Takes

A Chrissy Teigen and John Legend divorce would melt down Twitter

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It would be incredible. It's like sometimes I sit up at night being like, if they got divorced, I think I'd stay up for a week straight on a meth binge just looking at Twitter and getting high off that.

Sack fumble is the best play in football

You know sack fumble is the best playing football, right?

There is nothing better than the deep touchdown bomb

I want to be physical, but there ain't nothing like the deep pass, man... I like the touchdown pass. I like the bomb. I like it, you know, like the Oakland Raiders go deep.

I am not worried about the Washington Capitals despite the series being tied

Listen. We just wanted to say, as a team. It's our year. We're not worried. So the Capitals lost... But we didn't win. We didn't win, but we're the better team. Not worried.

LeSean McCoy is the best cold-weather running back in the world

You do have the best cold-weather running back in the world on your team. LeSean McCoy, for some reason, when you put him in the snow, he gets better traction.

A person can be judged by how they get ketchup out of a Heinz bottle

Basically, [Paul Alexander] decides that a player can be judged by how they get the ketchup out of their Heinz 57 ketchup bottle... 'When I see a large football player turn a bottle of ketchup upside down and pound at its heel with tremendous force yet with limited success, I immediately make the mental note he must either play defensive line or if he plays offensive line, he can't play for me.'

I am a full-blown Manalytics guy now

I have to say, boys, I hate to do it, but I'm going to give a little hat tip to Colin Cowherd. Because I am a full-blown Manalytics guy now. It's all Manalytics in the playoffs.

The Celtics are just a better team than the Cavs

The Celtics are just a better team than the Cavs. I still think this is going to be a series because it's LeBron. LeBron has kind of got that Aaron Rodgers thing where when the Packers are eliminated from the playoffs, you're like, but he'll probably throw a Hail Mary and they'll end up in the playoffs.

James Harden needs to get in shape

James Harden, he played his heart out in the first half... when is that guy going to get in shape? Because he was running – he was doing what I do... When I get really gassed and I just pass the ball and then stand as far away from the hoop as possible.

I am NOT worried about the Capitals

We're not worried about the Caps, repeat we're not worried about the Caps... I'm actually not worried. I'm not worried. Nope. We got another one at home. Marlon's Man's going to game four.

Mark Scheifele is an NHL superstar now

I want to get respect out to Mark Scheifele. I don't if you've been watching the Western Conference. He's a, I'd say superstar now, Scheifele. He's incredible.

Diet is more important than working out for weight loss

It's no secret when people say it's actually not about working out, it's about the diet, because what happens is... because I went to the gym, I was like, I can eat anything I want. And then I ate way worse than I normally would have.

The Celtics are a problem for the Cavaliers

I think it's a problem. I mean, everybody's saying, okay, LeBron's going to just snap back into LeBron. But Brad Stevens, the mad scientist, looks like he's just completely outmatching the Cavs. The Cavs suck, besides LeBron.

The 2018 Washington Capitals are playing better than any version of the team in history

I'm telling you, this Capitals team is playing better than any Washington Capitals team than I've ever seen with the exception of like every Washington Capitals team between the month of October and February.

Every crime drama can be successful with just interviews and aerial drone shots

We need to do a crime drama because essentially all you have to do is interview a couple like FBI or ATF guys and then mix in a shitload of drone shots of where, around where it happened. Like, Making a Murderer, it was just half drone shots. Evil genius, half drone shots.

I would trade Ben Simmons for Kawhi Leonard right now

I'd trade Ben Simmons for Kawhi. And I know Philadelphia won't like that because Ben Simmons is amazing until he faces the Celtics in the playoffs. But if you're giving me Joel Embiid for the next 10 years, LeBron for like three or four, Kawhi Leonard for like seven or eight, you can win three or four titles during that time.

Winning the Stanley Cup in their first year would be bad for the Las Vegas Golden Knights franchise.

There was a takequake on ESPN the other day... they said that Las Vegas winning the championship in their first year would actually be bad for Las Vegas... I agree 100% with that. You can't set the expectations that high.

Swallowing shit in a capsule is much worse than just eating it normally.

That honestly sounds worse than eating shit. You've gone so far to just something that could be over in two seconds, but okay. Are you going to put it in yourself? You have to... putting the shit in the capsule yourself.

The Chicago Bulls would have won the 2012 NBA Championship if Derrick Rose hadn't gotten injured.

If D. Rose doesn't get hurt, I think we break through that year... We had a roster where we could play. I think we were like the number one or two defensive team in the league. We were top five in offense. I mean, we were a very complete team that year. And then, boom, Derrick Rose gets hurt. And it just... It took the air out of the balloon for us, you know what I mean? Because we all thought that was our year to win the whole thing.

Darren Rovell is a 'Debbie Downer' for analyzing athlete business ventures like Marvin Jones Jr.'s cupcake shop.

Darren Rovell from the rafters telling him that the most important part about opening a franchise is to understand that franchisor fees come off gross sales, not net sales... and basically shits all over Marvin Jones Jr.'s dream and tells him that he made a terrible investment... He is Debbie Downer in real life. What a fucking asshole.

Steve Rosenblum's column blaming Roquan Smith for getting his car robbed is a nonsensical 'Take Quake'.

Steve Rosenblum, who is provocateur, the Chicago Tribune... likes to just figure out the most nonsensical take out there... the premise of his article was Roquan Smith, who had his iPad stolen... it was his fault that he got robbed... at this point you could ask how a student athlete... is able to afford a 2018 Beamer... Steve Rosenblum... did no fact checking whatsoever and wrote this hot topic.

Zach Miller's gruesome non-catch against the Saints was definitely a touchdown

It was a touchdown. Yes, it was a touchdown... and almost lost his leg for a non-touchdown. It was crazy.

The Tampa Bay Lightning are not that hard to beat in the playoffs

I have been at war with Tampa before, the 2015 Stanley Cup. It was light work, even though we were down a little bit, but it was light work. They're not that hard to beat.

Joel Embiid runs out of gas every 4th quarter and should stop talking trash

Joel Embiid, I get it. You're funny. You're good on Twitter. The Rihanna thing. Cool. I actually like your game a lot. I think you're going to be a great player. But, dude, you run out of gas every fourth quarter. You can't talk shit when you can't even speak. Stop talking shit and worry about breathing through your nose.

Michael Jordan is definitively better than LeBron James

I'm exhausted by the debate too, but guess what? I'll still stand here and say MJ's better. I don't care.

Tom Brady looked like a 'plastic weird doll' at the Met Gala

My other hot seat is Tom Brady for looking like a plastic weird doll... Take away the clothes. His face looked weird. I definitely don't understand fashion. I don't, but I don't think it was a fashion. Take away the clothes. His face looked weird.

Every woman past the age of 22 adds one pillow to her bed every year

I think it's just every woman who gets past the age of 22 decides that every year they're alive, they need to add one pillow to their bed. And then just eventually they end up with an entire house of pillows. And you're not allowed to sleep on them.

The best drafts in NFL history are built in the 2nd through 4th rounds

I think the key for us are we try to look closely at what are the things that these players that we've hit on have in common... the great drafts in our league history consist of second rounders, third rounders, fourth rounders.

Joe Flacco is an 'elite' quarterback because he won a Super Bowl

I think when you win a Super Bowl at that position, the way he played, you're elite.

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA

I mean, I think [Brad Stevens] is the best coach in the game. He's a mad scientist.

Ben Simmons is playing like a rookie because he can't shoot

It's a real problem that [Ben Simmons] can't shoot. He's playing like a rookie. So this actually... I've changed my mind now. He is a rookie based on how he's been playing.

James Harden is officially on my enemy list

James Harden, he's got to be the most annoying player in the entire world to guard... He's infuriating to watch. You know what? I've turned the corner on James Harden. I used to like him. I don't even like watching him play basketball... I'm putting James Harden on my enemy list. There we go. I have a feud now.

Brad Marchand licking people is one of the funniest things to happen in sports

The biggest story, maybe the funniest sports story of 2018 is Brad Marchand licking people. He can't stop. It's actually a great litmus test for who has a sense of humor because the people who get legitimately upset about that, fuck them. That is one of the funniest, trollest things to do.

Tuukka Rask is good but bad in big moments, which makes him not good

The Tuukka Rask thing to me... if he was good, you wouldn't have to tell people he's good. He's good but bad in big moments. So it's like, is that really good? So that's kind of bad.

Albert Pujols is the best Angel of all time

3,000 hit club, Albert Pujols, Los Angeles Angels. Probably the best angel of all time, right? [PFT:] Angel for life. [Big Cat:] Move on. Best angel going into Cooperstown with that bronze angel hat.

LeBron James literally owns the entire nation of Canada and the city of Toronto

LeBron owns them. He literally owns the entire state of Canada and the city of Toronto.

The Indiana Pacers were the toughest competition for the Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference

What if the Indiana Pacers were the toughest competition for the Cleveland Cavaliers in the East? I'm just saying. You can now say that.

I have zero confidence in Barry Trotz because he is garbage

Listen, I'm still very confident. I have zero confidence in Barry Trotz because I think that he's garbage.

Mickey Callaway and Dave Eiland are the real deal for the Mets

I believe in Mickey Callaway and Dave Eiland. I think that that might be real. Like, I have more faith than a Met fan would normally have in what's going on.

The Curse of Apollo in the Kentucky Derby is absolute BS

To be honest with you, 2018, it's absolute BS. It should have gone up in flames six years ago with a horse named Bodie Meister... now this year there are two horses, Justify... and Magnum Moon... it matters not even a little bit.

The Toronto Raptors are the softest team I've ever watched

The Raptors are the softest team I've ever watched. And having Fred VanVleet take the game-winning shot in overtime, how do you have DeRozan and Lowry and you have these guys... they shrink in every big moment. They're so soft that they made Kevin Love look like the tough guy.

Jeff Bezos is building rocket ships just to liquidate his $100 billion

He figured out that the way that he's going to be able to spend money is by just building rocket ships and just going to different planets. That's the only thing that he can do to liquidate $100 billion in a lifetime, so that's what he's going to do.

The Celtics can't guard Joel Embiid

You're going to have to continue to get it to Embiid, who has moments in the game where he's like, enough of this crap. Like, none of you guys can guard me. I'm just going to do something stupid and get to the hoop and score.

Brad Stevens is the perfect personality to be a head coach in today's NBA

I think the most important attribute you can have as an NBA coach is your personality. Most of these guys do understand X's and O's. But if the team doesn't listen to you, you have to do it in a way now where the guys don't totally shut you off. And [Stevens] has this unbelievable passive confidence that it's like the perfect combination of personality to be a head coach in today's NBA.

Russell Westbrook's style of play keeps a franchise hostage

The style of play [Westbrook] has kept your franchise hostage. And for the most part, you weren't going to win. And now we've watched this two years in a row. You're lying to yourself if you see the same approach in Game 6 and go, 'yeah, this will work.' One team has a guy that runs isolation, the team passes it the least of any team in the NBA. Which team would you rather play? Of course they're going to pick the first team, and that's who their team is.

LeBron James is now the fourth-best player of all time

I am now moving LeBron to fourth best all-time, right ahead of Kobe. So that's big of me. I've seen enough. You've got MJ, Magic, Bill Russell.

The Wizards core needs to be blown up

The Wizards need to be blown up. We said this on the show. That core does not work.

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA

And then the Celtics are, I mean, we've said this before, but Brad Stevens is the best coach in the league.

Tom Wilson's hit on Brian Dumoulin was clean

I think it was a pretty clean hit, too. So he was skating behind the guy, right? It was Dumo. So Dumo was a friend of the show. So Dumo was skating, and then Wilson was behind him, and then Dumo just hit the brakes and almost threw his head into Wilson's shoulder.

Every draft grade list should be required to give at least one F

Mel Kiper's grades are so fucking funny. He won't give anyone an F, which is bullshit. Like, if you do grades, you should have to give at least one F. You should have to.