Takes

LeBron James is a 'shisha-holic' who needs to stop drinking wine everywhere

LeBron drank wine on the bench. And I think we can all agree he has a problem. ... realize that your king — I'm doing air quotes — your king is a shisha-holic.

Dwight Howard is the worst teammate of all time

Dwight Howard, the worst teammate. Can we say he's the worst teammate of all time? Embrace the bait... Dwight Howard just being the worst teammate ever and no one wanting him. He alienated his teammates before we met him.

Dwight Howard would work on the Celtics

I actually think he would work on the Celtics. Call me crazy. But they wouldn't let him be the alpha. And if he didn't fit, he wouldn't fit. But I think he could fit.

LeBron James' game-winner shouldn't count if he didn't call 'bank' because I'd rather be good than lucky

If you don't call bank in a situation like that, I don't think it should count. [Big Cat:] I'd rather be good than lucky... Skip [Bayless], he knows. [PFT:] It was a bad shot that happened to go in. Which doesn't count the same as a good shot.

The NFL needs more players like Vontaze Burfict

The NFL needs more Vontaze Burfict. Not the other way around. I want to be scared going over the middle. You need a guy like that in the league at all times.

If something is more expensive, that means it's better

If something's more expensive, that means it's better, right? Correct. Without a doubt. Like Fyre Fest tickets. That was the best concert of all time.

The Golden State Warriors are a worse team with Kevin Durant.

I said that they were going to be worse with [Kevin Durant]. I said that. I was the only one. You called me an idiot. Guess what? The black hole is leaving Oakland, but he's the new black hole.

Adam Schefter is a beta who isn't 'man enough' to cheat on his wife

I don't think Schefter, I don't think he's, like, enough of a man to be a cuck... Schefter's a beta. Nobody except for his wife wants to have sex with him.

Skip Bayless is right that Bill Belichick is only a very good coach, not a great one, because he hasn't won without a quarterback

Kings stay kings. He said, I don't think he's a great coach. I think he's a very good one... Bill Belichick has not won a Super Bowl without a quarterback. Not that good. He's good. He's great. He's very good, but he's not great. Right. Exactly.

The Patriots' franchise success is suspiciously linked to the aftermath of 9/11

Patriots completely changed the course of their franchise after [9/11]. Look into it... the plot thickens. Bill Belichick has not won a Super Bowl without a quarterback [or a national tragedy].

Mike Wilbon is actually a blogger because his job is the same as Barstool's

Has somebody explained to Mike Wilbon that his job is pretty literally our job? So he's a blogger, too. He doesn't even write columns anymore. You know what? Anybody that doesn't like bloggers, guess what? You're a blogger. I'm going to call you a blogger.

Bill Belichick signs white receivers just to confuse Chris Collinsworth

I think that he just signs white receivers and running backs just to confuse Chris Collinsworth. So the announcers have to take another 15 seconds after they get a first down or touchdown to just make sure that they get the guy's name right.

Game 7 of the 2016 World Series was the most pressurized event in human history

Jason [Whitlock] was coming for the crown... He said, 'Game seven was the most pressurized event, perhaps, in human history.' So thoughts and prayers to the Civil War. D-Day. Maybe if Theo [Epstein] had been working for the South, we'd all be speaking Cajun right now.