Takes

The Lakers signed Dwight Howard to be the fall guy for LeBron James

Lakers fans, no matter what happens, no matter how shitty the team plays, they're going to hate LeBron or they're going to hate Dwight more than they hate LeBron. So LeBron has a real easy fall guy to point at and Dwight Howard and then be like, we got rid of the fall guy. Now it's time for us to gel as a team.

Christmas Day is the official start of the NBA season

People start caring about the NBA on Christmas Day. That is the official start of the season. They should just start it at that point and then move on from there because, yeah, football, we own the fall.

Devin Booker complaining about double teams in open runs is a soft move

Devin Booker was mad because Joakim Noah sent a double team on them. And Devin Booker was like, hey, we don't double team and open run... it just showed maybe Devin Booker is the s word soft... what more could work on your game than having a double-team you get double-teamed in the NBA. Why wouldn't she want to be double-teamed right here?

Kobe Bryant being ranked 13th for the 2010s decade is fair

There was the all-decades list for the 2010s and Kobe was 13 on it, which I honestly think is like fair... If you're looking at the whole decade, his body of work over the 2010s is not like [first team].

Carmelo Anthony was cut by the Rockets because he simply wasn't good at basketball anymore

I think the money he was being paid to play basketball [was why he was cut]. To be shitty at basketball. Yeah... it's not a basketball reason if you can't play basketball anymore.

The Brooklyn Nets officially own Brooklyn over the Knicks

[Big Cat]: Do the Nets own New York? [Joe Harris]: I wouldn't go that far. [Big Cat]: Do you guys own Brooklyn? [Joe Harris]: We definitely own Brooklyn. Hopefully. I don't want to impose on the old Brooklyn Dodgers fans.

You must have an NBA championship ring to receive a retirement farewell tour

I think the farewell tour, you need to have a ring. I think you need to have a ring to get a farewell tour. I think that's the threshold.

LeBron James doesn't love his kids because he lets them play basketball instead of football

I would actually say that the worst thing that LeBron James is doing, the proof that he doesn't actually love his kids, is that they're playing basketball and not football. Like LeBron James should have been a football player to begin with. He's always kind of taking the coward's way out.

LeBron James was taking time and attention away from the kids by dunking in the layup line

Seemed pretty dangerous. Seemed like he was taking time away from the kids. Seemed like the rim probably, the next dunk that goes down, the backboard's going to come down.

Joel Embiid is the hardest player to guard in the post

I'll probably have to say a guy like Joel Embiid, man. He's a big guy. He can face up, back to the basket, super skilled, extremely strong. So a guy like that probably.

Adam Silver is on a war against toxic masculinity

[Steve Ballmer] will just cry. And guess what? Adam Silver, you can't fine a man for crying. As a matter of fact, that's the last thing Adam Silver would ever do because he is on a full war against toxic masculinity.

Michael Jordan's competitive drive is the athlete trait I wish I had most

I'll start with Michael Jordan's competitive drive. That will be my number one.

Golden State would have won the championship if they were healthy

I think Golden State would have won this year [2019] if they were healthy. Like no question.

It's very lame when NBA players get upset about their 2K ratings

Very [lame], yeah. Because it has no control over how you actually are as a player.

Sam Cassell would be the perfect athlete to storm Area 51 because the aliens would think he's one of them

My second one, I guess I'll go with Sam Cassell. Just because, you know, maybe if there is any type of, like, maybe these guys are like us, they'll see Sam Cassell and be like, all right, that's an ally.

Cleveland fans felt personally rejected by LeBron James when he left for Miami

Number one need in all people is acceptance. Number one fear is rejection. [LeBron] rejected the cities. I'm out of here. So they all felt rejected. We're not good enough. You're leaving us. So that hurt. So they really had a love-hate relationship with him.

Grayson Allen's reputation for dirty play is back

Grayson Allen's back committing flagrant fouls at a rate unprecedented to players not named Grayson Allen. ... It's great to see a player fall back into the old stereotype that you had on him.

The Clippers would need to win 17 championships to take over Los Angeles

[The Clippers] better watch their back. ... They'd have to win 17 [championships]. They'd have to go 17 in a row probably for people to start saying it's no longer a Laker team.

Jay Williams claiming Duke could beat the Cavs was his 'arrival moment' in the hot take industry.

The saying, 'Duke can beat the Cavs,' is like Jay Williams' arrival moment. He's just letting everyone know, hey, I'm here now to just spew some bullshit out here. I'm for real.

Zion Williamson would actually play worse if he lost weight.

I think [Zion Williamson] would actually get worse if he lost weight. There's something about his body. He's got power that he can just jump into. It doesn't look as much like an offensive foul if a fat guy runs into you as opposed to like a big jacked up dude.

The NBA has the best offseason in sports

The NBA by far and away has the best offseason in terms of the free agency period and players moving around and teams completely changing the course of their next four to five years in a matter of moments.

Lakers Twitter had the worst two-week showing of any fan base in history

Lakers Twitter had the worst two-week showing of any fan base, basically attacking anyone who would say that Kawhi was going anywhere but the Lakers... It was a full-blown, why wouldn't he go to the Lakers? We're the greatest team of all time, even though we haven't made the playoffs in forever.

Wilt Chamberlain is the greatest basketball player of all time

I think Wilt Chamberlain is the best player. Wilt Chamberlain has 68 of the 72 NBA records... He got 23,000 rebounds.

Kobe Bryant was a more skilled offensive player than Michael Jordan

When I say Kobe is better than Michael Jordan, I'm talking about as far as skilled in the overall game... Kobe can do everything Michael Jordan can do, but he learned how to do it better offensively.

Daryl Morey is playing with house money and the Jimmy Butler pursuit is his ultimate move

It's almost like he's playing with house money at this point, and Jimmy Butler, J-Butt, is the ultimate house money move.

LeBron James giving Anthony Davis his number 23 jersey means it is now Davis' team

I think that means that this is Anthony Davis' team though. I think it does. If we're talking Batman and Robin, the Batman definitely wears number 23.

Doc Rivers looked like a better coach when Austin Rivers was on his team because Austin was such a shithead

Doc Rivers appeared to be a better coach when he had his son on the team because his son was such a shithead that if you could squeeze a little bit of blood out of Austin Rivers, then you looked like a fucking genius.

The Warriors training staff is sketchy and prioritizes the team over player health

My hot seat is the Warriors training staff. Since the Durant injury, there's been rumors about how Durant was ripshit over the Warriors training staff for kind of lying to him and telling him that the injury wasn't as bad... And Iguodala went on The Breakfast Club today, and he basically revealed himself that he had a fractured leg in the 2018 playoffs, but that was kept under wraps and downplayed.

Zion Williamson is the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years

Is Zion Williamson the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years? The most beloved. I'm talking about everyone loves him... universallly sports fans it feels like everyone's rooting for [Zion].

Space Jam 2 is a front to pay players off the books and avoid the NBA salary cap

Space Jam 2 is just an excuse to pay players off the book and avoid the salary cap. Palenka, he doesn't have to know anything about the salary cap. All he has to know is LeBron James' cell phone number and be like, hey, is the money good? Right. Okay, awesome. He's got a spreadsheet. Can you shave $10 million off Lola Bunny's contract and funnel it to Anthony Davis?

Kawhi Leonard is actually more fun than the internet portrays him

Let's be nice to Kawhi. I think Kawhi is more fun than we then the internet collectively has put on him. ... The brand is very strong. ... There's nothing he can do at this point to be like, oh, my God, Kawhi's coming out of his shell.

Injuries are part of the game and shouldn't lead to an asterisk for the Raptors' title

Being healthy is part of winning an NBA championship. And I hate when people do the asterisks. Being healthy is part of winning an NBA championship.

The Achilles injury should be renamed the 'Kobe Heel'

We need to rebrand the Achilles injury. We named it after a dude that lost a war like 5,000 years ago. And we're still calling it the Achilles. It should be the Kobe heel.

Bob Myers' tears at the Kevin Durant press conference were 'guilty man' tears

I'm going to say it was more because he [Bob Myers] fucked up somehow. Yeah, those are the tears. And if he cries, those are the tears of a guilty man who's like, I need to be super emotional because I know that my medical staff fucked up by allowing him to go out there and now everyone would be like, oh, poor Bob Myers, he really cares.

Michael Jordan's 90s Bulls were much bigger than the current Warriors

They were the Beatles. It was so much bigger than the Warriors. People have no idea... They say that, I mean, I have traveled with the Warriors too and they say it's equal, but it's not equal because I've done both.

Nick Nurse called one of the worst timeouts of all time in Game 5

Nick Nurse with one of the worst timeouts of all time. He said he was actually trying to get them some rest... Kawhi Leonard goes supernova, 10 points in like 90 seconds. I swear to God, Nick Nurse called that timeout to soak it in... It's like, what are you doing, dude? You have all the momentum in the world.

Mark Stevens pushed Kyle Lowry because his 4K technology makes him think the players aren't real

He's exposed to all the finest in 4K 3D technology when it comes to watching these games live. He's probably watched games on his couch where it felt like the players were diving into his living room. So he's probably comfortable shoving at them and getting away with it because they're not real. So when he's at a game, he can't tell what's in the Matrix and what's real life.

Paul Pierce is a coward who didn't actually poop his pants in the 2008 Finals

Paul Pierce... I actually don't really buy it. I don't buy it either. I think he admitted as much that he was just using it kind of to get a headline as a joke. ... I think Paul Pierce has just waited till it's been like the tide has turned on it. And he's like, now it's safe to say this. So he's doing it. He's kind of a coward. And he's not only a coward, but he's doing it. And I don't think he actually had to poop his pants. I think he just thought he was really, really injured.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT over LeBron James because of his leadership

Michael Jordan, he has a leadership. That's the most important thing. As a player, as an athlete, you have a leadership... in a basketball game, if you're a superstar in the team, you have to lead your team.

Kobe Bryant is better than LeBron James

If you're a LeBron stan, take a moment, have a little self-reflection, and realize Kobe's better than LeBron.

LeBron James is the greatest loser in NBA history

[LeBron James] will forever be known as being absolutely great at not succeeding... perhaps the best loser ever.

Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of the Warriors

I'm talking myself into the take that Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of that Warriors team. Clay will come in and he'll shoot like seven for 10.

We would easily beat the Warriors if we started the 4th quarter with a 100-point lead

No, easy. We win by 30 [if we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter].

We would still lose to the Warriors even with a 100-point lead in the 4th quarter

I think we would still lose and it would be like hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time.

I am stronger than Steph Curry and could box him out

I actually do think I'm stronger than Steph Curry... I could box Steph Curry out... I got a much bigger ass. My ass is... Steph does not know how to handle an ass.

Doug Gottlieb is classless for blaming RJ Hampton's parents for his decision to play in New Zealand

To call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move, dude. Just a weird, weird move... it's a crazy move to call an 18-year-old a douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself.

Drake is the worst for rubbing the coach's shoulders on the sideline

Drake is the worst. He is the star of the show up in Canada. So he was rubbing Nick Nurse's shoulders, giving him a little massage on the sidelines. You know what, Drake? You're from Canada. You should know better. It's like the Stanley Cup. You don't touch your coach's shoulders during a game until you win the title.

The Warriors are more fun to watch without Kevin Durant

The question now is, are the Warriors better without Kevin Durant? I think what you're seeing is they're more fun to watch without Kevin Durant. They are absolutely more fun to watch. They play a more interesting brand of basketball. Steph Curry is allowed to be Steph Curry.

The Warriors are Draymond Green's team

The Warriors are a lot of fun to watch right now and I'm gonna say it it's Draymond's team... He had 16, 10, and 7 was everywhere. He is the heartbeat of the Warriors. He unlocks Steph Curry to score 37 points.

I do not count my 2017 NBA Championship as earned

To be honest with you, I really don't count that championship... I got hurt going into the playoffs... and I'm always someone that like, I've never been given anything. So to me, I always wanted to earn it. And I felt like because I wasn't out there, you know, on the court with my guys sweating and fighting that it was kind of really just it was given to me.