really bad. But what about his nipples? Anyone can see their ConEd.

Tommy Fury is a terrible boxer despite his looks

Tommy fury is the most attractive man in the world and a terrible boxer. That's that's my, I think he'd fuck Jake Paul up. I don't, I, I don't think so. He fought someone who was like eight inches smaller than him. And he wasn't able to knock [him out].

Cam Newton's absence due to COVID protocols has opened a major window for Mac Jones

my hot seat is cam Newton... One important member of the [Patriots] organization believes this has opened a window of opportunity for rookie Mac Jones team practice today. And then with New York giant... if you fuck up your commitments to the team, like it's an advantage for Mac Jones to get playing time.

Jameis Winston is the Saints' clear starter and Taysom Hill should remain a gimmick player

My cool throne is Jameis Winston. Cause he's incredible... unbelievable shut up about Taysom Hill... These [media] people were going in on how Taysom Hill didn't get a real shot. Taysom Hill is getting paid a lot of money to be a gimmick quarterback. And he should be happy with how much like he's in that sweet spot. He should never try to do too much because everyone was like, wow, what a great weapon that he is when he has to throw the ball 30 times. He's not a great weapon.

Jameis Winston is a future Hall of Famer

if you have Jameis Winston, future hall of Famer, or you have Taysom Hill who threw one pass last night, that it might've been the worst pass I've ever seen.

The Jaguars will fail Trevor Lawrence, not the other way around

I'm gonna, I'm going to switch the narrative on Trevor Lawrence. I think that it's the Jack, the Jaguars will fail Trevor Lawrence, not Trevor Lawrence failing the Jaguars because they don't put a team around him. Like I, I think he's going to be great if they can put a little bit of a team around it.

John Mara is the driving force behind the NFL's new 'anti-fun' taunting penalty

Co-owner John Mara was the driving force behind the new taunting penalty in the NFL... It's honestly stupid... Mr. Mara, he is the man. He is the machine that needs to be raged against. He looks like when you die, if you still have a boss, that's what he looks like.

The Tim Tebow tight end experiment was a farce and he sucked

My hot seat is anyone who likes Tim Tebow because he got cut and the farce of Tim Tebow actually trying out for the Jacksonville Jaguars and being a tight end... I'm just sick of Tim Tebow, especially the fact that he was asked to be a tight end like 10 years ago when he was still in the NFL said no. And now he tried again and he sucked.

NFL jerseys will eventually have advertising patches like the NBA and NHL

The NHL, like the NBA, is adding advertising to the front of the jerseys in 2022. I feel like it's inevitable for NFL.

Ben Simmons is a 'penny stock' worth investing in right now

I'm kind of low key addicted to Ben Simmons because he really is like a penny stock. If he could figure it out a little bit, it would be incredible. Like he would be, you know, a starter on the all-star team because he has all the other stuff. Defense, passing, dribbling... If he could just figure out when to shoot and have the balls to shoot, I'm telling you invest now.

The NFL's new taunting rules are bad for the game of football

I see it as taunting. So the NFL came out with new rules... I love this. [Sarcastic] Oh yeah, no fuck for the game. No, no, no, no, no. I love this.

Sam Ehlinger will be a better NFL quarterback than Trevor Lawrence

Sam Ehlinger has been taking reps with the first team offense... Sam Ehlinger was going to be better than Trevor Lawrence. That was a 12-1 upset [in my bracket].

The 49ers are only saying Jimmy Garoppolo is playing well to pump his trade value before sending him to the Colts

John Lynch went on Adam Schefter's podcast, said that Jimmy is playing his best football since he's been here, which sounds to me like a general manager pumping a guy up before they send him somewhere else, maybe to a place like Indianapolis.

The U.S. women's soccer team sucks at soccer now

My hot seat is the U.S. women's soccer team because they lost and we stink... I tweeted about like, oh, we suck at soccer now.

You need at least $50 million in the bank to successfully use your parents' wealth to get out of jail

He was screaming like, my parents have $2 million. That's a lot of money, but it's also not like... I feel like if you're trying to get out of jail for free, your parents have to have like $50 million.

Jackass Forever will be the start of a massive streak of movie hits.

Jackass Forever, the trailer came out... and I feel like it's just going to be hit after hit after hit after hit for the next few months because there's so much of a backlog [from the pandemic].

The Houston Texans might not even play the upcoming NFL season.

I wouldn't be shocked if the Texans were like, we're not doing this season... we might've reported that the Texans won't play the season like three months ago. It's exclusive. They're going to stink a lot.

Tom Brady will run for President of the United States in the future.

I will have a comment on [Tom Brady's] performance at the White House. He looked great standing up there speaking to our nation. I could see it happening in the future. I really can... I am running for President. He was great dropping jokes. Good looking guy. Everyone loves him. Winner.

Banning the shift would be awesome for baseball

He's considering banning the shift in the next year, which I think that'd be awesome to do.

Olympic horses should receive medals instead of the human riders

Why are we giving the people who ride on the horses medals? Like, shouldn't these medals go to the horses? ... How come the horse doesn't get that medal?

Shohei Ohtani is the next Babe Ruth and exactly what baseball needs

Shohei Ohtani... he's doing it all. So he's in the Home Run Derby... then he's going to pitch in the All-Star game. And he's going DH in the All-Star game. And this guy, like this is what baseball needs. ... I'm pumped for Shohei Ohtani to be the next Babe Ruth.

Rob Manfred should refuse to drug test Shohei Ohtani for the good of the sport

Rob Manfred, do not piss test Shohei Ohtani whatever you do. I don't care what he's on right now. The only way you could fuck this up is if you stuck a little test strip into a stream of urine and then you just were just a big bummer for America.

The Sopranos prequel being a movie instead of a TV show is a mistake

The trailer for the new movie, it's a movie. I thought it was a TV show and the fact that it's a movie is a little bit worrisome... I just feel like it's going to be hard to—the TV show was so good because you know, you can extend the episodes... and they try and compact it all into two hours.

Scotty Pippen is doing a great job promoting his bourbon because his controversial takes are keeping him in the news

I actually think he's doing a great job of pitching this bourbon... because everyone's talking about Scotty Pippen, but calling Phil Jackson racist for drawing up a winning play to Toni Kukoc... it goes against everything that everyone knows... he's on a scorched earth tour just getting back at everybody.

The 'You're not that guy, pal' clip will be the clip of the summer

Pretty much, it's a great clip, but I think that's going to be the clip of the summer. Everything you do with your friends, your coworkers, pretty much anything... you're going to see comments about you're not that guy.

Matthew Stafford will win NFL MVP

Sean McVay was talking to Albert Breer and said, bro, this dude's a bad motherfucker. Whatever people say about him, as good as it can be, he's even better than advertised. ... I saw it. I saw the future. MVP.

Matthew Stafford is a Hall of Famer

Dude, I'm rooting for Matt Stafford because there's a few takes that we all have out there that are just lingering, and Matt Stafford being a Hall of Famer, I could retire on that take.

Tom Brady was talking about the 49ers and Jimmy Garoppolo when he said 'you're sticking with that motherfucker?'

Tom was talking about the courtship, the quarterback courtship that happened last year. And there was one team in particular where he said, really, you're going to stick with that motherfucker over me? ... Sabermetrically, it's also most likely to be Phillip Rivers. ... [Billy: I think it was Garoppolo] Actually, that is who it is. No, I really do think that's who it is.

College schools will soon use server farms to mine crypto for recruits

Schools are allowed to provide as many education-related expenses as they want to players. ... You could, in theory, provide an athlete with an entire dorm room filled with servers for them to mine cryptocurrency in that dorm room. ... LSU could be like, hey, we're going to build a new dorm called the Arch Manning Dormitory. ... you can just generate money for yourself while you're here.

Skip Bayless has an investigative team searching athletes' wives' Instagram followers

There's very clearly a person behind the scenes working for Skip Bayless that has Skip Bayless's brain and does all the things online. ... and he just feeds Skip Bayless crap all day, and it just ends up on TV. Like his little private investigator for him.

Robert Griffin III has found his future career as an analyst

So ESPN and Fox are in a bidding war for him as an analyst. Whoa. So it looks like he found his future career. ... The executives were, quote, blown away by his audition.

Tua Tagovailoa's training camp interceptions will fuel the 'Alabama QBs are busts' narrative all season

Tua threw approximately 300 interceptions in practice yesterday. And so now... there's going to be reporters that fire up a tweet every single time he throws an interception in training camp. It's going to snowball, and then that's going to feed right back into the Alabama quarterbacks can't play.

MLB is incompetent for banning sticky substances in the middle of the season

The spider attack controversy that they knew about forever and decided, hey, we're going to now start punishing people. They went zero tolerance policy... Tyler Glasnow... is basically saying he got injured because of it... Good job, MLB. You really fucking did it again, you idiots.

The Bears naming Andy Dalton QB1 with no competition is stupid

Only the Bears. Only Matt Nagy would name his QB one before you even have training camp... What I'm not okay with is being like, there's no competition. Every successful football team ever basically is like, yeah, it's always a competition.