Takes

Mel Kiper Jr. eats a slice of pumpkin pie for breakfast every single day.

Every time you see Mel Kiper, though, remember one thing. He eats a slice of pumpkin pie for breakfast every single day. Just put that in your brain.

The Somali Pirates are officially a dynasty because they robbed their first ship in five years

My cool throne Somali Pirates. They robbed a ship for the first time in five years. Hell yes. So they are back.

ESPN on-air personalities are 'snowflakes' on the hot seat due to massive impending cuts

My hot seat is all the snowflake on-air personalities at ESPN. Big time cuts coming soon.

LeBron James is a coward for not participating in the NBA Dunk Contest

LeBron James that's not in the dunk contest again. Kind of a coward move. Michael Jordan was in the dunk contest. Back in the day, you had your best athletes in it. Vince Carter. You had your Vinces, your J.R. Smiths. You had everybody.

Alabama could win 10 games with my dick as offensive coordinator

At the very least, Chip's going to win 10 games at Alabama because Alabama could win 10 games with my dick at offensive coordinator.

Phil Jackson is only at the Knicks because James Dolan is a sucker

I respect [Phil Jackson] for spotting the sucker in the room and basically saying, oh, James Dolan wants me to come and work for him, and I don't have to move, and I don't have to do anything, and he's going to pay me millions of dollars. What's the worst going to happen?

NFL security is on the hot seat for letting PFT Commenter sneak into Media Night

Hot seat is is NFL security. The I mean, the all of the bands, the pronouncements that NFL makes and and PFT just waltzes right right in.

Vegas will be taken by storm once Brent Musburger moves there

Hot seat, I have Las Vegas. Brent Musburger is opening up a handicapping company in Las Vegas. So if you think that he's going to move out to the desert and not take that place by storm, then you haven't been watching television for the past 50 years.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

The NFL draft process will pick apart college kids' characters for minor things like smoking weed or their parents' divorce

As soon as college football ends, it's draft season... We've got to pick apart these 21-year-olds, really dig into it. Stuff like, have you smoked weed? Do your teammates like you? Is your mother a prostitute? ... Did your parents get divorced because of you?

The next Texas head coach is already on the hot seat

My hot seat, the next Texas coach. Just throw him on the hot seat right away. Because guess what? Texas winning culture. Haven't won in a while.

NFL officials have a sweet system where poor performance leads to more pay and training

My cool throne is NFL officials, and the reason why is because everybody's complaining about them, and the NFL officials have such a sweet system set up that the answer to poor NFL officiating is to make them full-time employees. So everyone's saying, hey, what are these guys doing out here just being part-time? Let's pay them more.

Butch Jones is on the hot seat at Tennessee

My Hot Seat's Butch Jones. South Carolina took the big L to them. He's had a rough season. They had some national championship hopes. They've lost a lot of games, so I think he's on the hot seat.

Jay Cutler is on the Cool Throne for the foreseeable future in Chicago

Well, considering the fact that Brian Hoyer is out for the year, Connor Shaw is out for the year, Matt Barkley, who knew that he was in the NFL until he came in for a couple plays, I think Jay Cutler is cool throne for a while here. Finally, some continuity at quarterback for Chicago.

Buccaneers GM Jason Licht is on the hot seat for drafting a kicker in the second round

I guess now my hot seat is going to be Jason Licht, the GM for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, for drafting a kicker in the second round. Kind of a tough move on his part.

The Indians logo is back on the hot seat because the team is actually winning

Hot seat, Indians logo. They're going to be in the ALCS, and that means the Indians logo is going to be on the hot seat again... If you stay bad, no one cares that your logo is offensive.

Dak Prescott might have won the Cowboys' starting job for good

Dak Prescott might have won that job. And if Tony Romo doesn't play, he doesn't get injured.

Mike McCoy needs to be fired by the Chargers

Hot seat, Mike McCoy. Someone needs to fire Mike McCoy. It's incredible. He's 23-29. He's on his fourth year. They were up 34-21 with six minutes left against the Saints. Week one they were up 27-10 with 11 minutes left. Someone put Mike McCoy out of his misery.

Seeing Jack Del Rio go for two will lead to a wave of unnecessary two-point conversions across the NFL

The NFL is a copycat league. A lot of people don't talk about that. But seeing Jack Del Rio go for it and seeing all the media coverage that he had... All the other football coaches out there are going to be like, I want that. I want the media to be talking about my nuts on Monday morning. And so you're going to see a lot of unnecessary two point conversions.

Jeff Fisher is on the hot seat because Hollywood demands style and points

I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna say Jeff Fisher... You live in Hollywood. You got to score some points. Flash. They've canceled series out in Hollywood for less than just a week one dud... If you don't get the results, I think that he's going to be on the hot seat.

Instagram Stories will be a massive threat to Snapchat's market dominance

Originally, Snapchat completely had the market, but now Instagram is coming in hot... Instagram, Mark Zuckerberg literally took Snapchat and just added it on Instagram... It's going to be a battle.

The Cleveland Indians' Chief Wahoo logo will be on the hot seat this year

We, this show, called the shot that the Indians were going to have a good year and the Chief Wahoo logo was going to be on the hot seat and people were going to all get upset. Well, guess what? They had a good year. They lost in the World Series, but they had a good year. They're back. Chief Wahoo still on the hot seat.