Takes

The winning coach of Super Bowl 58 will have 'sport water' poured on them during the Gatorade bath

I like color of body armor poured on winning coach clear slash water. ... Body Armor sport water. ... Plus 700. Nice.

The Colts are in deep water because they have the toughest remaining schedule in the NFL.

The Colts could be in deep water because the Colts have the toughest remaining strength to schedule based on win percentage. They play the Jaguars, the Seahawks, the 49ers, the Jaguars and the Texans. Those are all playoff teams right now.

The Patriots' lighthouse is not a 'real' lighthouse because it's not visible from a federal body of water

It's not a lighthouse if it's not visible from a federal body of water... It's a fucked up stupid lighthouse. They call it a non-traditional lighthouse. A.k.a. not a lighthouse.

I am going to break 120 in golf this off-season without cheating

I think this is the off season that I get really into golf... I'm gonna break 120 before, and not by cheating. I'm not gonna cheat except on maybe one water hole I'll cheat on one water hole. But besides that, I'm gonna do it straight up, just clean as can be.

I would rather watch the playoffs fan-free than have the Patriots make it just to get smoked

Honestly, I know I have to watch these games anyway. I would rather just watch the playoffs completely fan free because I know it's get my hopes up and be like, oh, you know, I have to worry about and like, kind of put myself up for them winning. Even though if they won the first game, they're getting smoked the second game. They're probably getting smoked the first game.

The Packers' all-white 'Winter Warning' uniforms are a disgusting affront to football

The Packers going with the all-white uniforms and all-white helmets are a disgusting affront to football color rush. It's a disgusting front. The Green Bay Packers—and I hate them—their football jerseys and color scheme are football. They should never do any type of gimmicky alternate bullshit. If you're a Packers fan, you should be disgusted by this.

Teddy Bridgewater can't throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field

I don't think Teddy Bridgewater can throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field. So I like that under.

Teddy Bridgewater is the best quarterback in NFL history at covering spreads

The dolphins minus three and a half... Teddy Bridgewater, the best quarterback in the history of the NFL at covering spreads. Spread Bridgewater. I saw some people call him Teddy covers. No, it's Spread Bridgewater. He is 42-20-0 against the spread that hits at a .677 clip. That's number one by far.

Watching Super Bowl tape as motivation before a rematch is a bad move by Kyle Shanahan

Kyle Shanahan forced the team to watch the Super Bowl this week and said, I think everyone understands that we've lost two Super Bowls [to] them. So, I mean, that can give you a little post-traumatic stress when you turn on the tape. I don't know. I don't know if I like that. ... In what world does that improve morale? Zero. I I guess you could just hope that it's gonna piss 'em off.

NFL points are a finite resource; scoring 70 means you'll have fewer points later

I feel like points are a finite resource... They might have scored too many points last week [scoring 70]. Too many points.

I'm betting on Lamar Jackson because he plays better with diarrhea

Another important thing to note is that Lamar Jackson has been out two days this week with diarrhea. Again, he's the most diarrhea quarterback in the NFL and he always plays great. He plays lighter when he's at diarrhea. So this is a big time intestinal bug issue for the Ravens and for Lamar Jackson. So I'm going to bet on Lamar Jackson.

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

Deshaun Watson is the perfect quarterback for the Browns because his off-field issues prevent the media from over-hyping the team

Deshaun Watson, everything off the field, I think he's the perfect quarterback for, for the Browns... because a lot of people don't wanna talk about the Browns 'cause of Deshaun Watson. So it tempers the Browns hype. And the Browns are one of those teams I put in the category of like never overhype the Browns.

Jalen Carter will record at least one sack in Super Bowl 59

Jalen Carter one sack... Is it over a half a sack? Yeah, it's one plus sacks. Jalen Carter.

Deshaun Watson will be rusty and the Texans will cover +7

Texans plus seven Dashaun Watson's coming back. He is playing his first game of football since January 3rd, 2021. That's essentially two years. In between football games. That's a long time. It's a long time to not play football. Yes.

If the Cowboys win in Kansas City, they are officially on 'Super Bowl Watch' times a billion

I'm just very excited for this week. Cause I feel like we're going to learn a lot from this week. Like the [Cowboys] go into Kansas City, they are on soupy. Soupy, watch times a billion.

The Falcons are a team to watch as a trade destination for Kirk Cousins

I noticed earlier in the week the Falcons made cap room. They did a big restructuring. I could see the Falcons trying to do something like that [trading for Kirk Cousins]. Because if you're being honest as a Falcons fan, you're not really happy with the quarterback situation right now.

JJ Watt is a better football player than he is a person

He was a much better player? Yes. He was like one of the top three all-time players... He has three defensive player of the year awards Only one man of the year award. So I'd say he's a better, the stats don't lie. He's a better player than he is a person.

Deshaun Watson has the highest ratio of football talent to being a bad person of any player currently in the NFL.

In today's game, I would say that Deshaun Watson has the biggest football to good guy ratio. [He is a] way better football player than human being. Insanely a large gap.

If the Giants and Dolphins game had better weather, I'd bet the over 48.5

I love the over in this game, just because I don't know if the Giants, the Giants have played really good defenses, by the way... I think it's a bounce back game for the Dolphins.

TJ Watt's injury might be a psychological 'Art of War' ploy to trick the Ravens

I have a theory about TJ Watt's injury... I think this could be an Art of War situation. Sun Sue Art of War. Make your enemy think that you were weak when you were strong... Start throwing out the one in 10 without TJ Watts Stats... Let people start thinking during the week of practice. Maybe TJ's not gonna be playing this week.

The Rio Olympics will be defined by corruption and extortion

Not only is the water full of poop in Rio, but the people that they hired to clean it up stole the money. So pretty classic Olympics we got going on here, folks. We got the environmental stuff. We got the extortion. We got corruption.

Bears in zoos do not hibernate because they have constant access to food and warmth

Animals in zoos do not hibernate. Bears in zoos don't hibernate if they have plenty of food and water and warmth. They don't hibernate. Hibernation is only in a state of cold.

I'm betting the Bills -7 over the Dolphins because Tua Tagovailoa can't play in the cold

I had no idea they went to seven, Tua has played 63 games in college and pro and never started a game that's been under 36 degrees. Yep... He's not a cold weather guy... This is going to be a big time fish outta water studio. Yes. And he also, he started three games with the temperatures under 50 degrees. Oh three straight up and against the spread... Bill's my seven, my pick.