Takes

The Dolphins are not for real

Are the Dolphins for real? No. No, they're not.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the most talented team in the NFL

I'm going to go to my deathbed saying this. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the most talented team in the NFL.

Alabama will crush Auburn in the 2020 Iron Bowl

Iron Bowl. Alabama's going to fuck Auburn up. The stat I've been throwing out there... Nick Saban is 6-0 all-time against Auburn as 14 or more point favorites. So when he has them, he has them.

Matt Patricia is the 'dumbest rocket scientist' in the world

I think that Matt Patricia is, without a doubt, the dumbest rocket science on the face of the earth right now.

The 2020 Steelers are a 'fun' offensive team, not just a defensive juggernaut

I'm starting to embrace the fact that the Steelers are fun... the Steelers are a fun offensive football team, and it's taken me probably two and a half years of them actually being electric on offense for me to accept that fact.

The Seahawks defense will start turning a corner and stop being a liability within five weeks

Jamal Adams is going to be back. I think that the Seahawks defense is going to start turning a corner here playing well and it's going to take a little bit of time for people to catch up to it. But like in like three four weeks we're going to be sitting here being like, you know, who's really playing well to Seahawks defense.

Antonio Brown joining the Buccaneers will not end well because he is a 'legit psycho'

I'm calling my shot on this Antonio Brown is a legit psycho. You're hot right now because essentially your shots are... it's not going to end well now it's just not. I'm calling my shot on this Antonio Brown is a legit psycho... Big big-time bad news.

Take the Vikings to cover because the Packers are 0-6 straight up on Daylight Savings weekends

The Packers have lost the six six times in a row on daylight savings we can... I think I won six straight out. I thought it was against the spread. I don't know. What is it Jake find it whatever it is. I'm fall forward happened... you probably going to want to take that stat into your real to your play Barstool app picks.

The Washington Football Team will win against the Dallas Cowboys

I think they're going to win this game, by the way... I think the Cowboys are that bad. And again the Cowboys is never a good sign when the Boys players say we wanted to keep this all in-house but our coaches suck.

I love the Panthers to beat the Falcons

Panthers-Falcons, start there. Falcons, this could be the end for Dan Quinn. I have said many times I'm going to respect Teddy Bridgewater more and that's why I love the Panthers in this game.

Joe Burrow is the Spread God of the NFL season.

Joe Burrow this year the Bengals are not going to be good, but I'm actually no I'm yeah, I know Joe Burrow is four and zero against spread. So Joe Burrow is our Spread god of the season so far.

I am officially out on the Eagles

The Eagles are just, they're so sad. I'm done. I'm done. You're pulling the cord on him? Yeah, right. I can't. I'm thinking that they are the same team that won the Super Bowl and I'm just done, I'm done.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Houston Texans win the Super Bowl this year

If the Houston Texans win the Super Bowl this year, I will cut off from the nail up tip of my pinky left hand. It's on.

Tyrod Taylor is a 'rebound' quarterback who provides stability but never wins games

He is the epitome of an average Quarterback, but he's somehow worse than average Quarterback... He doesn't make the mistakes that bad quarterbacks make... He just won't do anything... Tyrod is the rebound quarterback. They take right after you get done with a crazy person that just fucked your brains out.

Bill O'Brien general manager should fire Bill O'Brien head coach

Bill O'Brien general manager of the Texans is firing Bill O'Brien head coach of the Texan. I would love to see it... It's the opposite of Bill Parcells when he was in Dallas and said if you're going to ask me cook dinner, then at least let me shop for the groceries.

Pete Carroll is going to revert to his old run-heavy ways despite Russell Wilson's dominance

Pete Carroll was like that's not the game plan [to throw 4 TDs]. He said 7 and 6 carries wasn't enough for our guys and we need to get more. We were at 20 runs. We want to get more than that... Pete Carroll is going to absolutely revert back to his old ways because we're getting Pete Carroll at night and Pete Carroll at night is the very essence of Pete Carroll gum.

Social media will bully Pete Carroll into letting Russell Wilson throw more this year

The Seahawks are going to be an interesting case this year because we might have the first time ever in the NFL that social media bullies Pete Carroll into actually letting his MVP caliber quarterback throw the ball more. I'm calling it 'Let Russ Cook'.

The Bills will go 13-3 and win the AFC East

What if the bills go like 13 and 3 and win the AFC East and maybe even get a first round bye? But it's so fucking sad think about like the fans in Buffalo not being able to be in the stadium.

The Washington Football Team will beat the Eagles in Week 1

I think that the Redskins [Washington Football Team]... I think that they could win this game. This could be a weird game where it's a new head coach and new place. The team's gonna be playing for Ron Rivera this week.

The Cardinals vs. 49ers Week 1 game will go under 48 points

I've got the Cardinals 49ers it at 48... I'm taking the under.

Viagra is an effective pre-workout supplement for getting a pump

And sildenafil is for a pump. It just gets your veins... sildenafil is the active ingredient Viagra, but it's sick for pump.

Bears in zoos do not hibernate because they have constant access to food and warmth

Animals in zoos do not hibernate. Bears in zoos don't hibernate if they have plenty of food and water and warmth. They don't hibernate. Hibernation is only in a state of cold.

The Chiefs will win and the game will go under the point total

My official prediction is basically a repeat of last year. The old-timer is going to beat the new guy. Under and the Chiefs.

The Chiefs and the 49ers will both win on Championship Sunday

The Chiefs and the 49ers are both going to win on Sunday. If you parlay them, it's even money. That's pretty nice, pretty tasty.

The Chiefs and the Titans game will hit the over on 53 points

I'm taking the over and I don't care because I actually, when you're looking at this game, I feel like both offenses match up perfectly with both defenses... Give me the over. 53. I don't care.

The Packers have no chance to beat the 49ers in the NFC Championship

The Packers' defense cannot stop the 49ers' offense, and the Packers' offense cannot stop the 49ers' defense. I don't see a way that the Pack win this game. I really don't.

The Titans will win if they have a single drive over 11 minutes long against the Ravens

If the Titans have a single drive that's over 11 minutes long, then they will win this game.

The Chiefs will blow out the Texans because Houston are frauds

I got Kansas City. I think they're going to blow them out. I think Houston, they reveal themselves to be frauds. That game against Buffalo... Buffalo lost that game more than the other way around.

Russell Wilson is not good in cold weather

The only thing I'm worried about is I don't think Russell Wilson can play in the cold. I don't think he's a cold guy... his record and his stats in the cold, he's not good. He gets spooked.

Ryan Tannehill is not afraid of Tom Brady and the Titans will win

I'm taking the Titans. Okay, I think that Tannehill is the one quarterback that is not afraid of Tom Brady. He's beaten him four times... now we got Tannehill he's going to go in there. I think that the Titans are going to win.

I'm taking the Packers, Cowboys, and Broncos in a can't-lose parlay for Week 17

My can't lose parlay this week is the Green Bay Packers, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Denver Broncos.

Clemson will beat Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl

I have a future on Ohio State, but I think Clemson is going to beat them.

LSU will crush Oklahoma in the Peach Bowl regardless of the spread

Was it 13 and a half right now? Yeah, 14, 13 and a half. Fuck it. Make it 21. I still like LSU.

The Cowboys are the new Falcons: high talent, low results

I finally realized what the Cowboys are: the Cowboys are the new Falcons. They are a team with a ton of talent that we say 'well, they haven't played their best game, it's coming.' You can name all these guys on the team... They're just not good. They're average to below average throughout the season.

The Rams will beat the Seahawks because Sean McVay owns Pete Carroll's defense

Here's Sean McVay's offenses against the Seahawks the last four times: 29 points, 33 points, 36 points, 42 points. The Rams for whatever reason it is can figure out how to attack Pete Carroll's defense... I'll take the Rams.

The Saints, Steelers, and Patriots all winning is a can't-lose parlay

There's no chance the Saints lose at home to the Panthers... The Steelers are not going to lose to the Bengals because Mason Rudolph has never lost a game after he's been accused of saying something racist... and the Patriots will beat the Cowboys because all you got to know about the Patriots Cowboys game is Jason Garrett verse Bill Belichick.

The Bills -4 against the Broncos is a thermite accelerant flaming lock of the week

This one's going to be my thermite accelerant flaming lock of the week. So this is a big fucking fire. It's the Buffalo fucking bills -4 at home against the Broncos.

The Packers are frauds and their defense is a fraud

I convinced myself the Packers are frauds every single week until they win the Super Bowl and then I cry in a puddle... I think their defense is a fraud.

The Seahawks +1 against the Eagles is the walkiest line of the year

I'll take the Seahawks plus 1. Russell Wilson is an underdog 23:7 and one against the spread in his career. It's this is the walkie east line of the year.

If the Panthers lose to the Falcons, their season is officially over

I think if they lose this game to the Falcons their season's done. I like that. Yeah, we might put the done chain on them twice.

Derek Carr is close to keeping his job long-term in Las Vegas

I've actually think Derek Carr is very close to keeping his job in his house next to Jon Gruden in Las Vegas.

The Patriots will beat the Eagles by at least seven points

I'm going to take the Patriots... minus three and a half. It is the classic. I think I wouldn't be surprised if they lose. So I'm going to take them because I mean they'll probably win by seven plus.

The Pittsburgh Steelers will beat the Rams outright

And then the juicy one, the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to beat the Rams outright.

The Browns will beat the Bills in Week 10

I'm taking the Browns minus three. It's like you just... I'll just keep going last gasp. I think I took them last week as my favorite. So, yeah, I'll probably lose at least three more times with the Browns being like, they can't lose this one.

The Falcons vs. Saints game will go under the point total, and the Falcons will win

My under is Atlanta-New Orleans. This is my platinum six star under... Falcons are going to be scoring a lot. They're going to win the game.

A Rams, Colts, and Packers moneyline parlay cannot lose this week

Here's the can't lose parlay. The Rams, they're not going to lose to the Bengals... The Colts are at home against the Broncos. They're not going to lose... The Packers are not going to lose to Matt Moore.

The Giants are a live underdog against the Lions this weekend

I think the Giants are going to be pretty live underdog there [against the Lions].

The Redskins should never be favored by more than 3 points against any NFL team

The Redskins shouldn't be three and a half point favorites against anyone. And then you can make yours even if you lose and the Redskins win by 14 you'd be like: Guess what? I'd do it again.

The Titans will win and win convincingly against the Falcons

If a Mike Vrabel coached team is an underdog and people are counting them out, that's when you bet on them. So just take them because this is a game that the Titans will win and win convincingly.

The Browns will cover the seven-point spread easily against the Ravens

I think the Browns are going to cover seven easy. I think the Browns are going to win this game because they need it more than anyone else. I think the Ravens are slightly overrated, and the Browns are underrated, and seven seems like too much.