PMT DB
PMT DB
Eric Kelly and Mr. Portnoy on Masters, Boxing Jesus, and LA Car Chases
The Masters is finally here, and Big Cat is already in mid-season form with his love-hate relationship with Augusta National. While the tournament's stubborn refusal to air the early morning rounds on television is enough to drive any fan insane, PFT Commenter thinks the green jacket crowd actually knows exactly what they're doing by withholding the product to make us want it more. Of course, the real highlight of the opening round wasn't a Tiger roar or a Phil flop: it was Ernie Els absolutely losing his mind on the first green.
PFT CommenterErnie Els six-putting at the Masters is the worst thing a South African person has ever done in history
The bottom line is what Ernie Els did today was probably the worst thing a South African person has ever done... in the history of the world.
After watching Els six-putt from within ten feet, Big Cat and PFT couldn't help but roast the niche world of 'golf guys.' Between the specialized $75 umbrellas and the weird forehead tan lines, Big Cat isn't ready to elevate the sport to the big leagues just yet.
Big CatGolf is not a major sport
I don't care if someone shoots the wrong club or if I said the wrong terminology with golf. Golf is not a major sport. It's not one of the four major sports for a reason. If it were a major sport, everyone would watch it.
Fighting Jesus with Eric Kelly
Four-time amateur national champion Eric Kelly joined the show to provide some much-needed boxing expertise, though the conversation quickly spiraled into the theology of the ring. When discussing Dada 5000’s infamous fight with Kimbo Slice—where Dada essentially died and was revived—Kelly argued that the man is a literal martyr who managed to do the impossible.
Eric KellyBeating death in the ring is the same as beating Jesus
You mean to tell me the nigga lost the Kimbo Slice but beat Jesus? ... If you beat death, that's beating Jesus. Like, Jesus died for our sins, right? So, technically, anybody else that dies, it's because Jesus died, too. So, like, I say that puts you right above Jesus.
Kelly didn't hold back on the current state of the sport or its famous fans. He took aim at 50 Cent’s claims of being an elite amateur fighter, calling out the rapper for supposedly inflating his resume in the New York boxing scene.
Eric Kelly50 Cent lied about winning the Golden Gloves
50 Cent is so much of a fan of boxing. First of all, he lied and said he was a fighter. 50, you said you won the Golden Gloves. You came in New York City, came up where I came up at. I won the Golden Gloves every time I fought in them. I know everybody around here. 50, you did not fight in the Golden Gloves.
Before letting him go, Kelly also shared his thoughts on Janet Jackson canceling her tour to start a family. While most fans were understanding, Kelly viewed it as a betrayal of the fans who already shelled out cash for tickets.
Eric KellyJanet Jackson is selfish for canceling her tour to have a family
She cancels her fucking show because she says she wants to have a family, and she wants to concentrate on that with her husband. ... Selfish. She cancels her show for some dick. ... Not only did she cancel her show, she didn't refund her fans the tickets that they bought.
Legal Advice with Mr. Portnoy
Our favorite legal expert, Mr. Portnoy, returned to the program to help Big Cat and PFT navigate the many lawsuits they are definitely going to face. The primary concern was an LA car chase where the suspects started following traffic laws mid-pursuit to try and 'undo' their crimes. Mr. Portnoy was quick to shut down the 'take-backsies' defense, though he did offer some hope that they could sell their memoirs to BuzzFeed.
Speaking of the Red Sox and weight issues, the guys asked about Pablo Sandoval being benched for his conditioning. Mr. Portnoy provided a masterclass in employment law regarding 'tubs of lard.'
Mr. PortnoyThe Red Sox cannot claim fat discrimination against Pablo Sandoval because they knew he was fat when they signed him
They accepted him as being a lot-ass when they signed him, he was heavy. ... So they will accept them the way he was. ... We hired you and we knew that you were this tub of lard and it didn't matter at the time. ... The reason that we're letting you go is not because you're fat, but because you can't hit for a lick.
Parental Advisory and Jimbos
In a special Parental Advisory segment, the guys looked into Jim Harbaugh’s Instagram activity. It turns out the Michigan man was caught liking some questionable bikini photos before nuking his entire account. While some see it as a scandal, PFT saw it as a sign of life.
PFT CommenterLiking bikini photos on Instagram proves Jim Harbaugh isn't a sociopath
The fact that he's going on Instagram and liking pictures of chicks in bikinis, that means maybe there's some hope for Harbaugh after all. ... Maybe he is human.
To wrap up the week, PFT is riding high on his Cincinnati Reds prediction. Despite Big Cat’s skepticism, the Reds are off to a hot start, and PFT is ready to lead the charge for the most complicated hashtag in baseball history.
If you see a guy in a golf vest six-putting at your local muni this weekend, just remember: no pressure, no diamonds.
