Takes

Never bet on the Oakland Raiders

Don't bet on the Raiders. Also, here's another tip. I bet on the Raiders like five times this year. They will find new ways to reach levels of incompetence that we have not seen in this country in the last 200 years.

The Vikings-Bears game will essentially decide the NFC North

I think the Vikings and Bears [is the game of the week] because I think that is going to be essentially the game to decide the NFC North because the winner of that will be in a nice spot going forward.

I am putting all my money on the Saints to beat the Eagles

The Saints have always done the 'I'm going to step on your throat and you're going to thank me for it.' ... So all my money is going to be going on the Saints in this one.

Mitchell Trubisky will have a coming-out game against the Vikings

This is a coming out game for Mitchell [Trubisky]. Yes. Absolutely. He's going to put on a show.

The Redskins will win the NFC East

Now I want to point out that Mike Tanyer... ran a simulation of the rest of the season... And the R-Words still won the division. So don't jump the gun on the Eagles just yet. Now I'm 100% back in on the R-Words train after learning about the simulation.

Adam Thielen will have 147 yards and two touchdowns against the Lions

To me, this feels like an easy Vikings win. And it feels like Adam Thielen putting up like 147 yards, two touchdowns... I'm Thielen 13 targets, 9 catches.

The Saints' 'dome magic' has returned to the Superdome

I want to say the Saints, the dome magic might be coming back... Ever since the ceremony with Drew Brees in the dome, the dome recaptured that magic.

The Houston Texans are a legitimate Super Bowl contender

I've talked myself into the Texans are a legitimate Super Bowl contender.

The Redskins will finish the season with at least 10 wins

The bottom line is the R-words [Redskins] are going to go 10-6 minimum. Maybe 11-5.

The Lions are not sure they're bad and could win their division

I actually think the Lions could be okay. They could win that division, you think? Are we sure they're good? We're not sure they're bad.

The Bears are officially good if they can beat the Patriots

If the Bears can beat the Patriots, then they're officially good. It's going to be a big test.

The Jets did themselves a favor by missing out on Kirk Cousins

If you know anything about Kirk Cousins, you actually did yourself a favor by not getting him because you'd rather suck out loud than be kind of around average for four years.

The Chiefs will have a come-down-to-earth game against the Bengals

I think this is going to be the week where everything comes back down to earth. It's a little bit sloppy. They might lose, but they're probably going to be within the record.

The 2018 NFC Championship will be Bears vs. Rams

It's going to be Rams, Bears, and the NFC Championship game. And the Bears are probably going to beat them with that physical defense.

The 2018 Super Bowl will be Bears vs. Patriots

It's going to be Bears-Patriots in the Super Bowl.

The Chiefs will beat the Patriots outright in Week 6

Chiefs and Patriots, it's going to be awesome. We'll see if Mahomes is for real... I think the Chiefs win this one outright. I do.

The Jaguars vs. Cowboys game will go under 40.5 points

The under that I love, love, love this week is the Jags-Cowboys, under 40 and a half, because the Cowboys can't score, and the Jags have a good defense.

The Rams vs. Broncos game will go under 52.5 points due to the snow

My under is going to be Rams-Denver. So it's 52 and a half, but it's going to be in the snow. Snow football... I'm already mad at myself because if I get all worked up for a snow game and then I tune in and it's a flurry or if there's no snow, that's the most disappointed I'll be all year.

Ben Roethlisberger is 'officially fully broken'

I don't know if we could say Ben [Roethlisberger] at home is a good quarterback right now. He's just, he's broken. He's broken. He is finally officially fully broken. It happened. Ben is broken.

The Jaguars vs. Chiefs Week 5 game is when Patrick Mahomes finally 'comes back down to earth'

The game of the week is easy... the Jaguars versus the Chiefs. Defense versus offense. Mahomes—this is the game that he comes back down to earth.

I'm taking the Jets (-1) at home against the Broncos because people are overrating Denver's performance against the Chiefs

My favorite that I'm taking, I'm taking the Jets at home... minus one against the Broncos. People are going to be saying the Broncos are a good team because they played in prime time and they almost beat... the Chiefs. And then people are going to be hating on the Jets... I'm going to go with the Jets minus one at home.

The Eagles (-3) will beat the Vikings because I think Minnesota stinks

I got Eagles minus three. I think the Vikings stink.

Buffalo is an even worse team than everyone already thought

Buffalo's not as bad as we thought that they were. I think they might be worse than we thought that they were. And they lost Marshall Newhouse, too, so that's a big factor there.

Josh Rosen will be exposed as a fraud against the Seahawks

My pick's going to be the Seahawks, minus three... the Cardinals. Yeah, Josh Rosen's going to throw like four picks... After this week, he'll be exposed.

The Texans' season is over if they lose to the Giants

This is officially if the thing is, I'm pretty sure the Giants are terrible. And if the Texans lose to a terrible team, their season's over.

The Panthers are not a good football team even if they win

I actually think this is kind of a, are we sure they're a good game for the Panthers too? Because if the Panthers lose, I'm going to start asking, are we sure they're good? I don't think the Panthers are good, even if they win.

Bet the Redskins +3 because of the bad turf at FedEx Field

One, Aaron Rodgers, he says that his knee's getting – like he's afraid that it's going to get worse. And the Redskins' defensive line is pretty good... Aaron Rodgers' knee, the Redskins' turf. That's all you need to say for that game.

Josh Gordon won't succeed in New England if he couldn't in Cleveland

If you can't get your shit together enough to play for the Browns and for the Browns to release you—I think that if you can't get your shit together enough to be able to play on the Browns for six years, then you're probably not going to be able to play for Bill Belichick.

The Lions have already quit on Matt Patricia

The Lions already quit on Matt Patricia. I think he's already lost the locker room. I'm going to go all the way there... They already hate Matt Patricia. They already hate that stupid backwards hat and the trash bag he wears.

The Jets are overvalued after their Week 1 performance

Is this a major Ravens against the Bills situation where they're [the Jets] overvalued now? Correct. Well, guess what? I'm an idiot, and so actually all of my picks, I'm looking at them all right now, they're all basic picks.

The Colts and Redskins game will be a shootout

Alex Smith like that's a perfect Jay Gruden's offense perfect he's just gonna dump it down dump it down maybe a couple shots deep every now and then I like the over I think it's gonna be a shootout.

Eli Manning always plays well in Dallas

Doesn't it feel like every time that Eli [Manning] goes to Dallas... I feel like Eli Manning always plays well in Dallas, and I feel like the Sunday night game is when he has, like, the buzz.

The Bengals will be a good value this year

I'm also buying the Bengals this year. I think this is the perfect year for the Bengals to get Marvin Lewis another seven years. Joe Mixon, John Ross, A.J. Green, I actually think they're going to score points.

The Over 45 is a lock for the Titans-Dolphins game

For my over, I'm going with Tennessee and Miami. So it's at 45. Mike Vrabel... you always got to go with a new head coach because you don't have anything on film for him. They're getting away from the exotic smash mouth... so you can't score any fewer points than you did with Mike Malarkey. So I like Tennessee-Miami.

The Under 42.5 is the lock for the Jaguars-Giants game

I'm going to take the Jags-Giants under, 42.5. I think the Giants are going to try to run a lot. I think both teams are going to run a lot, so we're going to get one of those weird games where it's like 10-7 going into the fourth quarter, and there's only been 12 passes.

The Buccaneers will cover +9.5 against the Saints

For my underdog I'm going with the Buccaneers... They're plus nine and a half at New Orleans. This is one of the situations where every bone in my body says to take New Orleans so I'm going to fade myself and I'm going with the Buccaneers.

The Ravens will cover -7.5 against the Bills

The Bills are going to be very, very bad until they start Josh Allen. I'm going to take the Ravens. It's a heavy line, seven and a half. But I just feel like this is, this Bills offensive line has holes... I think the Ravens, John Harbaugh, he always wins week one.

The Over 48 in the Chiefs-Chargers game is money in the bank

I've got my super secret double lock with an over. It's such a good pick that I didn't even feel good telling you about it during the normal segment because it's basically money in the bank. Kansas City and the Chargers over. 48 points. Take it. Smell it.

I am not a Patrick Mahomes guy

I want to be on the record that I am not a Mahomes guy. Okay. Put me on the record. Put me in the history books.

Josh Allen will be the number one overall pick in the 2018 NFL Draft

We now have a place for all you Josh Allen fans out there to learn more about Josh Allen at draftjoshallen.com. I, for one, feel bullish about where we're going with this website... [Mel Kiper] putting Josh Allen at number one on his big board. Twice, though.

Josh Allen will be out of the NFL by 2020

My number one overall pick in the XFL draft is Josh Allen. Quarterback Wyoming... And he won't be in the league [NFL] by 2020.

The Patriots are a bigger lock this week than they were last week and they'll hit the Over

I'm going to take the Patriots. I'm going to say that they're more of a lock this week than they were last week... I would take the over. I probably won't, but I'm just going to load up on the Patriots.

I'm taking the Jaguars and the Under against the Patriots

After I thought about it for a while, I'm going to take the Jaguars in the under.

I like the Vikings and the Over in the NFC Championship

I like the Vikings, and I like the over. Over-under is 39... I think there's going to be a couple big plays that are just random.

The Vikings will win the NFC Championship but the game will go Under

I'm going to take the Vikings, but I'm going to take the under. I like Philly's defense, I think, a little bit more than you.

I'm taking the Eagles and the Under against the Vikings

I like the Eagles and I like the under, but I want the Eagles to lose in a heartbreaker just so we can get a bunch of drunk Philadelphians walking around with dog masks all night.

The Chargers were the best team to not make the playoffs in 2017

The Chargers were the best team to not make the playoffs. Absolutely were... They had a better DVOA than the Ravens. They were a better team than the Ravens.

Lock of the Week: Jaguars -4.5 vs 49ers

I have the Jags. Blake Bortles. [The spread] is four and a half, by the way. Minus four and a half.

Lock of the Week: Chiefs -10 vs Dolphins

I'm going to take the Chiefs. I think the Chiefs have figured it out. Minus 10 Dolphins in Kansas City. Dolphins already won the Super Bowl. Beat the Patriots on Monday night. So this is all just gravy.

The Packers will beat the Browns by double digits in Week 14

I think this is prime. Oh, wow. You want to put a lock on it? Yeah. It is now. ... I'm going to take the Packers. This is where they start their run, and they're going to piss everybody off, and then they're going to win a playoff game.