Takes

Every hobby a man has is designed primarily to attract women

It's from Ed Latimore, former professional boxer... All of your hobbies and ambitions are to attract women. Nature doesn't care how much personal fulfillment you get from them. Those things are cool, but they're coincidental positive externality to the Prime objective to keep the species going. Every hobby that you have is designed to attract women.

World Chase Tag is a superior concept to Parkour and should be an Olympic sport

I want a sport where if you tag a guy, there you go. Where there's a winner and there's a loser... It's basically parkour, but with an element of tag. That's an Olympic sport... This sport, this tag sport, is ten times the sport of handball.

Nick Bosa is a quitter for withdrawing from Ohio State before the draft

I'm just saying it's a black stain on the OSU program... I kind of think he's a quitter... if you can't play for an egomaniacal lying psychopath [Urban Meyer], why could you ever play for Dan Snyder?

James Franklin made the worst play call of all time against Ohio State

James Franklin had somehow the worst play call off of two timeouts that I've ever seen. The Ohio State-Penn State game... fourth and five, needs it to keep the game alive. He's got three timeouts. He uses two of them to decide what to call and then calls a handoff that went nowhere.

Phillies manager Gabe Kapler is incompetent and trying to get fired

I don't think we've ever seen someone become a baseball manager that doesn't know what the fuck he's doing whatsoever... Everyone's got to follow Gabe Kapler because I think this is the first time ever where someone got a job they didn't want and they're trying to get fired.

Since pickles are green, a Dilly Dog is basically a salad

No, I like it [Dilly Dog]. You can put anything in a pickle. And guess what? Since pickles are green, it's basically a salad. If you wrap anything in green, boom. Healthy.

Russell Wilson is better than Matthew Stafford because Stafford was drafted higher

I actually came up with a couple reasons why I might agree with [Andy Benoit]. Number one, Stafford was drafted first overall. So Russell Wilson was in the third round. This is called the Kevin White law. If you're saying that Russell Wilson is better, then that's a slap in the face to all the people that do mock drafts... Number two, he gets paid more. Matt Stafford gets paid more. So are you saying that capitalism is a flawed system?

Blake Bortles is a top 5 quarterback in the NFL

Name five better. Go ahead, Hank. Give us your top five quarterbacks right now. Tom Brady, Jared Goff, Blake Bortles, and then the list dramatically falls off after that.

Umpires are more likely to be lenient with Trevor Bauer because he supports Donald Trump

I think he would be more likely to be a successful pitcher as a Trump supporter because I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most umpires are probably Trump supporters. Blue Lives Matter. That's what they call umpires... I feel like Country Joe [West] might be pulling the lever for Trump... umpires would be more likely to be lenient with a Trump-supporting pitcher.

Colin Kaepernick is being blackballed because his name is too difficult to spell

I actually think Colin Kaepernick's getting blackballed because his last name's annoying to spell. The whole A before E thing is very problematic. I mean, I always say cap because I don't want to spell it out and be wrong. So teams are probably like, you know what? We don't want all of our fans on Twitter to look like idiot fans by misspelling the quarterback's name.

Kobe Bryant is the greatest of all time

But I think to avoid this debate, the stance of this podcast is just going to be Kobe. We're just Kobe guys. Kobe is the greatest of all time. Just so we never have to debate this again.

Eating dinner with a woman who isn't your wife is a form of cheating

I think that eating is a form of cheating. I think eating is actually worse than sex. Because if you think back to cavemen, cavemen, they wouldn't share a meal, right? But they go around fucking everything. That's guy stuff. Guys like to fuck... But eating, it's like, no, this is my sacred energy source. I'm not going to share it with you.

Ezekiel Elliott's 'feed me' celebration is problematic because of world hunger

This celebration is kind of problematic. A lot of people out there don't have food. They're hungry. They don't have soup. They don't have cereal. Ezekiel Elliott's just out there wasting it. He's basically saying, look how rich I am. I can eat.