Takes

The Pringles and Italian sandwich munchies are elite-tier

My number one would probably be steak and cheese... I'm going to go Pringles... I'm going to go with... frozen yogurt. That whole like when you go to the frozen yogurt bar and you get everything. It's actually not so much. It's just candy.

The NFL playing games on Christmas Day was bullshit

I think it was actually bullshit that the NFL played on Christmas Day. No, that's an NBA day. It felt so weird. The Steelers and Texans game, that felt like the first Saturday wild card game that no one really wanted to watch. I just felt like it was a little too much. They should have just kept it to Saturday and Sunday.

The Panthers' defense is good enough to win a championship

It's actually the Panthers that are my make some noise team out of the NFC. I think that the Panthers' defense is good enough to win a championship. I think that they're really fucking good right now.

If the Colts don't hire Bruce Arians immediately, they are the dumbest organization ever

Bruce Arians, I think, is going to walk away. And if the Colts don't fucking hire him immediately, they're the dumbest organization ever. Because, like, why wouldn't you fire Chuck Pagano and bring in the guy who actually was a good coach for your team?

Debating whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is the worst argument on Twitter

My other hot seat is people who want to debate Die Hard being a Christmas movie because I do not give a fuck. That actually might be the worst Twitter argument that goes on now. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? That was like five years ago and it wasn't interesting then and it's still even more uninteresting now.

The Patriots' defense is a problem because they can't rush the passer consistently

I think their defense is still a problem. They're 31st in yards per play on defense. This is not good enough. And they're going to run into a game where they have to stop a team and can they do it? I just think it's not consistent pass rush. It's every now and then, and I think you need to have more of a consistent pass rush to contend in the playoffs.

Josh Rosen is too smart to play for the Cleveland Browns

Between him leaking out that he doesn't want to play for the Browns and between his answer about why he's sitting out and why some players do sit out, I feel like he's way too smart to end up in Cleveland.

Kevin Durant has officially eclipsed LeBron James as the best player on the planet

He [Skip Bayless] says that Kevin Durant has now eclipsed LeBron as the best player on the planet, and Fox News tweeted out the torch has been passed... officially KD is the torchbearer, according to Skip Bayless.

Carson Wentz could not have played through his torn ACL like Philip Rivers did

I highly doubt that Philadelphia Eagles or the team doctors proposed that to Carson Wentz... Yes, he's a young quarterback... Totally different type of quarterback. Of course, I have no idea of the associated injuries, but it has come out in the media that there was some sort of partial IT band and or meniscus that might complicate things for Carson Wentz. And, you know, you saw the instability just walking on the field where his knee jutted out... That is concerning. And also you can't risk the franchise.

An alien invasion would be a blessing in disguise because it would unify Earth against a common enemy

I actually think that this could be a blessing in disguise for Earth. Because it's like Earth has been in training camp with each other for the last, like, 2,000 years... And now all of a sudden we've got an enemy to play against. It's fun hitting somebody else, right?

Dry, crisp cookies are better than soft, soggy cookies

I'd rather dry with a crisp than soft, like a wet, soft, soggy cookie in my mouth.

Shaq was the 'Robin' and Kobe was the 'Batman' during their championship runs together

Shaq needed Kobe more than Kobe needed Shaq... Shaq needed the wing scorers to be Shaq. He needed Dwyane Wade to be unbelievable Dwyane Wade. Shaq was Superman, and Kobe was Batman. [But] Batman isn't a superhero... he's just a rich guy with a bunch of gadgets.

Removing Alex Guerrero from the Patriots is a good thing because it lights a fire under Tom Brady

It's not a friction. It's actually a good thing. It means Belichick's lighting a fire under Brady's ass because friction causes fire. So Belichick knows he's got to push Brady's buttons if he wants him to keep playing at this level at such an old age.

I will highly suggest my kids do not play football because it is an extremely dangerous sport

Not a chance. No, no, no way, man... I'm just going to highly suggest that they don't... There's no point for you to do so... This is a, it's an extremely dangerous sport... I took all those hits. I sacrificed. I may develop CTE in my life. There's no telling.

The NCAA system for athletes is a form of indentured servitude

No, that's indentured servitude. If you go to Google, just look up indentured servitude and you'll find that exact definition... The NCAA is the only establishment where their interns are their product. It's the most ridiculous, backwards, twisted system of in existence.

Matt Schaub was a good quarterback whose career was ruined by a loss of confidence

Matt Schaub is definitely number one [on the Mount Rushmore of Texans QBs]... No, he was a good quarterback. He had a bad season. And I think it ruined his confidence, but he was a good quarterback when he was balling. He had a bad run.

Joel Osteen manipulates people by 'selling hope'

I've read my fair share of the Bible, man, and Jesus specifically preached about being rich... It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom... You have private jets. You have, like, a mansion. Like, that's not the life that Jesus taught... you are selling hope. And I feel like any time you sell hope, you're manipulating people.

Cash is the greatest Christmas gift you can ever give

So the real answer here is cash. All boyfriends want cash. They want cold, hard cash... Cash is the greatest gift you could ever give... When you open up a card, you're expecting cash in there. Put the fucking cash in there.

The Jaguars are a for-real team and people shouldn't sleep on them

I'm pumped because I think the Jags, like, people sleep on the Jags, and I know we laugh at them because their franchise has been pretty much a comedy of errors. But they're a for-real team.

The Seahawks' mystique and intimidation factor is officially gone

The mystique is gone from [the Seahawks]. It's just one of those things where the mystique now comes off and you don't feel as intimidated when Jared Goff goes in there and has his way and they run the ball all over him. When a team comes in and does that, it definitely feels like a little bit of the whole mystique and the aura like you can't win in Seattle is gone.

Any head coach who goes 0-16 should be permanently disqualified from coaching again

I personally think if you go 0-16 as an NFL head coach, you should be permanently disqualified from ever being a head coach again for any team.

Mike Tomlin is not a good coach

I also think there's never been a more marquee matchup in the last decade where teams have met up in big games and the coaching disparity is more stark between Mike Tomlin and Bill Belichick. [Big Cat: Wait, so you're saying that you don't think that Mike Tomlin's a good coach at all?] No, I do not.

I am a Hall of Famer because I was the best ever at my position

Of course I do [think I'm a Hall of Famer], man. I always look at the Hall of Fame. I think the Hall of Fame should be judged off the best player at that position. That's it... When you look at the best player at every position that's in the Hall of Fame right now, they're the best player at their position.

I believe ghosts are real

I actually completely believe this. Like, I'm a big ghost guy. I believe ghosts. If you don't believe ghosts, I think you're full of shit. And, I mean, we saw a ghost in Miami.

LaVar Ball is the living embodiment of my 'future me' theory

He is the living embodiment of future me. Yes. Because he, his, his theory is as long as I never admit anything's wrong, then nothing's wrong. Right. Exactly.

Curling is an exciting sport

I don't think it's boring. I think it's very exciting... but curling is chess on ice.

Tom Brady was affected by a 'boat curse' the night before the Dolphins game

I think it's more likely that Tom Brady was on a boat down in Miami the night before the game, got the old boat curse going, than it was that he's actually getting too old to play well.

The Dolphins game was Jay Cutler's one annual game where he looks elite

That was the Jay Cutler performance. And I know that all Bears fans know this. That was the one game he throws out a year where you're like, this guy's fucking good.

The Seahawks are the sorriest losers in the NFL

The Seahawks, though, can we just say that they're the sorriest losers of all time? That team, I don't know why they get a pass... That team is a fucking bunch of babies.

Colt McCoy is 75% of the quarterback Kirk Cousins is

I think Colt McCoy is about 75% of what Kirk Cousins is. So that's like... 40% of a franchise quarterback.

I could still play as a backup in the NFL if I didn't have to take hits

I'm very realistic, man. You know what? I can still throw it. I can drop. I can do all those things. I don't know if I can take that hit anymore. That physical part of actually those 300-plus pounders bringing down your neck, that's a whole different story.

The Eagles should simplify the game for Nick Foles by focusing on the running game

I think with Nick, I think there are certain things that they're going to probably focus more on with him... And I think that will be more so on the running game... You create matchup opportunities where it simplifies the game for Nick Foles.

Terrell Owens is a 'no-doubt' Hall of Famer

Yeah, I mean, hey, that's the decision of the voters and the writers... But, hey, the guy has put up the statistics that leave him in the conversation with the top two, three receivers ever in the National Football League... It's just a matter of time.

Jeff Fisher failed his quarterbacks by not providing expert coaching

Definitely not a whisperer, you know. I think quarterbacks were dying when they went out and played under him, unfortunately. And I think a lot of it was because he didn't surround them with the necessary expertise from a coaching standpoint.

Derek Jeter is going to look 'really fucking ugly' if he gains 15 more pounds

Derek Jeter, by the way, he's one of those guys that if he puts on another 10 or 15 pounds, he's going to be really fucking ugly. Because when you get the bald head and then you get the big cheeks, it's bad. You need hair if you're fat.

Most men who appear on The Bachelorette are 'betas'

And most of those dudes [on The Bachelorette] are betas... I tell everybody, if I was on that season, I would have liked Chad... The things that he was saying was pretty true.

Paul Heyman is the best talking personality in wrestling by far

Paul Heyman [cuts the best promo in the game]. Without a doubt, by far. And the other guys that are on the roster would be well served to pay attention to every word he says... He's the best talking personality in wrestling, in my view, by far.

Baker Mayfield is the best college quarterback in many years

They have arguably the best quarterback we've seen in college football in many, many years. [Baker Mayfield] is a natural [heel]... He should win the Heisman Trophy.

Matt Ryan fucking stinks

what we learned is everyone's fantasy teams went down the tubes during the playoffs and Matt Ryan fucking stinks.

Marquette has the worst campus in America

The two shittiest campuses in America to go to school, in my opinion, would be Marquette and Purdue. Marquette is trash. ... Marquette, I think, was the worst place I went.

Mike Mitchell saved football by blaming Andy Dalton's poor play for dangerous hits

Mike Mitchell from the Pittsburgh Steelers went on an awesome rant, basically saving football. ... Where the genius comes in is he basically said it's not that hitting in the head is a problem. It's that Andy Dalton sucks at football.

The Celtics are saving the NBA

NBA viewership's up like 32%. Celtics are the best team in basketball, so basically the Celtics are saving the NBA.

Stephen A. Smith has a point about his 'Screaming A. Smith' nickname being unfair

Stephen A. Smith says there's racial undertones to anyone who calls him Screamin' A. Smith. So he says there's a lot of people out there who scream. Why don't they get the Screamin' A. Smith nickname? ... I've done some thinking about this out loud, some verbal thoughts, and you're right. I will stop saying screaming.

Alabama only made the College Football Playoff because of their name, not because they are better than Ohio State

I don't think Alabama is unequivocally better than Ohio State. I just haven't seen that from Alabama this year. I think they're great, but I think they're in because of who they are. And I think winning a conference championship at some point should matter.

I would rather root for a team that loses in the big game than one that never makes it

I still think I would take a team that's consistently – I would rather be in the big game and lose the big game than never sniff the big game. I can't imagine being a fan of Vanderbilt football.

Wisconsin will never win a national championship because they don't get fast five-star recruits

I'm sticking with what Wisconsin has, even though I know in my heart of hearts they'll never get the fast guys, they'll never get the really good guys, so they'll never win.

Case Keenum has reached the point where he won't be benched even if he loses a game

Case Keenum has now gotten to the point where if he loses a game, I think he still gets to play the next game. So it's really Case Keenum, we're going to do this.

Alabama is a better team than Ohio State regardless of the committee's logic

The only thing I care about, I actually have no problem with Alabama being in because I do think that they're a better team than Ohio State. I just think the committee is full of fucking shit. At the end of the day, all that fucking matters is losses and big losses. And if Ohio State doesn't lose by 31 to Iowa, they're in.

Dak Prescott sucks

Dak Prescott sucks. He sucks. And anytime – everyone's like, well, he lost to Zeke Elliott. Well, if losing your running back means that you aren't a good quarterback anymore, you weren't a good quarterback to begin with.

Bitcoin is fake and people should buy land instead

My stardom is land. Bitcoin, currency, it's all fake. You can't see it. Buy something you can see with your own two eyeballs. Buy a plot. Buy an acre. Squat on it.