If you win only one Super Bowl, you actually have zero

He's won one Super Bowl, which we can get into cause I have the theory that if you win one Super Bowl, you actually have none.

Steve Harvey is the greatest game show host of his generation.

But I will say one guy who's transcended all of that and even surpassed Louie Anderson, who nobody thought ever could is Steve Harvey with Family Feud. America's host Family Feud. You know what I mean? I think Steve definitely did that.

Having a child is a completely transformative experience that non-parents cannot understand

That's one of those ones that like, if you don't have kids, and I'm not shaming anyone, but like when you do have a kid, you're like, oh fuck, this is completely different than anything else.

Shaving your head and growing a beard is the only move for balding men

Shave it and grow a beard... my thing was, which I held onto it for a while... and I finally got... I found this barber... He goes 'Dude you need to just shave your fucking head.' That's, yeah, I think you're right dude. It's tough. I shave it. It was just, you know, bullied me into shaving my head.

Chris Simms is one of the people in sports media who hated me most

If there was one person that, that I don't even know, you know, who hated me... I would imagine like if you asked him, he would be like, 'Yeah, that guy sucked' was Chris Simms. [Simms] hated me. I saw, showed he me a list one time he ranked me as like the 47th best quarterback in the nfl and I was starting in Jacksonville.

I’m officially retiring from the NFL unless someone offers me a two-year, $15 million contract

I quietly, I didn't tell anybody I retired. Just didn't tell anyone... I guess you guys are kind of the first to hear it publicly... I've officially retired... [unless] two for 15 million. I'd be there in a heartbeat.