Takes

Hank is officially more famous than I am in our hometown of Scituate

I'm fully 100% aware of it. I actually love it because if a kid's going to just ride this rise to fame like he has – I respect that it's a Scituate guy.

I support capping three-pointers if it hurts Steph Curry and the Warriors

I hate the rule, and I hate these changing of rules, but if it means we can take away the one thing that Steph excels at over everyone else, I'm kind of in favor of that.

Cavaliers fans should be rooting for Kevin Love to miss time with his concussion

Kevin Love is seemingly concussed. And if you're a Cavs fan, are you rooting for Love to miss time? I think you are... because he's such a bad fit for this series and playing anyone on defense that I might want Kevin Love not around.

The Oklahoma City Thunder would have beaten the Cavaliers in the Finals if they had advanced

Oklahoma City is the big loser in all of this because I think they would have won the title if they had faced the Cavs.

Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan are the two most popular athletes of all time

I would say Muhammad Ali, most popular athlete of all time. It's probably Muhammad Ali one, Michael Jordan two, and there's not really a third.

LeBron James lacks grit because he peaked in high school

LeBron has no grit, but it's not from his own – it's not his own fault... I think that LeBron's just been screwed over. Like I said, the guy peaked in high school and... he was back in, like, 11th, 12th grade being put in the center of the universe.

The Zika virus is an official threat to the Rio Olympics because of sexual transmission

If you can't get your dick sucked or eat some vagina, there's no point in going to Rio. So Zika is now an official threat to the Olympics. If you're an Olympic athlete and you can't fucking suck your way through Rio, what's the point in going?

The X Games have lost their fastball because they cancel events for rain

The X Games has lost their fastball... they canceled all the events yesterday because of rain, and these are the X Games, right? Why are you canceling events because of rain? If anything, it should be the Surge commercial where everybody is running up the hill.

We need to stop talking about Shaun Livingston's knee injury because it was a decade ago

At what point can we just move on from the Shaun Livingston knee issue? It's been, I don't know, six, seven years. He's been totally fine for a really long time... I just want people to stop with Sean Livingston's stuff. He had a knee injury 10 years ago. Knees grow back by then.

If you don't watch a graphic sports injury after a warning, you are the biggest pussy alive

When someone says don't watch because it's too graphic, if you then don't watch, you're the biggest pussy alive... That's just basically saying this is going to be so gross you're going to want to puke, but you have to watch it.

It is easier for the US to win an Olympic gold medal than for a Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup

I would probably say it's easier to win an Olympic gold medal in hockey than it would be to win a Stanley Cup just based on how hard it is... if you have a good two weeks at the Olympics and all your lines are clicking, you get a gold. So I would say U.S. winning gold.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.

Nick Saban will shiv and gut Jim Harbaugh to win football games

I have a feeling Jim Harbaugh thinks that this is like a fight that can just be played out on the field. And then next thing you know, Nick Saban's going to shiv him in to the side and gut him to death. But literally. Nick Saban will stab a man if it means winning more football games.

The Knicks will never win as long as James Dolan is the owner

As long as James Dolan is the owner of the Knicks, the Knicks aren't winning shit. And you know that. I know that. Spike Lee knows that. Marv Albert and his whips and his gag balls know that. Y'all know it, okay?

LeBron James will never surpass Michael Jordan because he has lost in the Finals

I think his – the fact that he lost titles, he's already not going to surpass Jordan, because he never lost. He never lost a title.

If a team does a hidden ball trick in Little League, you should head hunt the next batter

Hidden ball tricks is fucking bullshit. Especially in Little League... I think you need to put the ball in an ear hole if the other team tries to do the hidden ball trick in a Little League game.

Wins are like eggs inside of a woman; once you use too many of them, they're gone

I always like to say that wins are like eggs inside of a woman. And once you use too many of them, they're gone and you can't get fertility treatments. Like push-ups, ovums, that type of thing.

Dan Marino would have killed a small child to win a Super Bowl

But if Dan Marino—if you had said to him during his career, 'Hey, Dan, you can win a Super Bowl, but you got to kill a small child, no one will find out.' You think he does it?

Buffalo is the number one city in the Grit Power Rankings

I'm ranking Buffalo number one as well. Simply because of the people, they are the best. There's no one better. They were welcoming. They came to up to the bus. They were awesome.

Skyline Chili is a running joke used by Cincinnati residents to prank tourists

Skyline Chili, I'm convinced all of Cincinnati has Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know what is going on there. They have convinced themselves that's real food that people should eat. I think it's a running joke. Everyone in Cincinnati was like, hey, let's try to convince the rest of the world that every time they come visit us, they have to eat this diarrhea.

The NBA and Kevin Durant should stop exaggerating player heights

When did Kevin Durant become seven feet tall? He's six foot nine, right? They used to call Ben Wallace a seven footer and it's like he was at least six, I don't know, ten or something like that. Kevin Durant's... that's giving him more than a few inches. I often hear this with LeBron... they add 10 pounds and they add at least one inch every time they talk about him. I hope we can pull back from that on Kevin Durant.

The Bengals vs. Steelers is currently the biggest rivalry in the NFL

Cincinnati Bengals, Pittsburgh Steelers. Maybe the biggest rivalry going right now in the NFL.

Chris Berman's retirement report is a bargaining chip for his next contract

Does Chris Berman not strike you as the type of guy that's going to take a victory lap? He is a victory lap guy through and through. So this wishy-washy back and forth, this was all on purpose... Or what this could be is a bargaining chip. He might be trying to play him for a raise. His contract's up next year. So he's dangling the threat of retirement.

The Spelling Bee stinks now because it tries too hard to be 'millennial-friendly'

I'm a spelling bee purist... I kind of like some of the new stuff that they're doing to try to draw on the millennial. No, they're trying to be too cute. It's too cute. They're having the kids dab. I like the cutthroat. I like the competitiveness. I like the pressure where you know these 12-year-olds, if they get this word wrong, their whole entire life is going to be crushed.

A 73-win season means nothing without a championship

Don't mean a thing without that ring. That's all I'm going to say... That is the 72-10 1996 Bulls. That was their little mantra. And the Warriors... The 73-win Warriors look like they're in a lot of trouble.

Russell Westbrook is currently the best player in the world

[Russell Westbrook] had 33, 36, 11, and 11. Unreal. He basically said, I'm the best player in the world and I'm going to take over this game. I'm going to take over the series.

Buffalo is a top-tier vacation destination

I really feel like Buffalo is right up there with any of your great vacation places like Key West, your Acapulcos... Rio, all of the above. The 24 hours we spent there seems like it was the best time of my life.

I despise Cleveland Cavaliers fans

I love Browns fans. I fucking despise Cavs fans. They're the worst. I know they're the exact same people, but they're not.

I am the best-looking member of the Ryan family

I'm definitely better looking than Rex. So, yeah, I'm definitely that guy. The long hair, I think, is what makes it.

Oakland is currently the grittiest city in America

Oakland's pretty damn rough right now, so I'm going to go Oakland.

Ohio State is the toughest atmosphere in the Big Ten

I would probably say, I mean, I got to say Ohio State, you know, I mean, the great atmosphere, loud, you know, I mean, and obviously you're going to play against a good football team when you're there.

Robert Griffin III would have been a better safety than Johnny Manziel

Between Robert Griffin, Johnny Manziel, who do you think would have made a better safety? [Bo Pelini]: Probably Robert Griffin.

Steve Weatherford is the 'Rosa Parks' of heavy breathing at Planet Fitness

He's now taking a stand about people shaming heavy breathers... This is the Martin Luther King of breathing heavy in Planet Fitness is Steve Weatherford. Really standing up for some civil rights here. [PFT]: I'd say it's more Rosa Parks.

J.J. Watt's new logo looks like a cheap energy drink and a bad tattoo

J.J. Watt. Come on, man. He basically made a logo that looks like a cheap, crappy energy drink slash awful tattoo... symbolizing buildings getting taller because his work ethic... literally no one forgets [he was a walk-on] because JJ tells us every single fucking day.

Duff's is far better than Anchor Bar for wings in Buffalo

We unanimously decided that Duff's was far better than Anchor Bar. Anchor Bar had an unfortunate incident... but we unanimously decided that Duff's was far better.

The Thunder are the best team in the league when Durant and Westbrook click on the same night

When they [Durant and Westbrook] do that, you can't beat them... They, at some point, will click on the exact same night, and they're the best team in the league.

Kickers are severely disliked by real football players

I severely disliked them... as the 17th most hated person on the planet, I can't say I really hate anybody, but I severely dislike them. I would not invite them out for wings.

Dying as a champion racehorse is better than living as an old-timer in a pasture

I would say that that's more of a hurt [than an injury] because if you die a legend like that after winning a race, your legacy lives on longer than anybody else... You don't remember him as some old-timer getting jerked off in a pasture somewhere.

Anyone who supports robot umpires in baseball can go fuck themselves

Anyone who is like pro robots can go fuck themselves... The minute you start letting robots do these kind of tasks is what they're going to take over our lives... I don't need fucking umps telling me balls and strikes. There's some things you need to leave to humans.

Johnny Manziel should get fat to regain public sympathy

Fat Johnny Manziel is actually a good way to get some sympathy back... You can't... It's just different when you're fat. People won't call him a scumbag as much... You're lovable when you're fat.

Taking Viagra and going to Niagara Falls ('Viagra Falls') is a classic comedy gag

It seems like the perfect classic joke. You know, Niagara rhymes with Viagra... So we all take Viagra, we get on the boat, and then we see who the first person is to get rid of their boner without touching it, just like through the power of mental concentration and meditation. That is like a classic comedy gag right there.

Youngstown, Ohio is likely the grittiest city in the world

Youngstown is like the grittiest city in the world, probably. Home of Boom Boom Mancini. Little known fact about Youngstown there for you.

Grit Week participants should only pack underwear and laptops, buying all other clothes daily from thrift stores

Since it's Grit Week, we got to go out there. We got to scrap. We got to hustle for everything that we earn. So every morning, we're going to go to a thrift store, buy our clothes for that day, depending on the weather.

The Raptors are a disgrace to basketball and to Canada

The Raptors are just a disgrace, disgrace to basketball, disgrace to Canada... I don't want to be in the Eastern Conference Finals if you get swept like this.

There is a greater chance of America taking over Toronto than the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup

I think that there's a greater chance of America, like slowly encroaching into Canada and taking their land away and taking Toronto, than there is like the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup before that time.

American Pharoah was more talented than Nyquist

American Pharoah was a brilliant kind of horse... American Pharoah [was] like a wild horse. Nyquist is sort of like the consummate professional... I think at this point, I would take American Pharoah. I think he has more overall talent than Nyquist.

Regular assault and battery laws could and should apply to baseball fights

Being on the field like that in a baseball game especially, I don't think in my mind that in a baseball game that this is something that you could say, well, they assume the risk. I think the regular rules of assaults and battery could and should apply in this situation.

A baseball field is like international waters with no rules

As far as I can tell... a baseball field is like international waters where there are no rules.

Never draw attention to yourself at work or people will find your secrets

In life, never draw attention to yourself because then people start digging. So like if you're at work, you never want to be the guy who does a great job... Just try to be average at all times, because the minute you do something exceptional, people start witch hunting you.

The NBA Draft Lottery was rigged for Philadelphia

I actually am going to side with Philly on this one and say that it was rigged for Philly.