I'm going to corner the market on Lou Dort Top Shots and get rich when he wins MVP

My entire investment strategy is to corner the market on Lou Dort. Okay. So I'm putting everyone in the Dortcher chamber. We're going to buy all the Lou Dort, and then when Lou Dort wins MVP, everyone's going to be like, where are all the Lou Dort top shots?

If Jeff Bezos bids $7 billion for the Washington Football Team, the other NFL owners will force Dan Snyder out

If Jeff Bezos, who is the richest man in the world, wants to pay like six, seven billion dollars for an NFL franchise, if Dan Snyder doesn't want to sell still at that point, you're going to see all the owners... try their very best to push Dan Snyder out because that will make all of their franchises increase by like another billion dollars.

I can beat up any 10-year-old in the entire world

I think that I could beat up any 10-year-old in the country. Probably the world. I don't think that there's a 10-year-old in the world whose ass I couldn't kill... Pre-puberty, I could defeat any 10-year-old in the world.

Never name a dog after a sports figure who hasn't already secured a Hall of Fame legacy

Never name your dogs after sports figures that aren't Hall of Famers... maybe don't name him after a player unless he's been at least two or three All-Star games. That's a good little rule of thumb.

The Squatty Potty is the medically superior way to defecate because of human evolution

I got it, bro. I got it. Okay. This is not a plug, but a Squatty potty... We sit regular, right? And that messes up our bowel movements. Right? So if he's leaning for a while... it could be coming out the wrong angle, but the Squatty potty lifts your knees to your chest. And the angles is downward. That's how we evolved to actually defecate.

The NFL's statement on George Floyd is only being made because it's now 'safe'

The NFL has a track record of being reactionary rather than proactive. And this is exactly what they're doing right now... They're saying it because it's safe to do so now... If you're really with it, then condemn the ownership that has blackball cap, condemn the ownership that has funded and backed publicly a man that is calling the same protesters thugs.