Takes

Kobe Bryant retiring both numbers is the most 'Kobe' story ever

Kobe Bryant, they're going to retire both of his numbers. That is the most Kobe story I have ever heard... Kobe Bryant, they're going to retire both of his numbers. [Jordan] is one number. No, but it's two separate numbers in different locations. Different teams.

Gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world

And two, gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world, and no one should ever do it because it's god-awful.

The Seahawks offensive line is still dog shit

The other big takeaway that I had was that the Seahawks offensive line is still dog shit. ... I don't know where he [Tom Cable] finds the offensive lineman that he has, but they all suck. They always will suck.

I'm a Kesha guy over Taylor Swift or Katy Perry

And I want to officially go on the record when people say, are you Taylor Swift or Katy Perry guy? I'm a Kesha guy through and through.

To win a championship you need a great QB, great defense, and a reliable kicker

I've always thought this. When it comes to winning a championship, you need a great quarterback, a good defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals. Or a good quarterback, a great defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals.

I hate Ohio State

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? ... I hate Ohio State.

Brian Kelly is an asshole

First of all, Brian Kelly's a shithead. We can all agree on that. ... I think he's an asshole.

Los Angeles has always been a bad sports town

Bad sports town, you think? It's always been a bad sports town. I don't know what you want to say. It's a bunch of transplants and beautiful people that would rather be outside than watching a shitty Colts versus Rams game.

Winning a championship is about the full season, not one game

As we learned tonight when they raised the championship banner, their fifth one, winning a championship is about the season. It's not about one game. It's about a full season, the playoffs.

Patrick Mahomes' presence has taught Alex Smith how to throw the long ball

Alex Smith, out of nowhere, showed that he can throw that long ball tonight. Pat Mahomes is like when you have an old male dog that has always pissed putting its hips down at the ground... and when you bring a new pup in that lifts its leg on something, your old dog's like, holy shit, that looks cool. Mahomes is a young pup that's taught Alex Smith to lift his leg.

The DirecTV Red Zone channel is the original and Scott Hanson is a copycat

We came first, so this one should go first. Dibs. Shotgun. Scott's a copycat. We invented the thing. Well, I mean, this is our 13th season. You know? We're the original.

The 3 to 4 p.m. hour is the greatest single hour in sports television

I call it the greatest single hour in sports television. It's the witching hour... I promise I will refer to it either as the witching hour or the golden hour at some point this season. Just for you guys.

Andy Reid ordering three steaks at once is a total alpha move

Jeffrey Lurie said the first time he went out to dinner with Andy Reid, Andy Reid ordered three steaks at once. Such an alpha move. King's Stay Kings. That is an alpha move. Three steaks, one for every quarter that Andy coaches.

I prematurely predicted a Roger Federer vs. Rafael Nadal US Open semifinal

I think I prematurely said that Roger Federer was going to be in the semifinals with Rafa. Turns out I kind of jumped the gun on that one. Federer lost to a guy named El Chapo... Denis Shapovalov.

Everyone in MLB is stealing signs, and the Red Sox cheating isn't a big deal

I mean, shit happens in MLB. Everyone's stealing signs. It's a constant back and forth of teams stealing each other's signs.

The Red Sox Apple Watch scandal is good for baseball because it fuels the Yankees rivalry

Baseball needs rivalries. Red Sox-Yankees has been simmering. This kind of brings it up a notch.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

The Vontaze Burfict preseason hit was clean football, not a suspension-worthy hit

It wasn't really head-to-head. ... You come across the middle, that's my zone. You don't come across the middle and you get your head taken off. That's like when football was football.

Willson Contreras sliding into Mia Khalifa's DMs was just a man looking for a friend

He doesn't even need PR 101 because if you read the DMs, he's just looking for a friend. ... He said, 'I just want me friend.' ... So guess what? Willson Contreras, you're fine in my book.

Ass-eating season is over and toe-sucking season has returned

Ass-eating's over. I'm calling it. I think toe-sucking season's back. Toe-sucking's back in, guys.

Texas can never lose to Maryland in football

[Texas], you can't lose to Maryland in football. No, you can't do it. You can't.

Florida's passing game has been so bad that Tim Tebow is their best passer of the last decade

The best passing quarterback that Florida has had in the last 10 years is Tim Tebow.

Gambling is for the rich to lose money and is the biggest lie in America

the world has been seduced into thinking you win money gambling, which is the biggest lie since probably the Bible's true... whoever taught someone, gambling is for the rich to lose money. But the whole youth of America and America thinks you're supposed to win money gambling. So I tell it like it is. I explain to people, you don't win money gambling, you lose money gambling. Gambling is made to have fun and lose your money.

Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback

Joe Flacco... he does not stink. I think he's amazing. I put him as elite. You give him the right team, he wins the Super Bowl. He won the Super Bowl.

It would be hilarious if the US Men's Soccer team failed to qualify for the World Cup

It would be hilarious if the US didn't make the World Cup. It would be very, very funny. It would be so fucking funny. We could make jokes all summer long and be like, when does the US play?

Fall starts when August ends

This is what I consider to be the start of fall. I'm a big September 21st truther. I think that fall starts when August ends.

Nick Saban would score 100 points on Lane Kiffin if they played

He's [Saban] not playing against Lane Kiffin. So make that 10-1. Saban would probably go like, he'd put up a 100 burger.

NFL players should lose their Twitter checkmark if they get cut

They cut him before it was over, but he gets to keep the jersey picture, but I say that you should lose your checkmark. The NFL's a checkmark league.

Tiger Woods should only play par-3 courses to save his back

He needs to revamp his whole game a little bit because once he starts getting above a five iron is when his spinal column collapses like a termite mound. So he needs to just go to par three courses.

A-Rod is attempting to transform Jennifer Lopez into himself

I think A-Rod is trying to turn J-Lo into himself. Because we all know that he loves himself... recently she's been doing a lot of workouts with him in the gym.

Matthew Stafford is officially on the hot seat after signing his new contract

I love when a quarterback gets a new deal because they are officially, speaking of hot seat cool throne, they are officially on the hot seat because now it's joke season on Matthew Stafford. We saw it with Joe Flacco. We saw it with Jay Cutler. Matt Stafford has probably a year... and every interception he throws comes a tweet, wow, $86 million for this?

NFL teams must start rookie quarterbacks early to find out if they have the 'balls of a burglar'

Don't I want to find out early if my guy's got the balls of a burglar? Because if he can't handle getting hit around and throwing picks... then I don't want him three years from now because that's a character flaw. I want a quarterback that when the dog pees on your leg, your girlfriend likes the other quarterback... and the crowd's booing you... can you pull yourself out of that and win?

Dwayne Wade and LeBron James are definitely planning a team-up because they are 'going' to dinner

I would say that going to dinner is more intimate than meeting for dinner. Because going to dinner implies that you're going there... Every time you go to dinner, you have to meet somebody for dinner. But every time you meet for dinner, you're not necessarily going to dinner together. I think the act of going is way, way more intimate than just meeting... Not just friends. You don't just go to dinner.

Floyd Mayweather was in complete control for every second of the Conor McGregor fight

In terms of actually looking back and thinking about it, there was not one second that [Mayweather] wasn't in complete control. Like Connor threw some big punches, but Floyd knew exactly what he was doing the whole time. He's like, I'll play defense for a few rounds, and then he's going to get gassed, which he did, and he knocked him out.

A solo hungover Chinese food order must be at least $75

If you order Chinese food by yourself, by the way, when you're hungover and you are under $75, you're doing it wrong. Because what you need to do when you're hungover and you're ordering Chinese food is you order every single thing that you might just want a little taste of.

Avoid betting on big favorites early in the college football and NFL seasons

Stay away from the big favorites. Either take the points or don't bet the game... Don't buy all the hype about the big favorites all the time.

LeBron James is only defending jersey burning to protect his future self for when he leaves Cleveland again

LeBron's statements are right. I'm always a players guy. The owners don't look out for the players. But this, to me, is classic LeBron looking out for future LeBron. Because he knows he's going to leave.

Brawls are necessary for people to care about baseball

Brawling in baseball is good for baseball. It's great for baseball. ... Brawls need to happen in baseball for people to care about baseball more than they do right now.

The Mayweather-McGregor fight is a lifeline for the sport of boxing

I think boxing, in some respect, should be thankful to Conor McGregor because boxing hasn't been the biggest story in sports, certainly since Mayweather Pacquiao. ... So I think in some respects, this is a lifeline for boxing.

Jon Jones' drug test failure for steroids is likely indefensible if he remains silent

If you have any sort of defense ... when guys pop ... especially for an anabolic steroid that allegedly is ingested orally ... you're screaming from the rooftops, telling everybody you're innocent. ... instead of trying to provide answers or some sort of statement, we're not hearing much from Jon Jones.

Madison Square Garden is the best venue for fights over Las Vegas

Vegas has so many great fights, but, man, there ain't nothing like the Garden, brother. [It is the Mecca].

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jaguars than the starter

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars than the starting quarterback. He's not going to have all that stress, so he's not going to lose his hair as fast.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

Celtics fans have no right to complain about trading draft picks for Kyrie Irving

I don't understand Celtics fans that have been bitching and moaning about Danny Ainge not trading picks... and then when he does trade it, being like, well, we should have held on to that pick. Because you just got a guy who is [a] top five scorer in the NBA, a guy who can score in the finals of the NBA finals.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the second-best fantasy receiver for 2017 as long as he stays off boats

At the moment, I have Beckham at two [in wide receiver rankings]... As long as he stays off boats... He saves it for the postseason, which we don't care about in fantasy.

Fantasy football leagues should not have a trade veto unless there is proof of collusion

Veto guy is on my Mount Rushmore. Guy who just vetoes everything. To me, unless you can prove collusion, there should be no veto in [fantasy football].

I would give away five to ten years of my life to guarantee Wi-Fi on every plane flight.

Nothing worse in the world than being on a plane with no Wi-Fi and no TVs. I would give away five to ten years of my life to make sure that I had Wi-Fi on a plane all the time.

I almost got a tattoo of Javier Baez on the back of my neck after seeing his slide against the Blue Jays.

Javi Baez had such a good slide for the Cubs to win an extra inning... In that time, I almost got myself an El Mago tattoo. ... Maybe on the back of my neck like his MLB tattoo.

Millennials aren't less interested in breasts; they just don't need to Google photos of them because they are actually having sex.

It's because millennials aren't Googling boobs. Pictures of boobs. Yeah, because we have sex. We see it. ... Of course it's going to be baby boomers and old people who, when they're looking for porn online, they just type in pictures of boobs.

The Bears have signed enough mediocre quarterbacks that no one can realistically claim they should have signed Colin Kaepernick.

Because they stupidly spent so much money on Mike Glennon, too. We got too many quarters. We got Mark Sanchez. ... The Bears basically gave themselves a buffer against Colin Kaepernick. They're like, if we sign enough mediocre quarterbacks, no one can say, hey, the Bears should have signed Colin Kaepernick.