Takes

The Chiefs are guaranteed to win the Super Bowl now that they have cut Kadarius Toney.

Kadarius Toney has been cut. Oh no. Yeah. So the Chiefs just became Super Bowl champs. This is also very bad news for anybody that's playing against the Chiefs because Kadarius Toney was one of your better players if you were playing against the Chiefs last year. Just by him no longer being on the Chiefs, what was his WAR? It was probably like minus two last year.

Vanny Woodhead will be up and running by July 4th

Vanny will be up and running by July 4th. My first step is trying to make some, some marketing and some sales packaging so that we can get some money into Vanny Woodhead.

I'm rooting for Travis Kelce to propose to Taylor Swift on the jumbotron to watch the internet break

The one thing I am rooting for is I hope Travis Kelce proposes Taylor Swift. That would be awesome on the field after... I root for it because all the swifties would have to do mental gymnastics to be like, that's so cute... I want it like to be on the jumbotron and then Swifties have to be like, that's so beautiful.

Big Cat will pay for a Twitter Blue checkmark within two weeks

I put the over under on Big Cat getting a blue check. Two weeks.

Clemson at 16-to-1 is a great value bet to make the College Football Playoff

A future that I had my eyes on: Clemson at 16 to one to win the national title. I don't think they're gonna win the national title. I think they're gonna be in the playoff though. I think Clemson is sneaky a little bit back. DJ Uiagalelei is playing well... they've played the two toughest teams in Wake Forest and NC State and the ACC.

Georgia's recent performance suggests they aren't the juggernaut people thought

Did we get a little bit duped by Georgia's dominance? Because we watched that 49 to three game against Oregon week one... and we're like, this team is insane. And I think they're obviously still very, very good. But the last two... games in a row where they've played down to their competition severely. Makes you start to say, Huh, maybe this isn't like the juggernaut we all thought it would be.

Albert Pujols shouldn't be in the All-Star game because he 'fucking sucks' and can't even walk

Albert Pujols being in the home run Derby, which is a crock of shit. But I'm also at the point in my life where I, cause he fucking sucks. He can't even walk. Albert Pujols he's, he can't even walk. He shouldn't be in the all-stars. He made the all star game... taking a spot away from someone who could [actually hit].

Bill Belichick might be stashing impact starters on a 'shadow team' via COVID opt-outs

I think that the Patriots might be putting together like a shadow team. Just getting through camp and he's got all these guys that he knows wants to be impact starters. He's like, they're gonna be my shadow team. They're going to stay healthy and then I'm going to bring them in... That's just me being too woke because Belichick is always up to something.

Derek Jeter should be punished for the Marlins' COVID outbreak by being forced to play for the team

I say you punish Derek Jeter. You make Derek Jeter go out there and he plays. Tell me you wouldn't watch a game with the Marlins if it was just like Derek Jeter, Gary Sheffield, all the old Marlins superstars getting out there and just whipping on every pitch.

I'm starting to think the global pandemic was rigged so we would all be forced to watch soccer

I swear to God I'm starting to get to woke that this is all been rigged so that we all have to watch soccer... We're here, life is now just soccer with a little side of horse racing.

Every college football program is going to attempt to reach herd immunity to ensure the season happens

Pretty much every football program is having is going to go for herd immunity and it's good at we're gonna have a football season that just every team that already got it out of the way.

Jordan Love is the perfect fit for the Raiders because he has the huge hands and big arm that the team loves

Mel Kiper said Jordan Love to the Raiders which would be awesome because Jordan Love is like the perfect huge hands big arm guy the Raiders like... still don't change much, keep doing you Raiders. Love it.

Flavored 'Water for Dogs' is a billion-dollar business idea

I came up with a billion dollar idea maybe quadrillion or trillion dollar idea: its water for dogs... why not a little flavored water for your dog? So you can either go with the Savory option and have it be like a bacon flavored water or bone broth water.

I'm nervous that the 2020 NFL season might actually be cancelled or pushed back

I've reached the point where it started to hit me that football season might get [cancelled]. Okay, and yeah now it's real.

I will get in great shape during quarantine by walking around Brooklyn in an 80-pound weight vest

You guys right now are looking at the guy who just purchased an 80-pound weight vest. So I'm going to get back in shape. I'm gonna start walking around Brooklyn with a weight vest... I'll be walking around like Zion.

I'm throwing it out there that I have 350-pound dad strength now

I want to do like a full study on whether dad strength is a real thing. 350 probably. I'm going to throw that out there. 350. I'd say dad strength is a thing. Yep.

LeBron James should go to jail for giving his kids wine

Hot take, LeBron James should definitely go to jail, and this is the worst parenting move of all time, and I cannot believe that he is poisoning his children. I'm disgusted. I deleted my screensaver of LeBron James in a Lakers uniform, and I'll probably never watch NBA again.

The 'Green Zone' on-field graphic will save the NFL's TV ratings

Breaking moves. I think the NFL has figured out how to save their ratings in their league. The green zone. It's a new feature they rolled out tonight. It's on third downs. It shows you how far players will have to go at any point during the play to get a first down.

Victor Oladipo will win the NBA Slam Dunk Contest

I'm going with [Victor] Oladipo. I have no reason why I'm doing it. I like saying his name.

Russell Wilson has never actually had sex

I'm a Russell Wilson sex truther. I don't think that Russell Wilson's actually had sex. If he has, it's probably through a sheet. He's just not cool enough to have sex.

Booger McFarland could beat any professional golfer if given a couple weeks of practice

If you guys didn't know, Booger thinks that he can beat a professional golfer. If you give Booger a couple weeks practice, he can beat anybody in golf. I actually agree with that.

Marquette King is quitting the NFL to join Barstool Sports

Marquette King actually did a little bit of flirting with joining Barstool earlier today... he put up the peace sign on Twitter, meaning he was quitting to join Barstool Sports. Heard it here first.

Fat is coming back as a trend and Brooklyn will lead the way

Fat is coming back. And good news for you. The first place that it's going to come back, place at the forefront of all these trends, is Brooklyn. You know, like back in the day, if you were fat, it meant that you were well fed and that you could take care of yourself.

iTunes doesn't exist in Canada

I don't even know if that counts for the iTunes rankings. I don't think they have iTunes in Canada, so we don't actually appreciate them, but we'll just say we appreciate them.

Tom Brady can't tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a black superstar in Boston

And Tom Brady is going to be able to tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a big black superstar in the city of Boston. Wait. No, wait, hold on.

I will enter a zone and eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes at the Nathan's contest

Leicester City, 1,500 to 1 odds. Just saying, things happen. Maybe I just get in a zone and I eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes.