Takes

The Bears should sign Alex Leatherwood because he's a former first-rounder

I'm not shaming Alex Leatherwood because he is under my first-round theory. The Bears should go get him because he's still a great player... Once he gets to another franchise, then his stock is immediately up.

Bill Clinton definitely hooked up with Dr. Ruth at the US Open

Bill Clinton was at the US Open too. And he was best term for it—he was noodling with Dr. Ruth. They were getting very close... bill Clinton was getting real horny with Dr. Ruth. And I think he fucked her. I'm going to say he fucked her.

Albert Pujols' late-career home run surge is suspicious and 'not normal'

Albert Pujols, 42 years old. July 4th he was hitting .189. And since then he leads the league in batting average and has like 11 homers. That's totally normal... Why does Sam Querrey not do fucking drugs before he retires? He should have done some fucking Winstrol.

Hasbulla is a bigger living legend than Michael Jordan

One-one is Hasbulla. He's a living legend. He walks in the room, everyone stops. You go to any country in the world and they're like—Hasbulla. He's got international [fame]. Hasbulla objectively is way bigger [than Michael Jordan].

Aaron Rodgers should be in jail for his admissions on Joe Rogan

Aaron Rodgers should be in jail. He went on Joe Rogan... he admitted to playing games on Percocet... I'm going to have a lawyer go through the transcript and just get an entire list of all the things that are felonies that he admitted to.

Mike McCarthy is extra dumb because he is also overweight

I'm just going to say that's what Big Cat's thinking. We all think it, Mike McCarthy is a dumb-dumb. And it's also just a fact as a bigger guy myself, like when you're overweight and you're dumb, you're extra dumb. Like, it just there's something about it where it's just like, well, he's really dumb.

Boobs are the undisputed #1 overall pick for things that are cooler in slow motion

Boobs, easy. So they said, when we said slow motion, max, Hank and memes... they're like, oh, easy way. Who picked? Yeah. But you guys were going to pick it... literally Max took his pants off and started jerking off. He's like boom, boom and boom.

Will Zalatoris made a deal with the devil to win one tournament and his injury is the cost

I'm nervous that he made a deal with the devil and the deal with the devil was let me win one. That's what I'm nervous about. And I bet on him last week to finish top 10... I'm nervous cuz it feels like the timing is [predominant].

Desmond Ridder 'is him' and is already NFL ready

My hot seat is Marcus Mariota... I watched the Jets Falcons game last night. I think Desmond Ridder is that guy. I think he is him... I think I'm ready to say based off watching him one time in the preseason that this is gonna be a guy that I will believe in for the next four years.

Geno Smith should be a first-half specialist and Drew Lock should be the closer

Geno Smith, I think plays pretty well based on recent experiences in like the first half. And then Drew Lock is good in garbage time. So I think they should put Geno Smith in, in the first half as the first half specialist. Drew Lock comes in as the closer.

I could kick Dan Campbell's and Mike Vrabel's asses in a fight

[Do you think you could kick Dan Campbell's ass?] Yes. And Mike Vrabel also, I'd throw Mike Vrabel in there at the same time... I just can tell you, if you pull 10 wrestlers, they're gonna tell you, take the best wrestler over the best boxer. So it's debatable, but us wrestlers stick together.

The Masked Singer started the rumor that Tom Brady was a contestant during his training camp absence

I've gone like overly woke on this now. And I think that it's a rumor that was started by the Masked Singer because people are definitely gonna be tuning in trying to figure out is that Tom Brady. It's the one show that you can basically get all the way through the episode being like maybe it is Tom Brady.

Josh Rosen is putting up terrible stats on purpose as a bit

Josh Rosen... is on the Browns and in classic Josh Rosen fashion, he got in for, I think an entire half. He went seven for 20, for 88 yards. No TDs, no interceptions. I, he has to be doing this on purpose at this point. His stat lines are just so, so predictably exactly what they are every single time... It's a good bit. It really is.

Being a youth women's gymnastics coach without a daughter on the team should be an automatic jail sentence

If you're like a youth women's gymnastics coach and you don't have a daughter, you should automatically go to jail a hundred percent. Like without doubt, fucked up you have to be to be a gymnastics coach in general.

MLB should cover up steroid use for players who are great for the game

David Ortiz was like, they, they just shouldn't suspend him because he's so good at baseball. And he is a face of the game... That's actually that's that makes more sense than what his own dad is doing. David Ortiz is right. It's like, if you're awesome at baseball, they should just cover it up.

The Steelers have the best three-deep quarterback room in the NFL

I actually think that if you were like, who's got the best three quarterbacks, I think the Steelers are the answer. Rudolph, Trubisky, and Pickett. Like I think if you had to go three deep, I think the Steelers are the answer.

Not pulling out is a bad idea

Not pulling out. He's saying not pulling out when you were supposed to pull out. [Big Cat: You're against cream pies?] Billy Football, anti-cream pie.

Sean Marks is a bad GM because he brought in Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving

I kind of agree with Kevin Durant. I think that Sean Marks is a bad GM because he brought Kevin Durant in. So Kevin Durant is right. They should fire him for bringing him in there.

Mekhi Becton's shattered kneecap could be good for his career

I think maybe this time will do him well, mature, and we'll see him this year. The shattered kneecap could be really good for his NFL career is what I'm trying to say, trying to be optimistic.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

The Yankees suck and won't even make the playoffs

They suck. Blow up the team. They won't even make the playoffs. [The Yankees] suck. It's been the same team five years in a row.

The Cleveland Browns are the 'rapist franchise' for betting on a light Deshaun Watson sentence

Anytime you're like I'm betting on a sex criminal getting a light sentence. That's the good thing that can happen for me. You're fucked. It's also like betting on Hitler to win World War II. Right? It's like you won, but it's like now you're the rapist franchise. Yeah. Congratulations.

The breakup of Chrissy Teigen and John Legend will be the greatest day on the internet

I can't wait for Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It's gonna be the best day on the internet. Like all these people being like, what is love anymore? ... It will be the greatest breakup of all time... Their private life must be a horror show. John legend... that's the kind of guy that cheats as he gets older. He's gonna do it like in a classy way.

Every NFL team should be tampering

I'm saying everyone should tamper in the NFL. Why not fucking go for it? If you're not tampering, you're not trying.

The New York Jets are an absolute wagon this year

My hot seat is the AFC East today. I visited Jets camp and I have to say they are all totally on the hot seat because the Jets are an absolute wagon. And their offense looked electric. Seriously.

The pitcher-catcher chemistry is overrated; catchers are pros

I think it's ridiculous when guys have to have a certain catcher behind the plate. I think it's stupid. As long as you got a catcher's mitt behind the plate and you've gone over the hitters with me in the pre-game meeting and we're on the same page, I don't give a shit... some of these starting pitchers need to take a step back and maybe take some of the blame... If you're in the big leagues, your job description is the same as the next guy.

O'Neil Cruz has a chance to be the best baseball player of all time

Someone told me that I trust who has good baseball knowledge said that there's a 5.5% chance he could end up being the best baseball player of all time... think about it, you're like, oh fuck, I gotta pay attention. He's six foot seven... is it true that he runs like Tyreek Hill? He's so fast. And then he threw from shortstop to first base... 97 [mph].

The ceremonial first pitch should count in the game as a ball or strike

The first pitch should count. It should count as a ball or strikes. How great would that be though? So the home team always gets to pick the first pitcher and someone will like air mail it... so the first batter gets up there and it's a 1-0 count. It wouldn't actually change any outcomes... but it would add a fun wrinkle.

Jim Harbaugh's adoption stance is actually a long-term recruiting strategy to build a super team

He's essentially just opened the doors being like, I will take any babies that my team produces. And guess what? It's a lot easier to recruit your adopted sons than it is some random kid... He's building a super team for 20 years from now. Embryos are getting an offer letter to Michigan.

Ben Simmons' claim that playing with Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant would be 'scary' meant he was literally scared to play

[Ben Simmons] said, quote, 'It's going to be scary.' So I actually think he was correct about this. He was talking about, he was just expressing his emotions. He was like, 'I'm scared to play. I'm scared to play basketball.'

The LIV Tour could eventually take over everything in our lives, including this podcast

I mean, it's a possibility that live tour could just take over everything that we like. Yeah. In every single branch of our life in this podcast. Yes. Open for business.

It is time for Bill Belichick to retire because the game has passed him by

It's time for Bill Belichick to retire. Has the game passed him by?... If Mac Jones is not the answer this year... I think we're gonna have the conversation: 'Bill, is it time to go coach lacrosse?'

Any rich person who doesn't buy a sports team is untrustworthy

Any guy who or any person, because I'm a feminist, any woman guy who has that much money and doesn't buy a sports team, can't be trusted... Piece of shit. Because it's like, what is the point of having that much money and not owning a sports franchise? Like that's, that's the end goal of society. ... The end goal is like buy an NFL team. That's what rich people do.

The Statue of Liberty was a bad gift from the French because of high maintenance and war obligations

The statue of Liberty was low key, a pretty shitty thing for the French to do to us. They just made this giant sculpture outta bronze. And it's like, here, you have to clean this every day or else it's gonna turn green and it's a big fucking woman and you ha it's so big that you have to find an island to put it on and oh yeah. It's also gonna make, you have to fight on our side in every war that happens from now until the end of eternity.

The Bengals' white helmets will make them faster on offense but a liability on special teams

I think that the Bengals white helmets, it makes them faster on offense. They'll score... but special teams will be liability, kick coverage, especially, and kickoff returns. I don't see that working out well.

The MLB Home Run Derby was rigged for Albert Pujols

MLB homerun, Derby rigged. Big time. One of Albert Pujols' home runs should not have counted. He also, his pitcher had not even started his wind up when the clock hit zero and then Schwarber may or may not have had dinger taken off the board because they couldn't keep track of all the balls in the air.

The mob deserves a better reputation because they built Las Vegas

The mob, shout out the mob. Mob gets a bad rep. They built Las Vegas for us. That's a fact. Say what you will about the mob. They built Las Vegas. Okay.

Climbing Mount Everest is now effectively 'glamping'

Everest is also kind of glamping nowadays. No, I mean, but that actually makes it worse for him because Everest is not even cool anymore. Everyone climbs Everest. I remember when Everest was like, oh, don't climb Everest. You'll fucking die. Now everyone fucking climbs Everest. There's like huge lines. Yep.

Naming your child Cameron guarantees they will win an Open Championship

I don't know why all the Camerons are good at golf cam Smith. Isn't random. We got cam young cam young cam young is the one who's leading right now. I believe cam Smith. Isn't third. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. And Cameron's are just it's it's the most golf name out there. Have a kid named Cameron. They'll probably win an open championship.

Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman is the most annoying guy in golf for ruining the game

One crown prince Muhammad bin Salman. He's an annoying golf [guy]. He is annoying. He's taken. He's just ruined the game of golf for everybody. Really. He's probably the most annoying golf guy. And if he hears me say this, he probably saw my arms off. Yes.

MLB might rig the Home Run Derby for Albert Pujols by giving him 'good balls'

I do think there's a pretty good chance that they might rig it for Albert Pujols. He might get the good balls.

The James Webb telescope images are fake and look like a lava lamp

Those images... are freaking me out... but that could also just be some fucking scientists lava lamp and they just send it out and they're like, check this out guys... I did see this picture and I just said that's fake.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

The rumors about Zach Wilson's personal life confirm he has 'that dog in him'

I think confirmed got that dog in him. He is a dog... If it's the truth, two consenting adults, what's the problem? I think this actually will get Zach Wilson more respect in the locker room.

People who wear SPF 50 sunscreen should just stay inside

I judge you if your SPF is 35 or plus... I want to put it on 50. I'm just immediately like, dude, just go inside. There's no reason to be outside. If you really can't handle this, just say you're not that guy pal. That's what I say to anyone who puts on 50.

Texas is 'back' as soon as they get one big win in September

My threshold is one big win in September. They're back... If they cover against Alabama, they might be back. Yes, that might be what makes them back right there.

This D&D episode is the greatest podcasting ever done

It is maybe the greatest podcasting ever done. And I'm just going to say it, podcasting ever done. I think I'd say that if Game of Thrones creators had had a last season that was half as good as this, then everyone would have critical acclaim of it.

I would be the best in the world at any profession I chose to obsess over

I believe whatever I did, I would be the best at, just because I only want to be the best... I wanted to be at one point in my life thinking I wanted to be, you know, I'm a Navy pilot. I mean, I would have been the best because I would have been so obsessed with it. I wanted to be, you know, a crime fighter. I mean, I put every bad guy in jail because I'd be the best.

Oregon belongs in the SEC based on vibes alone

I honestly think that on vibes alone, Oregon should be in the sec. I feel like that's, that's where they belong as a, as a school. If I'm just like going strictly off five.

Hook is a top 50 movie of all time

I seriously think that. I think that movie ['Hook'] is a top 50 movie all time. That movie fucking rocks... I did a list. I think it comes in around the forties, but it's a top 50 movie of all time.